Dates + hookup, what now with Dating Rules?

[chriscwashere]

Here's the situation:

 

Met a woman online.

She just moved to this city to take a job.

We hit it off extremely well. Great chemistry.

Fun first date.

 

Two days later, we had another date. (Second date)

We continued to hit it off well... We have similar sense of humor and laughed all night. We ended up hooking up, and I stayed over at her place.

 

Afterwards, we both acknowledged that was a bit fast for us. But we enjoyed it.

 

Three days later, she invited me over to her place. (Third date)

We hung out, watched tv, and cuddled. Continued to hit it off. Attraction escalating.

 

The next day (Fourth date), we had an amazing dinner and drinks.

Talked about how she is looking for a serious relationship..but she is still dating. (But not sleeping with them.) We hooked up again that night...and I slept over at her place.

 

After the 4th date, I had my kids over the weekend (I'm divorced). So she knew she couldn't see me for a few days.

 

I was driven a little crazy thinking she was on dates with other people on the weekend, to be honest! However, Saturday night at 9:30pm, she texted and asked me when I was dropping off the kids on Sunday. She asked if I'd like to see her after.

 

We made plans for Sunday, and it made me happy she thought about me on a Saturday night when I imagined she'd be out with other guys. (She still could've been, haha...)

 

The next day arrives...

 

A few hours before our date, she texts me.

 

And she says: "Hey! Can we reschedule? I didn't get to run this morning so I'm going to go tonight."

 

It took me by surprise. I was gracious. But no alternate dates were given. And I didn't ask for now...

 

She does start her new job tomorrow. So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt a bit...

 

But this just seems weird. Why text me on a Saturday night (when I thought she'd be out on other dates anyway) to make plans for Sunday, and then break it the next day?

 

Her "need to run at night" excuse sounds a little weak.

 

I know it's only been a few dates, but we've really hit it off...

And I like her a lot. I feel that we have a deep connection.

 

Any thoughts as to what's going on, and how I should proceed?

Has anyone really rescheduled a date with someone they were crazy about to run???

 

Just don't want to come off as too eager, even though I am crazy about her...Feels a lot more than 4 dates to me at this point.

 

Thanks for all your thoughts and advice!

[joseb]

I think it's a bit leap to assume she is "crazy about" you.

You have had a few dates and a fair bit of sex.

She is still dating others.

I can't imagine someone would be dating others if they were crazy about you.

Now that's not to say she isn't in to you, just she is still unsure or maybe she is just enjoying the sex.

 

Now, as to the run, it might be true. Is she a big runner? Like pretty competitive?

 

Could be she had a late date Saturday so missed a run.

 

I would say put her in the back burner and date others

 

Or

 

Tell her you would like to become exclusive.

[LostOnes05]

That is among the Top 5 lamest excuses I've ever heard for rescheduling a date. I would've told her not to forget her nightvision goggles and promptly deleted her number. If you're going to lie to me, at least make it something semi-believable. She has 24 hrs/day and 7 days/week to find time to run but she chose your date night as the perfect time to do so (Obviously, I'm speaking from looking outside in. I'd probably be just as flabbergasted by her decision if I were in the situation)?

 

Basically she said RUN >>>> YOU. That's no good, particularly because she suggested meeting up and cancelled a few hours before the date. Don't go out of your way to contact her. If she does contact you, set up a date but let her know that you didn't appreciate the last minute cancellation (which I would've said right then)...you could've made other plans, your time is valuable, etc. One thing I've learned is that you might as well say what you want because if you don't, it'll bother you later on and they can only accept and respect your fowardness.

 

**If I was thinking with the witty, humorous side of my brain at the time, the conversation would've gone something like this...

 

Her: "Hey! Can we reschedule? I didn't get to run this morning so I'm going to go tonight."

 

You: Only if you're training to run a marathon for charity? Otherwise, I'll see you at 9 (smiley face, if you use those).

 

Her: But, I really want to get this run in tonight.

 

You: Well, you could run to the place and meet me...two birds...one stone.

 

Her: Haha, very funny.

 

You: Seriously though, I'm not really a fan of last minute cancellations for something like that. Anyway, give me a call when you're available to reschedule...fair warning though, I might be busy washing my hair or doing laundry (smiley).

 

I need to save my response so that I can remember when this happens to me again. Also, I just wrote out a full conversation with myself...fml

[PegNosePete]

She cancelled your date with only a few hours notice, to go jogging?

 

It is clear where her priorities lie. She is perfectly happy to cancel a date with you, with just a few hours notice, to go jogging instead.

 

I would have told her to jog on.

