JewelD Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 So I've been talking to this girl and we vibe really well and I really like her. However, I was on her fb and noticed she had a LOT of photos of her and her ex. They dated for 7 years, from high school until about 3 years ago. She claims they broke up bc they were better as friends and they never should have dated. She said I have nothing to worry about bc her ex lives in a different city and now has a new gf. But she also said her ex will always be a part of her life and that they talk once a month. We're still in the 'talking' phase, so I didn't push it, but I made it clear that I think it's weird as hell. I don't see myself being cool with my gf having a friendship with someone she knocked boots with for 7 years. and the "she'll always be a part of my life". Like wtf does that mean, is she coming to Christmas dinner every year or some ****? We're both looking for something long term and if it made it that far, her ex can't be a part of it. At all. Like her coming to the wedding if we got married, absolutely not. She seems like a trustworthy person, but it's the principal. Eventually, you meet your partner's friends and you guys become cool, but there's no way I could meet somebody she slept with that long and be cool with her. I know things between me and her might flop anyway, but I don't want to waste my time entering into something that sounds like it's going to cause drama at some point. Any thoughts on being friends with exes? Or what you or your partner thought about it?
KatZee Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 My ex was with his ex girlfriend for 6 years. When we were together he told me, "she'll always be my friend, I'm not going to stop talking to her, I'm with you, I haven't loved her for a long time, we weren't right together." I went with it and believed him, after all 6 years is a long time to just act like you never had a past. Fast forward three years. He was sleeping with her behind my back and when he was busy "being her friend" he was actually just trying to figure out who to be with and was keeping her on the back burner, screwing her, and officially dating me. Can't say if this is this girl's case, but I wouldn't put up with this from anyone ever again.
Author JewelD Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 My ex was with his ex girlfriend for 6 years. When we were together he told me, "she'll always be my friend, I'm not going to stop talking to her, I'm with you, I haven't loved her for a long time, we weren't right together." I went with it and believed him, after all 6 years is a long time to just act like you never had a past. Fast forward three years. He was sleeping with her behind my back and when he was busy "being her friend" he was actually just trying to figure out who to be with and was keeping her on the back burner, screwing her, and officially dating me. Can't say if this is this girl's case, but I wouldn't put up with this from anyone ever again. That's exactly what I'm afraid of. I just can't imagine being with someone for so long and all of a sudden the romantic feelings are gone but you still want them in your life all the time. Maybe it's not active now, but something's gotta be there. If we get to a point of dating, I would want to tell her that one of my conditions would be that she stop talking to her ex, but idk if she would do it or if she would think I'm being bossy or insecure by asking her to cut their friendship off.
Blanco Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I'm torn on it. Generally speaking, I think it's a bad idea. There's a difference between being friendly with an ex and being actual friends. I don't have any exes who I wouldn't say, "Hello" to if I saw them in passing; maybe make a bit of small talk. But I'm only actual friends with one of them. Even with that one, it took many years post-breakup to get to a place where we could be genuine friends. She's also now living in another state, so I think that helps things with regards to preventing jealousy or suspicions from our current partners, if and when we have them. My last ex wanted to "be friends" even though she took up with a new boyfriend not long after we ended a pretty long and serious relationship. I wasn't comfortable with it, because I hadn't eradicated all of the romantic feelings for her. Even months later, when I was mostly OK with not being with her, I didn't feel comfortable "being friends," because I felt it would be in poor taste and disrespectful to her current boyfriend. She didn't really see it that way, and even interpreted my resistance to friendship as some sort of personal mistreatment of her. I recall thinking how her current boyfriend would've almost certainly felt on guard if he'd known she was so upset that an ex didn't want to be "friends." Even if there was nothing to it, the fact that she was so emotionally invested in the idea would've been a red flag. 1
tinkerbell16 Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 So I've been talking to this girl and we vibe really well and I really like her. However, I was on her fb and noticed she had a LOT of photos of her and her ex. They dated for 7 years, from high school until about 3 years ago. She claims they broke up bc they were better as friends and they never should have dated. She said I have nothing to worry about bc her ex lives in a different city and now has a new gf. But she also said her ex will always be a part of her life and that they talk once a month. We're still in the 'talking' phase, so I didn't push it, but I made it clear that I think it's weird as hell. I don't see myself being cool with my gf having a friendship with someone she knocked boots with for 7 years. and the "she'll always be a part of my life". Like wtf does that mean, is she coming to Christmas dinner every year or some ****? We're both looking for something long term and if it made it that far, her ex can't be a part of it. At all. Like her coming to the wedding if we got married, absolutely not. She seems like a trustworthy person, but it's the principal. Eventually, you meet your partner's friends and you guys become cool, but there's no way I could meet somebody she slept with that long and be cool with her. I know things between me and her might flop anyway, but I don't want to waste my time entering into something that sounds like it's going to cause drama at some point. Any thoughts on being friends with exes? Or what you or your partner thought about it? All of my exes who tried to be "friends" always proved they were actually still in love with me and wanted more than friends. One actually proposed to me during a reuniting as "friends" event. Its a bad idea.
