Loving someone = belonging somewhere

[Lorenza]

I realized that being in a relationship makes me feel like I belong somewhere, gives the feeling of security and is one of the most important sources of happiness. As much as I want to think that my happiness comes from within - my hobbies, ambitions and work, being with someone I love feels...in a way more precious. I've been struggling my way through life in a foreign country for the last 8 years and always felt this void a boyfriend seems to fill in.

 

But guys nowadays seem to have a big problem with that. They sense their importance to me and start backing away. All start with being crazy in love with me and then it fades. I'm not even very clingy and have learnt to give space and I do have my own life and a cool job, but still...

 

I don't think I can change wanting to see a boyfriend a lot and be very close, so what can I do? Feels like I'll never belong in this country and have a place to call home and it will always make me attach to men too easy. Men here in Scandinavia are so independent and I now realize that's not what I want. But at the same time I want someone interesting and talented. Impossible combo?

 

I really thought that my most recent ex will be just as attached as me, but it turned out to be the opposite. So did my other 3 relationships. Is it me who needs to change after all?

[Toodaloo]

Hate to say it but probably.

 

Belonging does not really mean having a partner.

 

I know I belong in my area because I get waves as I drive through the village, I can stop in the local shops and get smiles and welcomes, the local garage knows me.

 

When you can stand as you are on your own two feet and feel you are at "home" that is when you belong.

 

A friend of mine has just come home from Hong Kong and he misses it terribly because he felt he belonged there... So its not always where you actually are, more what you make of the little bit of world you are living in.

[Lorenza]

Hate to say it but probably.

 

Belonging does not really mean having a partner.

 

I know I belong in my area because I get waves as I drive through the village, I can stop in the local shops and get smiles and welcomes, the local garage knows me.

 

When you can stand as you are on your own two feet and feel you are at "home" that is when you belong.

 

A friend of mine has just come home from Hong Kong and he misses it terribly because he felt he belonged there... So its not always where you actually are, more what you make of the little bit of world you are living in.

 

I stand on my own economically and have hobbies etc, but unfortunately it's not enough. Nothing makes me feel like having a relationship. I think professional/personal achievements doesn't make a difference. Maybe because my family and relatives (and even people of the same mentality) are far away. I can't be myself here. And with a boyfriend it's like having a little separate world where I can be that.

[Satu]

Someone once said to me that they had no sense of belonging to anyone. No family, no friends.

 

I told him that he belonged to himself.

 

It was just a casual and not particularly profound comment, but it had a strong impact on him, and he fell silent.

 

He later told me that it changed the way he saw himself.

[Lorenza]

Someone once said they had no sense of belonging to anyone. No family, no friends.

 

I told him that he belonged to himself.

 

It was just a casual and not particularly profound comment, but it had a strong impact on him, and he fell silent.

 

He later told me that it changed the way he saw himself.

 

I wish it had that impact on me. But it feels too lonely to belong just to myself. I'm from a culture where family ties are the most important thing. Because I can't have that here, I look for that in men. And so far, can't find it

[Toodaloo]

I wish it had that impact on me. But it feels too lonely to belong just to myself. I'm from a culture where family ties are the most important thing. Because I can't have that here, I look for that in men. And so far, can't find it

 

You are not going to though because you are seeking for another person to fill a void.

 

To put it bluntly why the heck should anyone else be responsible for your happiness.

 

Its a really unhealthy way to view the world... Try smiling and talking to the people in the shops you visit. Try standing still in one place where you live and just breathing the air for a moment. Smell the roses as they say.

 

You will never be "happy" if you rely on other people to "make" you "happy"...

[Lorenza]

You are not going to though because you are seeking for another person to fill a void.

 

To put it bluntly why the heck should anyone else be responsible for your happiness.

 

Its a really unhealthy way to view the world... Try smiling and talking to the people in the shops you visit. Try standing still in one place where you live and just breathing the air for a moment. Smell the roses as they say.

 

You will never be "happy" if you rely on other people to "make" you "happy"...

 

Then maybe I need someone who will also at least a little bit depend on me to make them happy. By make happy I mean spend more time together or live together. Just create home. There's no way in creating a home on my own, then it's not home.

 

Hehe, I think people would think I'm crazy if I smiled to them at shops. People are cold and closed as I live in a Scandinavian capital known for most lonely people...

[Ensam]

Loving someone and sharing a home can help you feel like you belong yes. I personally don't feel it is a necessity though as I tend to get rather infatuated with places I live and the surroundings/culture there.