[chriscwashere]

Wow, thanks for the great replies, everyone.

 

Have to admit I may be blinded by her and gave her benefit of the doubt... I got a bad gut feel when she sent the "need to go jogging" text. But I held back what I really want to say.

 

I know the general advice is for me to toss her number and move on.

But I do like her and want to see where this takes. (Even become exclusive if she'd like.)

 

What's the best way to take the lead and yet not come off as needy?

 

Question:

 

Her first day work work is today.

Should I text her "Have a good first day at work" and reschedule for days when she's free?

 

Or should I not text at all today and see if she contacts me at all?

 

I've been dating a few months, and this is the first person I've felt a genuine, real connection with. (On my end anyway! )

Maybe I'm just way more invested than she is...

 

Thanks again!

[leogirl876]

No, don't text her. She ditched you a couple hours before for someone or something else. You texting her will make you look like a pushover and desperate. I know it's really hard when you think you found someone you've made a connection with, but keep it moving.

[phineas]

She cancelled your date with only a few hours notice, to go jogging?

 

It is clear where her priorities lie. She is perfectly happy to cancel a date with you, with just a few hours notice, to go jogging instead.

 

I would have told her to jog on.

 

She ain't jogging.

She's getting stuffed by someone she likes better.

sorry op.

 

time to get "busy" and stop being "happy" just because she wants to see you.

Let her come to you and don't be so eager to see her.

 

She knows what she did and now it's time to let her know YOU know without actually saying or calling her out.

That's how sadly the game works these days.

Edited June 28, 2016 by phineas

[chriscwashere]

Thanks Leogirl876 and phineas.

 

Yeah, it's hard not to text today.

 

The imagery of her getting stuffed by someone she likes better is pretty vivid.... Hahah...

 

I do like her a lot.

If she doesn't text today, I'll do it tomorrow and see how it goes.

If that doesn't work well, then I'll move on.

 

It's difficult to find people I like. So my hopeless romantic side wants one more shot at it.

 

Here's the thing:

If I like someone a lot, I wouldn't care how much she texted me.

If I didn't like the person, no amount of intrigue will lure me in anyway.

(Or if it does, it won't last very long.)

 

That said, if I were really into someone, I would never ditch her over some lame excuse.

 

And Btw -- I did break off another date 3 hours before I saw this girl I'm crazy about (the third date when she invited me over last second) ... So honestly, it's probably Dating Karma kicking my butt. But I only did it because I was so drawn in...I would be exclusive with her.

[Dis]

Ok...I have alittle bit of a different opinion....from a woman's perspective

 

I think many people here expect perfection from the person they're dating

 

People arent perfect....expecting the person your dating to never disappoint you is setting yourself up for failure

 

Yes there are red flags that shouldnt be ignored and yes people turn out to be douche bags...not taking away from any of that...we should never allow ourselves to be treated poorly or to turn a blind eye

 

What I'm saying is give her another chance....you can do one of two things right now

 

#1-Drive yourself crazy making assumptions...coming to the assumed conclusion that she's banging someone else when she was supposed to go out with you

 

#2-Stop thinking about things so much and give her a chance to prove through her actions that she's into you and wants to move forward

 

I dont think her canceling to go out on a jog is a red flag (a lame excuse but not a red flag)

 

Some people really value their personal time. Shes also starting a new job so maybe she felt the need to get her exercise time in before it starts

 

Let her contact you...when she does...pick up where you left off...clean slate and if things go well for a week or two...

 

Lock her down! Ask her to be exclusive! I've seen too many guys on this forum go the passive route and end up disappointed

 

If she really wants what you want...she'll say yes. If she says no...then you know there was no future with her

 

Spare yourself the needless worries..... be direct and stop over thinking

 

Best of luck to you hun!

[KathL]

How about just be direct and ask her if she wants to be exclusive?

[tinkerbell16]

Here's the situation:

 

Met a woman online.

She just moved to this city to take a job.

We hit it off extremely well. Great chemistry.

Fun first date.

 

Two days later, we had another date. (Second date)

We continued to hit it off well... We have similar sense of humor and laughed all night. We ended up hooking up, and I stayed over at her place.

 

Afterwards, we both acknowledged that was a bit fast for us. But we enjoyed it.

 

Three days later, she invited me over to her place. (Third date)

We hung out, watched tv, and cuddled. Continued to hit it off. Attraction escalating.

 

The next day (Fourth date), we had an amazing dinner and drinks.

Talked about how she is looking for a serious relationship..but she is still dating. (But not sleeping with them.) We hooked up again that night...and I slept over at her place.

