Being Loved How You Want To Be Loved

[FoxDie]

Do you think it is selfish or something to feel that way?

Like, a person is doing things for you the way they show love, which is all good, but you also know how you want to be loved. Not totally disregarding what your partner is doing, but you also know how you want to feel.

 

It's like someone giving you a toy. But you want a red toy. But they keep giving you a blue one. And when you complain, they say: "But I'm giving you a toy at least! What's wrong with that?"

Well...that's cool and all but, no! I want the red one. What's so hard about giving me that one?

 

Is it a better way you could explain it to your partner? When I explained where I was coming from with my GF, she made it seem as if I completely written off all the special things she did--which wasn't my angle.

 

Just because you buy your partner gifts, doesn't mean they aren't appreciative, but maybe that's not an acute way to their heart. Maybe cooking them a nice dinner and talking about random subjects is.

[salparadise]

Ask for what you want and need, but be tactful. Be appreciative for what they do so that it doesn't sound like a complaint. You can keep it positive and spare their feelings. It's all in the way you communicate.

[Lorenza]

Probably the only reliable way to be loved the way you want to be loved is to find a person who's way to express love matches your needs. Otherwise it's just forcing pieces of a different puzzle to stick together...

[FoxDie]

Probably the only reliable way to be loved the way you want to be loved is to find a person who's way to express love matches your needs. Otherwise it's just forcing pieces of a different puzzle to stick together...

 

That's tough. Because sometimes you'll never know who that person is, but also, if the person you are with has the ability to work with you on that problem.

[Cablebandit]

This is why it is important to know your love language and that of your partners.

[Els]

Could you make it about how BOTH of you could express your affection better, instead of just her?

[Buddhist]

Do you think it is selfish or something to feel that way?

Like, a person is doing things for you the way they show love, which is all good, but you also know how you want to be loved. Not totally disregarding what your partner is doing, but you also know how you want to feel.

 

Love, is not demanding that you be made to feel how you want. You are in control of your feelings, not your partner. Love is given, it isn't expected, manipulated for, moulded into a set of actions that you'd prefer.

 

It's like someone giving you a toy. But you want a red toy. But they keep giving you a blue one. And when you complain, they say: "But I'm giving you a toy at least! What's wrong with that?"

Well...that's cool and all but, no! I want the red one. What's so hard about giving me that one?

 

Hopefully we are not in relationships to get stuff. We are in relationships to give. There doesn't appear to be a lot of giving in these statements. It brings to mind an image of an ungrateful child on xmas day who didn't get the exact thing he wanted and refuses what he did get. t think what you are describing is a transactional relationship. Where you give things in order to get. Many relationships are like this, but they aren't relationships worth having.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Buddhist

[FoxDie]

I asked her if what I do is the right thing for her. I'm not in the whole, tit-for-tat thing. But I figure to bring it up to her because I wasn't feeling right and I was curious. I wasn't feeling special. Maybe I am over thinking it. She reassured me things she does to me that makes me special, but what made me feel that way is the very things she would do for me, she would kinda complain about.

 

I've noticed many times she'd say things like I'm making her a: servant or sugar momma or I'm always expecting her to do things.

But that's not my angle. I don't want to be with a servant lol lol

In her past RS guys expected her to do many things. And to add, she lives with her sister and her sister has two kids and she's very jnuky. So my GF always has to clean up and do things for the kids. It has gone on for more than a year.

 

Last morning. She came to me saying that she has to figure out what's wrong with her. She's been treating me bad and knows it. Now it ain't like she treats me like dirt I mean that's exaggerating. But she made it seem that way. She doesn't know why she's done it, and in the beginning of our RS she wasn't like this.

 

So she suggested we take a break from each other. She wants to just to just focus on herself. What could I do? This looks like something I can't fix. All I cold do is comply and wish it the best.

 

Not trying to make her a villain either. Trust me. I just come on her for other inputs too. Not trying to make it like she's the She-Devil and I'm an angel lol

I've did wrong myself on some accounts

[Lobe]

There's a saying that whenever you think you are not GETTING enough from a relationships it is because you are not GIVING enough. Since she is obviously dealing with the demands of a couple of children and has already decided she's not interested in meeting yours too, for future reference instead of asking for what YOU want, try offering your partner more.

