BF is always broke/borrowing money - at my wits end :(

June 29, 2016

Over this past weekend when this happened I straight up asked him if he's doing drugs and he got angry and denied it. When he was younger he was big into partying and drinking and doing all that stuff but he stopped.. he used to be a big pothead also, but he stopped with that too. I'm completely against any type of drug use, and he knows that very well.. Would be a total deal breaker so he might not even tell me if he was because I would break up with him no questions asked.

I think he is doing drugs, it would explain the dramatics and the fighting with his family as well as the money. He's not going to admit it to you because it would mean losing you. Does he have other symptoms of drug abuse? Staying up all hours? Oversleeping? Does he hang out with other "former" druggies? You need to do some digging here I think.

June 29, 2016

He always says that if you love someone you should stand by them in good times and bad, including the hardships, and part of me still wants to give him a chance because he does have a point.. But there also comes a point when you just feel like there's only so much drama and negative and bad you could take..

Of course HE would say that....why wouldn't he? It's completely in his interest to say this and unfortunately, it doesn't even seem like you're using your own philosophy but HIS to justify putting up with this. He has found the perfect person to sucker. I don't mean to be rude at all, but every pot has its lid they say, and people consciously or unconsciously know they can only get away with certain things with certain people.

This doesn't mean what he says it does. Life has ups and downs and say in a long-term relationship or marriage, things come up that are out of your control. For example: being laid off, or one of you gets ill, or you have a special needs child ,or your home burns down....as a couple you stick it through and work on it together. That's what staying through hardship means.

It does NOT mean dating someone and realizing they are irresponsible, broke, or have other problems and you blindly ignore it and continue dating them and hope one day they finally change. That's not a "hardship." That's willfully putting yourself in a bad position because you feel like you can't do better.

June 29, 2016

He always says that if you love someone you should stand by them in good times and bad, including the hardships, and part of me still wants to give him a chance because he does have a point.. But there also comes a point when you just feel like there's only so much drama and negative and bad you could take..

I did that with a guy for more than 11 years.

I met him when I was 29 and was just out of an abusive relationship. My guy could barely make ends-meet, despite having written and sold some song to some pretty famous rock groups. My guy was a talented musician, but had performance anxiety.

So we started living together and before I knew it, I was working two- and three jobs to help him buy more equipment ("If I had *that* mixing board, I could make my own CD."). He did contribute to the household - once by working the graveyard shift in a porno store and then, later, as a night stock clerk at Target. He wasn't able/presentable enough to be on their floor during regular business hours.

Before I knew it, my 30s were gone and I had my 40th birthday, still in debt with a "really nice guy" who couldn't do much beyond being a night re-stocking clerk at Target. In short, I had a millstone around my neck.

I am now 52 years old and it took me until almost my 50s to find someone who *I* had to support. Even now, 12 years after breaking up with that "really nice guy," I know from mutual friends that he never did get his sh*t together.

I have a feeling your guy will be quite similar. He will continue to sponge off you for as long as you let him.

June 29, 2016

I think he has a porn addiction and that's where all his money goes. If his own dad throws him out on the street he can't expect you to put up with his brokeness.

June 29, 2016

I think he is doing drugs, it would explain the dramatics and the fighting with his family as well as the money. He's not going to admit it to you because it would mean losing you. Does he have other symptoms of drug abuse? Staying up all hours? Oversleeping? Does he hang out with other "former" druggies? You need to do some digging here I think.

When I let my mother read the messages he was sending me over this past weekend, the first thing she said to me was that it seems like he's on drugs.. And a couple of my other friends have said the same thing based on how he's always short on cash..

He has lost a noticeable amount of weight since we started dating but it also could be diet related because he hasn't been eating all that much or him not having any money for food.. My boyfriend has always had digestive stomach issues as well where he has trouble with his stomach but I always thought it was because of poor diet.. But there are times where I thought he may be abusing his dads prescriptions because I know they wreck havoc on your digestive system as well..

But I also have had plenty of suspicions that he was doing something shady with drugs before in the past..

Earlier this year we got into a pretty big fight because I noticed he would always get phone calls whenever he was on his way home from work and he would always make me hold on.. So one day I asked him like "who always calls you?" So he told me that it was his dad but I still had my suspicions..

I know I was completely wrong to do this, and I would never be the type to ever snoop on anybody, but I logged into his Verizon account just to look at his phone record and I saw it was some random number from Georgia always calling him when he was claiming it was his father .. So I straight up told him that I know he's been hiding some stuff for me and I want to know the truth.. So he came clean about a lot of things which he lied about to me about which I already knew..

