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I feel like I ruined it, and now he might just want sex...should I say something?

kardinal3

By kardinal3
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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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Some context: the last guy I dated(4 mo) was not serious, and I made it clear from the 1st date that I wasn't looking for a relationship. He said that was totally fine, but said he wanted someone to exclusively "have fun" with, go on trips with, go to shows, etc. So, weeks later, we were going on road trips. No expectations. We had a lot of fun for a bit, but naturally I put space between us because I didn't have those "intense" feelings, and ended up not wanting to pursue anything more with him. I'm worried that this might have flowed over into the current guy I'm seeing, who I DO feel like I have a connection worth pursuing.

 

FAST FORWARD TO NOW: this guy and I have been hanging out for about 2 weeks. This past Thursday i was an idiot and asked if he wanted to go on a one-night trip somewhere during the July 4th weekend. After about 1.5 weeks of hanging out. I immediately regretted asking it; it didn't seem odd beforehand, since none of my other friends have Fridays off, and since I figured he was someone who would be fun to hang with. In general, I road trip fairly often, perhaps every other weekend.

 

He said he'd be free but would get back to me later. Anyways, I didn't bring it up again. We STILL ended up hanging Friday afterwards, then this past sunday as well. I made it a point to not bring up the trip at all.

 

We didn't text or talk at all yesterday(something I also got in the habit of with the last guy I dated, and it didn't end up bothering me). He texted me today and said "Bad news, I have to watch my friend's dog so I can't go with you on the trip" and had a sad emoji. I'm 99% sure that's a lie, and I can't blame him. I had kind of let it slide off the map since Sunday anyways, and wasn't going to bring it up. I texted back and told him that I kind of forgot about it, and that I hadn't made any plans of where to go/where to stay, which was completely true.

 

He then texted back asking if I wanted to make dinner tomorrow, "get drunk, and do hot things".

 

I was playful and said "Dinner, no so much. Hot things, yerp. I need that right now."

 

Then he texted back "See you then. F bunny" with a ****load of emojis. Guessing that meant "**** bunny"...but who knows.

 

My dilemma: does this mean he's probably not into trying to date me seriously, since he nixed the trip this weekend? GRANTED, I know it was jumping the gun. I'm just thinking if I really liked someone and was in his shoes, maybe I'd still just say yes and take the trip, but then again...ive never been in this situation.

 

Should I mention tomorrow how I realized it was a stupid idea, provide him with my past dating experience, etc....is that even a good idea?

I'm fairly upfront and do value open communication, but I'm worried I'll get super nervous and won't be tactful if I bring this up tomorrow.

 

What do I say or do?? After my last fling, it's like I'm an idiot who no longer knows how to properly take my time or date someone I'm actually interested in.

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Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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He then texted back asking if I wanted to make dinner tomorrow, "get drunk, and do hot things".

 

I was playful and said "Dinner, no so much. Hot things, yerp. I need that right now."

 

Then he texted back "See you then. F bunny" with a ****load of emojis. Guessing that meant "**** bunny"...but who knows.

 

I don't think the trip suggestion was the problem. This conversation seems to be where you really put it into FWB territory. I mean you turned down a date and voted yes to having sex instead. :eek:

 

My dilemma: does this mean he's probably not into trying to date me seriously, since he nixed the trip this weekend?

 

Got nothing to do with nixing the trip, everything to do with the above conversation and him now referring to you as his F-buddy. I'm pretty sure the 'bunny' is iPhone auto-correcting 'buddy'.

 

Should I mention tomorrow how I realized it was a stupid idea, provide him with my past dating experience, etc....is that even a good idea?

 

That would be pointless. He's firmly put you in the sex-only category, he's probably not interested in your explanations at this point. Your only save now is to explain to him you're after a relationship. I don't expect he's going to come to the party, but there's not much you can do about that anyway. Judging by his reaction to you anyway I'm not sure he was ever in it for a relationship.

