[Early dating stages] Taking Her Out vs. Cooking For Her

[clia]

Even suggesting it so early on could turn her off. Obviously there are a lot of different views on the appropriateness of it at this stage. But you can't go wrong with asking her to get together away from your house.

 

Part of the reason I also think it's too early is that your first date was just lunch. I feel like you should take her out for an evening, as opposed to jumping into a home date. Also you've already asked her for a home date for game night in a couple weeks. So it will essentially be two home dates in a row?

[PogoStick]

With all the conflicting advice, I suggest you ask her! Come up with a (high quality) 2nd date alternative and let her choose:

 

Would you like to go to the baseball game on Saturday, or come over and I'll grill some amazing salmon?

 

 

As a side note, I used to grill salmon or chicken for a vegetarian girlfriend, and she loved it every time! Also, our 2nd date was baking cookies at her house. It's actually a great way to connect with someone if they are comfortable with it. Don't show off and do it all yourself, make her involved. "Hey, can you crack 3 eggs for me and melt some butter." It's natural teamwork and inspires bonding.

[Teknoe]

Even suggesting it so early on could turn her off. Obviously there are a lot of different views on the appropriateness of it at this stage. But you can't go wrong with asking her to get together away from your house.

 

Part of the reason I also think it's too early is that your first date was just lunch. I feel like you should take her out for an evening, as opposed to jumping into a home date. Also you've already asked her for a home date for game night in a couple weeks. So it will essentially be two home dates in a row?

 

Thanks, this was very helpful. Didn't see it that way (2 straight home dates if you want to call a game night with my brother and sister in law a date). Maybe I'll stick to dinner at a restaurant, do the game night and offer her down the road a "cook together" dinner date for our fourth outing/date. I suppose that's the more natural progression and going nice and slow:

 

1. Introduction meeting and dinner with our parents involved

2. One on one lunch

3. One on one dinner

4. Game night with bro and sister in law

5. Cook together at home dinner and movie

 

Better most likely than #5 being #3. Also for the poster who said "let's face it you just want to bang her following the home date," let me say I absolutely have NO intentions of that. I am respectable of her and sex on date two is way too early. A big no no for me. However, regardless of my most earnest intentions, I definitely can now see how she might misconstrue a date at home for the second date. Good call.

 

Els, my parents own a second home. It's currently unoccupied and they are planning to move in soon as their retirement home. This house is actually where I first met her two weeks back. So she's actually been in that house before lol (and that's where we would cook) but I will save the cook together for the future UNLESS she's in favor of that idea. I suppose offering her a choice is not a bad idea -- that way she chooses what she wants to do.

[MissBee]

I said this in another thread asking about sending flowers to someone's workplace within a month of dating. Some things are romantic in theory, but if you haven't known the person long enough, a romantic idea can quickly turn into something awkward. Romance is always better and also more intimate and authentic the more you know someone (you will also know their personality and their likes and dislikes and comfort with particular things etc the longer you know them) whereas, in the beginning, it's much easier to assume or move too fast with "romantic" gestures that can just seem disingenuous.

 

I think dinner at home being special is romantic as you get closer, but on date 2 can come off the wrong way or push things in a sexual direction too quickly, even if you didn't intend it. Now, I have had one second date dinner at home. It was memorable. He made sushi. At the time, I had never known anyone, especially someone not Japanese, to make sushi at home, so I was very impressed. It led to sex and I admittedly felt bad afterwards. Had we not been already at his house it would have been unlikely to happen on date 2. We did still end up having a relationship, but I still wouldn't recommend date 2 to be a home dinner date.

 

Think about it: if you do end up spending more and more time together, you have PLENTY of time to make her dinner. In the beginning, be on mutual turf and do things outside both of your homes. And her being a family friend doesn't matter. You shouldn't have to try less because of that. Even if you were friends, dating is a new level entirely, and you want to treat it as such.

[Teknoe]

I said this in another thread asking about sending flowers to someone's workplace within a month of dating. Some things are romantic in theory, but if you haven't known the person long enough, a romantic idea can quickly turn into something awkward. Romance is always better and also more intimate and authentic the more you know someone (you will also know their personality and their likes and dislikes and comfort with particular things etc the longer you know them) whereas, in the beginning, it's much easier to assume or move too fast with "romantic" gestures that can just seem disingenuous.