I asked about the phone number and he's claiming that it's a contractor that he works with.. I had friends of mine call it and it was some younger sounding guy that didn't give the vibe of being a contractor who's 50..

I asked him if he was doing drugs and he always says no and that he would never do it.. Even though I have my doubts I still have no proof of it yet..

He has mentioned to me thag he's gotten sleep paralysis at night ever since he was a kid, and I looked it up and that could be a sign of drug use as well. It doesn't happen that often but it's still a sign.. he doesn't really have many nights where he's up all night and he can't sleep otherwise..

June 29, 2016

OP, out of curiosity, are you someone craves to be needed? Are you someone who feels chemistry/connection w someone by rescuing them? I just checked out your other threads and your relationship dynamic was something like this all along.

I even wonder if it was his neediness that is the source of your great chemistry, if that is what drew you into him at the beginning in the first place.

He is clearly doing drugs, and he is pulling you down with him. If you wrote your last post fishing for a concrete reason to break up w him, well there you go.

Anyway, you've been warned all along. You got yourself into this.

Edited June 29, 2016 by TooLegitToQuit

June 29, 2016

You're being used, OP.

If you want to see how into you he really is, don't give him any more money.

June 29, 2016

I am confused how someone could presumably work full-time, live with his dad, and still be 'broke all the time'? It just doesn't compute. Of course he has to help out with the household bills, but even if he pays ALL the power/phone/water bills it will cost less than renting his own place. I don't know what the minimum wage is where you guys live, but in most developed countries it is calculated so that a full-time working adult should be able to afford their own place and groceries/bills etc without constantly borrowing money.

Are you sure he's being honest about his expenditure? He doesn't have a drug habit or anything does he?

June 29, 2016

I wonder how he would react if suddenly you'd be the one needing to lean on him. Stop giving him money and you'll see how 'nice' he really is. My guess is once you cut the funds he won't have any usage of you anymore.

June 29, 2016

For the longest time before I started dating my boyfriend, I was so content and be on my own didn't bother me.. I deleted a lot of ****ty guys when I was younger and they kind of left me feeling that I would be OK just being a cat lady when I'm older lol.. But when I started dating my boyfriend now that all changed, and he showed me really how great love and a relationship could be.. In the beginning things really couldn't of been more perfect between us.. Whenever he had money issues and was broke, I was just felt like I wanted to help him..

Like I said in a bunch of other replies, my boyfriend really is a great guy and he has a great heart and he loves and cares about me a lot.. We do you just get along great and have a natural chemistry.. always do enjoy each other's company..

He always says that if you love someone you should stand by them in good times and bad, including the hardships, and part of me still wants to give him a chance because he does have a point.. But there also comes a point when you just feel like there's only so much drama and negative and bad you could take..

I really feel for you and see you are in quite the dilemma. You are a caring person, you see the good in your boyfriend, and so of course you want to help and support him and not spurn him just because he is going through a difficult phase in his life.

I really get that.

But here's the thing, and I see this on LS and IRL all the time: While it's true that when you love someone you stand by them no matter what, there are necessarily caveats. When you marry someone, you are a unit and have made an explicit commitment to stand by one another in whatever life has thrown and throws your way. Even then, each partner has to practice good boundaries and take responsibility for their own emotional well-being for the relationship to remain viable and healthy.

Prior to marriage, when you're dating, you can be supportive but you can't step in and fix someone else's problems in life. It's a fine line between dating and marriage but there IS a line.

I know how it feels to love someone and see them end up in a rough patch and want to help, but it's HELP you give, not ENABLING. Rough times can fall on us all, and no, you don't avoid people undergoing rough times, but when your "support" starts taking the shape of you fixing what someone isn't doing a thing to fix themselves, then you have gone too far and are doing neither yourself nor the other person any favors.

I agree with the other posters who point out that financial troubles are one thing, and understandable...but there are deep-seated family dynamics at play here, as well, and only your boyfriend can extricate himself from those dynamics. It's simply beyond your power to help with that.

It's so hard to see where the boundaries are and I, too, have erred on staying around to "help" when it would have been better for me as well as for the other person to have left. In your case, it's clear that you need to step out of this whole thing. There is one option left if you don't feel like you can leave, and that is to stop right now with giving him one more dime. Tell him this is what is happening, and stick by it. Then set an internal deadline, one you do not share with him, for him to at least take critical steps towards addressing his situation (examples: moving out of his dad's; getting an extra job; going to see a therapist; starting an exercise program; reading books about getting out of a situation like his or other self-help books). Basically, anything that shows he has a fire burning in him to better himself and his situation.

