Acting needy

[nancyha]

I've had 3 dates with a guy I met through an app.. We have made out on all three dates, he spent one night over but we haven't had sex because since the first date I told him I wasn't looking for that and he has been respectful and not pushy. So the first 3 dates were on the lapse of one week and he was always the one initiating contact and looking for me. At the beginning of the third date he said he was going away for the weekend but that we could hang out on Sunday if he came back early, however when he said bye he didn't say anything like I'll call your or anything like that. So he didn't look for me next day so I texted him figuring he doesn't have to start contact all the time and I should also show some interest. We had a small chat and I just said have a nice weekend. Now it's Sunday and I haven't heard from him. So I sent him a message which I now regret and he hasn't answered yet (hasn't been online). Now I don't know what to do, in case he does answer how can I not seem too needy?? I've read "needy" is a vibe you give off so there's not much to do about it and I'm here writing and obsessing about it so I think I am indeed being needy, I get really insecure when I start fearing a guy will disappear which is the case now, but any tips would be appreciated

[Dis]

I dont think he's dissappeared on you hun...relax alittle

 

We cant predict what the future holds...trying to control the things that are out of your control will only drive you crazy (speaking from experience)

 

Just try to take it easy....go to the gym....clean your place....take your mind off things

 

Its only been what? A few days? No need to worry yet hun

[angel.eyes]

Yes, it's a good time to clean your place, get that mani/pedi, catch up on your errands, etc.

 

If he never gets back to you, so what? There's nothing you can do to change that. Bottom line is you'll just find someone else to date. If he does get back to you when he returns, you will have worried for nothing.

 

So just focus on getting caught up in your life while you have a little extra free time.

[nancyha]

Yeah, you're right, thank you.. I've gotta take it easy and get busy, it wouldn't be the end of the world if I don't hear from him again

[nancyha]

Lately it seems I've been having the same problem with all the guys I meet. I meet them, they seem interested (more than I) and I play it cool for a while. On the first days I don't even care if he texts, sometimes take a while answering because I've got other things on my mind and don't sweat it at all. Then, as I start getting to know them better/liking them I begin to feel very anxious and start analyzing everything.. how long it took him to answer, when was he last online, etc, etc. Then I start initiating contact or plans (not too much though, maybe once or twice), and feel they get distant.

 

I think part of my problem is that I've was ghosted by a guy with whom I had been going out for about 2 months, he said he wanted to date exclusively and then with time he started fading and eventually disappeared for no apparent reason. It's like he suddenly lost all interest and I never really got to know why. So I think I'm afraid guys will just change their mind and disappear out of the blue. So I become a little obsessive and even though I don't act too much on it I guess they can somehow notice.

 

So a couple of questions.. how can I avoid feeling this anxiety and keep my cool attitude? It's a confidence thing I guess? Do guys really get turned off once they know you're more available/interested than before? Once it becomes less of a challenge?

 

And I must say, I'm not even crazy about this guy (the one I'm in this situation with now), still just want to hang out and get to know each other better but I may be somehow acting like I'm really into him..

[Satu]

Just take a step back and avoid building expectations.

 

 

If its right, something good will happen.

 

If nothing good happens, it isn't right.

 

 

Take care.

[nancyha]

I met a guy through Tinder.. We have been on three dates in the span of a week, all of them initiated by him, he was always the one making contact. In all three dates we made out, he stayed over at my place the second night but haven’t had sex since I told him on the first date that’s not what I’m looking for and he has been respectful and not pushy.

 

At some point in the third date he said he was going away for the weekend but that if he came back early on Sunday we should meet. However, when the third date ended he never said anything like “I’ll call you”. I don’t think anything on the third date went wrong or was different than the dates before. So the day after the third date I hadn’t heard from him so decided to say hi figuring it doesn’t have to be him the one that starts contact all the time. We had a small chat and I said good weekend. Didn’t hear from him on Saturday and then on Sunday I said hi again (this is the part I regret). He said he was back in town but was tired, we kept talking (the same “talk” went through Monday and Thursday) but ever since I notice it takes him longer to answer and he hasn’t really started any new conversations. I was the one that sent the last message, one that there wasn’t really much to reply to.

 

So, I'm wondering, was it really bad to look for him and I scared him away? I know I should wait for him to make the next move but would it be so terrible if I ask him out next? Give him a couple of days and then if he doesn't text I text him, just to give it another shot. Also I know he is actively on Tinder. I’m not even sure I really like him, I would just like to continue to get to know him a little better.

[WhirlwindGuy]

So a couple of questions.. how can I avoid feeling this anxiety and keep my cool attitude? It's a confidence thing I guess? Do guys really get turned off once they know you're more available/interested than before? Once it becomes less of a challenge?

 

 

I have found, for me, I have to just keep myself busy with my own stuff. But ultimately if you start catching feelings for someone, or seeing potential, you are going to be a little anxious in the beginning until you feel like you can trust them.

