vansaddict00 Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I have a new boyfriend. My ex didn't like to do anything with my friends and I just introduced my guy to my friends so I'm not really used to hanging with friends and the bf at the same time. One of my close friends' had a bad impression of him from the beginning. My friend told me on the side that they didn't like what he was saying. e.g. my bf made a remark that "he's had food better than this," unknowing that the person who made the food was an indirect friend. I realize he is a very blunt, honest and direct person which can be interpreted as being disrespectful. He is the opposite of my ex who rarely spoke about his opinion on things to this extent. So I like that he talks a lot but at the same time I now realize he's coming off the wrong way. I haven't told him about anything but want to subtly give him hints so he can be more mindful before he opens his mouth. At the same time I don't want him to know my bff told me about her concern. She wants to give him another chance and admits she doesn't know him, but how can I prevent something from happening in the future?
basil67 Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Eep - sounds like something I would have done back in the day. I suggest you don't give hints because he may not get it. Instead, tell him directly but kindly. "Hey, you know how you said you'd had better food before? The woman who'd cooked it was standing behind you and was hurt" Don't tell him what to do about it. Just give him the facts and allow him to process it. His reaction to this information will tell you a lot. If he's mortified, then it will be the first step to him watching what he says. If he says she's too sensitive, then it's a red flag for his arrogance. For what it's worth, despite my repeated mortifications over different things, it took me quite some time and a few reminders from my partner to learn what not to say. I truly wanted to do better, but it took a while to learn the social skills. 8
lovey34 Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 tell him about the incident. some guys might care how they are rubbing off on the people around them and maybe he just truly doesnt know... then there are the guys that know exactly what they are doing and don't give a damn.. there fore I would explain to your friends how he is and not to take it personally, and they can choose to come around next time or not. I will always pick my husband over my friends. but i would want to keep my friends around, so they can decide to accept him and your love for him, or they can be prideful and not come around while he is there.. i understand it is an uncomfortable position, but it comes with the territory when you are with some one that is blunt in nature...
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I will always pick my husband over my friends. but i would want to keep my friends around, so they can decide to accept him and your love for him If I met a guy who didn't get along with my friends and didn't have the basic kindness/social skills to go out with them and not offend anyone (consistently), then they would not be my boyfriend/husband. I think you need to see if this is a consistent thing for him, and then decide if this is a personal trait you can live with, or not. I value kindness and ability to treat others wih kindness and respect (myself included) too highly than to put up with this behavior for too long. Maybe that is what your friend is trying to say to you... If he treats others this way, how is he going to treat you in the future? Just wondering... 2
Buddhist Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I realize he is a very blunt, honest and direct person which can be interpreted as being disrespectful..... but want to subtly give him hints so he can be more mindful before he opens his mouth. Don't be subtle and give hints, he won't get it. He's not very socially skilled if he's verbalising that so reading between the lines is not going to be his forte. You just straight out say to him. You know, you shouldn't really make comment on the food like that, one of friends made it. You probably hurt her feelings. Then, it something you heard him say, nothing to do with your friend and he'll probably go...Oh okay. Sorry, didn't mean it that way. Job done. 2
Buddhist Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 (edited) I think you need to see if this is a consistent thing for him, and then decide if this is a personal trait you can live with, or not. I value kindness and ability to treat others wih kindness and respect (myself included) too highly than to put up with this behavior for too long. Maybe that is what your friend is trying to say to you... If he treats others this way, how is he going to treat you in the future? Just wondering... While I agree in principle some people can also just come off wrong, rather than truly have intentions to be an A*hole. Socialisation isn't something that happens uniformly out there in the world. Many, many people grow up with poor skills in this regard and they simply do not understand that them blurting out whatever's on their mind is necessarily hurtful to others around them. I know many very socially skilled people who truly are a*holes, an they get away with being anything except kind and respectful because they are charismatic. So no, social skills alone is not a good indicator of someone's character. If someone is lacking in social skills they can learn it. But the best way isn't to be indirect and beat about the bush with them expecting them to 'get it'. They clearly missed the memo on that. You have to spell it out, then they can learn. Just being polite and hinting or speaking about it behind their back doesn't help them improve. If you spell it out to him, and then it continues well the quoted sentiment may apply. If he's a blunt talker, he can take it blunt too. Edited June 29, 2016 by Buddhist 1
Cherryz Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Do you even know this guy before you took him as your bf? It sound like u met him yesterday and made him your bf and went to your friends with him today. Because you react like surprised or because of your friends you realize how he speaks. If you see he do this alot. You should be open and honest and talk to him about it. Let him know sometimes he comes across that way. And need to shut up . lol Dont wait till people come and tell you stuff and go like : oh he is that way?!uh oh. If you see things or have things to say you talk to him about it, when you guys are alone. Once hes your bf, there shouldn't be "childish" hints giving and signals flags waving. But straight up talk and open. If you make him your bf and you cant even be honest to him then something not rigth.