 

I'm right with you on what you're saying about happyness though. Not all the happyness can come from within. Being with another person should make us happy and feel good, that's a strong indication it is a good relationship. And I don't think it's wrong to lean on or to depend on your partner to some degree. It isn't without its risks as it makes us more vulnerable but at the same time it is also what brings us closer to each other on an emotional level. I'm not a big fan of people that are too independent in relationships as I often feel they are sort of cold and detached.

 

I'm actually in a rather similar situation to yours living in Scandinavia and having problems finding a girlfriend that gets as involved in relationships as I do. So I'm not sure if I have any answers on what you should do. I don't think you should change though as I do not see anything wrong with being the way you are. I'd rather say it's an admirable quality. Perhaps just keep on looking and hope something turns up? Personally I have sort of given up at the moment due to a number of reasons but the thought has occured to me that perhaps I would be better off with a girl from another culture than the Scandinavian one. Might be a better match.

[Toodaloo]

Then maybe I need someone who will also at least a little bit depend on me to make them happy. By make happy I mean spend more time together or live together. Just create home. There's no way in creating a home on my own, then it's not home.

 

Hehe, I think people would think I'm crazy if I smiled to them at shops. People are cold and closed as I live in a Scandinavian capital known for most lonely people...

 

Oh no no no... thats a recipe for a really bad relationship...

 

They are lonely because you don't interact with them. Try it. Say hello and be polite. Ask that old lady who is struggling if you can give her a hand. Feed your neighbours cat when they go on holiday. Ask the person at the bus stop how their day is going. Interact. I think you will find the response warmer than the temperature.

 

I created my home on my own and I love it. My friends and family love it and sometimes I get home to find them there just having time to themselves and they use it as a "get away" from the stress of life. I did it myself. The way I wanted... even went and got my own lampshades and hung them myself.

[Lorenza]

Loving someone and sharing a home can help you feel like you belong yes. I personally don't feel it is a necessity though as I tend to get rather infatuated with places I live and the surroundings/culture there.

 

I'm right with you on what you're saying about happyness though. Not all the happyness can come from within. Being with another person should make us happy and feel good, that's a strong indication it is a good relationship. And I don't think it's wrong to lean on or to depend on your partner to some degree. It isn't without its risks as it makes us more vulnerable but at the same time it is also what brings us closer to each other on an emotional level. I'm not a big fan of people that are too independent in relationships as I often feel they are sort of cold and detached.

 

I'm actually in a rather similar situation to yours living in Scandinavia and having problems finding a girlfriend that gets as involved in relationships as I do. So I'm not sure if I have any answers on what you should do. I don't think you should change though as I do not see anything wrong with being the way you are. I'd rather say it's an admirable quality. Perhaps just keep on looking and hope something turns up? Personally I have sort of given up at the moment due to a number of reasons but the thought has occured to me that perhaps I would be better off with a girl from another culture than the Scandinavian one. Might be a better match.

 

Sharing a home with someone you love creates a safe haven in otherwise a strange and inclement invironment, especially in a foreign country. In my case I'm not infatuated with the culture here at all and pretty tired of struggling.

 

Yeah, exactly - there's no way to be 100% responsible for your happiness, especially for those who grew with this kind of mentality. It's just something I can't relate to either. There are risks involved but I'd rather try and fail and get myself into that vulnerable position over and over again rather than having a detached relationship and living separate lives. I tried to convince myself that I'm ok with my recent ex being very independent but I was suffering a little bit everytime he kissed me goodbye and walked out the door, knowing that I won't see him 5 or more days. I wanted to see him more often no matter how busy I was with my own life.

 

Ah, Scandinavian people. Don't know which country you live in, but mine is known the most single households in the world. It speaks volumes about how people value closeness. I also try to date foreigners. My last bf was a latino who was born here, so I thought he will be different. But he seems he got enough social conditioning to become one of the workaholic detached guys.

[Lorenza]

Oh no no no... thats a recipe for a really bad relationship...

 

They are lonely because you don't interact with them. Try it. Say hello and be polite. Ask that old lady who is struggling if you can give her a hand. Feed your neighbours cat when they go on holiday. Ask the person at the bus stop how their day is going. Interact. I think you will find the response warmer than the temperature.

 

I created my home on my own and I love it. My friends and family love it and sometimes I get home to find them there just having time to themselves and they use it as a "get away" from the stress of life. I did it myself. The way I wanted... even went and got my own lampshades and hung them myself.

 

You really think that talking to some strangers will replace family and relatives? I don't think so. Not even my friends replace that even though I meet them regularly.

