Told a guy to go to hell- Now I feel guilty????

[moonchild94]

I need some help. I'll try to simplify the story as best as I can. (Lengthy)

 

3 months ago I was on a online dating website. Visited some profiles the next state over because I like driving to that state often. A guy's profile I visited messaged me introducing himself. I thought he was cute so I messaged back. He replied with his phone number and said if I want to chat more to text him because he's barley on the website.

 

I text him. He works in the cannabis industry and studies psychology. When texting he writes very long text messages. I was surprised. When I mean long, I mean very long ones. So we talk on and off the next two weeks. There was one time he didn't text for a week or so but I waited patiently. Next he proposes we face time. So we face time, he matches his picture and even more cuter. We talked for 2 hours getting to know each other. I ask him why hes on the website. He says he wanted to get to know girls more and get outside of his normal social circle. He says he's been talking to a few girls and then me. I said oh okay cool. He asks me why I chose him. I said I was just browsing peoples profiles is all. After facetiming, we text more throughout the week. He's attentive, makes sure he tells me he's busy and he will get back to me later, etc. He said he hates texting so he likes to talk in person rather than over a phone. I drove to his state with a friend a week later, hoping to meet him. I asked him if he was busy around evening time. He said no. So I invited him to hang out with my friend and I. He said he couldn't, so I said oh okay thats fine. We continue to text. I told him you sure like to text for someone who states they hate texting. He says he really likes talking to me. We facetime again... getting comfortable with each other. He tells me about his past. How he used to do a lot of drugs, go to raves, break into peoples homes, vandalism, got arrested and almost got felony charges. He showed me pictures of when he was arrested and sitting on the floor handcuffed as a teen. Hes smiling.. Im thinking is he proud of this? But I ignore and say wow I see. Im glad you are trying to change yourself. It's been 1 month and half so far now. We talked about meeting up. He says he can come out to me on his spring break. I proposed to go out to him because I like driving but I have to wait for a friend because I dont want to go alone for safety reasons. He says I should drive by myself because of some life journey or something. I said he was right so... I asked when can I come out. He said the following weekend hes not busy.

 

So he didn't text for 3 days before me heading out there. I thought he was blowing me off.. I got anxious so I canceled my hotel room and blocked him on my instagram. He's barley on there so I didn't think it matter. As soon as I blocked him that day, he messaged me asking if im still coming. I said okay sure. He told me he was making sure, he didnt know my boundaries. I asked him well are his intentions good? He wrote " lol. haha. I cant say only show you when you come." I said alright. He talked about how he likes hanging out in hotels, reminds him of when he was a kid. (he likes smoking in them he states... I thought differently) Got the hotel again. That night he wanted to facetime to plan, but I fell asleep.

 

Fast forward, I drive out. It's night time. He meets me at my hotel. He is what he says, we go out to eat. He pays. I see he has cheetah mats in his car. I ask him why the cheetah? He says it was his exes but from a long time ago. We go back to hotel. I sit on the bed... he stares at me. I ask him what? he says nothing. He's on his computer so I go sit by him. He asks me to hand him his bag. I hand him his bag and he runs his hand over mine. We lock eyes but then we both look away. After he looks out the window. I ask him what is he looking at. He says I was looking at you for a second but now im looking outside. (its by his old home city). He refers to himself as a street kid. He starts drinking beer and getting high. Then he says he wants to drive me to a place. I said can you drive while influenced? He says he does it all the time. I told him Ill drive so theres no accident or mistakes. So he tells me to drive to this pitch black neighborhood but you can see the whole ocean and view of the city. It was beautiful but I was scared out of my mind. He had a black hoodie on and we were on a cliff.. like the edge of one. I was making sure he wasn't trying to kill me.

