Loving someone = belonging somewhere

[Satu]

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

 

- Paul Tillich.

[Lorenza]

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

 

- Paul Tillich.

 

Funny how my language has only one word for that.

 

But it's a very touching qoute.

[Lorenza]

Yeah what is there to fix? Most people unless asexual or aromantical has needs and desires and wants someone in their lives. If this was a complete obsession for you and you didn't have your own life going or couldn't feel happy at all while on your own, that could have been a cause for concern but this doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

Oooh only now I noticed your nickname! We're living in the same country

[Alamo657]

I realized that being in a relationship makes me feel like I belong somewhere, gives the feeling of security and is one of the most important sources of happiness. As much as I want to think that my happiness comes from within - my hobbies, ambitions and work, being with someone I love feels...in a way more precious. I've been struggling my way through life in a foreign country for the last 8 years and always felt this void a boyfriend seems to fill in.

 

But guys nowadays seem to have a big problem with that. They sense their importance to me and start backing away. All start with being crazy in love with me and then it fades. I'm not even very clingy and have learnt to give space and I do have my own life and a cool job, but still...

 

I don't think I can change wanting to see a boyfriend a lot and be very close, so what can I do? Feels like I'll never belong in this country and have a place to call home and it will always make me attach to men too easy. Men here in Scandinavia are so independent and I now realize that's not what I want. But at the same time I want someone interesting and talented. Impossible combo?

 

I really thought that my most recent ex will be just as attached as me, but it turned out to be the opposite. So did my other 3 relationships. Is it me who needs to change after all?

In my opinion the kind of people you're looking for ("interesting and talented") is inherently unable to commit for the long haul because they are self-aware of their social desirability and have difficulty settling down and waving goodbye to the world of seduction.

 

It all calms down nearing early 30 when the biological clock is ticking, but flares up again after a few years of doing the happy couple thing (house, children etc).

[Ensam]

Oooh only now I noticed your nickname! We're living in the same country

 

Yeah I told you so in an earlier post, I realized after what you wrote about all the single households:laugh:

 

Do you speak our language?

[Lorenza]

Yeah I told you so in an earlier post, I realized after what you wrote about all the single households:laugh:

 

Do you speak our language?

 

Ah indeed you did. Yes I'm quite fluent

[Ensam]

Ah indeed you did. Yes I'm quite fluent

 

Ah, good good:)

May I out of curiosity ask what got you to move here initially?

[katiegrl]

I don't know. Guess I do need to change something, since it's not working with the men here. But it makes me deffensive when someone says it's completely dysfunctional to feel the way I feel.

 

Dating sites will have wait for quite a while... I still love my ex very much. But yes, I will do my best not to settle for anyone distant and cold...

 

I apologize if my use of the word dysfunctional offended you. I do understand though.

 

I only said it because, based on your history, including your RL with your ex, which lasted FAR TOO LONG, your relationships have not been "functioning" positively, have they? Or healthy.

 

Hence the word dysfunctional... not functioning in a healthy or positive fashion.

 

Anyway, I am glad you at least acknowledge something needs to be changed (within yourself). That is a step.

 

Re the men there (Scandinavia), my ex is Swedish (born and raised there until the age of 12), and he is one of the most outgoing, gregarious, friendly people one could ever meet.

 

He was like that even as a child. It's his personality not his nationality.

 

We visited his family there a few years ago, and he made friends wherever he went! People were very friendly and open to him.

 

So not quite sure why you say the people there would look at you strangely if you smiled at them.

 

Be open, be friendly and you might find people respond in kind! Including men!

 

.

Edited June 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

Oh the belonging... Yes! Finding the right people definitely helps to create this feeling, but you can step up and create it yourself!

 

Not to sound like an empty-worded philosopher, here is my personal experience. I moved out of Eastern Europe at 22 knowing nobody and NOT knowing a word of the language in the country where I moved to (NL). 6 years there... living like a hermit... I couldn't associate with people but associated happiness with my studies and job. Moved at first temporary to the US, met a terrible but unique guy, felt like my heart stayed in this little town. Returned next year for work. We broke up, he's long gone. Today is 3 years of my life here. I still DO belong to this place. My mind is here, my life is here. I build my life around.

