"no one even wants me except you"

[Will9]

thats what she said when i mentioned the possibility of other guys competing for her heart. shes 25 , im 26. things have gotten serious and we've talked about marriage and kids in the full year that we've been in a relationship.....she's only had one boyfriend before me and pretty much ONLY hangs out with her family (mainly her sister and brother in law because she lives with them) ...she has no male freinds and says shes uncomfortable around most guys so she avoids them.

 

 

 

based on this information does it sound like she could be settling because she feels like she has no options ("no one even wants me except you") ? like if some other guy WERE to take a liking to her what are the odds that she'd give him a chance ?....i just dont know if im the final guy for her even though she says otherwise...

 

 

she seems inexperienced around men because shes so shy and has always avoided them...its just that i wonderer what would happen if she decided to get out more and other men started to show interest.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Will9

[Yookie]

I think you have a legit reason to be worried. It's not about other men though. Sounds like she hasn't matured enough to find herself yet. The person she is now at 25 will not be the person she will be when she gains her confidence a few years from now. Hopefully by that time she will have spread her wings and come out of her comfort zone enough to find herself. Until then, any relationship will be a crap shoot.

[Buddhist]

.its just that i wonderer what would happen if she decided to get out more and other men started to show interest.

 

I don't think you have to wonder about anything here. Apparently her self esteem is so low she would likely not even know interest in her if she tripped over it. The bigger question for you really is, can you see yourself living with someone long term with so little sense of self worth? It might seem like the ideal situation because she won't stray but, but the real problem is her low sense of self worth is going to act out in various ways in the relationship and she will probably engage in self sabotaging behaviours as well. If you're happy with her otherwise, and are willing to give her the space to grow, then it might be okay. But if she never does and you then become her security blanket, things could get claustrophobic.

[Will9]

but the real problem is her low sense of self worth is going to act out in various ways in the relationship and she will probably engage in self sabotaging behaviours as well.

 

 

what do you mean specifically ? like cheating ?

 

 

 

also, I dont mind if it gets claustrophobic as long as her feelings for me stay the same and are exclusive . im ok with being her security blanket *shrugs*

 

 

I just feel like maybe shes just scratched the surface when it comes to relationships. she says im the one but i guess she didnt exactly choose me from a huge pool of contenders, so to speak....i just worry that if/when other options come along she wont feel as strongly about me.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Will9

[Toodaloo]

what do you mean specifically ? like cheating ?

 

also, I dont mind if it gets claustrophobic as long as her feelings for me stay the same and are exclusive . im ok with being her security blanket *shrugs*

 

Not cheating but other behavior that would really get on your nerves if you had to live with it day in and day out...

 

She is unlikely to cheat as she wouldn't even notice other men who may fancy her. But you are unlikely to be able to go out much or enjoy a social life. Your friends may feel awkward coming to visit if she doesn't openly welcome them and hides herself away. It can get very stifling having to be someones emotional crutch all the time. She may start accusing you of not loving her and you may end up on constant egg shells. Having an argument would be a nightmare and may result in "silences" that go on for days on end...

[Buddhist]

what do you mean specifically ? like cheating ?

Also, I dont mind if it gets claustrophobic as long as her feelings for me stay the same and are exclusive . im ok with being her security blanket *shrugs*

 

She's unlikely to cheat because she won't ever believe anyone else wants her, even if someone made a very obvious move on her, she still won't believe it. Self sabotaging behaviours will exhibit in things like careers that go nowhere and her being constantly frustrated by being unable to achieve her goals, spiralling down into depressive and self pitying moods that eventually wreck your relationship.

 

You should mind being someone's security blanket because once you enable that kind of behaviour she will start expecting you to shield her from any and all uncomfortable experiences. She'll likely refuse to attend family and friendship gatherings because she feels uncomfortable. Might even expect you to either entertain her the whole time (if she does go) or expect you not to go because she doesn't like it. That kind of thing. She might go but pressure you constantly to leave earlier than you want. The home will become this eggshell environment where it's the only place she feels safe and she needs you in it, all the time.

 

Trust me, this is a quick death spiral to any relationship. You will begin feeling like her babysitter, not her partner.

 

I just feel like maybe shes just scratched the surface when it comes to relationships. she says im the one but i guess she didnt exactly choose me from a huge pool of contenders, so to speak....i just worry that if/when other options come along she wont feel as strongly about me.

 

But what you're doing here is using your rationale as a basis for a fear. This is unlikely to be how she's thinking at all. In fact, someone with little self esteem will be grateful they are married and that whole confronting 'no-one wants to date me' thing has now permanently gone away. Having the thoughts you're showing there actually requires someone to regard themselves to a fairly high degree. The thing you fear, isn't likely to happen. However the thing you're not looking at, is very likely to happen.

 

If you love this girl do not marry her until such time as she has a different point of view about herself. She needs to grow before she gets married. If she doesn't she will use the marriage to support her negative view of herself and that will start fights about how you don't love her enough etc. She will just project her self hatred onto you and make you out to be the bad guy. It's not because there's anything wrong with her as such. That's just what happens when people have issues like this and they don't recognise them as something to work on.