 

After the 4th date, I had my kids over the weekend (I'm divorced). So she knew she couldn't see me for a few days.

 

I was driven a little crazy thinking she was on dates with other people on the weekend, to be honest! However, Saturday night at 9:30pm, she texted and asked me when I was dropping off the kids on Sunday. She asked if I'd like to see her after.

 

We made plans for Sunday, and it made me happy she thought about me on a Saturday night when I imagined she'd be out with other guys. (She still could've been, haha...)

 

The next day arrives...

 

A few hours before our date, she texts me.

 

And she says: "Hey! Can we reschedule? I didn't get to run this morning so I'm going to go tonight."

 

It took me by surprise. I was gracious. But no alternate dates were given. And I didn't ask for now...

 

She does start her new job tomorrow. So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt a bit...

 

But this just seems weird. Why text me on a Saturday night (when I thought she'd be out on other dates anyway) to make plans for Sunday, and then break it the next day?

 

Her "need to run at night" excuse sounds a little weak.

 

I know it's only been a few dates, but we've really hit it off...

And I like her a lot. I feel that we have a deep connection.

 

Any thoughts as to what's going on, and how I should proceed?

Has anyone really rescheduled a date with someone they were crazy about to run???

 

Just don't want to come off as too eager, even though I am crazy about her...Feels a lot more than 4 dates to me at this point.

 

Thanks for all your thoughts and advice!

 

She starts her new job in the morning maybe running is her main way of distressing. It honestly doesn't sound that lame for somebody who is into running. Just move forward with open ears and eyes and if you want to be exclusive talk about exclusivity.

[tinkerbell16]

She ain't jogging.

She's getting stuffed by someone she likes better.

sorry op.

 

time to get "busy" and stop being "happy" just because she wants to see you.

Let her come to you and don't be so eager to see her.

 

She knows what she did and now it's time to let her know YOU know without actually saying or calling her out.

That's how sadly the game works these days.

 

Now give this one a chance not everybody's playing the game. Coming from somebody who really values her Fitness time I could see this being plausible. Especially if she was starting a new job the next day. It's possible she was trying to reduce stress and get her thoughts together for the day ahead. She's got to be some kind of Superwoman to be getting "stuffed" ( did you guys seriously call it that?) by multiple guys the day before she starts a new job. Unless her new job is a pornstar.

[Mrin]

I am in the "who knows" camp. Honestly, if she is multi-dating she might have just needed a dude detox. The only suspicious thing is that she didn't press for a reschedule time when she cancelled.

[chriscwashere]

Thanks so much everyone...

She didn't text today...

 

I did go out on a fun date tonight.

And have another date tomorrow night as well.

 

Lining things up to take my mind off her.

 

But the truth is that I would rather be just with her...

 

I waited a day. Will text her tomorrow and ask her out.

 

If it's not going to work, I'd rather know now.

Hate the lingering feeling... Too much energy to spend.

 

Wish me luck. Let's see what happens.

[joseb]

If you text her, ask her out. No "hey how's your day" texts, that will push her away further if she is on the fence and/or focusing on others.

If you send a direct and confident text asking her out, she may well agree.

[phineas]

She starts her new job in the morning maybe running is her main way of distressing. It honestly doesn't sound that lame for somebody who is into running. Just move forward with open ears and eyes and if you want to be exclusive talk about exclusivity.

 

I'm sorry but no woman who wants to be with a guy would blow off a date to "jog".

I recently dropped 45 lbs.

Calorie counting lifting , and cardio daily . 3 lbs a week.

I sure as chit would skip one workout that week to go on a date with someone I was into.

Someone I wasn't? Not so much.

I would also come up with a better excuse than I had to workout and I'd reschedule.

 

Op hasnt told us she isnt a competitive runner so I seriously doubt " jogging" is that important.

 

Also op has come back and said she hasn't contacted him. So yeah I call flake on her part and stand by it.

She may come back but only if her other options don't pan out.

[Satu]

*snip

I know it's only been a few dates, but we've really hit it off...

And I like her a lot. *I feel that we have a deep connection.

 

 

*Has she led you to believe that she feels the same way?

 

What has she said?

[PegNosePete]

I think many people here expect perfection from the person they're dating

Not perfection. Just basic decency and respect.

 

If someone makes a date with me, I expect them to keep if possible, but I accept that there are many reasons that they may not be able to. I would not hold it against them if they had a family emergency, if their babysitter let them down, if they were in a car accident, if they got their purse stolen, if their pet had to go for emergency gland unblocking, etc etc. There are many, many forms of "imperfection" that I would totally accept and be cool with.

