confusedandalone Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) Hello, I do not know where to start with my story, I just want to know what I can do in my situation. About 2.5 months ago, my ex broke it off with me. We were dating for 8 months, but we knew each other for a total of 2 years and talked before getting together. We were great friends. We connected so easily and everything seemed so perfect with this girl. When we decided to get together everything still continued to be perfect. We were each other's first (sex) and we shared a lot of other first together. We are both 21 (so yes we are young). We did everything together. We shared the same hobbies, interest, and ideas. Everything about us was so perfect. The month or maybe 2 months before the break up. We would get into fights and it would put a large emotional hit on her. It was hard for her to deal with the fights emotionally. After our fights we would talk and try to work through it. It seemed like the problems were resolved and we could move forward. But little did I know, she would keep all that emotional baggage from the break up and then use it against me in future fights and even to justify the break up. I did not beg or plead, I just asked her if we could just take a break for 2 weeks and see how we are afterwards. She said no. A week after she called me on FB and then the call closed after couple rings. (I thought it was bread crumbs so I just ignored it). Couple days after, i texted her asking if she was doing okay and that something happened that reminded me of her. No response. So after 2 weeks after the break up I sent her a letter saying I was sorry for everything and I accept the break up and thanked for her sharing her life with me and everything we did together. I did not get a response from the letter. 2 weeks after that, she texted me asking if it was okay that she come over and drop something off that was mine. I thought it would be a good opportunity to reconnect. Little did I know, her friend tagged along as well so the situation became a little more awkward, but I still smiled and thanked her dropping off my things. I told her it was nice seeing her and that I liked the way her hair looked (she got a new style). Jumping to 1.5 months after having our last convo, I decided to reconnect with her so I sent a text. ( I know people argue against it and told me to wait for her to text me). But honestly I am not even bitter about the break up because I knew the wrongs that I have done to contribute to it. I did just as much damage to the relationship as she did. I told her a brief message saying I was thinking about her and wanted to know how she was doing and I hope that her family is doing great. I ended the message saying maybe we can catch up sometime. She took 7 hrs to respond to that text (she was at work). Her: "I honestly don't know why you want to catch up when you were the one that didn't want to be friends" Me: "Well there were a lot of things I said and done that I regret in the past." Her: "I don't know how we can be friends" Me: "The same way we were able to be friends in the past" Her: "it was clear that we liked each other so no, it wouldn't be like the past" Me: "Well it is the present now so we would never know, no pressure just open to it" Me: I then went on saying I know i hurt her and I was sorry and I wanted to make it up and that friendship would be a good start to make things right. She didn't respond to the text afterwards. I waited 24 hrs from the text to ask her if she thought about what I said and if she was wanted to be friends. No response. The next day I sent a text with a pic of me going to a job interview that she happen to work at and made a little comment about how there were great people where she worked. (I applied long time ago, I didn't apply there because of her) She messaged me back saying "That is creepy" I told her that I was there on a business trip and I didn't apply there because of her. I also said if it really creeps you out then I wouldn't take the job. She responded "It doesn't matter to me if you take the job or not" I didn't want to feed any anger so I just said "oh okay" and stopped messaging her. That night I sent a text saying sorry if I came across as pushy or strong on reconnecting out of no where of not talking to her for awhile and that if she wasn't ready to open up then it's fine. I said I miss the fun times and laughs we had and hope to hear from her or see her sometime when she's comfortable. She responded with "It's fine. Doesn't seem like you moved on yet so maybe it's not the time." Me: I responded saying I didn't want anything or expected more than to rekindle a friendship that we had and to be on good terms, and if she doesn't think it's the right time then I won't disagree and I told her I will wait. It's been about 2 weeks now since we last talked and I decided to just not initiate convo with her anymore. I just want to know what I can do to make things right and to talk to her again. I do love her and I want her back, but I wanted to start off on a good slate and be friends first. I honestly have no expectations when I decided to reach out. I am not looking for a relationship anymore. If it happens then it happens. I just want to be on good terms and talk to her again, because she was my best friend. Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much for reading my story. Edited June 28, 2016 by confusedandalone 1