 

Next day he drives me all around the city. We eat at another place.. he seems grouchy because he was hungry. I ignored it. He takes me to his house next. On the way to his house we get stopped by the police. They ask whose car this is. He says it's his grandpas. They leave. We proceed to his home. I meet his dog.. its adorable. I spot a cheetah couch in his home. I said hmm in my mind. Remembering back when I was facetiming him I also saw cheetah blanket on his bed too. Im putting two and two together. Then he shows me his cannabis plants in his garage and his projects hes working on. He said he has a card so it's not illegal. Then he tells me he plans to expand and grow more plants. I said oh... okay. great. Then he had a piece of skull in his ash tray in which he said he does not smoke cigs but here he is smoking cigs. So Im freaking out a bit but Im trying to keep calm. My mind is blank. I can't function. He asks what to do next. If I wanted to go to this museum place. I said idk. Like my mind is blank. Idk if it was trying to block some things I was seeing or what. So we literally sit for a few hours listening to music. I say lets go eat. He said he can cook me food or we can go out. I chose for him to cook. He cooks food. Food was bland but I ate it. He wanted to watch a movie next. I said I had to drive back home. He kept saying he's going to come to my city and see me. This is the 3rd time in the day he said it. Then he asks to see my tattoos, I said no I already showed you but I ended up showing him one of them. He said okay, well Im glad you came out to hang out with me. I said of course feels great and stumbled hard. So he drops me off. I hugged him good bye and went my merry way.

 

40 minutes later, he texts me saying thanks for coming and that he really likes me/wants to get to know me better. That he can't wait to see me in my city soon. I don't believe him to be honest. I replied when I got home thanks for the hospitality and i would like to get to know him too. That I really liked his dog, I wanted to take him home with me. He didn't reply. Next morning he says, hope you got home safe. I asked him did he get my other message. He said yeah, just now his phone was acting weird. I said alright cool. He didnt text the whole day until night time. Says he's exhausted and he will text me tomorrow. He texts next day saying he's going to be busy the next two days. I said ok text me when you're not busy. 4 days pass. I text him and he replies fast saying hes working and asked how I was. I replied and then he stopped. He didnt text for a whole day after. So I felt hurt and pissed. Texted him he didn't have to leave me hanging or tell me he liked me. Called him a kid and left it. He texted back fast and said he read my message and will get back to me tomorrow. He replied next morning and got really angry and said I was assuming. He said he was going to be busy. I apologized for assuming and said I felt like I was being strung along.. didn't hear for 5 days or so. He got super angry and defensive and said he didn't want to deal with someone he hardly knew and emotional. (hardly knew? I felt sad because I invested some time into him) I said sorry I wont bother anymore then. He ignored me for 2 weeks and then came back. He said he hopes I learned why he gave space and that I need to work on myself. During those 2 weeks he redid his online dating profile.. I kept tabs on him. I asked him what does he want from me? to be friends or get to know me? I dont want to waste my time and I dont think he really wants to get to know me. I told him I liked him and found him attractive as well. He didn't reply all day. I already knew the answer so I told him just please delete my number I already know the answer. He replies back saying im irrational and unhealthy because I can't wait until he replies in a certain amount of time. I told him im not and that I was just really sitting and thinking about everything and I already know the answe. Then I told him im sorry that he's bored but this isnt what im looking for when dating someone. I poured out my feelings to him and he cant reciprocate them back. Then I brought up how he was online for the dating website. He says he told me he was trying to date other girls as well. ( but he said he liked me? That didnt add up) I told him just forget it. Im standing by what I believed. He's stringing me along. He told me im unhealthy again and that my perceptions are wrong, etc. Just attacking me. We argued like 3 page texts. He says he cares. Asked him can we talk over the phone then rather than texting since it seems to be miscommunication. He says yeah but not when you're acting like this. I said okay great just let me know when you're ready.

My friends there the whole time and she says im a side chick.

Next morning he texts me exactly this" ahh. can't talk on the phone. feeling sick. I dont think I can make it to the firework show tomorrow either. We can facetime in a couple of days if thats kool with you"

I had no idea what firework show he was talking about. I replied with are you kidding? you must have meant to send that to someone else.

He replies nope just trying to be cool with you again.

I was livid.. and pissed. I told him he can go to hell and he belongs in jail. Thanks for showing me his home so I can report him. He says the same things again.. im irrational and unhealthy. That he was glad he didn't get to know me. Im crying and we argue again with long messages. He said he didn't want to hurt my feelings and to not contact him anymore. I lashed back and said he reached out to me and he already hurt my feelings. He says he understands how he can be put as the bad guy and understands life. He says he cares and then said goodbye. I told him goodbye and to not lie to a girl. Despite his lifestyle and not being my type I really liked him because we bonded over having similar situations. Family troubles and etc. I told him some secrets of mine and I felt like we shared something but that wasn't the case I guess.