 

Yeah, agree that it's possible to create your own home but it also depends on how people define home. For me it depends on whether or not people I love are around. At least one person I love. In the city I live it's extremely difficult with housing. I was forced to move for 17 times during last 8 years. That's 17 places I never called home, 17 different areas of this big city. Having a guy I love with me would make that bearable, but right now...

 

Is it really a recipe for a bad relationship? Friends from homecountry all have that kind of relationships and they're happy. It starts seeming to me that I would be happy with someone who is slightly codependant...

[Toodaloo]

Yeah, agree that it's possible to create your own home but it also depends on how people define home. For me it depends on whether or not people I love are around. At least one person I love. In the city I live it's extremely difficult with housing. I was forced to move for 17 times during last 8 years. That's 17 places I never called home, 17 different areas of this big city. Having a guy I love with me would make that bearable, but right now...

 

Is it really a recipe for a bad relationship? Friends from homecountry all have that kind of relationships and they're happy. It starts seeming to me that I would be happy with someone who is slightly codependant...

 

So every 6 months you have to move? Really? Why bother even unpacking?

 

No having a guy with you would help you pay the bills. How about looking at doing that yourself instead.

 

I have surrogate sisters, I have my "American Mum and Dad", I have many people who I consider "family" who are not blood relatives.

 

Being codependent really is a bad thing. It is not the same as being part of a team or a partnership.

 

Seriously go and get some counselling or something because you are not going to move forward talking to us. You have an idea set in your head and its not going to move...

[katiegrl]

You really think that talking to some strangers will replace family and relatives? I don't think so. Not even my friends replace that even though I meet them regularly.

 

Yeah, agree that it's possible to create your own home but it also depends on how people define home. For me it depends on whether or not people I love are around. At least one person I love. In the city I live it's extremely difficult with housing. I was forced to move for 17 times during last 8 years. That's 17 places I never called home, 17 different areas of this big city. Having a guy I love with me would make that bearable, but right now...

 

Is it really a recipe for a bad relationship? Friends from homecountry all have that kind of relationships and they're happy.

 

 

---

 

**It starts seeming to me that I would be happy with someone who is slightly codependant...

 

^^Sounds great in theory, problem is, given your history, you don't become attracted to men like that.

 

You are drawn to men who are cold and distant, making it your goal in life to change them and get them to love you.... no matter how badly they're treating you.

 

You need to do some major introspection.... focus on why you are drwan to such men, and why you don't feel "whole" without a man in your life.

 

Until you can do that, not only will you never have a healthy relationship with any man, but you will push every man you *do* get involved with away.

 

Men can sense that type of dependency and neediness in a woman and it is a huge turn off.

Edited June 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Ensam]

Sharing a home with someone you love creates a safe haven in otherwise a strange and inclement invironment, especially in a foreign country. In my case I'm not infatuated with the culture here at all and pretty tired of struggling.

 

Yeah, exactly - there's no way to be 100% responsible for your happiness, especially for those who grew with this kind of mentality. It's just something I can't relate to either. There are risks involved but I'd rather try and fail and get myself into that vulnerable position over and over again rather than having a detached relationship and living separate lives. I tried to convince myself that I'm ok with my recent ex being very independent but I was suffering a little bit everytime he kissed me goodbye and walked out the door, knowing that I won't see him 5 or more days. I wanted to see him more often no matter how busy I was with my own life.

 

Ah, Scandinavian people. Don't know which country you live in, but mine is known the most single households in the world. It speaks volumes about how people value closeness. I also try to date foreigners. My last bf was a latino who was born here, so I thought he will be different. But he seems he got enough social conditioning to become one of the workaholic detached guys.

 

I understand what you're saying. Considering that you are from another culture the scandinavian one must seem very foreign and strange. At the same time people can be warm and friendly here too... and there are some other good things about it as well in my opinion. Maybe you just need to find some things to like about this country. Unless you are tied up to live in the capital cause of work, I would suggest considering moving to a smaller place. I see now we happen to live in the same country (I'm native to it) and I find our capital very stressful and people very preoccupied with work/making a career, I wouldn't want to live there personally at least.

 

At times I tried a more carefree and detached approach to love but I realized it's just not me. I will always be that person that puts it above all else (except for my family). And I will also always be that person that spends time now and then thinking about where things are heading, paying attention to details and noticing subtle changes in the other persons behaviour. So for me to be with a person that is too different from that would be tormenting myself in the long run. And maybe it's the same thing for you. I don't see it as a flaw as long as it doesn't make you depend too much on another person and I haven't gotten the impression that you do.

[Lorenza]

^^Sounds great in theory, problem is, given your history, you don't become attracted to men like that.

 

You are drawn to men who are cold and distant, making it your goal in life to change them and get them to love you....

