Can't forget her

[The philosophizer]

Hi all,

 

I've always had a really hard time connecting with women. This past winter I was at the end of a relationship that was not filling my needs. Instead of breaking it off then, I went on a blind date with a coworkers step daughter K. I instantly fell for her, and she felt the same for me.

 

We went on a couple dates and she could tell something was off one day. I told her I was at the end of a relationship and was in the process of ending things. She was not happy but told me to do what I had to do. My x had a lot of emotional problems and a death in the family which made it really hard for me to leave at that moment. I had trouble staying away from the new girl K, and still talked with her and set dates up. I canceled on her twice due to guilt and anxiety of the situation. By the time I finally ended things, K had met someone and said she wouldn't meet me. I never got to tell her how I felt about her

 

I know I messed up bad and don't blame her for not giving me another chance. I have never felt so strongly about anyone and I still think about her way too often for how long ago it was. I've been dating someone new for a month and a half. So far she is the best girl I've dated in terms of shared interests and kindness. She's an awesome person and we always have fun together but I don't feel as strongly for her as I did for K. This past weekend she told me she loves me, which really surprised me seeing how early it is in our relationship and the fact I told her where I'm at emotionally and what I went through. Despite this I still think of K, and want to reach out to her again. Today is her bday and I'm thinking of sending her a text but feel it will only complicate matters and I don't want to go through the same thing again.

 

I guess I'm wondering why I still think about her? Is it normal to still think about someone after meeting a new person who is great for me? I am feeling extremely guilty that someone is in love with me and I'm still infatuated with a girl that I didn't even get to know. Thoughts?

[todreaminblue]

hey philo, i am sorry you never got to tell the girl how you really felt about her, but honestly you have to respect she is now with someone and you are too.i do think its common to have disappointments as far as love is concerned...but holding onto regrets ...is a choice you make...that can be unhealthy if you continue to make the same choice with no positive outcome....i hung onto my ex for a long time...with my mind and in my heart...it did me no good...i accept i made that choice to hang on...and i also made the choice to let go....we are friends.....that is the way it was meant to be,he was not for me, had i let it be what it was meant to be...it would have happened much sooner that i let go.....

 

 

...the girl you are with is kind and you get along really well and have shared interests to boot...spend more time in enjoying those shared interests together with your new gf who cares about you...than reminiscing about what could have been if you said something to the girl that got away...it will be hard but you have to occupy your mind and heart on the future not the past...and i wish you well in that endeavour....deb

Edited June 27, 2016 by todreaminblue

[The philosophizer]

Thanks Deb! I know this is what I should do, yet still cling to it for some reason. The chemistry I had with her was so strong that it's hard to forget and move on. I guess I'm feeling guilty that I don't feel as strongly about my current girl friend. Is this normal?

 

I'm not sure if it's because I'm still hurting or because it's just not there with her. The reality is she's better for me than K yet I'm still having trouble letting go. Like I said she's probably the most compatable person I've ever dated, yet I feel something is missing. Perhaps it's just with me not being ready to get hurt again? I guess time will tell. I just don't want to lead her on and hurt her down the road..

[bummer]

I've always had a really hard time connecting with women. ...

 

She's an awesome person and we always have fun together but I don't feel as strongly for her as I did for K. ... I still think of K, and want to reach out to her again.

 

I guess I'm wondering why I still think about her? Is it normal to still think about someone after meeting a new person who is great for me? I am feeling extremely guilty that someone is in love with me and I'm still infatuated with a girl that I didn't even get to know. Thoughts?

 

First, it sounds like women have no trouble connecting to you. Have you considered being single and not rebounding immediately?

 

Second, you dated another girl behind your ex's back as it was ending but didn't end it. Dick move. Hopefully you have learned this is not okay.

 

Third, you're rebounding now with a girl and emotionally cheating on her with K. Dick move. Don't contact her. You'll be propelling your emotional cheating. You lost her.

 

Lastly, yeah everyone wants what they can't have. That's most people grieving here. Normal for you to want K back. But you shouldn't waste anymore of this new girl's time if you haven't finished grieving. New girl says she loves you and you come here to tell us you want to text your ex? I would let new girl more clearly you are still emotionally unavailable and not over your ex. You're making a lopsided relationship which will fail . You should feel guilty. Fix it.

[The philosophizer]

Bummer,

 

I do agree that I acted like a dick and pretty much got what I deserved. I tried to do what was best and everyone involved was hurt. It was totally out of my character and I think that's why I'm still grieving.

 

I told the new girl I've been dating about all this early on and told her I am still hurting emotionally. I've told her multiple times that I need to go slow and where I am at, that's why it was so surprising when she told me she loved me. I was honest in my response telling her I like her a lot and enjoy her company, but I'm still hurt. I definitely should have taken more time to myself, but I met her and like her so I'm trying to go with it. I told her this as well. I have been very honest and upfront with her, and she seems to appreciate that. I'm not trying to repeat sins of the past. I had a discussion with a female friend who is going through something similar now with her bf and male friend who recently professed his love to her. Speaking with her and how she feels brought up old emotions in me. Was just wondering if this is normal to feel. I haven't had many relationships so I'm new to these things and advice I have received from guy friends has not served me well. I realize I'm different from most and can't just throw people to the curb if sow thing better comes along

[bummer]

I realize I'm different from most and can't just throw people to the curb if sow thing better comes along

 

Thanks for clarifying. Maybe new girl likes challenges and thinks she can fix you. I would end it before you crush her heart. Do you honestly feel you are being fair to new girl? I know you're probably nice and caring but the end game for this ends poorly for her. Youthful experience I guess.