[pteromom]

Read The Five Love Languages.

 

I see that it is a little late to read it with this partner, but read it with your next one. It will help you understand each other better.

[FoxDie]

I might just end up calling it quits. I've never been in love before not once. She's the first. So I put 100 into this thing. I know for a fact i gave her more and went beyond. It seems like when I want some things done for me, I sense the reluctancy.

 

Those kids are her niece and nephew not her son and daughter. Which I understand everyone needs help. But many of our weekends were crushed by her sister and the kids because out of nowhere she has to babysit.

When I plan a date for us, I plan it for US. When she plans something it involves: her mom, sister, the kids, her cousin. Like, am I even a priority to you whatsoever? But you love me?

 

When she worked 3rd shift, I had helped her twice after midnight: I drove to her job to give her an iPhone charger, and another time to get her Subway. But, when I don't get up to get myself a drink of water after she OFFERED me a drink, she tells me that I am beginning to treat her like a servant.

 

How so? I don't require anything of you but to be my GF. Not a servant. So why say that? Anytime it's about doing stuff for me I'm expecting this and that of her. Like, dude...chiilll out.

 

For the past weeks we've had skirmishes. Many of them she started by either trying to throw shade at me or taking a joke I said too seriously.

 

She asked for a break because she felt like she's drifting away from God too much. Which I am a spiritual person myself so I understand. But I at least need to have a place in your heart just like you are in mine.

 

She even brought up the celibacy thing. I'm like...wow. So no sex. Not only that, but she said probably no foreplay either. Now, I'm a foot fetish fanatic. So I love footjobs. So she might not even do those. But in all time this haven't stopped her from: drinking, smoking weed, and other things. She said it'll be like we're in a friendship. Ummmm....I'm not your friend and I'm not gonna be your friend. I'm your main man.

 

So I'm looking like where is this all even coming from? Do I even exist in your plans in the future?

I think that she is thinking once we breakup that I'll be her friend but it will not happen. I'm going to remove her from my circle. It's for my protection. Especially since it's the first time I fell in love.

She's not a bad person I just think at this point of her life, she has to really focus on herself. Because it looks like she has no room for a guy in her life right now.

 

She still wants to keep the break going on. She said that she's been feeling distant. This is the 2nd time that happened.

The break goes on through the weekend as well. But, just last night she texts me saying I should come over for a bit (which is like an hour because she works in the AM). I declined. I almost accepted but I thought to myself; why would I come to see you for like an hour, but you said we are on a break. Why can't we hang on the weekend then?

 

Or just tell me the break is off? And I could tell she was upset I didn't come. But c'mon man! First you want a break but then want me around when it's more convenient to you. Which is at night or with family. -_-

 

I'm gonna talk to her face to face. We both vowed that if the time come to break up we'd never do it over the phone or on text. I think in this talk we should air everything out as man and woman.

[Els]

I've noticed many times she'd say things like I'm making her a: servant or sugar momma or I'm always expecting her to do things.

 

How did this even come up? Does she pay for everything or what?

 

That being said, I really think your R has just run its course.

[Gaeta]

I'm gonna talk to her face to face. We both vowed that if the time come to break up we'd never do it over the phone or on text. I think in this talk we should air everything out as man and woman.

 

I don't know how long you've been dating? but it's not worth it.

 

She is not happy in this relationship any longer and she is full of excuses. First it was her sister's kids, then it was you treating her like a servant, then it's her relationship with god. Be kind to yourself and end it. She is not feeling it anymore and you are not compatible on too many levels.

[joystickd]

No sex. Yeah it's time to move on

[Lady2163]

It does seem like she is trying to get out of the relationship without being the total bad guy. I'm not sure she is succeeding.

 

I haven't read the five languages of love, but I've heard it mentioned on here a lot.

 

What I know is that different people show love different ways. I do like to give gifts, kind of go all out at Christmas, birthday and special days. I also know that I try to anticipate needs.

 

I can't speak for all women, but I like those same things in return. If a man says he needs something...under $100, there's a pretty good chance I will make it appear. If I'm the one goes shopping for the widget or orders it from online and then delivers it to him, yeah I could be a bit put out if he says, "but I wanted the red one, not the blue one." I'll give him the receipt and let him go exchange it. It does sort of minimize my good deed, though.