 

No thanks to going on a trip with you but hey can I buy you dinner and feel you up instead?

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I don't think the road trip was such a bad idea - especially as it's part of your lifestyle. I think the main reason he didn't bring it up again was because a) he sensed your remorse and b) you didn't bring it up again.

 

I'm curious as to why he asked you to make dinner tomorrow night. Does he not go to restaurants? Or was it your turn to cook? His proposal sounded very un-datelike.

 

Rather than saying 'no' to cooking, perhaps you could have suggested going somewhere for dinner. Thing is, skipping the dinner and heading straight for sex gives a very clear sign of wanting a sex only relationship.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Buddhist and I are on the same wavelength and crossed posted. Her post made me wonder if I've missed something in translation:

 

Does "Can you make dinner?" mean "can you attend dinner?" or "can you cook dinner?"

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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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That would be pointless. He's firmly put you in the sex-only category, he's probably not interested in your explanations at this point. Your only save now is to explain to him you're after a relationship. I don't expect he's going to come to the party, but there's not much you can do about that anyway. Judging by his reaction to you anyway I'm not sure he was ever in it for a relationship.

 

No thanks to going on a trip with you but hey can I buy you dinner and feel you up instead?

 

 

Thanks for the response. I guess I can provide more context....in terms of him not exactly pursuing a relationship, I'd go more towards that he is.

 

We met at a mutual friend's birthday party, and after out first "official" date ended in awkward sexual nervousness on both ends, he wanted to try again, and suggested no drinks or booze this time, since that might have enabled the awkwardness the first go-around.

 

We've gone out to dinner several times, he wanted (and had me) meet some of his friends. Also, he has mentioned several times that we do something more fun and lively, so I had to idea of rock climbing, stuff like that, etc. He was super into it, and prefers to not just sit around, cook, and have sex every time. I dont either, but like I said, I figured I was just being playful in that one text.

 

Perhaps I shouldve rethought sending that though...

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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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I don't think the road trip was such a bad idea - especially as it's part of your lifestyle. I think the main reason he didn't bring it up again was because a) he sensed your remorse and b) you didn't bring it up again.

 

I'm curious as to why he asked you to make dinner tomorrow night. Does he not go to restaurants? Or was it your turn to cook? His proposal sounded very un-datelike.

 

Rather than saying 'no' to cooking, perhaps you could have suggested going somewhere for dinner. Thing is, skipping the dinner and heading straight for sex gives a very clear sign of wanting a sex only relationship.

 

We've gone out to dinner several times already, just in a couple of weeks. The other times we have cooked. I'm vegan and he's omni. In the text he sent me today, he specifically mentioned doing "hot stuff" after "attempting another attempt at vegan food?". It was cute.

 

I've never once asked that we cook a vegan based meal, but in the times he's wanted me to come over and that he's cooked for me, he's made sure to mention that he will make it vegan, and he's added non-vegan stuff to his plate if he wants. To me that's super nice and not expected at all.

 

Ugh. Ok. I think I just super screwed this up with the "playful" sex thing. I thought it would be cute. But now I really feel like maybe im downplaying how into me he might be, especially because I'm overreacting about the stupid trip:confused:

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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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I don't think the trip suggestion was the problem. This conversation seems to be where you really put it into FWB territory. I mean you turned down a date and voted yes to having sex instead. :eek:

 

 

 

Got nothing to do with nixing the trip, everything to do with the above conversation and him now referring to you as his F-buddy. I'm pretty sure the 'bunny' is iPhone auto-correcting 'buddy'.

 

 

 

That would be pointless. He's firmly put you in the sex-only category, he's probably not interested in your explanations at this point. Your only save now is to explain to him you're after a relationship. I don't expect he's going to come to the party, but there's not much you can do about that anyway. Judging by his reaction to you anyway I'm not sure he was ever in it for a relationship.

 

No thanks to going on a trip with you but hey can I buy you dinner and feel you up instead?