 

I think dinner at home being special is romantic as you get closer, but on date 2 can come off the wrong way or push things in a sexual direction too quickly, even if you didn't intend it. Now, I have had one second date dinner at home. It was memorable. He made sushi. At the time, I had never known anyone, especially someone not Japanese, to make sushi at home, so I was very impressed. It led to sex and I admittedly felt bad afterwards. Had we not been already at his house it would have been unlikely to happen on date 2. We did still end up having a relationship, but I still wouldn't recommend date 2 to be a home dinner date.

 

Think about it: if you do end up spending more and more time together, you have PLENTY of time to make her dinner. In the beginning, be on mutual turf and do things outside both of your homes. And her being a family friend doesn't matter. You shouldn't have to try less because of that. Even if you were friends, dating is a new level entirely, and you want to treat it as such.

 

Thanks Miss Bee for your feedback. Funny how perspective works though, you mentioned "You shouldn't have to try less because [she's a family friend]." Quite the opposite actually, I'm a novice cook who is slowly learning the ropes -- to do this would actually push myself to try "harder" lol. But I totally hear you on the "mutual turf" thing and how some ideas are romantic on paper, but often times regardless of (masterful) execution is awkward in practice. Agreed that if it works out we will have plenty of time to make dinner in the future. I admit the cooking idea was to impress her (duh) and offer her something different from the typical restaurant date. Just wanted to do something to leave a positive (lasting) impression that will "win her over" so to speak. In recent dating times I have struggled to go from the second date to a budding relationship. I think my fears of that surfaced here so I'm trying to do "something different" from what I normally do (that whole saying of "if you always do what you always do, you'll always end up with the same results")

 

Definitely NO plans to have sex on the second date even if it happened at home but again I get what everyone is saying. And to protect my date/make her feel at ease and comfortable. I guess I should apply a little more faith in myself "being enough" and not rely on any gimmicks to "win her over."

 

Hey, we're all wrestling with our own varying forms of insecurities, no?

[King Me]

want to screen out paranoid snowflakes that are 'afraid of being date raped.' If she isn't comfortable enough to come to your place for dinner by date three, there is either something wrong with her, you, or both. If she declines, good. Drop her. You just saved yourself a lot of future grief.

Seriously, you think that a woman who feels self protective enough to decline going to a man's house on a second date is a "paranoid snowflake"?

 

I predict that you'll be changing that tune if you ever have any daughters.

 

OP: I agree with others here. Date 2 is not the time for this. If you live with your parents, it is probably never going to be the time until you move out.

 

Plan a picnic followed by a walk or a swim in the lake. She'll probably find that sweet and you still can show your cooking skills and creativity about the menu.

[Popsicle]

I went on a first date once where he cooked chicken cordon blue for me at his house. I thought it was really sweet and he had candles and everything. Nothing bad happened to me but I'm probably not the most cautious person. I think a lot of women would be too cautious to do that though.

[Dis]

I went on a first date once where he cooked chicken cordon blue for me at his house. I thought it was really sweet and he had candles and everything. Nothing bad happened to me but I'm probably not the most cautious person. I think a lot of women would be too cautious to do that though.

 

I'm not the most cautious person either. I wouldnt mind a guy cooking me dinner at his place on the second or third date. But thats just me. Theres something about being at home with someone in the early stages..I dont know why but it makes me feel more comfortable with them...which is strange because its not necessarily a safe place to put myself at all. I'm a cancer...we're all about our domestic bliss lol

[todreaminblue]

I'm not the most cautious person either. I wouldnt mind a guy cooking me dinner at his place on the second or third date. But thats just me. Theres something about being at home with someone in the early stages..I dont know why but it makes me feel more comfortable with them...which is strange because its not necessarily a safe place to put myself at all. I'm a cancer...we're all about our domestic bliss lol

 

 

maybe its all in the star signs im a cancer too......i normally know the guy pretty well anyway......before even dating....and if dont trust him...i wouldnt be dating him even in public.......deb

[Els]

Els, my parents own a second home. It's currently unoccupied and they are planning to move in soon as their retirement home. This house is actually where I first met her two weeks back. So she's actually been in that house before lol (and that's where we would cook) but I will save the cook together for the future UNLESS she's in favor of that idea. I suppose offering her a choice is not a bad idea -- that way she chooses what she wants to do.