Cherryz Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Ps: If this how he is, kind of someone that speaks out quick, he may not stop this rigth away, but maybe with time, find a more assertive way to speak etc. Dont date certain type of people and aspect them to be like exes or this and that way. You cant ask of people that have the need to speak up to stop. They will be unhappy. There is just a better way for them to voice their opinion and also learn that sometimes its also ok to not say something. Know who you dating and see if its who you want to be with.
Author vansaddict00 Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 Thanks! Yeah I know he means well but the way he says things can be a turn off. I think when more examples arise then I will ha
Author vansaddict00 Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 Eep - sounds like something I would have done back in the day. I suggest you don't give hints because he may not get it. Instead, tell him directly but kindly. "Hey, you know how you said you'd had better food before? The woman who'd cooked it was standing behind you and was hurt" Don't tell him what to do about it. Just give him the facts and allow him to process it. His reaction to this information will tell you a lot. If he's mortified, then it will be the first step to him watching what he says. If he says she's too sensitive, then it's a red flag for his arrogance. For what it's worth, despite my repeated mortifications over different things, it took me quite some time and a few reminders from my partner to learn what not to say. I truly wanted to do better, but it took a while to learn the social skills. I appreciate your perspective. I don't want to tell him forcefully but yeah I kind of want him to process it then see how he reacts. I think when more examples arise then it will be easier to show him. If he knew the person was someone we all knew that made the food I'm sure he would have been more mindful. Thanks for sharing. I will use some friendly reminders 1
Author vansaddict00 Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 tell him about the incident. some guys might care how they are rubbing off on the people around them and maybe he just truly doesnt know... then there are the guys that know exactly what they are doing and don't give a damn.. there fore I would explain to your friends how he is and not to take it personally, and they can choose to come around next time or not. I will always pick my husband over my friends. but i would want to keep my friends around, so they can decide to accept him and your love for him, or they can be prideful and not come around while he is there.. i understand it is an uncomfortable position, but it comes with the territory when you are with some one that is blunt in nature... I agree. I think he truly doesn't know, but my friend is giving him another chance. She even mentioned she would maybe challenge him if he said it again or ask him to elaborate. I know she's making a good effort so it does warm my heart to know she cares that much to try again. She's only met him twice very briefly so I think things will get better once they warm up to each other. 1
VeveCakes Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Thanks! Yeah I know he means well but the way he says things can be a turn off. I think when more examples arise then I will ha I don't know, I think it's a matter of liking him for who he is or not. If this is how he talks normally good luck changing him. I think it's ridiculous to try and tell someone how to speak to others. He's not a child. He either learns social cues on his own or he doesn't. Why does his gf need to tell him how to act. It would be different if it were a one off but op says this is how he usually speaks. 1
Author vansaddict00 Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 If I met a guy who didn't get along with my friends and didn't have the basic kindness/social skills to go out with them and not offend anyone (consistently), then they would not be my boyfriend/husband. I think you need to see if this is a consistent thing for him, and then decide if this is a personal trait you can live with, or not. I value kindness and ability to treat others wih kindness and respect (myself included) too highly than to put up with this behavior for too long. Maybe that is what your friend is trying to say to you... If he treats others this way, how is he going to treat you in the future? Just wondering... I definitely agree. This is still a new relationship and I don't get enough time with him. Maybe twice a week, so I'm still learning more about him. I am going to wait it out and see if things can improve. I know what he says isn't out of malice and I did let my friend know that. We usually only hang out together and it's been fine, but just around friends maybe they're more sensitive than me to react this way? At the same time though I want to be respectful to my friends so I am going to make the effort to see what we can change.