 

I'm not much for fetching and serving in the house. If we are watching tv and I get up to let the dog out, I may ask if the man wants anything. But then I expect him to do the same.

 

It's a way to show the other person you are thinking about their wants, needs and comforts. You are thinking about them, not just yourself.

 

I was the youngest in my family. Invariably, the moment I stood up to do the mad dash to the bathroom, someone would say (not ask) "get me some ice tea. Get me some chips". I'd had enough one day and poof I was gone to my room well before puberty. I'd appear for supper and that was it. My dad could be in the basement, holler for me, I'd come down two flights of stairs and he'd want me to go back to the first floor, get him so tea/water, take it to him in the basement, so I could then go back to my room two flights up. I got to the point where I would just turn around and walk away after that first trip down. He's been dead 20 years and I don't regret that at all.

 

So, your girlfriend may have an incredibly low tolerance for serving, fetching and care taking because she is already a caretaker to people who aren't really her purview. As confusing as it sounds, when she asks you if you want a drink of water, say no. Or get up with her and get it yourself and give her a smooch.

[FoxDie]

I broke up with her. I kinda felt it coming somehow. I'm not as upset as I should be. But it'll come.

We've been together 7 months. It was a long 7 months with fun. But we ended up breaking up over email.

She wants to focus on herself and her spiritual side, while I be her friend. I'm not going to do that. This is the first woman I've fell in love with. Seems like I was the only one showing it. She assures me that she really loves me in the email. She values my company a lot and wants to be friends. She apologizes for any kind of way that she hurt me.

She also apologizes for the way she acted last night. When I went to visit her. Yet again, it was with her, her mom, and she was stuck babysitting.

Then she said that she was gonna come back to my place, but didn't at the last minute.

Claiming that she has to get up early, which is true, but she still could've came over and hung out. We didn't have no time to just us.

 

So then came the email suggesting that we should take the break to the next step and be friends. How the where the **** that come from?

If it's a break you need then I understand but, friends? Why?

I've told her before that I am not looking to be her friend but I guess it goes in one ear out the other. She said that she values my company, and really loves me, but just that she isn't ready for a relationship and she just wants to be single.

 

I can respect that, but still sounds sketchy. Because all I think that is going to happen, is that she's gonna straighten herself out, become infatuated with some other guy (because by this time she'll have no obligation to me) so I'll have to sit back and watch her frolic with this other guy. Then I'll sit and wonder why does he deserve the replenished version of her and I don't get that. I'll only get it on a "friend" level while he gets it on a more intimate level.

 

**** that. I blocked her number and once I am out of FB jail I'm ousting her from that too. It's for my protection.

Maybe sometime longer down the road we'll be friends but for now just no. I feel my love was totally discarded.

I've got many problems going on mentally, daily, spiritually, but you don't see me shutting her out. I think it was a bogus scapegoat. Or maybe it was legit. I wouldn't feel so discarded if I weren't putting in most effort to make one feel special. I guess I was blind for a while.

 

I guess she just doesn't know what she wants when it comes to dating. I tend to meet a lot of women like that. But who does these days?

Her sister, who is 25 with two kids; pretty, popular, outgoing, etc. she cannot hold on to a man to save her life. She does know how to make a man feel desired though or wanted. As I am writing this, maybe my ex-GF was right. Maybe she just doesn't fit well in RS.

 

To answer the sugar momma question. She doesn't pay for everything. What happened is that my alternator AND battery went dead. This was just at the wrong time. So when I got it fixed it put a dent in the finances I had at the time. We went on a few outings where she paid, but, I chipped in where I could with the money I had left over. The place we went to eat was pricey.

 

After she reviewed her budget that's when she started getting worrisome of it. After that I vowed to never allow her to pay for me again. Because she was subliminally criticizing of it. Majority of the time if I am not paying for both of us, usually we split it. But that actually never becomes a legit split. Because let's say if we are going to the movies and we're both "bumming" it.

I'll pay for the tickets and go half on the concessions. So that way, she still comes out with the least damage.

 

Just seems like I was leaping oceans for her but when it came to jumping a puddle for me I'm labeled a despot. -_-