 

So my total in the past 9 years: 3 very different countries, 15 houses (if I'm not forgetting some ) and ... yes! I do feel belonging to this place (I met my current BF btw after I got this feeling... It happened before the RL).

 

You MAY need an external push of a RL, friend, hobby, job, something else... But it will happen. Trust me on that. Just don't associate it with RL and RL only and you'll be fine:)

 

P.S. If you do want to find emotionally stable guy - try the following: go PAST the 2nd date even if you don't feel it. Just do it. You will probably re-calibrate slowly your selection criteria, aAND you may find love with someone who you'd now dismiss (there were stories like this from some posters here)

 

I realized that being in a relationship makes me feel like I belong somewhere, gives the feeling of security and is one of the most important sources of happiness. As much as I want to think that my happiness comes from within - my hobbies, ambitions and work, being with someone I love feels...in a way more precious. I've been struggling my way through life in a foreign country for the last 8 years and always felt this void a boyfriend seems to fill in.

 

But guys nowadays seem to have a big problem with that. They sense their importance to me and start backing away. All start with being crazy in love with me and then it fades. I'm not even very clingy and have learnt to give space and I do have my own life and a cool job, but still...

 

I don't think I can change wanting to see a boyfriend a lot and be very close, so what can I do? Feels like I'll never belong in this country and have a place to call home and it will always make me attach to men too easy. Men here in Scandinavia are so independent and I now realize that's not what I want. But at the same time I want someone interesting and talented. Impossible combo?

 

I really thought that my most recent ex will be just as attached as me, but it turned out to be the opposite. So did my other 3 relationships. Is it me who needs to change after all?

[Lorenza]

Ah, good good:)

May I out of curiosity ask what got you to move here initially?

 

My parents worked here when I was a teenager. They later got a divorce but dad stayed. He talked me into coming but pretty much left me on my own since the very beginning. It's gonna be 8 years in August. I have never fully adapted, unfortunately...

[Lorenza]

Oh the belonging... Yes! Finding the right people definitely helps to create this feeling, but you can step up and create it yourself!

 

Not to sound like an empty-worded philosopher, here is my personal experience. I moved out of Eastern Europe at 22 knowing nobody and NOT knowing a word of the language in the country where I moved to (NL). 6 years there... living like a hermit... I couldn't associate with people but associated happiness with my studies and job. Moved at first temporary to the US, met a terrible but unique guy, felt like my heart stayed in this little town. Returned next year for work. We broke up, he's long gone. Today is 3 years of my life here. I still DO belong to this place. My mind is here, my life is here. I build my life around.

 

So my total in the past 9 years: 3 very different countries, 15 houses (if I'm not forgetting some ) and ... yes! I do feel belonging to this place (I met my current BF btw after I got this feeling... It happened before the RL).

 

You MAY need an external push of a RL, friend, hobby, job, something else... But it will happen. Trust me on that. Just don't associate it with RL and RL only and you'll be fine:)

 

P.S. If you do want to find emotionally stable guy - try the following: go PAST the 2nd date even if you don't feel it. Just do it. You will probably re-calibrate slowly your selection criteria, aAND you may find love with someone who you'd now dismiss (there were stories like this from some posters here)

 

Such a great and positive story... I'm glad you found home abroad, it takes some strength to adjust and turn things around instead of feeling sorry for yourself (which I'm doing lol). Can't wait for that change to happen, but right now it feels like years away.

 

You are right, I should give unlikely guys a chance too. I usually feel attraction very instantly and it goes fast from there. Guys who are slow, have simple hobbies and tastes, act shy and take time to make any kind of move were never ever of any interest, even if they were good looking. I always date artistic and peculiar people, very affectionate and high sex drive. Time to change the type...

[Ensam]

My parents worked here when I was a teenager. They later got a divorce but dad stayed. He talked me into coming but pretty much left me on my own since the very beginning. It's gonna be 8 years in August. I have never fully adapted, unfortunately...

 

I hope you can eventually unless you choose to move at some point. It's not a bad country but it differs from some other parts of EU.