 

2 weeks pass- I feel guilty for telling him to go to hell. I emailed him saying im sorry. I dont intend to pursue this anymore but Im so sorry for telling him nasty things. Of course he never replied. Im sure he can't forgive me but to this very day I feel guilty. I even looked to see if he was online for dating website. He was and even put new pictures up with his family. I was shocked and cried even more. I was irrational and impatient and learned.. but he never apologized for anything. Now I dont know how to cope. It's still eating me inside. Yes, I know some of this was my fault but I honestly felt he was stringing me along and something was not right at all. I was anxious and had a deep gut feeling. The fact I drove out to someone and spent my money when I had just quit my job. I was out of my right mind and stupid. I lied to everyone saying I was going to this state with another friend but I was by myself. I didn't tell my friends I was going out there to see him and when I told them what happened they were astonished and said he was psycho and he didn't care at all and I was not the only girl. They thought he was a serial killer and the way he dressed he looked sloppy. But to me despite all of those things I didnt see that in him. I saw a guy with issues trying to get out of them but I dont think he can or tries because he's still doing what he was doing in the past. Still some feelings there I guess? So why do I feel horrible still? Im always in one sided relationships. The guy before him I was talking to lead me on for 3 years. So now Im scarred from these 2 guys. I can't get past first dates with guys without being scared of being hurt. Im 22 and never had a bf and times ticking. I need to get some experience. I dont know what to do.

[Zahara]

The many, many red flags that were popping up and flying so high -- yet you shut your eyes and blindly proceeded. And over some guy you face timed and took the risk of meeting, making all the effort to make a connection with him -- not knowing if he was a psycho, a rapist, a murderer? What were you thinking?

 

Instead of focusing on feeling bad about telling someone to go to hell, who was probably talking and seeing other women and was likely just going to use you for sex -- you need figure out why you lack healthy boundaries?

 

Trust me, he doesn't care about what you said to him. He's moved on to his next opportunities.

 

22 and time is ticking -- is that why you are willing to meet just about anyone to have someone?

[moonchild94]

Yeah -- Everyone around me already had a significant other that changed their life. I barley go out as much and I dont meet a lot of people so I resulted to the online dating. I'm trying so hard to leave my town and get some new scenery but it's hard. So I was trying to escape. So I met this guy. He was really handsome and seemed like he was trying to be different and change himself but that wasn't the case. He made me felt like I was crazy and I felt emotionally abused. He was kind and didn't try anything so that's why I thought he was serious. He didnt try to have sex with me so I thought maybe he was being serious about me. Idk. I wasn't in my right mind. I have so many things that were piled on me. I had quit my job, I wasn't working, wasn't in school, and I was lonely. Those are the worst to have when going out to date. But I guess being rejected by him made it even worse because he was a dealer and had nothing and I still wasn't worth anything.

[Zahara]

Yeah -- Everyone around me already had a significant other that changed their life. I barley go out as much and I dont meet a lot of people so I resulted to the online dating. I'm trying so hard to leave my town and get some new scenery but it's hard. So I was trying to escape. So I met this guy. He was really handsome and seemed like he was trying to be different and change himself but that wasn't the case. He made me felt like I was crazy and I felt emotionally abused. He was kind and didn't try anything so that's why I thought he was serious. He didnt try to have sex with me so I thought maybe he was being serious about me. Idk. I wasn't in my right mind. I have so many things that were piled on me. I had quit my job, I wasn't working, wasn't in school, and I was lonely. Those are the worst to have when going out to date. But I guess being rejected by him made it even worse because he was a dealer and had nothing and I still wasn't worth anything.

 

Don't compare your journey to others. A significant other isn't the end all be all. You don't look to another person to change your life. YOU are responsible for that. You want to change your life - focus 100% on finding a job, focus on getting back into school. Prioritize your life by setting goals in your life.

 

You're 22 and life is only starting for you. If at 22 you're already setting your path by allowing these crappy men to tear you down, I can guarantee you that you're setting yourself up for more failure. Now I can see why you drove all the way to him -- you'll do anything to get a man to like you? If you don't have boundaries and standards, you'll have men walk all over you. And they can smell desperation a mile away.

 

Get off the dating site. You should not be dating if you have the mindset of feeling worthless. If anything, you'll keep making more bad choices. Focus on getting a job. Get yourself back into school.