 

 

Thanks for the response. I guess I can provide more context....in terms of him not exactly pursuing a relationship, I'd go more towards that he is.

 

We met at a mutual friend's birthday party, and after out first "official" date ended in awkward sexual nervousness on both ends, he wanted to try again, and suggested no drinks or booze this time, since that might have enabled the awkwardness the first go-around.

 

We've gone out to dinner several times, he wanted (and had me) meet some of his friends. Also, he has mentioned several times that we do something more fun and lively, so I had to idea of rock climbing, stuff like that, etc. He was super into it, and prefers to not just sit around, cook, and have sex every time. I dont either, but like I said, I figured I was just being playful in that one text.

 

Perhaps I shouldve rethought sending that though...

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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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Buddhist and I are on the same wavelength and crossed posted. Her post made me wonder if I've missed something in translation:

 

Does "Can you make dinner?" mean "can you attend dinner?" or "can you cook dinner?"

 

 

Sorry, my post was unclear. I just meant it was implied that we make dinner together.

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Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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Now context is important. ;) when you said you knew him 10 days I didn't imagine that in those 10 days you've met up several times and had cook overs too. I thought, this is like date number 2 or 3. That colours this somewhat differently. If he's well known to you, and you guys have been meeting up a lot and having fun then perhaps that conversation is not the worst thing in the world.

 

Coming from a virtual stranger, yeah it doesn't look promising. But this is a different context. No, I don't think the road trip was a problem, and even that text conversation may not be, the drunk thing worried me but I see it's an in joke. The only way to know is to proceed as situation normal, dump any negative expectations and see what pans out. ;) Just play it.

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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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Now context is important. ;) when you said you knew him 10 days I didn't imagine that in those 10 days you've met up several times and had cook overs too. I thought, this is like date number 2 or 3. That colours this somewhat differently. If he's well known to you, and you guys have been meeting up a lot and having fun then perhaps that conversation is not the worst thing in the world.

 

Coming from a virtual stranger, yeah it doesn't look promising. But this is a different context. No, I don't think the road trip was a problem, and even that text conversation may not be, the drunk thing worried me but I see it's an in joke. The only way to know is to proceed as situation normal, dump any negative expectations and see what pans out. ;) Just play it.

 

Thanks...you're right. I need to proceed as normal, and not mention the road trip again at all. I'm planning to text tomorrow during work and just mention that I have an idea regarding what to cook for dinner, since I actually do haha. Hopefully that will scale back the (unprecedented) "I only want the sex" text that I idiotically sent him.

 

I'm just nervous. It's been some time since I've felt stable/ready to date, and dated someone who seems the same. Not to mention how long it's been since I've really crushed on someone this hard.

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Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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Not to mention how long it's been since I've really crushed on someone this hard.

 

:laugh: Yeah I know. Someone told me once it doesn't matter how old we are, when we crush we are like 12yrs old again. :p Look it's been my experience that when someone wants a relationship with you it happens no matter what. They aren't put off by a stupid text, they aren't worried about you having sex too soon. I mean sex can't come soon enough with someone you want to be your SO anyway. :D Misunderstandings are cleared because both people want the same thing, right? They work to make it happen. Not act like field mice hiding from a cat. If any kind of game-plan is involved, it's not a relationship that's happening.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I don't think the trip suggestion was the problem. This conversation seems to be where you really put it into FWB territory. I mean you turned down a date and voted yes to having sex instead. :eek:

 

This! If you want to meet someone and have a relationship, this is a bad way to go... Good luck.

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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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This! If you want to meet someone and have a relationship, this is a bad way to go... Good luck.

 

Of course. I'm just now seeing the other side of how to interpret what I said :(....but given the rest of the context I've put in the other comments, do you think I totally screwed it up?

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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If you really want more than just sex, that has to be clear right from the start.

