Author vsah Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) I guess I want to still see the good in him and the person I loved. This person doing this is not him. I appreciate what you are saying and you're right. I don't know if what he's telling me is true, I just have to go with my instincts. Yes I do believe he's left out some detail. I know he text her on Saturday and she asked him how he was and he said mixed and he messaged her on Sunday but he said it wasn't like our messages. When we were texting last night though he said he hadn't spoken to her yesterday yet so I don't know if he did afterwards or not but he probably did. I admit that part of me just wants him to see sense, come back begging and fight for me. I do however know the chances of that happening are probably less than 5%. I've accepted that. Whilst I know there is a chance I could take him back right now before he does anything else he doesn't know that, he knows I'm devastated and been extremely poorly but I've also said that he'll never see me again and I think he's struggling with that. It sounds silly but I just want him to feel some of the pain I'm feeling and know that I meant something. It helps to know he broke and text me and is looking st our photos. I won't acknowledge it and he can go on thinking what I'm up to. I think he might be realising how much he is losing. It probably won't change anything but in some small way it's helping me. He had been single for a year before meeting me and has health screening so I know he was clear and takes it seriously. He was desperate to have sex with me but he respected me and waited and was so sweet with me. He's not a player, he's actually extremely introverted and shy would you believe, it's just that she's an ex. She was also in a relationship or maybe more after dumping him and has only been single for a year. Edited June 28, 2016 by vsah
stillafool Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 The only chance you have for his missing you is to go completely NC. Block him from reaching you! Then if he finds a way to reach you, admits he was wrong and begs you to take him back, then you will know he is willing to fight for you. As long as you stay in contact with him you are available to him. You said in an earlier post that he said no one could ever love him the way you do, right? You notice he didn't say no one could ever love you the way he does.
Densel Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 You already told him, you will not wait for him and yet you spoke to him last night?! Did he say he wants you back? If no.... then Why is it your business now if they are still talking or texting?! How is he gonna miss you when you are always texting him?
Author vsah Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 It was only last night we agreed not to message, we didn't text or speak on Sunday either. The only reason we text and spoke yesterday was because I was so ill and he was worried and I needed some answers to help me move on. I know how I still feel for him and he does too but he also knows I won't wait for him and that he's about to lose such a huge part of his life. I'm not contacting him, I've done nothing today at all, there's nothing online, he has no idea how I am or what I'm doing. I've realised I need to give him a chance to realise what he's losing. You're right, it's not my business, I guess I wanted to know how far along they were, for example if they were already a couple then I'd know completely where I stand and that he'd moved on from me. I'd also know he has absolutely no respect for me at all to jump straight in with her. I know it's pathetic, trust me I do but it's so confusing.
Lorenza Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I guess I want to still see the good in him and the person I loved. This person doing this is not him. Nope, this is exactly who he is. He finally showed the real him, be thankful because it would hurt even more if you had a child with this guy and he'd dump you for a younger, tighter chick that "his heart tells him to try out". You want to see the good in him cause your brain is still hooked up on him. I also wanted to see the good in one of my exes when he dumped me, but then 2 months passed by and I was like: "Oh wait, that scumbag used to tell me I'm a low life eastern european trash and need to grow to his level, screw his abusive a s s, he's not a good person". Time will pass and you'll realize there aren't so many reasons to think highly of a guy who left you for another while still manipulating you into waiting for him. I appreciate what you are saying and you're right. I don't know if what he's telling me is true, I just have to go with my instincts. Yes I do believe he's left out some detail. I'm sorry to say but you don't have enough experience with men to trust your instincts. Instincts = being experienced enough to see patterns and subtle signs. 2
Author vsah Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 You're right, I don't have experience but I've always been a good judge of character that's why I liked him. He doesn't go to clubs and out drinking all hours, he's quite a homebody like me. His family are wonderful and would be shocked to see this side of him, that's why I think he's so ashamed and can't speak to them.