 

You need to do some major introspection.... focus on why you are drwan to such men, and why you don't feel "whole" without a man in your life.

 

Until you can do that, not only will you never have a healthy relationship with any man, but you will push every man you *do* get involved with away.

 

Men can sense that type of dependency and neediness in a woman and it is a huge turn off.

 

 

I talked to No_Go on another thread and it seems that I'm attracted to guys with high intensity in the beginning and those never seem to keep it up and become cold and negleckting. I think I fall in love with such guys cause I take those flames as indication of something I'm looking for. Mistakingly.

 

I don't feel whole in this country. Don't feel happy, don't feel complete. I miss simplier life, mother, grandparents, cousins, friends with the same mentality. Having a man to love is at least something...

[katiegrl]

I talked to No_Go on another thread and it seems that I'm attracted to guys with high intensity in the beginning and those never seem to keep it up and become cold and negleckting. I think I fall in love with such guys cause I take those flames as indication of something I'm looking for. Mistakingly.

 

I don't feel whole in this country. Don't feel happy, don't feel complete. I miss simplier life, mother, grandparents, cousins, friends with the same mentality. Having a man to love is at least something...

 

Can you move back to your home country then?

 

Franky, until you shed your strong dependency needs, on family, friends, boyfriend... which are just not healthy L, no matter how you want to spin it, you will never be happy.

 

Happiness and security comes from WITHIN first .

 

A man, a relationship should *enhance* your life ..... not *be* your life.

 

That mentality (that a man should be your life) is a recipe for disaster in most cases.

 

But good luck... hope you eventually find what you are searching for

[Lorenza]

So every 6 months you have to move? Really? Why bother even unpacking?

 

No having a guy with you would help you pay the bills. How about looking at doing that yourself instead.

 

I have surrogate sisters, I have my "American Mum and Dad", I have many people who I consider "family" who are not blood relatives.

 

Being codependent really is a bad thing. It is not the same as being part of a team or a partnership.

 

Seriously go and get some counselling or something because you are not going to move forward talking to us. You have an idea set in your head and its not going to move...

 

It's not always every 6 months, sometimes it's 3, sometimes 8. Only once have I lived at one place a whole year. Yeah, I don't have much stuff, would be difficult packing. It's difficult to sign up for a longer lease as the city has problems with housing. I still have at least 5 years to wait until I will get a long term rental appartment.

 

What does it have to do with paying bills? I never had anyone help me with bills, I pay myself.

 

Well sure, in some countries it's easier to connect to people. But not here. This country is known for the most difficult to make friends in. All my friends are foreigners, they come and go. Nobody stays here for too long.

 

I don't think I need counselling for wanting a guy who wants to live with me and create a home together. Especially after just coming out of a relationship with an independant workaholic. I would gladly go back to my home country and the problem would be solved. I was a happy normal girl there. But can't go back because of owning a bussiness and paying off some loans.

[Lorenza]

Can you move back to your home country then?

 

Franky, until you shed your strong dependency needs, on family, friends, boyfriend... which are just not healthy L, no matter how you want to spin it, you will never be happy.

 

Happiness and security comes from WITHIN first .

 

A man, a relationship should *enhance* your life ..... not *be* your life.

 

That mentality (that a man should be your life) is a recipe for disaster in most cases.

 

But good luck... hope you eventually find what you are searching for

 

I can't move back because of loans, bussiness etc. Would be hard to make living with my profession and at the same time pay back foreign loans where I come from.

 

So yeah, I'm moving around, working, having financial responsibilities, studying, having a job I like etc etc. But it doesn't feel like it's enough for me to be happy. Not that a man will be my life, cause it's impossible, but someone who will EAGERLY share life and will be happy to have me around often. Is thar impossible..?

[katiegrl]

So every 6 months you have to move? Really? Why bother even unpacking?

 

No having a guy with you would help you pay the bills. How about looking at doing that yourself instead.

 

I have surrogate sisters, I have my "American Mum and Dad", I have many people who I consider "family" who are not blood relatives.

 

Being codependent really is a bad thing. It is not the same as being part of a team or a partnership.

 

Seriously go and get some counselling or something because you are not going to move forward talking to us. You have an idea set in your head and its not going to move...

 

I agree with this...

 

L, you seem stuck in this very narrow one dimensional mindset... that is completely dysfunctional. Doesn't your history prove that?

 

***Life is about living, learning, growing, evolving....***

 

Instead of doing that, you learn nothing and remain stuck in this narrow mindset where you think you will never feel whole without a man... nor will you ever feel happy without family around.

