My boyfriend is very distant. I'm very unsure of everything. Whats happening?

[eoscoco]

Hi,

me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and the last 6 months were pretty stressful for him. He's great, caring and sweet but sometimes very distant (when stressed out). He has a new job now and that only adds to the stress, he has to work very hard there. Last week he was pretty distant and depressed. Actually VERY distant and I was very stressed out as well because I somehow thought that he wanted to break up (because of his distant behaviour).

 

Four days ago we went to his parents house, we had a dinner there and he it seemed that he was in a good mood, we went for a walk before and he was sweet and caring, he gave me kisses and hugged me a lot and he told me that he's happy that I'm there with him. He also wanted to cuddle a lot that night when we went to sleep.

 

Today I texted him if I could come over and cook dinner for him (we don't live together btw) and he replied that he thinks I'm very kind, but he needs to be alone and he needs to rest and sleep and that today was an extremely hard day at work. I just wanted to make him happy and I wanted to take care of him. I texted him back that I'm there for him and that he can text me, call me or let me now if he needs anything. He just replied with "Thank you".

 

I love him so much and I want the best for him but I honestly don't really know how to help him. I probably should give him some space but I'm worried. Should I text him? Should I not text him? When should I call him? Does he even want to be with me? I don't even know. When's the right time to call or text again?

[Els]

Were there any problems during the 2 years you were together?

 

I personally think that as long as he's not being abusive and is putting in some effort, you should just let him be for the time being. A new job can be very stressful, so it warrants giving him space temporarily while he adjusts. If it helps, IMO the best way you can 'take care of him' is to allow him space when he requests it. He probably realizes that he'll fall asleep immediately after dinner or something, and feels bad about you coming over and cooking for him and then having to leave without any quality time.

[eoscoco]

Well.. we sometimes argue about some stupid small stuff but overall I can say that he's been very caring. He's always very upset when we argue and sometimes, when he's visibly stressed and sad, he's pushing me away when I ask him about it. He just says "I don't know" or "Don't ask me about it, I don't know why am I feeling this way."

It's confusing. But I know that he's a good person because he's done a lot of great things for me in the past. I just want him to know that I want to be there even if he's sad, depressed or stressed, because I'm here to help him.

His new job is crazy because he doesn't even get a vacation during the summer.

I just know that when I am sad and depressed, all I want to do is cuddle with him and cry on his shoulder and I just don't want to be alone and he wants the opposite.

[FoxDie]

That's because guys are actually the opposite. Most times when are emotions take a hit we try to deal with it ourselves. Time will heal it.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is to give them space. Not absolute space, but just mental space. Maybe he's evaluating his life right now. Starting a new stressful job, he's got a lot to process.

 

Just keep checking in on him. He knows you're there. You aren't going anywhere. And when he feels better he will reach out to you. I've done it myself. I didn't mean to shield my GF away but I just knew it was the best way to handle it at the time and it worked.

[Els]

I just know that when I am sad and depressed, all I want to do is cuddle with him and cry on his shoulder and I just don't want to be alone and he wants the opposite.

 

I think that's pretty normal. In general, men and women tend to deal with tough times in a different way - men want to 'go into their cave' and lick their wounds alone without having to consider anyone else for the time being, and women want support (of course this is a generalization, but I've found it to be pretty true for most of the guys I know).

 

The best way to deal with this is that you try to give HIS method precedence when he's the one having a hard time, and he tries to give your method precedence when you're having a hard time.

[gaius]

He's being a whiney baby douche, taking it out on you and the best thing you can do for him is respond by starting to pull back a bit. Don't reward him for his bad behavior by trying to do all the work.

 

If after that he wants to pull himself together and go back to being the man in the relationship then great. If not then leave him to pout by himself and find a guy who can make time for you. Even when he has a tough day at work.

[Alirocks]

Give him space and wait for him to come to you. If after a few months things are worse, or he is not coming back to you, or reaching out then you have yourself a problem. Men are different, they tend to internalize things. Give him the space but if you notice him not reaching out at all, speak to him and make a decision on what you think your best step it. it could be something much bigger going on.. cheating... having doubts about the relationship, you never know. Leaving you hanging for an extended period of time, especially after being together for two years, is not fair to you.

[eoscoco]

Well... ****.

Two days ago he texted me that he's sorry, but that he's been in work all day everyday for the past few days and that he's extremely exhausted. He also said that I'm very kind, but that he's just unsure of everything now.

Today I texted him. I told him I missed him and asked him if he needs anything and if I should come over to check on him, because I haven't seen him for a week and he (politely) said no.

I'm trying really hard but this is just terrible. I'm sad, I'm crying everyday and I'm losing weight like crazy. I have absolutely no apetite. I guess I just have to ignore it now and we'll see what's going to happen. I'm not going to text him anymore. But it's really hard.

[Els]

Well... ****.

Two days ago he texted me that he's sorry, but that he's been in work all day everyday for the past few days and that he's extremely exhausted. He also said that I'm very kind, but that he's just unsure of everything now.

Today I texted him. I told him I missed him and asked him if he needs anything and if I should come over to check on him, because I haven't seen him for a week and he (politely) said no.

I'm trying really hard but this is just terrible. I'm sad, I'm crying everyday and I'm losing weight like crazy. I have absolutely no apetite. I guess I just have to ignore it now and we'll see what's going to happen. I'm not going to text him anymore. But it's really hard.

 

Well that's an entirely different story altogether, so my advice changes. IMO if someone 'isn't sure they want to be your bf/gf', you should leave them and be with someone who IS sure they do.