asdf54321 Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 About a month into a relationship with this girl, I wanted to send her flowers at work. I also wanted it to be a surprise, so I contacted one of her coworkers on facebook to make sure they got to the right building/office etc. I thought she loved them, but 10 months later (we're still together) we were talking and she said it made her uncomfortable that I just contacted someone she knew out of the blue like that. She's had some bad experiences with guys, some threatening to mess with her work I guess. I didn't know that at the time, but I can understand her being nervous about me doing this now that I know that. I guess I'm just wondering if I overstepped any boundaries here? I know my intentions were good, but should I have gone about it a different way? 1
ChocolateRain Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 10 month later ? and still together ? Dont worry what had happened in the past .... she just told you her true feelings ... 2
Toodaloo Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 If she is in a line of work that is sensitive to men approaching women then yes it was out of line. If her work is hum drum, run of the mill, every day work then no. Look at it this way. You got the girl doing what you thought was right so carry on! 1
angel.eyes Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I agree with her, and would have felt the same way. You didn't know her friends/co-workers, and you didn't know where she worked. Those were her boundaries at the time. If you have to hunt down people you don't personally know (i.e. strangers) online to find out some fact about her, you're overstepping normal boundaries. You meant well, but yes, it's problematic. I'm glad to hear you're giving the feedback she gave you some thought. We all unwittingly make mistakes. Good luck with your relationship! 3
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I see her point because you could have just looked up the address of the business on line or contacted reception. Contacting a coworker on FB (possibly someone you have never met before?) is stepping over boundaries. Her mentioning it wasn't really about you, but to bring up something painful from her past. Looks like she is comfortable enough with you to talk about it which is a positive thing....she trusts you and it sounds like this relationship is moving forward. 2
Gaeta Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I would not have liked a bf of ONE month to contact someone from my office. To me it would have been inappropriate because of the very short length of relationship. Also, I would not have liked to get flowers delivered so soon in a relationship. It happened to me a couple of times and didn't like it at all. I did not pursue with any of them. 1
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 If he was really good looking, confident rich guy....I would take those flowers all day long! lol Just kidding......or am I? 1
Larryville Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I would not have liked a bf of ONE month to contact someone from my office. To me it would have been inappropriate because of the very short length of relationship. 9.9 times out of 10 a dude doing this would be a MASSIVE red flag and seriously inappropriate. The kind of craziness mentioned in the other thread. Ok yes you are still together but in what universe does a dude even think to do this? On top of that jeopardized her employment. 1
Author asdf54321 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 9.9 times out of 10 a dude doing this would be a MASSIVE red flag and seriously inappropriate. The kind of craziness mentioned in the other thread. Ok yes you are still together but in what universe does a dude even think to do this? On top of that jeopardized her employment. I didn't jeopardize her employment.... the story is, she dumped this guy and he threatened to send dirt to all her coworkers. So she was a bit tetchy about it. 1
Gaeta Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I didn't jeopardize her employment.... the story is, she dumped this guy and he threatened to send dirt to all her coworkers. So she was a bit tetchy about it. Even without her bad experience with this ex, what you did was inappropriate and falls in the category of creepy. I wish I could read men's mind sometimes and understand why they think such a behavior is good idea. General rules are: * Wait to be introduced to co-workers/friends/family before contacting them * Do not send flowers to 1 month GF. 2
Larryville Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I didn't jeopardize her employment.... Ok cool and congrats… you did not jeopardize HER employment. However since this is a site where we all share experiences, opinions and learn from one another... any other dude who reads this who is even entertaining the thought of repeating this DON’T. Creepy is not even the correct word frankly. 3
DreamP Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I know most women have said this is creepy. I think the problem is that most romance movies do this type of stuff all the time. Many guys who are taking their ques from movies think they are being romantic. Also, it really depend on the relationship. If 1 month into the relationship you 2 have gotten really close where you have been introduced to friends/family, she doesn't have a problem introducing you to a coworker as your boyfriend, you already knew where she worked, etc, then it would be OK. You probably should have contacted reception instead of a coworker. If you were still just going on dates (no relationship) and seeing one of several other people, then it would have been weird. What if she had been dating somebody else from work as well. 1
MissBee Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) Yes, this is inappropriate. While I like romantic gestures, they obviously work out better from men you actually know very well, rather than dudes you are just dating, as a general rule. For example, my husband or longer term boyfriend (even say just a year) would likely know my friends, colleagues, family members and has been to my job before. In that case, if he wanted to surprise me, it would be very easy for him to ring up my sister or good friends (and he'd likely have their info if we'd been together for a while) or he'd know the address of my job or department because of sheer time together. No big deal. It wouldn't be crossing a boundary by him having to become a super sleuth or FB stalker of random people he thinks are connected to me. He would have genuine relationships with these people if we'd been together so all would be on the up and up if he needed to orchestrate a surprise. Dude I have known for 4 weeks does NOT have that access, and for good reason, we just met, we just started out and nothing is set in stone. If you haven't met my friends, family and don't even know where I work, I would not find it sweet or romantic if you randomly found my coworker on FB and then had flowers sent to my work, especially if you didn't even know me long enough , or the nature of where I work or anything to know if it's okay. A more established bf would know these things. It does cross boundaries and seems more like a gesture that a man has heard is nice and so feels he should do it without actually considering if it even makes sense in the context of his actual relationship. If you and this woman don't last, for the future in other relationships, don't do that. Edited June 28, 2016 by MissBee 1
Author asdf54321 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 Thanks for the insights everyone. 1
kendahke Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 About a month into a relationship with this girl, I wanted to send her flowers at work. I also wanted it to be a surprise, so I contacted one of her coworkers on facebook to make sure they got to the right building/office etc. I thought she loved them, but 10 months later (we're still together) we were talking and she said it made her uncomfortable that I just contacted someone she knew out of the blue like that. She's had some bad experiences with guys, some threatening to mess with her work I guess. I didn't know that at the time, but I can understand her being nervous about me doing this now that I know that. I guess I'm just wondering if I overstepped any boundaries here? I know my intentions were good, but should I have gone about it a different way? What's done is done. In the future, leave anyone who isn't involved in your relationship or that you don't already know personally out of your relationship business. She may not want that particular person to know her business. 3
Satu Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 In this particular instance, I would see it as a forgivable error of judgment, not to be repeated. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I didn't jeopardize her employment.... the story is, she dumped this guy and he threatened to send dirt to all her coworkers. So she was a bit tetchy about it. It may not even be jeopardizing employment at all but there are a lot of other factors that go into it that make it inappropriate (most likely). The only thing that I can really think that would make it "appropriate" is that if in the prior month of dating, you had met the contacted co-worker while out with your girlfriend. That would allow you to presume there was a level of "public" knowledge at least with that co-worker that would make it ok to use this avenue of contacting the co-worker. I still would honestly be a little put-off by it perhaps. I mean google is your friend--just look up the address. Even at the hugest of companies the mailroom will direct the flowers to the right place--no need to contact ANYONE she works with. Glad it's still working out though! 2
preraph Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I think you're right about why. My guess is if there comes a time she wants everyone at the office to know you're her bf, she will invite you to something related to work or at least show you where she works. It could be she's not just dating you alone.
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