Giggles666 Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 //It's been about 2 weeks now since we last talked and I decided to just not initiate convo with her anymore. I just want to know what I can do to make things right and to talk to her again. I do love her and I want her back, but I wanted to start off on a good slate and be friends first. I honestly have no expectations when I decided to reach out. I am not looking for a relationship anymore. If it happens then it happens. I just want to be on good terms and talk to her again, because she was my best friend. Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much for reading my story.// The best thing you can do is no contact and stick with it, do not give in. You also have to move on, it's hard and from the sounds of it you are experiencing many issues for the first time. Often times when friends date the friendship will die along with a failed relationship. It's one very sad truth, but often times worth the risk IME if you know this ahead of time I weigh the possible outcomes. I dated a friend of almost 20 years recently, things were going great...then it was like a switched was turned off. It went cold. I also hoped one day we could be friendly again, sadly it's not going to happen. No idea what happened, I'm done analyzing it and it is what it is. We're not even friendly, and it kills me until I realize this is what happens...sometimes friendships run their course, and sometimes a romantic relationship will do it. Also keep in mind, often times you can not be friends...one person has feelings the other does not and it's not fair to either person. It's a dead end street, where do you go? It's hard to wrap your head around it, and it hurts and is confusing. Just go full no contact, give it time, heal and move on. Learn from it, approach it as an opportunity. Focus on yourself, forget the friendship, it's gone at least for now. You're young and have another relationship coming one day, take this time to prepare for it and don't waste time working backward. I wish you the best of luck, and know you will be ok and in time look back and be ok with all of this. How do you get her back, you most likely will not and I'm not into false hope. Non contact is also the only way to do that, but do not think of it as getting her back do as stated above....move on, time will heal you and hopefully you will move on. Best of luck, you'll be ok but no more contact. 1
54JA Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 Your ex is right. I don't think you are ready to be friends with her. Note: being ready to be friends has nothing to do with your willingness or desire. If anything, it has everything to do with your willingness to let go. (Think about how you are with your friends. You don't sweat about how long they take to return your text. You are perfectly happy letting them do what makes them happy, right?) 2
Author confusedandalone Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 Thank you for your guys insight. I will definitely continue no contact and move on. 1
tndawg Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 You have certainly been down the road with this young lady. Do you think some time might heal some of the raw emotions? What are some things you can work on for yourself?
BC1980 Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 You need to leave her alone. Maybe she will be open to a friendship in the future. She repeatedly made it clear that she would like to be left alone, and you repeatedly disregarded her wishes. She probably sees you as very disrespectful, and sending that picture outside of where she works is creepy. I would honestly be very creeped out if an ex did that to me. I don't think you meant it to be creepy, but it would definitely come across as creepy and weird. You might want to tell her all you did wrong and make it right, but she doesn't feel the same way. She obviously doesn't care to hear any apologies, ect. Honestly, you may not be able to repair this, at least not anytime soon. You've pretty much dug yourself into a "crazy ex" hole here. It's gonna take a heck of a lot of time and distance for her to see you as anything but her annoying and crazy ex. Again, I'm not judging you and saying you are a crazy ex, but what you have done probably comes across that way to her.
Pikesburgh Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 I'm no genius at girls, but I have been in 3 2 month relationships so I'm pretty good at seeing them fail. What I've noticed, and this may go for any length of relationship, is when it's over, if you throw layup questions to her, she will block that shot right back in your face. In my experience stating was better than asking. If I dunked it, it would either work or fail. Layups always got blocked. Asking her anything that could result in her feeling weird or annoyed seems to be as if you're unsure of yourself. I'm really just talking about myself so maybe this won't apply to you. But whenever I asked my ex something that she may not like, she shut that DOWN. If I stated my opinion on something instead of asking for hers, it may cause a big fight, but then again sometimes it spoke to her. At least for me, asking things made me seem unsure or unconfident. That may have to do with the way I was during the relationship. 1
Author confusedandalone Posted July 1, 2016 Author Posted July 1, 2016 @tndawg I am not sure. When she broke up with me it seemed pretty settle and there was no arguing or anything. I just sat there asking if she would reconsider her decision and she seemed very sure of her decision. I hope as time goes by that she would see the relationship in a positve light. I know I made mistakes, but it was nothing that couldn't be fixed. It was mainly communication problems. There was no cheating or any abuse. Just fights.