JoeSmith357-1 Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 It's a red flag. Despite what some on here will say. It's a fine line between acting controlling and trying in tell her who she can and can't be friends with, and being smart and realizing there is more there than just friendship. Especially with women. They text, then chat, then talk, then skype with the guy. Before long it's an emotional affair, then she's banging this guy on her lunch break and while you are out of town for work. Been through this a couple times, in fact just got out of one JUST like that. Sucks, but this happens ALL too often. I think guys can cut the cord cleaner and more completely than women can after a relationship ends. Probably because men are more stubborn.
PegNosePete Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Any thoughts on being friends with exes? I have a mate who is best friends with his ex, he gets on great with her husband, he went to her wedding and looks after their kids sometimes. But it doesn't matter what him or I think. It's what YOU think that matters. Clearly this is a deal-breaker for you. It will always be in your mind and will cause a lot of tension and arguments if you have a relationship. So if I were you, I would pass.
Timshel Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 In my experience, I know if I wag my finger my exes would come. We do not keep in touch. The ex who was my first bf and lives in my town...when we bump into each other at social engagements or around town, we say hello and make chit chat then carry on. We have mutual friends so the last party we ran into each other, I spoke more to his wife than him. It is what honest people do. My ex husband who I have children with, is on good terms with and has accepted my SO because that is the way it is going to be. There is no texting or get together behind my bf's back. The implication is loyalty and everyone knows where they stand. It is an easy thing to do if no one is playing games or an attention seeking pit. If your gf does not have children with this man...remaining friendly is fine. As in, hello how are you in the supermarket or such.....not seeking each other out. We will be friends forever seems melodramatic. It is early days for you and maybe she will change her mind as your relationship progresses but I would be honest with her now and let her know that orbiters will not be welcome in your relationship.
Toodaloo Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I am friends with the vast majority of my exes and we did split up because we are better as friends... I can't even remember that they are exes unless I think hard about it. It just doesn't enter into my head to think of them as anything other than friends. Contact with them is sporadic. Sometimes I may not speak to any of them for a year or more and other times I may speak to them once a week depends on what is happening or going on. There might be a big birthday party we are organising or a reunion that we are sorting out... Then all quiet until the next time or we happen to be passing. I have heard of exes getting back together but I haven't actually seen it first hand. The norm for me is that we all just get along just fine and dandy. I would prefer that they be friendly and cordial than be at war with each other.
Timshel Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Agree with you Toodaloo. I think that my experience with exes are an anomaly. I only have 4 and one has passed, though he wasn't an ex. The ex I referred to called me years after our relationship (both in our thirties) and living a seaboard apart to ask my opinion about the woman he was dating. He said, she is a single mother and I am serious but should I be? I said, if you are not serious then you are cruel to keep her. If you are then follow your heart. I knew him best and he trusted that I would give him an objective answer without any jealousy or being self serving. A few months later I received a wedding invitation. They are happily married well over a decade now.
PogoStick Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Good luck dating in 10 years when everyone is divorced, has a past, shared custody of children and everything else. Gasp! Some people don't blow up their relationships when they don't work. They're mature and amicably agree to separate. Maybe people should be suspicious of those who have exes that hate them. Probably a good reason for that. Let's look at it from the reverse side. Why should she want to be with you, a person who is untrusting, jealous, and insecure of someone who's from a relationship 3 years ago? 3
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I am the open mind type of woman so I do believe in friendship with exs if it's managed with intelligence and respect for everyone involved. I would have no problem what so ever if my boyfriend invited an ex to our wedding. I actually was friend with my ex-husband new wife and we visited occasionally. I can assure you the last men I'd be having sex with are my exs. Once the love was gone the sexual desire was gone as well. I see them as cousins really. When couples start dating from their teenage years into their adulthood it's not uncommon they become friends after their relationship, they have grown into adulthood with each other in some ways and that creates a strong bond that has nothing to do with sex. In your case if you know you're not the open mind type of guy, if you don't think it's possible then don't touch it and move on otherwise you will never be able to trust her and no trust means no relationship.