 

Your grieving is normal. Grieve.

 

Your last sentence. Not to beat you up, but you literally dumped a girl when K came along. You jumped ship into the next boat easily. I have marginal sympathy for your pain.

[The philosophizer]

Actually I didn't but you don't know the whole story. The events are way more complex than what I have written. The x would not commit to me, so my friends all told Me to date other people. I didn't see a problem with this until I fell for someone else and the x hit hard times. If I threw her to the curb I'd probably be with k. I admit I was a dick and as I said I pretty much got what I deserved. I chose to comfort someone who o cared about yet knew wasn't going anywhere over going to the girl I fell for. I know my actions were ****ty but I'm not heartless. I haven't had many relationships and it's very hard working through all this **** as an adult in his early 30s, especially when I look to others for advice who imo are somewhat heartless and selfish.

 

As for the new girl, yes I have acted selfishly and told her so. That doesn't mean it won't work out. I've been very honest with her and she has been so with me. She has her faults as well and clearly

Thinks I'm worth the risk. Time will tell where is goes

[bummer]

I admit I was a dick and as I said I pretty much got what I deserved. I chose to comfort someone who o cared about yet knew wasn't going anywhere over going to the girl I fell for.

 

My apologies then. Lesson learned about being the nice guy in a failed relationship then?

 

Joust be fair to the new girl knowing she is really falling for you and you cannot reciprocate now.

[The philosophizer]

Thank you. I am ashamed for not ending it before dating other people. I am proud of the fact I stood by her in tough times, even though she wasn't really good to me. She was a very sweet person who had been through a lot, and perhaps I expected too much from her. She was the first girl I opened up to in 5 years after a college heart break, and I still care for her a lot. It's been hard to face the fact that I lost someone I connected with so deeply and another who I truly did care about. Many people told me that being honest or being nice was my problem, but I refuse to change that about myself. I think that's why women are attracted to me, they see I'm genuine and caring - a rare trait for most these days.

 

I've been very upfront with the new girl I've been dating. Her professing her love to me has thrown me off a lot, especially since I told her on multiple occasions we need to go very slow but I appreciate her honesty. It's been going extremely well, and I don't want to blow it with her too. I lost the last one because I was stuck in the past and don't intend on making the same mistakes again. I will talk with her again next time I see her and tell her where I'm at again. She is the first girl I've dated that every date is better than anticipated and expectations are always exceeded. It may be selfish of me, but I am going to keep going with her and see how it turns out. Being the nice guy lost K, who in retrospect definitely had some character flaws. Maybe this is the reward of being the nice guy? Someone who is better every time is see them

[The philosophizer]

@Bummer - there were many hard lessons learned from that one. As I said, being so late to the dating relationship game is very hard. I'm working my way through things most figure out in college or even high school. It's not easy at all, but I'm not going to turn cynical or jaded. The last debacle was mostly my fault and I realize how I acted and what I should have done. My main question was is it normal to still have feelings for someone this long afterwards? I'm a bit obsessive and it takes me a very long time to get over things, especially when I see myself at fault. I guess I just wondering how people feel about chemistry and when you're over something. If it's there is it there, or do you need to be ready to feel it again?

[Ensam]

I think it's perfectly normal to think about people you have been infatuated with from time to time. If it was that easy to erase them off your mind, they never were that important in the first place. Some people we don't even forget in a lifetime, just having known them once is enough to keep them with us in some way for the rest of our lives.

 

What matters is if it is affecting your ability to enter a new relationship/develop feelings for another person.

[bummer]

I'm a bit obsessive and it takes me a very long time to get over things, especially when I see myself at fault. I guess I just wondering how people feel about chemistry and when you're over something. If it's there is it there, or do you need to be ready to feel it again?

 

Time is relative to you and your healing process. I'm two months out from being dumped (some things my fault including talking to an ex) and I see a longer road still.

 

For chemistry, you have to be there and ready. That's chemistry, a deep connection where both parties are in that moment. When one or the other isn't ready emotionally, you can't make it work. You can connect, but not deeply because a part of you is somewhere else grieving.

[tndawg]

What is it about this new girl that interests you? You mentioned shared interests and that you really feel a connection with her. It sounds like you have been upfront and honest with her from day one. Bravo! That's your best move yet. What do you want in a relationship? Have you looked for any books or resources that talk about how to maintain and build healthy relationships?

[The philosophizer]

Tndawg, she is smart, sexy, adventurous and we have intellectual conversation. She has pretty much everything j am looking for, yet I still long for K. I never felt chemistry that strong with anyone, and I know it sounds corny but it felt like we were meant for one another. I guess this is what I still clinging to, but our personalities meshed so well, especially our sense of humor.

 

The reality is the new girl M is nicer and more mature than K, and really she's a better person all around. I just don't feel that deep chemistry that I did with K, and it bothers me a bit. Maybe it's just because I'm not ready to feel it again? I guess I'm just struggling with this. M is the best girl I've ever dated yet it feels as if something is missing. I guess time will tell

 

I haven't read many books on relationships, and as I said I'm pretty late to the relationship game. Have any you would suggest?

[bummer]

I hope for your sake M is as patient as she sounds so you can work through lingering feelings and be more open with time.

 

For books, I recommend listening to yourself. Your intuition knows how best to proceed. Just be quiet sometimes and listen. I forget this book often.

[tndawg]

Here's a site I have used for a lot of relationship issues, whether they be with family or dating. Check it out. Find Answers