 

It has to be obvious, and unambiguous.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I think you need to have a conversation with him. Tell him that you really like him and that you are looking for something a little more serious at this point in your life - a relationship. Tell him that you'd like to take some time to get to know him and that you'd like to go out and have some fun together. Give some ideas - movies, baseball game, biking together... Whatever you would enjoy.

 

If he likes you and he's really interested, he will agree to this. If he only wants you for sex, he will leave and it will be better you know this now than later.

 

I do agree with Satu that you need to be very clear in your expectations. It's not that you don't want to have sex with him, but you want to take some time to get to know each other first. just be clear - no more misleading texts or taking him home/going on a trip when you are not prepared to have sex with him.

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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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If you really want more than just sex, that has to be clear right from the start.

 

It has to be obvious, and unambiguous.

 

Well...it pretty much was. But if I feel like I've ****ed up, should I just tell him straight up I didn't mean that? And the last couple times we talked, it was about how attracted we were to each other. Our first night was so sexually intense, but we didn't go beyond 1st base. I told him I wasn't interested in having sex off the bat and his reply was "this is more than enough", he said the next day he was "floating on a cloud at work", something along those lines.

 

The other night was the first time I went home(worked early) instead of staying over. But we still stayed up late in bed talking and goofing around.....I'm wondering if that threw him off too, And now he's just playing off my cues?!? This guy has been so damn sweet to me but I over analyzed his reaction to my trip request...and now here I am.

 

Damn. I mean I just don't know--do I bring this **** up or play it cool and re-suggest cooking dinner tonight with a recipe I have?

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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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I think you need to have a conversation with him. Tell him that you really like him and that you are looking for something a little more serious at this point in your life - a relationship. Tell him that you'd like to take some time to get to know him and that you'd like to go out and have some fun together. Give some ideas - movies, baseball game, biking together... Whatever you would enjoy.

 

If he likes you and he's really interested, he will agree to this. If he only wants you for sex, he will leave and it will be better you know this now than later.

 

I do agree with Satu that you need to be very clear in your expectations. It's not that you don't want to have sex with him, but you want to take some time to get to know each other first. just be clear - no more misleading texts or taking him home/going on a trip when you are not prepared to have sex with him.

 

We've already slept together at this point, and done other activities such as go rock climbing, go to a show, go out to dinner, etc. but yes...you're right maybe I should just have the convo with him, especially after my stupid text last night. I guess I'm just worried one approach may be better ....another user suggested I play it cool and revert back to making dinner and emotionally showing I'm still wanting more than just sex. But maybe that's not ebough?

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Sorry, I didn't go back to reread your post before I posted.

 

If you want to slow it down, avoid the temptation of the at home date. Suggest something fun to do - go out! Be cool and don't make a big deal of it. Just plan something different.

 

Just a thought. Good luck.

Edited by BaileyB
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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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We've already slept together at this point, and done other activities such as go rock climbing, go to a show, go out to dinner, etc. but yes...you're right maybe I should just have the convo with him, especially after my stupid text last night. I guess I'm just worried one approach may be better ....another user suggested I play it cool and revert back to making dinner and emotionally showing I'm still wanting more than just sex. But maybe that's not ebough?

 

I think you just need to not worry so much and roll with it. The two of you are dating, not just hooking up, and that's where you want to be. It's too soon for the serious relationship talk, imho. Yes, there is ambiguity. Just be ok with it for awhile. You're enjoying each other's company, you're both enjoying the sex. You don't know if he's actively pursuing a relationship or doing what he needs to do to get laid, but he's doing it well. The answer will become apparent soon enough. Don't get overly invested before it does.

 

The only suggestion I might have as far as orchestrating the progression would be to see how he reacts if sex is not a foregone conclusion every time you see each other. If he's mostly about the relationship that probably won't bother him. If he's just doing what it takes to get laid, it probably will. Either way it won't be definitive but it will give you some valuable insight.