Author JewelD Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 Good luck dating in 10 years when everyone is divorced, has a past, shared custody of children and everything else. Gasp! Some people don't blow up their relationships when they don't work. They're mature and amicably agree to separate. Maybe people should be suspicious of those who have exes that hate them. Probably a good reason for that. Let's look at it from the reverse side. Why should she want to be with you, a person who is untrusting, jealous, and insecure of someone who's from a relationship 3 years ago? Your sarcasm is so refreshing. There's always one on this site. Just can't resist it, can you? But first of all, we're not talking about 10 years from now, I'm talking about NOW. I would totally understand if a person had children with their ex or had to pay alimony or whatever, but that's obviously not the reality of this situation. They don't have kids, they don't have mutual friends, they were not married. I'm not insecure, jealous, or untrusting, but if you've moved on from a relationship and are looking for new ones, probably not a bad idea to remove romantic photos of your ex from social media. Why would someone pass on a relationship with someone they like so they can remain friends with an ex they speak to once a month and who is already in another relationship? Meanwhile 1
blackcat777 Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 (edited) If intense ex friendships are a dealbreaker for you, you two are likely mismatched. She will never change. When I was younger, I was friends with all my exes, and screw anyone who told me otherwise. I never ever flirted or hooked up with them - but who knows what they were thinking. It was still a poor boundary. I never hung out with them, and it was more of posting random things on social media once every few months. Then I deleted all my exes from Facebook after I had a revelation with my current boyfriend... I cut those exes loose out of RESPECT for him... and really, for myself, and even for the ex (how are you helping an ex to move on by constantly meddling in their life? what would an ex's new GF think?). This seems like a compatibility issue and will probably result in more trouble than it's worth. I would also question that much of an attachment to an ex... and I fail to see the point in maintaining petty contact with the exes (as I used to). It's disrespectful at best. It speaks of a difference in boundaries. Boundaries are a big deal in relationships. As an adult now, it's my opinion that it's most graceful to let go and move on... Edited June 29, 2016 by blackcat777 1
Rainah Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I don't stay in contact with exs but that might be because it has ended pretty badly to the point of having NC. My sister was with someone for about 10 years she and him have both moved on (he is now married and lives over seas) but they talk once in a blue moon on facebook and like each others pictures on facebook. Once you spent a long part of your life and if the relationship ended on good terms I guess it is ok to be friends with an ex especially if you have both moved on and only speak once in a while. My current partner still talks to an ex on facebook/whatsapp once in a blue moon also, she has moved on and just speak on friend terms. The only time I would worry is if they had plans to meet up with one another as I don't see a point of being that friendly with an ex. I honestly don't think you have anything to fret over, she was honest and said they both speak once a month.
4x4storm Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I think there's a huge difference between acquaintances and friend's that's not being discussed here. What's an acquaintance? Someone who you know from somewhere so if you see each other on the street you may stop and chat but you never go out of your way to contact them or do things together. What's a friend? Someone who you stay in contact with and enjoy talking to and doing activities with. I cry laughing when a girl say's she is just friends with a guy :lmao:. As a guy I can tell you the only reason I stay in contact with a woman is in hopes to get with her in the future simple as that. Sure your girlfriend may think it's just a friendship but I can guarantee you the other guy has other things on his mind 100%.
Timshel Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Let's look at it from the reverse side. Why should she want to be with you, a person who is untrusting, jealous, and insecure of someone who's from a relationship 3 years ago? Well Pogo, when you put it like that...it makes me think simples. Get out there and spread the relationship gospel so sites like this cease to exist....genius person you and all others who have the arrogance to pronounce other posters untrusting, jealous and insecure. So tired of these people who have their own issues behaving as though they are relationship gods and putting other people down. High School crap. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 i think if it bothers you it bothers you. My ex told me recently he had just met someone and he didn't want to met up, even as friends. Because it's recent, if he and I bumped into the street, it may be awkward, so trying to be friends wouldn't work out. But maybe in a few years time, and he is married and so am I and expecting a baby, and we met on the street, things would be fine. If it's recent it's weird, if it's like 10 years ago, not so much. When people say " big part of your life" I kinda think though sometimes, let that " big part" become a small part and let it die! the new partner should be the bigger part of your life not some old boyfriend or girlfriend. My two cents.
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