Author vansaddict00 Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 Don't be subtle and give hints, he won't get it. He's not very socially skilled if he's verbalising that so reading between the lines is not going to be his forte. You just straight out say to him. You know, you shouldn't really make comment on the food like that, one of friends made it. You probably hurt her feelings. Then, it something you heard him say, nothing to do with your friend and he'll probably go...Oh okay. Sorry, didn't mean it that way. Job done. Thanks. Yeah I want to sort of accumulate more examples that may be bothersome to help validate my point. Moving forward I will say something if it's bothering me and see how he reacts.
Author vansaddict00 Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 Do you even know this guy before you took him as your bf? It sound like u met him yesterday and made him your bf and went to your friends with him today. Because you react like surprised or because of your friends you realize how he speaks. If you see he do this alot. You should be open and honest and talk to him about it. Let him know sometimes he comes across that way. And need to shut up . lol Dont wait till people come and tell you stuff and go like : oh he is that way?!uh oh. If you see things or have things to say you talk to him about it, when you guys are alone. Once hes your bf, there shouldn't be "childish" hints giving and signals flags waving. But straight up talk and open. If you make him your bf and you cant even be honest to him then something not rigth. Ps: If this how he is, kind of someone that speaks out quick, he may not stop this rigth away, but maybe with time, find a more assertive way to speak etc. Dont date certain type of people and aspect them to be like exes or this and that way. You cant ask of people that have the need to speak up to stop. They will be unhappy. There is just a better way for them to voice their opinion and also learn that sometimes its also ok to not say something. Know who you dating and see if its who you want to be with. Yeah I definitely agree there's a better way for him to voice his opinion. I think he could say things in a more polite manner or try to not say anything. Since my friend brought this up its been bothering me a lot because his words never bothered me, but now I'm looking more into it and yeah it's bothering me now. The first step is to let him know how I feel when he says something, then I think he will react much better than me telling him bluntly. I know he will wise up and learn. Thanks for the help!
Author vansaddict00 Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 I don't know, I think it's a matter of liking him for who he is or not. If this is how he talks normally good luck changing him. I think it's ridiculous to try and tell someone how to speak to others. He's not a child. He either learns social cues on his own or he doesn't. Why does his gf need to tell him how to act. It would be different if it were a one off but op says this is how he usually speaks. I think he could learn if he wanted to. I can give him the option and then see if I can bare with him. I think it's more of a matter of how he's phrasing things and to be more mindful.
VeveCakes Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 I think he could learn if he wanted to. I can give him the option and then see if I can bare with him. I think it's more of a matter of how he's phrasing things and to be more mindful. He's made it this far in life...I would tread carefully.