[Gaeta]

You really think that talking to some strangers will replace family and relatives? I don't think so. Not even my friends replace that even though I meet them regularly.

 

Yeah, agree that it's possible to create your own home but it also depends on how people define home. For me it depends on whether or not people I love are around. At least one person I love. In the city I live it's extremely difficult with housing. I was forced to move for 17 times during last 8 years. That's 17 places I never called home, 17 different areas of this big city. Having a guy I love with me would make that bearable, but right now...

 

Is it really a recipe for a bad relationship? Friends from homecountry all have that kind of relationships and they're happy. It starts seeming to me that I would be happy with someone who is slightly codependant...

 

Then why don't you go back to your home country?

 

Why don't you leave this place you hate so much?

 

You are free, no boyfriend, no children, you can go and restart anywhere you wish or simply go back home and be surrounded by the ones you love and love you back.

 

All this talk about needing to be in a relationship to belonging is only generated by your mourning. Give yourself time to go through the 5 steps or mourning a relationship. What you are going through is not unique to you, we all went through this after a break up.

[Lorenza]

Then why don't you go back to your home country?

 

Why don't you leave this place you hate so much?

 

You are free, no boyfriend, no children, you can go and restart anywhere you wish or simply go back home and be surrounded by the ones you love and love you back.

 

All this talk about needing to be in a relationship to belonging is only generated by your mourning. Give yourself time to go through the 5 steps or mourning a relationship. What you are going through is not unique to you, we all went through this after a break up.

 

I've got loans, my own company and ongoing education. My home country is one big mess, the situation there is tragic... I'm actually from Ukraine, not from Italy, that was just a camouflage from bf snooping.

 

The breakup definitely made it worse, but I always felt like it's easier to belong while in a relationship. I even warned my recent ex that that's what I want before we even met irl...

[Cinnamonstix]

Hi Lorenza,

 

I don't see anything wrong with wanting someone to share your life with. Some people are very romantic. I am one of them. Generally, I am independent, and I am happier single than I am with the wrong person. But after finding the right person, I feel content and at home. There is nothing that makes me happier than being in totally love with my best friend.

 

I think you might be attracted specifically to people that won't give you what you want. To change your type, you will probably need to reach a point where you are truly sick of the heartache and done with repeating your same patterns, thereby weakening your attraction to the types of men that cause you pain. You will no longer be as drawn to the men that would normally elicit feelings of insane physical attraction and chemistry, as you are subconsciously no longer interested in recreating your deepest wounds from childhood.

 

So, once you've reached that point, meeting someone right will feel entirely different. Rather than lust and a racing heart, you will feel a sense of comfort and mutual understanding, like this person could be your very best friend and like you just have to know them. And in case this sounds like you're trading down from your usual intensity, in my experience, the rest can grow. You can have the best sex of your life with someone you initially weren't entirely sure about.

[Gaeta]

You will meet someone again. Mean while you need to do some introspect work on yourself. Yes maybe you feel better when you're in a relationship, maybe you need it to feel like you belong but it's not a reason to jump from one relationship to another and use people as balm on your wounds.

 

You say you loved your ex very much, I believe that. Loving someone does not stop over night. While you continue loving him and mourning this relationship it's better you do not drag another man in this process. For him because it would be misleading and for yourself.

 

There is nothing beautiful in being with a man to forget another one.

 

Second: You need to embrace this place where you are. You are unhappy and don't feel like you belong because you don't try to integrate yourself. I have moved 16 times in my life. Over night at 20 I ended up 2000 miles away from my family in a place I didn't know the language. Within a year I felt I belong. I made myself discover the area and its people, I learn the language, got involved in groups from my culture, hobby groups and all. I wanted to belong and to integrate, that's the key word, you don't so it will never work. If you don't want to feel like you don't belong in 20-30 years you have to come forward and make efforts. You are the master of your life.

[Lorenza]

You will meet someone again. Mean while you need to do some introspect work on yourself. Yes maybe you feel better when you're in a relationship, maybe you need it to feel like you belong but it's not a reason to jump from one relationship to another and use people as balm on your wounds.