June 29, 2016

I wonder how he would react if suddenly you'd be the one needing to lean on him. Stop giving him money and you'll see how 'nice' he really is. My guess is once you cut the funds he won't have any usage of you anymore.

Over the past weekend when he was asking me if I could loan him money and I ignored his question for help, I could tell that he was getting angry that I wasn't offering because his tone of text completely changed.. Originally he told me he was planning on going by a family friends house, and that he would try calling me from their house, basically saying like if a random number called to answer it but after ignoring his money help question, he went from "I'll call to you later" to "don't be surprised if you don't hear from me" (he was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk to anyone supposedly)

There have been other times in the past where he was in a money pinch and he didn't even want to tell me because he knew I would get upset.. So this is in the keys every single time, but when he's really desperate I guess he has no choice but to ask me or hint around assuming I'll help.

June 29, 2016

Is this honestly something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? He's given you are great window into your future if you stay with him.

June 29, 2016

Over the past weekend when he was asking me if I could loan him money and I ignored his question for help, I could tell that he was getting angry that I wasn't offering because his tone of text completely changed.. Originally he told me he was planning on going by a family friends house, and that he would try calling me from their house, basically saying like if a random number called to answer it but after ignoring his money help question, he went from "I'll call to you later" to "don't be surprised if you don't hear from me" (he was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk to anyone supposedly)

Doesn't this tell you all you need to know about him?

June 29, 2016

Over the past weekend when he was asking me if I could loan him money and I ignored his question for help, I could tell that he was getting angry that I wasn't offering because his tone of text completely changed.. Originally he told me he was planning on going by a family friends house, and that he would try calling me from their house, basically saying like if a random number called to answer it but after ignoring his money help question, he went from "I'll call to you later" to "don't be surprised if you don't hear from me" (he was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk to anyone supposedly)

There have been other times in the past where he was in a money pinch and he didn't even want to tell me because he knew I would get upset.. So this is in the keys every single time, but when he's really desperate I guess he has no choice but to ask me or hint around assuming I'll help.

What you should have been doing is splitting up with him.

You have picked a looser here. There are many more men out there who are worth far more than this and would treat you far better.

This guy needs to learn and he sure isn't going to while you continually bail him out. He has a lot of growing up to do and that is the job of his parents not you.

Just get out before you end up filing for bankruptcy.

June 29, 2016

Is this honestly something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? He's given you are great window into your future if you stay with him.

Struggling financially in the future is not something that I want any part of..

Growing up a friend of my mothers was always the type to cry that she needed money and she would say these things so people felt bad for her and would give her money.. she was always living paycheck to paycheck and even at 60 years old, she never got ahead..

When I think of the future with my boyfriend, I automatically think of this lady and I always tell myself that I don't want to end up like her, and I just had a fear that unless my boyfriend really steps up and gets a better job that that's going to happen

June 29, 2016

Doesn't this tell you all you need to know about him?

He later apologized to me for acting like he did after I gave him the money.. He blamed it on him freaking out and he was unsure what to do and it scared him.

I told him that I do a lot more for him then he even realizes.. for him to say that people don't care to help him, hurt me and was pretty ridiculous.

June 29, 2016

Over the past weekend when he was asking me if I could loan him money and I ignored his question for help, I could tell that he was getting angry that I wasn't offering because his tone of text completely changed.. Originally he told me he was planning on going by a family friends house, and that he would try calling me from their house, basically saying like if a random number called to answer it but after ignoring his money help question, he went from "I'll call to you later" to "don't be surprised if you don't hear from me" (he was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk to anyone supposedly)

What does that tell you?

It tells me you'd say no to him a couple of times and he'd be gone

June 29, 2016

For starters vc87, you're a good person. The way you want to make things work and are trying to be as understanding and tolerable as possible is a refreshing quality to have in a world where so many people seem to only put themselves first. The problem is, you are too nice and it's working against you. There needs to be a line drawn somewhere and I believe this line has already been crossed. I believe as much as you do that people need to help each other out and they need to be there for one another, but in this situation the "helping out" seems very one-sided. He's getting a much better deal than you.

I know couples who have gone through hard financial times, some of them having reasons very similar to ones your BF is giving you. The difference is that these people usually keep their own heads above water and try to better their own situations. They will reluctantly accept help when they absolutely must but they are embarrassed about it and they hate that feeling. Over time they slowly pull themselves out of the hole they are in. It's not easy and it's a path littered with failures but there is a plan in place and they work hard to improve their situation.

Bottom line, you need to see real effort and there needs to be a serious plan in place with a realistic timeline and clear goals along the way. It doesn't seem like there is.