PinkPampies Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I'm going to be blunt here. I'm in my 40s and have a lifetime experience with men, including a husband of 15 years who had multiple affairs throughout our marriage. I think you're too young to accurately judge someone's character. Even with years experience, no one ever truly knows their SO really. You say they're not having sex. I can guarantee they have. To think otherwise is just naive. And I can guarantee they've been talking or seeing each other for a while before he told you. Don't project. Meaning, understand that just because you love him unconditionally and would never cheat on him does not mean that he will reciprocate. When someone is truly happy and in love, they won't look for love from someone else. He wasn't happy with his relationship with you. Period. He may tel you he was, but clearly he wasn't. Occams Razor: the simplest explanation is often the truest. If you go true NC and give yourself a few months of clarity, you will begin to see him for what he is. No one deserves what you went through. You just cut your losses and go. Otherwise you will start a vicious cycle that will last for years. Take this as a learning experience. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 OP, I never thought my ex of 7.5 years was the type who could lie and cheat either. Until he did. We lived together, had planned to marry. He was a hard-working professional, never the type to go out and pick up and party. He too was too ashamed to tell his family. He'd been brought up well, was kind to everyone. But that all means absolutely nothing in relation to a person's capacity to deceive and be disloyal. Seemingly stable and "good" people cheat. I'm sure nearly any betrayed partner would tell you the same. We never imagined our partners could be capable of it. But here we are. I'm quite sure that even today my ex's family doesn't know the true story behind our split. Even I didn't know the full extent of his betrayal until after we'd broken up. Let me tell you that the man he became was not the man I thought I knew. I also wondered if mine was experiencing a "crisis", but no - he just wanted out of our relationship and didn't have the balls to end it before beginning a new one. I can't say definitively that your ex slept with her while you were still together. But I can virtually guarantee he has not told you the whole story. You have no idea what they have or haven't done, what he's told her about you and how long they've been secretly communicating. And of course he's not telling his family either, because that would make him look like a major douche canoe. Cheaters don't like looking like the bad guys they are. You would be very naive to assume that what he's telling you is all there is to know. The important thing here is that you protect yourself now. He was extremely careless with your heart and you now know what he is capable of. He doesn't deserve your time or attention at all. 3
oldshirt Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 Go back and read Lois Griffin's posts again and again and again until it clicks. I haven't read everyone else's posts but I am sure they are all saying pretty much the same thing. Stop arguing for him and stop defending him and open your eyes and see. 1
stillafool Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 You're right, it's not my business, I guess I wanted to know how far along they were, for example if they were already a couple then I'd know completely where I stand and that he'd moved on from me. I'd also know he has absolutely no respect for me at all to jump straight in with her. I know it's pathetic, trust me I do but it's so confusing. There's nothing confusing about it. He broke up with you for her. Why are you still talking to him. Remember what you wrote below. He said he couldn't be with me anymore not while he had feelings for her, his gut was telling him to try things with her. He'd seen her Monday night and rol her he had feelings for her and she was shocked. He then saw her Thursday night at her house again and she told him she liked him too and they kissed. Then he broke up with me the next night. Whether they are already a couple or not he has already broken up with you for her. What are you waiting for?
VeveCakes Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 He's not going to tell you if they are a couple, you're the back up. He's going to leave you breadcrumbs forever so you don't move on. I said the same with my ex; "No way he could be cheating" "No way he could see her, he spends all his time with me" "No way he would do that, he's too nice of a guy". Guess what, I was wrong on all three. Stop talking to his family. NC and start the process of moving on. This is affecting your work now... 1
Author vsah Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 Thank you for all the advice. I'm sticking to the no contact and my plan is to continue this. I'm going out to France with family as my aunt lives out there, I'm going to get back to being the happy person I usually am and focus on me. He will realise what he's missing but it will be too late. I know it would be hard to go back even if he changed his mind. He's done a lot of damage. I've always tried to see the best in people, that's just how I am and I just wish I could make sense of it all but I can't, I'm focusing on me now but if you asked me whether I've stopped caring about him the answer is no. He was such a huge part of my life and there are reminders everywhere, it's just really hard right now when it's so raw. 1
Bouli Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I never thought my ex would cheat either, it happens. Doesn't mean you dont trust the next one (though you will go through a 'I hate men phase'!) just give yourself time to heal and be truly ready. Doesn't matter why he did it, you'll drive yourself mad trying to figure it out. Staying in touch will prolong your agony, believe me I've been there. 1
stillafool Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 Thank you for all the advice. I'm sticking to the no contact and my plan is to continue this. I'm going out to France with family as my aunt lives out there, I'm going to get back to being the happy person I usually am and focus on me. He will realise what he's missing but it will be too late. I know it would be hard to go back even if he changed his mind. He's done a lot of damage. I've always tried to see the best in people, that's just how I am and I just wish I could make sense of it all but I can't, I'm focusing on me now but if you asked me whether I've stopped caring about him the answer is no. He was such a huge part of my life and there are reminders everywhere, it's just really hard right now when it's so raw. Good for you. It will be tough but you can do it. You don't just forget about someone overnight when you've spent 18 months with them. Especially the way he broke up so suddenly. You will be happy again.