 

You say you loved your ex very much, I believe that. Loving someone does not stop over night. While you continue loving him and mourning this relationship it's better you do not drag another man in this process. For him because it would be misleading and for yourself.

 

There is nothing beautiful in being with a man to forget another one.

 

Second: You need to embrace this place where you are. You are unhappy and don't feel like you belong because you don't try to integrate yourself. I have moved 16 times in my life. Over night at 20 I ended up 2000 miles away from my family in a place I didn't know the language. Within a year I felt I belong. I made myself discover the area and its people, I learn the language, got involved in groups from my culture, hobby groups and all. I wanted to belong and to integrate, that's the key word, you don't so it will never work. If you don't want to feel like you don't belong in 20-30 years you have to come forward and make efforts. You are the master of your life.

 

I'm planning to give myself at least 6 months this time, without even signing in to any dating sites or apps. Don't want to fall into the same trap again... And it seems like these feelings for my ex will take longer time to fully subside, since I don't have any resentment towards him. So no balm for this wound, it will have to heal on it's own.

 

You are right, I am not embracing the place I live. Actually, I'm subconsciously fighting against it, it's like my whole being is rejecting it. I even avoid speaking the language at any chance I get. I'm fluent but I hate it.

I don't know what to do to adopt this culture. Got a job I love, study the subject I like, have a cat, live near nature, work out, go on hobby meetups every week. It's beautiful here and safe. But something makes all that strange and distant and pointless. All that goes away when I'm with someone I love. Laying cuddled up with someone dear glues those pieces together...

[Lorenza]

Hi Lorenza,

 

I don't see anything wrong with wanting someone to share your life with. Some people are very romantic. I am one of them. Generally, I am independent, and I am happier single than I am with the wrong person. But after finding the right person, I feel content and at home. There is nothing that makes me happier than being in totally love with my best friend.

 

I think you might be attracted specifically to people that won't give you what you want. To change your type, you will probably need to reach a point where you are truly sick of the heartache and done with repeating your same patterns, thereby weakening your attraction to the types of men that cause you pain. You will no longer be as drawn to the men that would normally elicit feelings of insane physical attraction and chemistry, as you are subconsciously no longer interested in recreating your deepest wounds from childhood.

 

So, once you've reached that point, meeting someone right will feel entirely different. Rather than lust and a racing heart, you will feel a sense of comfort and mutual understanding, like this person could be your very best friend and like you just have to know them. And in case this sounds like you're trading down from your usual intensity, in my experience, the rest can grow. You can have the best sex of your life with someone you initially weren't entirely sure about.

 

Your post makes so much sense... Getting so fed up with heartache that my mind would automatically distantiate me from the men who'd keep on causing it. Would be a perfect way to break a pattern. But what if I've got too used to feeling miserable. I think I deserve happiness for sure, but my brain could be hooked up on negative feelings. My mom's like that.

[Cinnamonstix]

Your post makes so much sense... Getting so fed up with heartache that my mind would automatically distantiate me from the men who'd keep on causing it. Would be a perfect way to break a pattern. But what if I've got too used to feeling miserable. I think I deserve happiness for sure, but my brain could be hooked up on negative feelings. My mom's like that.

 

You are in the wake of a break up, so it is natural for you to be feeling a little bit negative and perhaps like it is just your inherent drive to be unhappy that leads you to the same outcome over and over. But I do not believe that anyone prefers unhappiness to happiness. Rather, we often get too scared to make the changes that would otherwise make us happier, and so we remain in the same comfortable patterns.

 

It is true that being happy can be scary at times though. You have so much more to lose. It takes work to get past that.

[Els]

OP, I empathize. Being a migrant is difficult and many people wouldn't realize how much, until they have been in our shoes. You are leaving your family and childhood friends behind to forge a new future. Feeling lonely and sad is fairly normal in those circumstances, especially if you are forced to move so often and if you aren't the extroverted sort.