 

If you're lonely, join a few meetups and start surrounding yourself with positive people and activity. Go and volunteer. Take a recreational class. A man isn't a remedy for loneliness. The only person that can fill that void in your life is you.

[moonchild94]

Yeah -- Everyone around me already had a significant other that changed their life. I barley go out as much and I dont meet a lot of people so I resulted to the online dating. I'm trying so hard to leave my town and get some new scenery but it's hard. So I was trying to escape. So I met this guy. He was really handsome and seemed like he was trying to be different and change himself but that wasn't the case. He made me felt like I was crazy and I felt emotionally abused. He was kind and didn't try anything so that's why I thought he was serious. He didnt try to have sex with me so I thought maybe he was being serious about me. Idk. I wasn't in my right mind. I have so many things that were piled on me. I had quit my job, I wasn't working, wasn't in school, and I was lonely. Those are the worst to have when going out to date. But I guess being rejected by him made it even worse because he was a dealer and had nothing and I still wasn't worth anything.

That's the thing. I've done that. After that whole fiasco I sat on my butt and realized I need to do something. So I got back into school and Im currently in it as well. I went to various concerts.. about 3 in one month. Hung out with some friends. Started going back to the gym. Trying out new places. Job wise, I haven't found one yet but im actively searching. But in the end I still think about that whole situation. Why do I still feel bad? Is it because of my self esteem? Is it because I had intense feelings for him? That whole situation with him made me think at that time I was in a dark place. I didn't even care if he was a killer. I guess dark thoughts attract guys like him.

I even went casual fun dating after that but I still think about that guy and I feel bad. For some reason whenever I share my emotional side to a guy I feel super attached to them. Idk why. I am completely off dating websites now. I'd rather meet them in person because I feel like they lie all the time online. I just want to get to know someone genuinely. But for some reason it's not working for me. I dont want each guy to be set up for failure either. For some reason each one I do meet is so I dont want to go down that road. Im trying to make sure I set boundaries now and if I do see a red flag im not even going to attempt to get to know the guy. Everyone tells me to be patient.. be patient. But it sucks being the last person to experience love. I want to know how it works or feels.

[pteromom]

He was really handsome and seemed like he was trying to be different and change himself but that wasn't the case.

 

RED FLAG! Don't find someone who needs to change. If you don't like and respect who someone is RIGHT NOW, do not pursue a relationship with you. If they like you, they can call you later AFTER their metamorphosis to a fully functioning human being is complete.

 

He made me felt like I was crazy and I felt emotionally abused.

 

RED FLAG! Do not pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't make you feel respected and understood.

 

He was kind and didn't try anything so that's why I thought he was serious.

 

For future reference:

 

People do things for all kinds of reasons. It is dangerous to assume what someone's actions must mean, or that they think like you do.

 

But I guess being rejected by him made it even worse because he was a dealer and had nothing and I still wasn't worth anything.

 

He wasn't capable of an adult relationship, so there was no ending to this BUT rejection. This has nothing to do with your worth.

 

But you seriously need to have a better screening process, or you are going to end up in a situation where you have some loser baby daddy terrorizing your life.

 

Handsome is great, but being handsome doesn't make someone a good person.

 

You need to make yourself a list of what you want in a partner. Not just about looks and stuff, but about how he treats you and what kind of person he is.

 

Then when you are talking to a guy, if his behavior isn't in line with your list, NEXT him immediately. Don't just keep opening yourself up to being hurt. Move on.

 

Gotta use your heart AND your head.

 

And - I see nothing wrong with telling this guy to go to hell. Appropriate response.

[pteromom]

Everyone tells me to be patient.. be patient. But it sucks being the last person to experience love. I want to know how it works or feels.

 

 

Would you rather fall in "love" with someone who is completely wrong for you, who will hurt you? Or would you rather wait and find someone with a good heart who can make you happy?

 

I guarantee that all the "love" you see around you now will not last.

[Buddhist]

Any chance you can condense this novel down to a paragraph or two? We don't need a blow by blow account to get the idea.