Versacehottie Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 I agree with all of those that said not to be subtle. You need to be direct. What basil said is great. You don't have to tell him the source. But you should call him out on that kind of stuff. You won't keep wanting to bring this guy around your friends if they don't like him or he embarrasses you with insensitive or rude comments. Actually a statement like that, would pretty much have me losing attraction to a guy so you'd want to put him on notice. It's socially inept to say stuff like that. If it's "true", he can tell you privately back at home and you guys can have a little laugh about it. As you've conveyed it, it sounds snobbish or one-upping. It would be BAD at a restaurant that one of your friends has invited you all to and raved about or was proud of show to you. It is unacceptable to say for a home-cooked dinner party. Idk, guys with no manners are embarrassing. For your own sake, (future problems, and loss of attraction and need to KEEP him from your friends and social events), say something to him. Very clearly, very directly. He needs to GET the message.
basil67 Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 I don't know, I think it's a matter of liking him for who he is or not. If this is how he talks normally good luck changing him. I think it's ridiculous to try and tell someone how to speak to others. He's not a child. He either learns social cues on his own or he doesn't. Why does his gf need to tell him how to act. It would be different if it were a one off but op says this is how he usually speaks. I was grateful to have a partner who took the time to help me learn a better way. It wasn't so much about him changing me, but about me being keen to improve my social skills and him helping me. Some people want to do it right but need help learning what to filter. And other people are just rude. It's about finding out which type of person he is.
Buddhist Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Thanks. Yeah I want to sort of accumulate more examples that may be bothersome to help validate my point. Moving forward I will say something if it's bothering me and see how he reacts. IMHO, don't do that. Better to nip it in the bud in the moment each time it occurs. If you wait until you've got a list of situations then it comes off as a lecture rather than just a helpful reminder in the moment. He also may not remember all those other instances by the time you get around to it. Guys are like that, they live in the moment, don't remember every conversation, situation and circumstance the way we do. And if they are just gaffes then he definitely won't have any memory of them and may even think you're making them up to pick on him. You have to understand he probably missed out on the training you had at 9 years old. Your parents didn't save up your mistakes to address them. They just said something to you in the moment. Same deal. 2
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 I have a new boyfriend. My ex didn't like to do anything with my friends and I just introduced my guy to my friends so I'm not really used to hanging with friends and the bf at the same time. One of my close friends' had a bad impression of him from the beginning. My friend told me on the side that they didn't like what he was saying. e.g. my bf made a remark that "he's had food better than this," unknowing that the person who made the food was an indirect friend. I realize he is a very blunt, honest and direct person which can be interpreted as being disrespectful. He is the opposite of my ex who rarely spoke about his opinion on things to this extent. So I like that he talks a lot but at the same time I now realize he's coming off the wrong way. I haven't told him about anything but want to subtly give him hints so he can be more mindful before he opens his mouth. At the same time I don't want him to know my bff told me about her concern. She wants to give him another chance and admits she doesn't know him, but how can I prevent something from happening in the future? We say people are on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. This is him on his best behavior, imagine what is to come in a few months when he leaves his white gloves at home. You think it's blunt, honest and direct. I call it unfiltered, insensitive, and ill-mannered. Sure give him the benefit of the doubt but I don't see this going away, I only see this getting worse with time as he gets more comfortable he'll allow himself more distasteful familiarity. It's ok, that's what dating is about, to get to know someone and discard the unsuited prospects. 1
Beach Guy Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 I have a new boyfriend. My ex didn't like to do anything with my friends and I just introduced my guy to my friends so I'm not really used to hanging with friends and the bf at the same time. One of my close friends' had a bad impression of him from the beginning. My friend told me on the side that they didn't like what he was saying. e.g. my bf made a remark that "he's had food better than this," unknowing that the person who made the food was an indirect friend. I realize he is a very blunt, honest and direct person which can be interpreted as being disrespectful. He is the opposite of my ex who rarely spoke about his opinion on things to this extent. So I like that he talks a lot but at the same time I now realize he's coming off the wrong way. I haven't told him about anything but want to subtly give him hints so he can be more mindful before he opens his mouth. At the same time I don't want him to know my bff told me about her concern. She wants to give him another chance and admits she doesn't know him, but how can I prevent something from happening in the future? Possibility: your friend is jealous of you.
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