 

My girlfriend did that when we were first getting going and it prompted us to have a talk about what we wanted. We were on the same page, and we're still together. We did a weekend at the beach just three weeks after meeting, and about a week after first getting sexual. It was a test - we cranked up the sex and didn't get on each other's nerves :bunny:

 

The time she came over for dinner (I usually cook) and said she didn't want to have sex is a pretty funny story. She proclaims this a no-sex date upon arriving so I could reset the expectation. After dinner she says, let's just lay down and cuddle and talk. So we talked and determined that we were on the same page, and things got progressively steamy. Eventually she said, oh to hell with it- I want you to phuk me.

 

So that was the end of that... now we have an agreement that either one of us can call a no-sex date without it being a big deal, but after ten months it still hasn't happened. There have been times when one of us wasn't feeling well or we were both too tired after hiking or something, but no abstinence because of not being in the mood or whatever. If we pass because of being tired, we both understand that it will happen at 3am, or 6am.

 

You just have to go through a period of getting to know someone before you start in on the relationship stuff. I know that women often wish they could get a guarantee but that's not how it works.

 

Good luck. It sounds like to me you're off to a great start. I would bring up the weekend getaway again at some point. Go with the flow and have fun.

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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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I think you just need to not worry so much and roll with it. The two of you are dating, not just hooking up, and that's where you want to be. It's too soon for the serious relationship talk, imho. Yes, there is ambiguity. Just be ok with it for awhile. You're enjoying each other's company, you're both enjoying the sex. You don't know if he's actively pursuing a relationship or doing what he needs to do to get laid, but he's doing it well. The answer will become apparent soon enough. Don't get overly invested before it does.

 

You just have to go through a period of getting to know someone before you start in on the relationship stuff. I know that women often wish they could get a guarantee but that's not how it works.

 

Good luck. It sounds like to me you're off to a great start. I would bring up the weekend getaway again at some point. Go with the flow and have fun.

 

I only quoted parts of it, but of course I read it all. Thank so you much for your detailed response and insight. It was very helpful.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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More context is good.

 

It sounds to me like you have a good dating relationship going. Is it at all possible that you're over thinking this whole text? Given that you do lots of date stuff, has he given you any real reason to suspect that he's only in it for sex?

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Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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Some context: the last guy I dated(4 mo) was not serious, and I made it clear from the 1st date that I wasn't looking for a relationship. He said that was totally fine, but said he wanted someone to exclusively "have fun" with, go on trips with, go to shows, etc. So, weeks later, we were going on road trips. No expectations. We had a lot of fun for a bit, but naturally I put space between us because I didn't have those "intense" feelings, and ended up not wanting to pursue anything more with him. I'm worried that this might have flowed over into the current guy I'm seeing, who I DO feel like I have a connection worth pursuing.

 

FAST FORWARD TO NOW: this guy and I have been hanging out for about 2 weeks. This past Thursday i was an idiot and asked if he wanted to go on a one-night trip somewhere during the July 4th weekend. After about 1.5 weeks of hanging out. I immediately regretted asking it; it didn't seem odd beforehand, since none of my other friends have Fridays off, and since I figured he was someone who would be fun to hang with. In general, I road trip fairly often, perhaps every other weekend.

 

He said he'd be free but would get back to me later. Anyways, I didn't bring it up again. We STILL ended up hanging Friday afterwards, then this past sunday as well. I made it a point to not bring up the trip at all.

 

We didn't text or talk at all yesterday(something I also got in the habit of with the last guy I dated, and it didn't end up bothering me). He texted me today and said "Bad news, I have to watch my friend's dog so I can't go with you on the trip" and had a sad emoji. I'm 99% sure that's a lie, and I can't blame him. I had kind of let it slide off the map since Sunday anyways, and wasn't going to bring it up. I texted back and told him that I kind of forgot about it, and that I hadn't made any plans of where to go/where to stay, which was completely true.

He then texted back asking if I wanted to make dinner tomorrow, "get drunk, and do hot things".