 

No that is not healthy! And yes you do need therapy.

 

Unless you can figure these things out within yourself, through introspection and reading, but it doesn't appear you are capable of or even want to do that.

[Lorenza]

I understand what you're saying. Considering that you are from another culture the scandinavian one must seem very foreign and strange. At the same time people can be warm and friendly here too... and there are some other good things about it as well in my opinion. Maybe you just need to find some things to like about this country. Unless you are tied up to live in the capital cause of work, I would suggest considering moving to a smaller place. I see now we happen to live in the same country (I'm native to it) and I find our capital very stressful and people very preoccupied with work/making a career, I wouldn't want to live there personally at least.

 

At times I tried a more carefree and detached approach to love but I realized it's just not me. I will always be that person that puts it above all else (except for my family). And I will also always be that person that spends time now and then thinking about where things are heading, paying attention to details and noticing subtle changes in the other persons behaviour. So for me to be with a person that is too different from that would be tormenting myself in the long run. And maybe it's the same thing for you. I don't see it as a flaw as long as it doesn't make you depend too much on another person and I haven't gotten the impression that you do.

 

Yes, the further away from the capital, the warmer and nicer people. But I'm bound to the capital unfortunately... Otherwise I'd gladly move away.

 

I'm also like that. Putting love above everything else (almost). Many posters here say that this isn't good and needs fixing through counselling, but seriously - then 80% of the population of my home country needs counselling in that case. I would be fighting against the very core of me if I tried.

[Lorenza]

I agree with this...

 

L, you seem stuck in this very narrow one dimensional mindset... that is completely dysfunctional. Doesn't your history prove that?

 

***Life is about living, learning, growing, evolving....***

 

Instead of doing that, you learn nothing and remain stuck in this narrow mindset where you think you will never feel whole without a man... nor will you ever feel happy without family around.

 

No that is not healthy! And yes you do need therapy.

 

Unless you can figure these things out within yourself, through introspection and reading, but it doesn't appear you are capable of or even want to do that.

 

I don't know, is it dysfunctional or just old fashioned? All my cousins and friends from the home country have this mindset. You see, I was hiding my true origins so that I wouldn't be recognized on this forum (ex saw me on it and I didn't want to find and recognize me) but in fact I am slavic. We have very different values. I'm even more "open minded" than my circle there since I'm the only one dating different nationalities and aren't married yet. I'm also way more feminist than most women I know from there.

[Ensam]

Many posters here say that this isn't good and needs fixing through counselling, but seriously - then 80% of the population of my home country needs counselling in that case. I would be fighting against the very core of me if I tried.

 

Yeah what is there to fix? Most people unless asexual or aromantical has needs and desires and wants someone in their lives. If this was a complete obsession for you and you didn't have your own life going or couldn't feel happy at all while on your own, that could have been a cause for concern but this doesn't seem to be the case here.

[katiegrl]

I don't know, is it dysfunctional or just old fashioned? All my cousins and friends from the home country have this mindset. You see, I was hiding my true origins so that I wouldn't be recognized on this forum (ex saw me on it and I didn't want to find and recognize me) but in fact I am slavic. We have very different values. I'm even more "open minded" than my circle there since I'm the only one dating different nationalities and aren't married yet. I'm also way more feminist than most women I know from there.

 

So then why did you start this thread then?

 

If you think it is normal, and healthy, you are simply old-fashioned, then what's the problem?

 

Join a dating website and state exactly what you are looking for.

 

Do not settle for less than what you want. If a man starts becoming cold and distant, next him!

 

Easy peasey.

[Lorenza]

So then why did you start this thread then?

 

If you think it is normal, and healthy, you are simply old-fashioned, then what's the problem?

 

Join a dating website and state exactly what you are looking for.

 

Do not settle for less than what you want. If a man starts becoming cold and distant, next him!

 

Easy peasey.

 

I don't know. Guess I do need to change something, since it's not working with the men here. But it makes me deffensive when someone says it's completely dysfunctional to feel the way I feel.

 

Dating sites will have wait for quite a while... I still love my ex very much. But yes, I will do my best not to settle for anyone distant and cold...

[Lorenza]

Yeah what is there to fix? Most people unless asexual or aromantical has needs and desires and wants someone in their lives. If this was a complete obsession for you and you didn't have your own life going or couldn't feel happy at all while on your own, that could have been a cause for concern but this doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

Other things do make me happy. They fill in other spaces in my heart. Like organizing a good concert makes me feel fullfilled in the professional achievement section of my heart. But it has nothing to do with the love section of it. I mean achieving something in music doesn't compensate for love and closeness and so on.