 

I also agree that different cultures have different perceptions of how a R 'should' be. Where I come from it's pretty normal for couples to rely on each other to an extent. In the West (or at least on LS), that's apparently called 'co-dependent', which is apparently a terrible thing. IMO a balance of sorts would be best - of course you cannot be dependent to the extent that you would stay in a bad R just for the sake of having an R. But on the other hand is it really so terrible to admit that you desire a deeper bond with a fellow human being? It is how we evolved after all.

 

How long have you been in Scandinavia? Are there are any groups/associations for people from your homeland who live there? Of course, you should also try to integrate and meet up with other Scandinavians regardless of heritage, but there is no harm in doing both. Having some communication with people whose culture you are familiar with can be an excellent bridge.

 

All the best!

[Lorenza]

You are in the wake of a break up, so it is natural for you to be feeling a little bit negative and perhaps like it is just your inherent drive to be unhappy that leads you to the same outcome over and over. But I do not believe that anyone prefers unhappiness to happiness. Rather, we often get too scared to make the changes that would otherwise make us happier, and so we remain in the same comfortable patterns.

 

It is true that being happy can be scary at times though. You have so much more to lose. It takes work to get past that.

 

Yes, happiness takes responsibility and commitment... I want to be happy but I need some conditions to be fullfilled and get stuck in self-pity if they aren't.

 

But maybe you're right, I'm pretty down from the breakup right now and happiness seem a bit further away than usual.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I havent read the whole thread, but I can relate to the feelings of loneliness and homesickness. People tend to pick relationships that mirror the dynamics they are familiar with from their childhoods, so of course it makes sense that you are craving a relationship to bring you those feelings of home and of warmth. In your case, I think the cultural differences between scandanavia vs. Eastern europe present some real challenges, as well. I am eastern european as well (but grew up in the states) and based on my limited experience, it seems like relationships in that culture have less personal boundaries, a broader range for what is considered normal and healthy, and "co-deoendence" is the expectation, not something to be overcome in therapy. So, it makes sense that finding someone you are compatible with is more of a challenge.

 

Besides continuing to put yourself out there to meet men, i dont think theres much you can do to find your right guy, but i do think you have some control about the feeling of belonging. Have you tried networking with other people from your country, or finding some other community that you have some commonalities with and can be part of? Relationships are great, but theyre not the only path to belonging, and i think feeling more whole while youre single will actually put you in a better position to have a good relationship when you finally meet someone worthy.

[ManyDissapoint]

I personally see nothing wrong with the feelings you're having OP. Life is simply better with a good partner and the unconditional support network of family. Many things like sex and holidays really suck for people who go it alone.

[dichotomy]

Some creatures are social pack (family group) animals, some are lone creatures. Not wrong that you thrive best with other(s) in a close social arrangement, and are looking for that situation - its who you are. I get your also wishing to create a special "place" her in this country you are not from.

 

I don't know if its possible where you are - but I know that here in the USA there are so many dating and social websites set up specifically for other cultures, objectives, religions, orientations, age, or what ever that you can find a group to hang out with. Perhaps your city is not that diverse.

Edited June 30, 2016 by dichotomy

[Lorenza]

Some creatures are social pack (family group) animals, some are lone creatures. Not wrong that you thrive best with other(s) in a close social arrangement, and are looking for that situation - its who you are. I get your also wishing to create a special "place" her in this country you are not from.

 

I don't know if its possible where you are - but I know that here in the USA there are so many dating and social websites set up specifically for other cultures, objectives, religions, orientations, age, or what ever that you can find a group to hang out with. Perhaps your city is not that diverse.

 

This made me feel a bit better. I've struggling with my feelings at the same time thinking I'm in some way dysfunctional for having them. When I was in my early 20's (now in late 20's) I could actually enjoy being on my own and even traveling on my own, but as the years go by, I no longer want to experience life without sharing it. Just feels pointless and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

My city is probably as diverse as Paris or London. A typical European capital with a rich cultural mix. I actually was a part of a community of my coutrymen and built a circle of female friends last year. But there is a thing that is well known among us, that our people become hostile towards each other abroad. I soon found myself in a web of gossip and envy. I even shared an appartment with one woman and had to throw her out because of unacceptable behaviour and she had her revenge by spreading nasty gossip. So I left that community. I did feel more at home while in it, until all the drama started. Pity.