[stillafool]

Yeah -- Everyone around me already had a significant other that changed their life. I barley go out as much and I dont meet a lot of people so I resulted to the online dating. I'm trying so hard to leave my town and get some new scenery but it's hard. So I was trying to escape. So I met this guy. He was really handsome and seemed like he was trying to be different and change himself but that wasn't the case. He made me felt like I was crazy and I felt emotionally abused. He was kind and didn't try anything so that's why I thought he was serious. He didnt try to have sex with me so I thought maybe he was being serious about me. Idk. I wasn't in my right mind. I have so many things that were piled on me. I had quit my job, I wasn't working, wasn't in school, and I was lonely. Those are the worst to have when going out to date. But I guess being rejected by him made it even worse because he was a dealer and had nothing and I still wasn't worth anything.

 

I don't understand the two statements above. You say you felt crazy and emotionally abused and then in the next sentence you say he was kind. What do you mean?

[stillafool]

Everyone tells me to be patient.. be patient. But it sucks being the last person to experience love. I want to know how it works or feels.

 

Believe it or not, most people never find love when they are looking for it. Relax, enjoy your youth, (because it goes fast), and you will meet the man for you. Let it happen organically.

[Satu]

You don't gauge your worth by the way other people treat you.

 

Establish boundaries and limits regarding which behaviours you will and won't tolerate from others.

 

Its very important to do that.

 

 

Take care.

[Kics]

You are still very young. I never have had a serious bf, and I am the last single girl in the family. I am 25. I am currently dating someone that seems really invested in me and that is the first time, I actually met him at the gym. Try to focus on things that you like doing. I sign up for yoga, and Pilates, I also join an organization with business people because I was feeling lonely. I am also going to a therapist and I think I am in a much better place because I decided to do something instead of feeling sad and lonely not that you are feeling that way. But girl don't let guys treat you like crap, you will eventually find someone that will show you that he cares and won't lead you on.

[moonchild94]

RED FLAG! Don't find someone who needs to change. If you don't like and respect who someone is RIGHT NOW, do not pursue a relationship with you. If they like you, they can call you later AFTER their metamorphosis to a fully functioning human being is complete.

 

 

 

RED FLAG! Do not pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't make you feel respected and understood.

 

 

 

For future reference:

 

People do things for all kinds of reasons. It is dangerous to assume what someone's actions must mean, or that they think like you do.

 

 

 

He wasn't capable of an adult relationship, so there was no ending to this BUT rejection. This has nothing to do with your worth.

 

But you seriously need to have a better screening process, or you are going to end up in a situation where you have some loser baby daddy terrorizing your life.

 

Handsome is great, but being handsome doesn't make someone a good person.

 

You need to make yourself a list of what you want in a partner. Not just about looks and stuff, but about how he treats you and what kind of person he is.

 

Then when you are talking to a guy, if his behavior isn't in line with your list, NEXT him immediately. Don't just keep opening yourself up to being hurt. Move on.

 

Gotta use your heart AND your head.

 

And - I see nothing wrong with telling this guy to go to hell. Appropriate response.

 

Thank you for your answer. I was doubting myself in wether or not these were red flags or if I was just being anxious. It's not just guys that walk over me, I let people in general walk over me. So I need to set boundaries in life so I won't let that happen.

[moonchild94]

I don't understand the two statements above. You say you felt crazy and emotionally abused and then in the next sentence you say he was kind. What do you mean?

 

I meant before when I was with him, he was kind and didn't try anything. But once we started "text" arguing he was attacking me from left to right.

[Satu]

Thank you for your answer. I was doubting myself in wether or not these were red flags or if I was just being anxious. It's not just guys that walk over me, I let people in general walk over me. So I need to set boundaries in life so I won't let that happen.

 

Here is a book that you can read online, which you might find helpful:

 

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self

By Charles L. Whitfield

 

 

Take care.

[noelle303]

Believe it or not, most people never find love when they are looking for it. Relax, enjoy your youth, (because it goes fast), and you will meet the man for you. Let it happen organically.

 

Agreed. It WILL happen for you when you least expect it and not when you're looking for it. 22 is actually very young and many people doesn't have serious relationships yet at that age.

 

Don't run around after pothead losers because you are in a hurry to find someone. You and this guy were clearly a mismatch from the start and there's nothing to feel guilty about. You can sit around and wonder what you did wrong but the truth is, you need to accept that you did nothing wrong. It would have never been anything more than the ''push-pull'' that it was and it's good that you recognized it and he was out of line to call you crazy and unhealthy for it. It was probably his defense going up because he knew you were right - an attack is the best defense.

 

You seem like a girl with good friends, a bright future, enjoy it and love will come around for you.