 

I was playful and said "Dinner, no so much. Hot things, yerp. I need that right now."

 

Then he texted back "See you then. F bunny" with a ****load of emojis. Guessing that meant "**** bunny"...but who knows.

 

My dilemma: does this mean he's probably not into trying to date me seriously, since he nixed the trip this weekend? GRANTED, I know it was jumping the gun. I'm just thinking if I really liked someone and was in his shoes, maybe I'd still just say yes and take the trip, but then again...ive never been in this situation.

 

Should I mention tomorrow how I realized it was a stupid idea, provide him with my past dating experience, etc....is that even a good idea?

I'm fairly upfront and do value open communication, but I'm worried I'll get super nervous and won't be tactful if I bring this up tomorrow.

 

What do I say or do?? After my last fling, it's like I'm an idiot who no longer knows how to properly take my time or date someone I'm actually interested in.

 

What I bolded is where you went right. You conveyed your free spirit nature and that by failing to give you an immediate or timely answer, he became forgettable. That's an A or a B+, can't really recover from having asked much better than that!

 

However, where you went wrong was in the way you answered his baited question!!! He was testing you. I take it to mean that he was somewhat on the fence about you, maybe not looking for a relationship or panicked about a trip away so soon into whatever you do have. So, yes the dog thing was probably a white lie. So now he's sussing you out. He's presumed you are desperate-ish or too invested so he throws out a semi-date activity combined with a request for sex basically.

 

If you like him and want to date him, you should have said yes to date OR perhaps even better put him on ice until after the 4th of july in the sweetest way possible. Also tease him for making the sexual suggestion, ie a subtle hint that he is going to have to put in more effort to get that from you. The way you answered, you have firmly put yourself in the FWB category (for now at least, life can be weird). You want a relationship with him, right? Or did I get that wrong? I need to read the thread only saw your OP for now. I feel bad, I think you had a chance but don't forget people will test you to see your boundaries. If he is panicked for whatever reason about having a relationship and you give him an easy way out (ie that you'd be ok with FWB), it actual lowers your value in his eyes and puts you in a category where he is not that likely to see you as gf material. I suggest you get really clear on what you want out of this guy/life and then make the solidly right moves toward that. Good luck!

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Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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Oops and no to answer your other question, don't say anything. Guys consider that drama in this context. Show him with your actions what you need/want. Also I think people put way too much emphasis on being "hurt or whatever damage" from past relationship. I don't want to date someone's problems. No one really does--unless they are another melancholy person, likely damaged as well. Think of the beginning as moments to show your best self. The kind of person who is stronger for whatever she has gone through and learned from it in a mature, sophisticated way.

 

If you pull back and he contacts you again, you can laughingly and self-deprecatingly say with 1/2 a sentence that it was probably too soon to take a trip together. Again, I would do the teasing or sarcastic (like partially making fun of yourself) and partially teasing him (not a complete or possibly misunderstood put-down), just something cute/funny that shows you can be light-hearted and that he has more work to do to obtain full entry into your life. Good luck

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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*snip

Damn. I mean I just don't know--do I bring this **** up or play it cool and re-suggest cooking dinner tonight with a recipe I have?

 

*I think you're being much too hard on yourself.

 

 

Be exactly the same person on the outside that you are on the inside.

 

Thats all you have to do.

 

Don't 'play it cool.'

 

Don't play anything.

 

Open mind, open heart.

 

Say what you think, when you think it.

 

Its all good.

 

 

Take care.

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kardinal3 Member

kardinal3

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More context is good.

 

It sounds to me like you have a good dating relationship going. Is it at all possible that you're over thinking this whole text? Given that you do lots of date stuff, has he given you any real reason to suspect that he's only in it for sex?

 

No, he really hasn't. I guess I freaked and took his text about dinner/sex out of context after thinking about him saying he couldn't go on the trip yet.

 

We hung out last night and I do think I was overthinking a lot. I'll post a bread update in a bit.

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