 

Oh, okay, if your parents aren't going to be around for the entirety of the date then it's not a terrible idea I guess. Still better kept for later on though IMO, especially if you're a novice cook (how novice? can you make, like, a spaghetti dish without bottled sauce or something at least?). If you are very new to cooking you should at least practice cooking the desired menu beforehand, so having more time is good.

 

Thanks, this was very helpful. Didn't see it that way (2 straight home dates if you want to call a game night with my brother and sister in law a date). Maybe I'll stick to dinner at a restaurant, do the game night and offer her down the road a "cook together" dinner date for our fourth outing/date.

Yeah, this sounds like a better idea. Edited June 30, 2016 by Elswyth

[bu2002]

Haven't read the whole thread, but i wouldn't do any cooking date at your place until you two have had some sort of physical intimacy. It doesn't mean sex, but some sort of heavy kissing/cuddling where you've really broke down an initial physical wall.

[MissBee]

Thanks Miss Bee for your feedback. Funny how perspective works though, you mentioned "You shouldn't have to try less because [she's a family friend]." Quite the opposite actually, I'm a novice cook who is slowly learning the ropes -- to do this would actually push myself to try "harder" lol. But I totally hear you on the "mutual turf" thing and how some ideas are romantic on paper, but often times regardless of (masterful) execution is awkward in practice. Agreed that if it works out we will have plenty of time to make dinner in the future. I admit the cooking idea was to impress her (duh) and offer her something different from the typical restaurant date. Just wanted to do something to leave a positive (lasting) impression that will "win her over" so to speak. In recent dating times I have struggled to go from the second date to a budding relationship. I think my fears of that surfaced here so I'm trying to do "something different" from what I normally do (that whole saying of "if you always do what you always do, you'll always end up with the same results")

 

Definitely NO plans to have sex on the second date even if it happened at home but again I get what everyone is saying. And to protect my date/make her feel at ease and comfortable. I guess I should apply a little more faith in myself "being enough" and not rely on any gimmicks to "win her over."

 

Hey, we're all wrestling with our own varying forms of insecurities, no?

 

Don't rely on gimmicks.

 

I have only had one boyfriend cook for me on an early date, and had boyfriends who couldn't cook...that wasn't what made me like them.

 

If you're a novice it may also be a bad idea . Burning down the house or her having to suffer a mediocre meal or something you are taking 3 hours to make may not go over well . My ex who cooked was an expert cook. He enjoyed it. Had every gadget known to man. Had serious knife skills and watching him make the sushi was an aphrodisiac ....had he been a novice it wouldn't have been all that great, although the effort would have been cute. It was also cute because he just moved into his new home and didn't have his living room furniture yet (shows how seriously he took cooking because his kitchen was the first place stocked) so we spread a blanket and essentially had a picnic in the living room. But overall...work on mastering one dish so that on a home date you can whip it together with ease, but not on the second date.

[Popsicle]

I'm not the most cautious person either. I wouldnt mind a guy cooking me dinner at his place on the second or third date. But thats just me. Theres something about being at home with someone in the early stages..I dont know why but it makes me feel more comfortable with them...which is strange because its not necessarily a safe place to put myself at all. I'm a cancer...we're all about our domestic bliss lol

 

maybe its all in the star signs im a cancer too......i normally know the guy pretty well anyway......before even dating....and if dont trust him...i wouldnt be dating him even in public.......deb

 

I'm a cancer too.

[Dis]

I'm a cancer too.

 

maybe its all in the star signs im a cancer too......i normally know the guy pretty well anyway......before even dating....and if dont trust him...i wouldnt be dating him even in public.......deb

 

The world needs more cancers. We're awesome lol

[Els]

Plan a picnic followed by a walk or a swim in the lake. She'll probably find that sweet and you still can show your cooking skills and creativity about the menu.

 

This sounds like a great idea to me. Plus you can get a more active daytime date with that. Not sure where exactly you live, Teknoe, but it's summer in the States now, right? If there is a beach nearby, a picnic there is always fun. An additional benefit of picnics is that picnic food tends to be a lot simpler than dinner food, so a novice cook can't go too far wrong with it.

 

I'd still go with the basic restaurant date for the very next date, but this is a good one for the near future.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Elswyth

[Popsicle]

The world needs more cancers. We're awesome lol

 

Yes and happy birthday to you and deb! Mine was just last week.