Trinity7 Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I'm so sorry you're going through this xx. Same thing happened to me, but mine didn't have the guts to tell me he wanted to give things another go with his ex. Just picked a fight and said he needed some time to think. But I found out, and f***, his lying on top of being blindsided hurts so so bad. I also had trouble believing it as he had never been anything but amazing towards me. What I'm learning is that THEY ARENT WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE. It's not that they're necessarily acting out of character now all of a sudden, THIS IS WHO THEY ARE. Men who are capable of hurting us and stringing us along. Men who are impulsive and sometimes selfish. Maybe not monsters, but not stand-up guys. And I want the man I marry to be a stand-up guy whom I can love and respect forever. He would've liked to have kept me on the back burner in case she wouldn't take him back. He'll still try at some point, just like yours likely will if things don't work out with their exes. But I ended things as soon as I suspected what was going on, and though I struggle with that decision, I will be glad someday that my gut reaction was to stand up for myself and protect myself. The reality is we won't want to be someone's second choice once the painful emotions and desperation pass... We deserve to be someone's number one, always. True love doesn't need to go out there and see if someone else is a better match first. It sucks SO BAD.. I know where you are, it's AWFUL. But our love for ourselves has to be stronger than our love for them. And in our cases, putting ourselves first entails knowing that we deserve better. We deserve people who don't doubt or question our relationships, people who are capable of working through rough patches, not abandoning ship for an unknown. They risked it all to go back down a path that didn't work for them the first time, and in my opinion, they made the wrong choice and will eventually regret it. But we can't let ourselves do the exact same thing if they come back to us once they realize what they've lost. Believe me, I want my ex back like you couldn't believe, but that's my heart talking. My brain knows he doesn't deserve a second chance after all the damage he's done. Eventually my heart and brain will line up again. Yours will too x. Stay strong-- we deserve better!!! 2
Author vsah Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 (edited) Aw I'm so sorry you're going through something similar! It's just so heartbreaking, my family said its like someone has died, he saw my family a lot, most of the holiday plans for the summer were around his dates too. I've got an amazing family and they are supporting me. I told him I won't be second choice. He hated the thought of me with someone else so left him dwell on that and feel how I feel. I'm not usually like this but I want him to struggle as much as I have. He text me again last night before going to bed saying he hoped I got some rest and then a minute later sent a X. I know he's at least thinking about me or maybe he's trying to ease the guilt, I don't know but I haven't responded and I'm not going to. Let him wonder about me and realise what he's missing. He deserves to feel some of the pain I've felt. Edited June 29, 2016 by vsah
Trinity7 Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I don't blame you a bit for taking some pleasure out of knowing he's feeling some hurt and loss-- I hope mine is too. Like you, I'm not normally one to wish any pain on anybody, and it's probably a stage that will pass for us, but at the moment it would feel good to know they're feeling a fraction of what we are! I'm pretty sure they will at some point if they aren't already-- sounds like yours already is-- but it seems like dumpers usually go through it later while we go through it right away. They especially feel it when/if their new relationships fail and they realize that they lost it all. Tough morning over here, hope you're doing ok x
Densel Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 We wont know if your ex is feeling the pain now. One thing for sure, if you reply his text or calls... he will feel pleasure. So do yourself a favor and do NC on him. 1
Author vsah Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 (edited) He's text me again saying "I hope you're okay!! X" I don't know why he's now putting kisses on the end again. It's strange. He knows how much pain he's put me through and how ill I've been. He asked for space which I agreed was the right thing and since then I've made no contact and I've had 4 messages abs him liking a photo of me. It's just weird, like he can't work out what he wants or is trying to ease his conscience. I won't respond though, I'm going to stay strong and I hope it's driving him mad. I'm sorry you're having a tough day! I've managed to stop the crying phase right now, I saw so many reminders of us when I tried to go out yesterday and it was so upsetting but now that he's text me I feel strangely better. Not because I've got hope but I know I didn't meant nothing to him and that I've taken some of the power back. Everyone was right when they said not to respond. He might stop too and I'm prepared for that but at the moment he's still thinking of me and hopefully doubting himself or feeling the guilt eat away at him for all the destruction he's caused. He's just tried to call me on his way back. I ignored his but he didn't leave a voicemail, for all I know he just wants to arrange me getting my stuff back but at least I know I'm in his head. Edited June 29, 2016 by vsah
Trinity7 Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Ugh, I know, there are reminders everywhere.. Cars, songs, restaurants, etc.. Sucks I'm glad his text made you feel better, it would me too-- that and the satisfaction of not responding to them. Hoping I get one at some point so I can ignore it and drive mine crazy too! I figure I've already done the worst I can though, and that is remove myself completely from his life. Still working on removing him from my heart. They missed out! 1
Author vsah Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 By not responding though I feel like I have, I get to see he's thinking of me and in some kind of conflict/confusion/guilt and weirdly it's helping me because I now feel more in control. He said he'd made his choice which is fine and then he says he hates the idea of me with someone else, he can't have it both ways. Before he was calling all the shots and I feel I've now taken some of that control back. He doesn't know what I'm doing, how I am, what I'm feeling, nothing and he's broken his own silence pact less 24 hours in. I think he's very confused but he can't have it both ways and right now as far as I'm concerned I'm gone and he has to live with that and see how it feels.
VeveCakes Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 The point of blocking him is so you don't know if he is messaging you. Being notified he is only delays the process of healing and moving on.
Author vsah Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 Right now though those messages are helping me. Sure he's sending mixed signals all over the place but the way he ended it made me feel like nothing and that he didn't even care and now I feel more in control and get to see it wasn't just me that has struggled. He deserves to after what he's done. I usually hate seeing anyone hurt, and I still stupidly don't like the idea of him getting dumped by her again which I think will happen, but right now it feels good to know he's struggling a bit even though as far as I'm concerned he's made his decision and is highly likely to stick to it.
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