Blanco Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 That is the first thing I plan to ask her. She told me she thought being single and getting out there is what she wanted, but she realised it wasn't. That's a diplomatic way of saying she thought she would find something better for her preferences, and didn't find it. So it's back to Plan B. That is, until the itch of "what else is out there" returns. And at 20 years old, that itch WILL return. 3
Toodaloo Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 That's a diplomatic way of saying she thought she would find something better for her preferences, and didn't find it. So it's back to Plan B. That is, until the itch of "what else is out there" returns. And at 20 years old, that itch WILL return. Oh my days listen to Blanco. Do not take this girl back. She only wants you as a stop gap until she finds someone she wants. Quit being her plaything and entertainment and go find someone who does actually care about you rather than just says it to toy with your emotions and keep you on a hook until she can be bothered to throw you back again. 4
Redhead14 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Oh my days listen to Blanco. Do not take this girl back. She only wants you as a stop gap until she finds someone she wants. Quit being her plaything and entertainment and go find someone who does actually care about you rather than just says it to toy with your emotions and keep you on a hook until she can be bothered to throw you back again. Yeah, it's been "dry" out there for her since she left you, so she'll go back to a sure thing even if she wasn't really happy with it. She's settling . . . for the time being, at least.
Giggles666 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 //That is the first thing I plan to ask her. She told me she thought being single and getting out there is what she wanted, but she realised it wasn't. Im gonna sound crazy asking her all these questions but I have to know these things, you know?// It means she wants to suck you back in until she finds someone she likes me. The old "I want my cake and I want to eat it also", or "you'll do for now.". I would back off and just forget iit before you get more hurt and confused.
LD1990 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I am 22, she is 20. She said something last night that I don't think I have ever heard her say and thought she would never say anything of the sort, but she said she loves me so much that she can see her life with me and loves me like she would marry me. And yet with all this love for you she risked losing you forever twice by dumping you. Look, I get it. You're in the spot every dumpee wants to be in at one point or another. The ex is back, saying all these sweet things, wanting to get back together and it's as tempting as it gets. You're probably going to give it another shot. But the other posters here are absolutely right. Quite honestly, playing 20 questions with her is a complete waste of time. You really think you're going to get honesty? She knows what you want to hear, you know what you want to hear, it's just gonna be you asking stuff and her whipping up some cliche answer to satisfy you. This girl is many years away from being ready for a commitment. When you go back to her, things will be rosy for a bit. Then she'll get some male attention and once again start thinking about all the options she has. Then she's gonna leave again. 1
kolleamm Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I hate to break it to you but it sounds like she is only there for you until she finds someone else. You need to find someone who appreciates you. When it comes to dating, words mean absolutely nothing. People will tell you the most beautiful lies. Don't get back together with her simply because it's too much work to find someone else. You will likely regret it. 1
DKT3 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Yeah I agree with the others....I think that she may be being very honest with her feelings at the moment...however a couple things she said makes me think that the breakup was for her to explore something with another guy, her say slow and low-key suggests that she is still involved but its coming to an end if she can pull you back at in. If that is correct then it's a pattern that will continue to repeat itself over and over again. Too young to deal with that mess, go out and enjoy being 22 1
54JA Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I'm kinda torn about this. If you are above 30, I would say "just move on, don't waste your time." But you are only 22, and at age 22, anything is a learning experience. Heart breaks and making mistakes are part of what we all go through to grow up. I agree with everyone here about the value of asking questions. We don't know what she's feeling right now. It's possible that she truly misses you and misses the relationship. It's possible that she honestly does not see you as her plan b/backup plan (but it's very likely that she is refusing to acknowledge that she is treating you as her backup plan; her emotions make her believe the prettier version of the justification). I don't think she will be able to give you the kind of answers that will help you make objective decisions as to what to do about the relationship. This is the risk (leap of faith that they mean what they say) we all take when we enter into a new relationship. And I believe that this risk is worth it (especially for a new relationship). However, this is not a new relationship for you. You have the "data" from your previous interactions