Women how would you take this letter

[Dork Vader]

I'm dealing with it surprisingly well, normally this would have been the end of things as I would have had an epic melt down over the idea of break.

 

Anyways there has been a feeling of an elephant in the room the last few weeks. The last month has been extremely trying for me, I had to put my dog (best friend) of 13 years down. She was not there for me when it happened. A friend from high school was found beaten to death in a field and so on. On top of that there were a few moments in which my girl friend admitted she had been acting weird.

 

Fast forward to the break. I only got to see her 3 times last week. Once for a quick lunch on our lunch breaks. Then on Thursday and Friday night. Neither night were one on one. I suggested we spend Saturday night together at home watching movies. She said okay. Saturday afternoon rolls around and she wants to have lunch so I bring lunch over and she wants to talk.

 

She suggest we go on a break. Her reasoning was that she wanted to spend time with her mother Saturday night and felt guilty about it. As we talked more she said that she really felt like we missed out on the early stages of a relationship. She was all over the place in terms of her thoughts. I said I knew something had been off, but really would not have cared if she went to see her mom Saturday night. She was surprised by that. One moment she said who knows I could decide I'm insanely in love with you, you've shown me how a girl should be treated and so on. She stressed that I look and see if I feel she can meet my needs and so on. But she did also say she did not like my OCD behavior that had been popping up.

 

The OCD behavior was a bit of insecurity and me editing myself due to those insecurities. Some of it was fueled by her, some of it was my own doing. I can understand her not liking that.

 

Anyways the more I think about this the more I wonder how much of a roll bipolar is playing in this. Some mean things were said on her part, there has been a lot of push pull from her and so on. I also received these text messages asking me who I had been talking too about us and asking if I was dating. I told her I was not.

 

Opinions?

[Marc878]

A break is normally to try out someone new.

 

Sorry but you are being dumped.

[smackie9]

So sorry you are going through so much. The sad news just keeps coming for sure. MY opinion is she is letting you down easy because of all the other sensitive stuff going on in your life. In other words it's not working out, it's hard but you need to move on.

[Dork Vader]

If that is the case, why would she text me a few days later and ask "you said you feel like you are single? are you starting to date?" I need to know if you are or are not because I'm trying to work on this."

[Blanco]

Because she's still emotionally invested to a degree; just not enough to want an exclusive relationship with you.

[Blanco]

One word of caution. You're handling this well, most likely, because you don't see this for what it most likely is: the end of your relationship. Brace yourself for that likelihood. Going on a "break" is sort of like dipping your toes in the water to gauge how cold it is.

[Satu]

"Break" = Breakup, most of the time.

 

It might not mean that in your case, but you'd be wise to prepare for that eventuality.

 

 

Take care.

[joseb]

If that is the case, why would she text me a few days later and ask "you said you feel like you are single? are you starting to date?" I need to know if you are or are not because I'm trying to work on this."

 

Because she is hoping you will make it easier on her by doing the moving on part and then she wont have to dump you.

[Toodaloo]

Dork she is breaking up with you the slow way.

 

Use this as a time to realise that you are actually happier and calmer... You certainly sound it... with out her.

 

Good luck!

[Dork Vader]

You all might be right. I just don't get why she would be so concerned with me keeping a boundary with a female friend. She made it very clear she did not want me talking to that female friend about us or me going near her.

 

She then made it very clear that me saying I felt like I was single was a bad thing and giving her anxiety and that she was working on "us".

 

The ironic thing is as much as I want this relationship to work. I'm starting to think it might be best that we don't date anymore.

[Toodaloo]

You all might be right. I just don't get why she would be so concerned with me keeping a boundary with a female friend. She made it very clear she did not want me talking to that female friend about us or me going near her.

 

She then made it very clear that me saying I felt like I was single was a bad thing and giving her anxiety and that she was working on "us".

 

The ironic thing is as much as I want this relationship to work. I'm starting to think it might be best that we don't date anymore.

 

Because she doesn't want you to get into a relationship before she does and she want to "control" how fast you heal... Guilt tripping you into staying "bound" to her while she has a look around and sniff about for someone else.

 

You are the only person on this entire board that wants this relationship to continue... the rest of us just want you to be happy and continuing this is not the way... All this break has proven to any of us is that you are happier without.

[south225]

Yeah, don't fall for it. My ex did this to me. She got mad when she had an inclining that I was talking to someone else, then she slept with someone else and suddenly told me I could date around too.

 

Your ex just wants to make sure you're still around in case she wants to come back. If she finds someone else who will give her attention, she'll be gone.

[Marc878]

It's like a child who doesn't want a toy until someone else does.

[CarrieT]

You all might be right. I just don't get why she would be so concerned with me keeping a boundary with a female friend. She made it very clear she did not want me talking to that female friend about us or me going near her.