June 29, 2016

He later apologized to me for acting like he did after I gave him the money.. He blamed it on him freaking out and he was unsure what to do and it scared him.

I told him that I do a lot more for him then he even realizes.. for him to say that people don't care to help him, hurt me and was pretty ridiculous.

So he sulks and gets nasty until you cough up the cash...

Oh perleeeeese!

This guy has done NOTHING to better his situation. He has put NO EFFORT into sorting himself out, or in showing any form of caring towards you and on top of that is passive aggressive, bullying and pathetic unless you cough up cash.

Hire a gigolo. It will work out cheaper and at least then you will get your moneys worth!

June 29, 2016

When I think of the future with my boyfriend, I automatically think of this lady and I always tell myself that I don't want to end up like her, and I just had a fear that unless my boyfriend really steps up and gets a better job that that's going to happen

Well who knows seeing as not even you know for sure where the money is going but from what you have written so far (your bf having a fulltime job, living at home, his father seeming to get enough cash for the bills so your bf shouldn't have to cover up for him and so forth), I strongly doubt him not making enough money would be the issue here.

I've gotten by fine on the amount that a low end halftime job would cash in. I didn't need to ask people for money and then I was also living on my own with a fairly expensive rent in an expensive country without particularly high salaries. Know how to deal with money and it's surprising how one can make ends meet. What needs to be done here is figuring out why the guy is struggling in the first place. Making more money isn't gonna help if he's just blowing it on crap.

June 29, 2016

He later apologized to me for acting like he did after I gave him the money.. He blamed it on him freaking out and he was unsure what to do and it scared him.

Wait, wait....

So, he snapped at you when you ignored his request for money. And then you STILL GAVE HIM MONEY after that!?!?

C'mon, girl. I'm not against supporting partners in their time of need, but this guy is so obviously taking advantage of you.

June 29, 2016

I just want to thank everyone so much for all the input so far.. Definitely has opened my eyes to a lot of different things that I didn't think of before..

A little bit of an update to this whole situation.

Since this whole fiasco happened over the weekend me and my boyfriend have not been talking all that much because he knows how angry I was over this whole situation, so he said he'll just give me some space to calm down and figure out what I want to do as far as staying with him or not..

He texted me last night saying that he needed to talk to me.. Supposedly he quit his job.. I asked him why? And asked if something happened/if he had something lined up. He said he just got fed up with his boss.. He said that this is going to force him to get a better job immediately and make changes..

I always told him that like he needs to make changes if things will be different so he said that this is one step in the scheme of things to try to make them

June 29, 2016

Wait, wait....

So, he snapped at you when you ignored his request for money. And then you STILL GAVE HIM MONEY after that!?!?

C'mon, girl. I'm not against supporting partners in their time of need, but this guy is so obviously taking advantage of you.

I stood my ground the whole day not giving him anything.. But like I said previously, I had to pick him up because supposedly his father locked him out of his house and he was upset and walking around because he didn't know what to do.. I picked him up and we drove around for a little bit, and I ended up dropping him off ( i'm guessing he assumed I would bring money with me but I didn't)

When he got out of my car, I just felt so terrible for him because it really looked like he was going to cry and be didn't know what to do because he had no other options of where to go or who to ask.. (His dad wouldn't let them back in the house until he had the money)

Seeing him like that broke me to help

June 29, 2016

(His dad wouldn't let them back in the house until he had the money)

This sounds like an excuse right out of a druggy's mouth.

June 29, 2016

Ugh this is hard to read... My ex-mooch (I just can't call him ex-BF... he does not deserve that title) used EXACTLY the same tactic "If I don't get the money before xxx date, I'm going to jail" to sponge off thousands of me.... I handed him $1200 cash of one of his 'money or himself turning in' episodes.... I feel like a total idiot of doing it.... He'd sponfge it off his mommy if I didn't open my wallet, I was saving a parasite and offering to be a host.

Don't fall into his drama... He's playing the cords to pity him, so he can sponge off more sugar from you.

Oh believe me, most of the time he starts with these overly dramatic things I don't believe him at all unless he has actual proof.. (Like the police papers).. That's a huge problem in itself I'm sure.. There have been countless times where he claimed he was going to jail for unpaid tickets saying he needed money or would have to go.. I offered to help him of course, but at the time, he said he couldn't take my money.. I was if if means you going to jail why wouldn't you?

Somehow "he got the money" he needed from people he works with so they saved him from having to go.. Sometimes I really think he starts this stuff to get a reaction out of me

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BF is always broke/borrowing money - at my wits end :(

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