with her to help you figure out the odds of success for this relationship for the 2nd/3rd time around. However, in the end, because you are very young, whether you try again with your ex or with a new girl, you will learn something and grow. Both you and your ex are still learning about what it's like to love, what it's like to commit, what it's like to trust, etc. as well as your preferences along with everything else about life. That's what young people do. I can't really fault your ex for being the typical 20 year old girl that she is. Another thought: You said she is 20 years old now. I don't know what county you live in, but if you are in the US, be prepared for her next phase of "what else is out there" when she turns 21 (legal, drinking age). Well, I guess you can't really prepare for it, but it's something to think about if you really want to assess the risk. 1
Author Jam005 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 I'm kinda torn about this. If you are above 30, I would say "just move on, don't waste your time." But you are only 22, and at age 22, anything is a learning experience. Heart breaks and making mistakes are part of what we all go through to grow up. I agree with everyone here about the value of asking questions. We don't know what she's feeling right now. It's possible that she truly misses you and misses the relationship. It's possible that she honestly does not see you as her plan b/backup plan (but it's very likely that she is refusing to acknowledge that she is treating you as her backup plan; her emotions make her believe the prettier version of the justification). I don't think she will be able to give you the kind of answers that will help you make objective decisions as to what to do about the relationship. This is the risk (leap of faith that they mean what they say) we all take when we enter into a new relationship. And I believe that this risk is worth it (especially for a new relationship). However, this is not a new relationship for you. You have the "data" from your previous interactions with her to help you figure out the odds of success for this relationship for the 2nd/3rd time around. However, in the end, because you are very young, whether you try again with your ex or with a new girl, you will learn something and grow. Both you and your ex are still learning about what it's like to love, what it's like to commit, what it's like to trust, etc. as well as your preferences along with everything else about life. That's what young people do. I can't really fault your ex for being the typical 20 year old girl that she is. Another thought: You said she is 20 years old now. I don't know what county you live in, but if you are in the US, be prepared for her next phase of "what else is out there" when she turns 21 (legal, drinking age). Well, I guess you can't really prepare for it, but it's something to think about if you really want to assess the risk. I'm not afraid to say no to her, and I am completely looking out for MYSELF and what I'm worth. I told her everything, how much it hurt when she left and how I feel like a back up plan and that I'm a comfort zone. I also said that it would even take me a long time to build up trust again, not with just her but with any partner. When we talked she grabbed my hand and just busted out into tears, she told me something that was a little bit of a shock. Towards the end of our second time around she found out that she probably wouldn't be able to have kids and she said it ate her alive. Didn't want to talk to it with anyone and was scared of what I'd think, and oh god I would support anyone through that. She wanted to be alone. She eventually told me she tried talking to someone and that it just wasn't right and she would see my name pop up all the time and think of me constantly. Look, I don't know how much of this to believe, but..I am young and there is no doubt I still have feelings left for her, I am just worried it won't work again. And you know what, after all this I feel I have become emotionally stronger and I wouldn't be afraid to walk away if I knew it wasn't right. 18 is the legal age to drink here, so she's been out and done all that and we both go out and party. But if I caught onto anything fishy I'd just tell her to never talk to me again. Am I wrong for wanting to try again? I am scared, quite scared. Also worried people including my family will tell me I'm crazy because everyone said I can't go back. I said to her I need to think about all this, and maybe we could hang a couple of times to see how it feels, and I guess if it doesn't feel right I'd be the first to say.
Blanco Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 You're not wrong for wanting to try it again. Most of us have been there. However, I do disagree with the poster who said that your age is a reason for you to give it another shot. I feel differently. If you were both older and near the edge of being "too old" to start having kids and all that, then yeah, maybe settle and give it another shot, even though it's already failed twice. But at 22 and 20? Man, you are in some peak years for meeting new and potentially better (for you) partners. If I have one regret from my college years, it's that I spent a lot of it partnered up in a relationship that was probably never going anywhere and then a lot of time after it was over lamenting that loss. It gets a lot harder to meet people after college unless you're living in a booming city. I say don't invest more of your prime years in something that has already shown a lack of sustainability.
Recommended Posts