"I don't want YOU to start a new relationship while I figure out if *I* want to start one myself..."

 

Y

She then made it very clear that me saying I felt like I was single was a bad thing and giving her anxiety and that she was working on "us".

She is not working on "us" - she is deciding if she wants to be 100% single and dating new guys.

[joseb]

You all might be right. I just don't get why she would be so concerned with me keeping a boundary with a female friend. She made it very clear she did not want me talking to that female friend about us or me going near her.

 

She then made it very clear that me saying I felt like I was single was a bad thing and giving her anxiety and that she was working on "us".

 

The ironic thing is as much as I want this relationship to work. I'm starting to think it might be best that we don't date anymore.

 

It's actually pretty common for someone to behave like that while breaking up. They still like to feel they have power over you. It's pretty ****ty really.

 

The main thing to focus on is that you are realising that a breakup is what is best for you. I remember her now, the uncaring gf when your dog died. I think you will be far happier without her, and you are starting to realise it.

[Dork Vader]

I don't want to give a lot background, we sort of mutually broke up. We both said we were unsure of it and in general things have been odd. I was still getting text messages from her but I quit responding to them because I got overwhelmed. Anyways I want a second chance at a possible relationship with her.. Opinions on the letter?

 

 

I hope you’re doing good. I’m sure you’re thoroughly confused at the moment, but my hope is this letter will answer all of you’re questions.

Everything just became clear to me (it’s the 28th). I feel like our relationship failed because we quit having fun together. Sure there were some moments of fun together, shopping at Walmart, playing games together and so on.

I was consumed with and focused on all the wrong things. I was trying to meet your needs and trying to figure out what the elephant in the room was. I thought you needed structure and specific amounts of time to yourself. I thought you wanted and needed to hear what I liked about our relationship.

If you learned anything about OCD, I would hope you read and learned that sometimes my emotions lie to me. I can’t always trust them and sometimes I’ll say or ask for the wrong things.

I did not need nor want more time, affection, sex or any of that. I was perfectly happy. The small things you did meant the world to me, the plaque for misty, you saying you’d been selfish and wanted to do what ever I wanted. Those kind of small things were all I ever needed or wanted.

I’m sorry for going Missing In Action on you Sunday night. I was overwhelmed with emotions and feelings. I just needed time to figure things out, time to catch up. You’re right relationships are hard. Relationships take work, compromise, patience, forgiveness, understanding and so much more.

You don’t have to be alone. I’m still here, I still care for you very much. You have a man right in front of you, who still adores everything you are including being Bipolar. He just wants a second chance to do things right and to have fun. Is there anyway you can find it in your heart to give us and our compatibility a second chance?

[bathtub-row]

There doesn't seem to be much ambiguity in the letter. He's saying that if you want to get back together with him, he's open to it.

[Buddhist]

It's touching. But this is not the kind of thing you can do via email. The opportunity for things to be misinterpreted is too high. That letter will be read, over and over, analysed and things read into it that just were never there or never intended. If you really want a second chance, it has to be done face to face.

[Dork Vader]

I don't intend to do it via email. I intend to have it delivered w/ flowers. It's from me to her. I just want women's perspective on it and if there is any room for improvement.

 

The talking in person is a great idea. But I don't feel like it is an option at the moment. I'm not going to act on this (yet) if I do it will be in a week or so.

[Buddhist]

I don't intend to do it via email. I intend to have it delivered w/ flowers. It's from me to her. I just want women's perspective on it and if there is any room for improvement.

 

Email\letter makes no difference. My perspective is the same, you'll miss 80% of the communication this way.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with Buddhist.

 

This needs to be said in person, not in written form.

[AlexisRose]

Sometimes it's so much easier to put things in writing. You can say what you want to express but somehow can't face to face and without leaving anything you did want to say out.

Delivering with flowers is a really sweet idea.

One point I would pick up on is that I would leave out the mention of Bipolar. She knows her own issues and doesn't need them pointed out especially as one that you possibly seem to feel you need brownie points for accommodating.

[Toodaloo]

IF you do this you need to do it in person...

 

I have doubts about you doing it though...

 

I dunno DV I kinda think you need to let this go and just remember the happier days...

 

Good luck with it though.

[Cherryz]

First, not all second chances are worth asking or giving.

Sometimes its just the feeling of missing the other that let us think we should

go back. While the other important things arent there to have a good balanced relationship.

 

If you want second chance, you should sit and talk in person. Face to face so you can clear everything out.And both can answer each others worry and how to work this out.

Maybe the letter is a way to let her know you still want her?

Let there be a conversation after she agree to see you. And be both open and honest of what you looking for and want.

[Gaeta]

Forget about sending this with flowers. She broke up with you, she is not in a frame of mind to be getting flowers from you. Ask her if you can drop by and speak to her. If she does not want to than accept it's over.