Author vc87 Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 Why did you start this thread then.... if you knew all along you were not gonna follow any of our VERY WISE advice and stay with him? What were you hoping to accomplish by starting it? What a waste of our time and energy, that we could have been devoting to other posters who truly want help. Best of luck... Believe me, my eyes have been opened to a lot of the things that you all have been saying to me as far as my relationship with my boyfriend, and I truly do value the advice and time you guys of all spent with this..! When I started this thread I really did not know what the plan of action I was going to take.. I still don't know if I'm gonna end up staying with him. It's just been a constant back-and-forth for me.. my heart and head are telling me different things so I'm just completely confused at what to listen to.. My head is telling me to just ditch him but my heart just wants to give it a chance because I still have that tiny almost non existent speck of faith
MissBee Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 It's just hard because despite all of the drama and craziness he brings into my life , I do love him and care.. Like I can't turn my back on him without giving him the benefit even though that goes against my better judgment I truly never felt love like this before for someone.. I know it makes you stupid and blind to a lot of things.. Only reason I put up with it for so long Read up on codependency... That's what this is. It can be confused with love, but I assure you, most relationship experts, psychologists etc. will inform you that this relationship isn't about love, but codependency. Here's a start: Codependency Relationships - Codependent It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity. They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior. The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships. 2
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 It's just been a constant back-and-forth for me.. my heart and head are telling me different things so I'm just completely confused at what to listen to.. My head is telling me to just ditch him but my heart just wants to give it a chance because I still have that tiny almost non existent speck of faith Tell him you got a huge IRS bill and all of your extra money is gonna go to the government so no more cash advance. Then lets see how much faith he has in you. 1
Author vc87 Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 You said you put up with it because you don't think you can find anyone better. I think you've set the bar so low for yourself that you believe this the best you can do. He may have issues, but you have a unhealthy perception of what a loving and healthy relationship should look like. Read up on co-dependency. You're a huge enabler/fixer and unfortunately, this will always be a vicious cycle. The main reason why I said that I feel like I won't be able to find somebody better is because of the past dating history that I've had with guys.. My past dating record has left me with a pretty discouraged, this on top of that would just be overkill.. No guy I've ever been with has bee this crazy about me, or loved and cared about me either.. He really is so proud to call me his. I just think I would have a hard time finding someone who was even crazier about me than he is.. Don't people always say to be with someone who loves you more than you love them?
Zahara Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 The main reason why I said that I feel like I won't be able to find somebody better is because of the past dating history that I've had with guys.. My past dating record has left me with a pretty discouraged, this on top of that would just be overkill.. No guy I've ever been with has bee this crazy about me, or loved and cared about me either.. He really is so proud to call me his. I just think I would have a hard time finding someone who was even crazier about me than he is.. Don't people always say to be with someone who loves you more than you love them? As I mentioned in my previous post as well as what MissBee posted -- read up on co-dependency. Your self-esteem is in the toilet if you're choosing to settle for this just because you so desperately need to have a man in your life. Of course he's crazy about you. It's because you're an enabler and a supplier. Otherwise he wouldn't pout at times when you can't provide. You have a warped sense of what love is. 2
Author vc87 Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 Read up on codependency... That's what this is. It can be confused with love, but I assure you, most relationship experts, psychologists etc. will inform you that this relationship isn't about love, but codependency. Here's a start: I definitely will be reading up on this - seems like my situation completely.. Thank you for posting this! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 The main reason why I said that I feel like I won't be able to find somebody better is because of the past dating history that I've had with guys.. My past dating record has left me with a pretty discouraged, this on top of that would just be overkill.. No guy I've ever been with has bee this crazy about me, or loved and cared about me either.. He really is so proud to call me his. I just think I would have a hard time finding someone who was even crazier about me than he is.. Don't people always say to be with someone who loves you more than you love them? I think you need to pull back here and ask yourself how loving and caring he would be if you cut off his cash.
katiegrl Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 (edited) The main reason why I said that I feel like I won't be able to find somebody better is because of the past dating history that I've had with guys.. My past dating record has left me with a pretty discouraged, this on top of that would just be overkill.. No guy I've ever been with has bee this crazy about me, or loved and cared about me either.. He really is so proud to call me his. I just think I would have a hard time finding someone who was even crazier about me than he is.. Don't people always say to be with someone who loves you more than you love them? In your previous RLs with guys who never loved you or been this crazy about you, were you giving them money too? Driving them around at all hours of the night lest they sleep on the street? Bailing them out of whatever drama they happened to be experiencing that day? If not, then think about it.. Really think about it. Frankly I don't think this man loves you or is crazy about you at all. He has you totally duped.... the only thing he needs from you is MONEY!... to feed his drug addicition. And a shoulder to cry on and bail him out. THAT'S IT!! As many of us have been saying, he is using you. Saying and doing all he "right" things in order to keep you happy. Because if he doesn't, you might leave...then where is he gonna get his cash? And who's gonna be there bailing him out? We can see it but unfortunately you cannot. I hope someday, when you're ready to wake up and take off the rose-colored glasses, you WILL see it. Till then, again wish you the best. Edited June 29, 2016 by katiegrl 1
VeveCakes Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 I used to think the same thing then realized it was because I was choosing men out there like that. Lots of men out there who will be proud to be with you. Just have to not settle and demand the treatment you deserve. You will find him. This bum isn't him.
JS84 Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Like I said in a bunch of other replies, my boyfriend really is a great guy and he has a great heart and he loves and cares about me a lot.. We do you just get along great and have a natural chemistry.. always do enjoy each other's company.. Are you for real? You know you can find a guy with the same generic characteristics you just listed who actually has a decent paying job and can support himself right?? He always says that if you love someone you should stand by them in good times and bad, including the hardships, and part of me still wants to give him a chance because he does have a point.. But there also comes a point when you just feel like there's only so much drama and negative and bad you could take.. Are. You. For. Real?? He has no point. It sounds like he barely has a job or a home to live in. It would be one thing if he simply had a run of bad luck and was trying to recover. But being a deadbeat sounds like your boyfriend's default mode. This guy is a leech who is going to suck every last drop of blood from you and when he's wrung you out to dry he's going to latch onto some other naive woman, rinse and repeat. Break up with him and turn off the gravy train and see how long it takes him to get over you and leech off some other woman who would rather toss him cash because she's too afraid of being alone for a few months. Like someone else said, you might want to take a hard look in the mirror to figure out why you would even be in a relationship like that. I don't care if he gets drunk off your farts, you keep supporting him and he's going to do and say what he has to to get what he needs. Are you one of those people who are attracted to individuals you can "fix" or turn into a project or something?? And you can only blame your boyfriend so much, because it seems like he's shown you his true colors from the start. He's a 29 year old man, not a 13 year old boy. Although he might as well be. Guess who Mommy is?
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