 

 

I don't get turned off by a girl being available or interested, I would prefer it, as long as it was the right girl for me. I have had situations that I went on date one and was marginally interested, went on date two and realized there just wasn't much there for me, and I slowly faded and eventually told her it wasn't going to work. I don't ghost, but I do slow it down and ponder for a while before I make a final decision. Until date two though, I show a lot of interest because im trying to find out about this person and see if there is an attraction or chemistry there.

 

 

I have also dated some and that chemistry was there right away, and then I was kind of in way too fast...

 

 

I think if he said he was going away, and now seems like he has lost interest...he probably has. Chances are he didn't go away at all, he had another date planned, went on that date and found he may really be interested in this other person and is now pondering the situation and trying to decide how to handle it.

 

 

That is my opinion at least...

[nancyha]

He was indeed away for the weekend because on Tinder you can see how many miles away your matches are.. But it does seem he is losing interest. Would it be too bad to ask him out just to see each other one more time and see how it goes? I'd wait a couple of days and if he doesn't text then I'd text him.

[despgirl]

He was indeed away for the weekend because on Tinder you can see how many miles away your matches are.. But it does seem he is losing interest. Would it be too bad to ask him out just to see each other one more time and see how it goes? I'd wait a couple of days and if he doesn't text then I'd text him.

 

I would not contact him anymore if I was you and wait for him to reach out. If he doesn't - you know he has lost interest. If he does - all good. But indeed some guys like to be the ones taking the initiative and they also sometimes test how needy you are in case you don't hear from them.

[Zahara]

I wouldn't contact him anymore. He's likely meeting other women on Tinder and dating. I also have to wonder if he did a fast forward with 3 dates in a week hoping to get laid. Probably realizes it's too much work and he's out there going through his other options. You should be doing the same and not feeling stuck over some guy you met for a week.

[nancyha]

Yeah, you're right,I don't know why I'm pushing it so much, I won't look for him anymore, might work better that way. I am not very good for Tinder because once I meet someone and we kind of hit it off I like to concentrate on that for a while and stop looking elsewhere.. and I know that's not how people usually use Tinder. it just seems so hard to meet people other ways (at least in my city at my age)

[Zahara]

Yeah, you're right,I don't know why I'm pushing it so much, I won't look for him anymore, might work better that way. I am not very good for Tinder because once I meet someone and we kind of hit it off I like to concentrate on that for a while and stop looking elsewhere.. and I know that's not how people usually use Tinder. it just seems so hard to meet people other ways (at least in my city at my age)

 

Maybe try a different dating website i.e eHarmony, Match -- from what I know Tinder is an easy hook up site. And there is no need to get in all those dates in such a short time. Create space and mystery. Get to slowly know the person versus heading to the bedroom right away.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I wouldn't contact him anymore. He's likely meeting other women on Tinder and dating. I also have to wonder if he did a fast forward with 3 dates in a week hoping to get laid. Probably realizes it's too much work and he's out there going through his other options. You should be doing the same and not feeling stuck over some guy you met for a week.

 

I second this response.

[pteromom]

I think part of my problem is that I've was ghosted by a guy with whom I had been going out for about 2 months, he said he wanted to date exclusively and then with time he started fading and eventually disappeared for no apparent reason. It's like he suddenly lost all interest and I never really got to know why. So I think I'm afraid guys will just change their mind and disappear out of the blue.

 

Yep. Some of them will do that.

 

You have to realize two things:

 

1 - you are better off WITHOUT someone who runs away as soon as things start feeling real

 

2 - their running probably has nothing to do with you. They may be scared of commitment, or they may be cheating on gfs, or they may be dealing with stuff in the other part of their life, or getting over a bad breakup. DON'T take it personally! It's simply not true that if you are good enough and sexy enough and giving enough, you will fix everything that is broken about a guy and he will be ready and magically capable of loving you.

 

So a couple of questions.. how can I avoid feeling this anxiety and keep my cool attitude?

 

Trust YOURSELF. Know that if a guy runs, you'll be OK and get through it, and be better off.

 

Do guys really get turned off once they know you're more available/interested than before? Once it becomes less of a challenge?

 

Only guys who view you as a conquest. You don't want them anyway.

 

But yeah - a lot of people get scared if someone they are dating becomes attached or overly invested too quickly. There is no hurry! If it is going to work, it will work if you slowly wade in and get to know someone.

 

And I must say, I'm not even crazy about this guy (the one I'm in this situation with now), still just want to hang out and get to know each other better but I may be somehow acting like I'm really into him..

 

Because you are attaching his interest to your own worth. Don't do that. Even if he wasn't interested AT ALL, it doesn't mean you aren't awesome. It just means there is something going on within him that doesn't allow him to see your awesomeness, and it's his own loss.