Author confusedandalone Posted July 1, 2016 Author Posted July 1, 2016 (edited) @BC1980 Yes you are right, that it may have seemed creepy and weird. But one of the problems that she broke up with me and told people was that I was not "supportive" I was having a hard time finding a job and she was so easily able to get one at the time, so she said it didn't seem like I was supporting her with her job. So I sent the picture and a text saying that I met great people here where you work. And I told her it was for a business trip. How can that be creepy? it is not like I am stalking her and trying to find her........I was there on my own agenda and I told her that. I am just trying to be the supportive man that I wasn't before the break up. But yes, I have not bothered her and I told her I was sorry if I came across pushy to reconnect out of no where. I have not initiated anything in 2 weeks now. So I am distancing myself very far away now. I initiated contact with her so that she knows that I was not bitter about the break up and she is free to contact me. Edited July 1, 2016 by confusedandalone
tndawg Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 So now what? What can you do right now for yourself? Do you have someone close to talk to?
Author confusedandalone Posted July 2, 2016 Author Posted July 2, 2016 @tndawg Yes, I have some close friends and family to talk to. They told me to just let her be and let her reach out instead. Seems as though she just needs time away. As for me, I was able to come to terms with myself and learn from my mistakes. I been working on myself physically as well by going to the gym. I learned to let go slowly, but does not mean i gave up on her. I will always love her no matter what even if we aren't together. I took the job that she works at as well.....because it is 10 minutes away from me and it is more convenient for me to commute there when school starts again. I relied too much of my happiness on her and now I am learning to find myself again. But thank you for your support. She told me before that when she reached out to her ex again, they were cold, bitter, distant to her for dumping them. But, for some reason I can't be mad at her. I love her for who she is. I was never able to stay mad at her for any reason haha. But I just hope the best for both of us and that we can be on good terms.
hakuna matata Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) @confusedandalone You may be in for a rough ride. You need to ask yourself if you're ready for any possible outcome that could come out after this break up. I'm happy to hear that you do not seem to be bitter or hold resentment to your ex but it may be best if you avoid contacting her and instead contact her on a month-to-month basis if you cannot resist. It seems to me that your ex needs some time and space away from any relationship with you as she needs to sort things out on her own. You are neither doing yourself or her any favours with contacting her even if your intentions are not ill. Spare yourself the heartache and improve on yourself so that you can have a better chance of achieving more positive outcomes in your life than waiting for her. Edited July 2, 2016 by hakuna matata
Author confusedandalone Posted July 2, 2016 Author Posted July 2, 2016 @hakuna matata Yes I know i will be in for a rough ride. I am preparing myself emotionally for it. I am prepared for any outcome. I even thought of the worst cases that can happen. I love her enough that if she doesnt want to be with me to make her happy, then its fine. I want to at least try. I will definately leave her alone now until she contacts me. I told her I will wait until its the right time, so now its up to her to know when its the right time. I will improve myself and look forward in life with a positive light. Thank you so much your insight! I really appreciate it.
hakuna matata Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 @confusedandalone You're most welcome. I actually just got out of a relationship too as a dumpee and boy am I still healing myself so I fully understand what you are going through. It has been just over two weeks since my ex left me and we were together for nearly 3.5 years. It still very much stings but it definitely helps take my mind off of my own situation when I can help others with the same predicament.
tndawg Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Just be real! Here is a site I have used in the past with regards to relationships. You may find something here that can give you some new insights. Dating and Things to Look For In the Opposite Sex
elaine567 Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 SHE DUMPED YOU. She thus calls the shots. She isn't interested in being friends as a step to getting back together, she doesn't want that. She just wants you to move on and stop bothering her. She made the decision to end it, I guess she didn't make it lightly, you have to accept and respect that decision.
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