 

But "going jogging" is not one of them. That is an absolutely pathetic reason to cancel a date at short notice. It says that she has no respect for me, my time, or for our budding relationship. I would not give someone another chance if they did this to me. Well maybe if they came back the next day with apologies and rescheduling offers. MAYBE. But she has not. She blew him off to go jogging and apparently didn't even bat an eyelid. NEXT.

[chriscwashere]

Ok. I will text her today.

 

Yes, I agree her excuse was lame.

(It's getting more lame as I reflect upon it.)

 

That said, she has a jogging routine every day. And she even eats the same food after the jogging every day... She's a very routine-driven person.

 

(Not excusing her... just my optimist-side giving her benefit of the doubt)

 

 

@Joseb: yes, I'll be direct and confident and just ask her out. I've been communicate this way with her anyway.

 

@Satu: "Has she led you to believe that she feels the same way?"

Great question. Maybe so, maybe not.

It could be just all in my head...

 

When I'm with someone and there is so much banter, so much smiling, and so much physical chemistry, I could mistake that as "connection."

 

People define connection differently. Maybe she thinks I'm just that funny + sexy dude she likes to hang with once in a while.

 

One context that may shed more light:

 

We are 10 years apart in age. She's in her early 30's. I'm in my early 40's. We have different life goals. She wants tons of babies. And dating a single parent with 2 kids (even part-time) is probably not her top choice. She has conveyed this. There's a chance that the situation is making her very uncomfortable, as my 2 kids were with me this weekend.

 

Anyway! Will text today. Thank you all again for your thoughts and advice.

[Sweetgirl28]

Did it ever occur to you that she may not be interested in a divorced father? When did you mention this to her?

 

Speaking from my own experience and not wanting to sound harsh, I went out with a guy for a while too. I had met him on okc. According to his profile, he didn't have kids and was single (never married). After date 3, I found out he was divorced father of one. That instantly turned me off since I am not ready to be a mother, let alone someone's stepmother and having to "share" my boyfriend.

 

May sound harsh but that's how I see it.

[Sweetgirl28]

One context that may shed more light:

 

We are 10 years apart in age. She's in her early 30's. I'm in my early 40's. We have different life goals. She wants tons of babies. And dating a single parent with 2 kids (even part-time) is probably not her top choice. She has conveyed this. There's a chance that the situation is making her very uncomfortable, as my 2 kids were with me this weekend.

 

Anyway! Will text today. Thank you all again for your thoughts and advice.

 

Ok, I didn't read this before I posted. Now, I'm 100% sure that being a single father is a big turn off.

 

Honestly, whenever a guy that I like wants to hang out, I would go for it but when I come to find out he is divorced AND a father, that's an instant turn off for me. To put it more politely; I'm not looking for a family that has already started without me.

 

Make sense?

 

For your reference, I'm 28.

[chriscwashere]

I texted her this morning, and she got back to me within an hour.

I asked her out for tomorrow night, and she said yes.

 

Now she can still flake... and if she does, I know it'll really be over.

But I will stay positive and go for it.

 

@sweetgirl28 : I totally get where you're coming from. You don't sound too harsh.

 

I told her that I'm a divorced father during our first date. During our second date, she brought it up as a concern. I get that people are turned off by this.

 

Maybe we keep seeing each other because of the crazy chemistry, but rationally she's not happy. But who knows...

 

Question:

Assuming I see her tomorrow, how should I proceed?

Bring up the the "jogging reschedule" incident? Or just let it go?

[SmartDude]

I texted her this morning, and she got back to me within an hour.

I asked her out for tomorrow night, and she said yes.

 

Now she can still flake... and if she does, I know it'll really be over.

But I will stay positive and go for it.

 

@sweetgirl28 : I totally get where you're coming from. You don't sound too harsh.

 

I told her that I'm a divorced father during our first date. During our second date, she brought it up as a concern. I get that people are turned off by this.

 

Maybe we keep seeing each other because of the crazy chemistry, but rationally she's not happy. But who knows...

 

Question:

Assuming I see her tomorrow, how should I proceed?

Bring up the the "jogging reschedule" incident? Or just let it go?

 

I would let the jogging thing go.

 

Don't be surprised if she sees you as just a booty call because of the age difference + kids.

[joseb]

OP, do you want "tons" of kids??

 

If not, then you know this isn't a long term thing, so just enjoy it as some good fun while it lasts.

[jen1447]

You're in a tough spot OP ....you allowed a kinda lame/weird cancellation excuse and then you ran to her afterward to set another date. Not trying to be mean but that looks and feels a bit weak, so chances are her respect level for you has dropped. She's wearing the proverbial pants now.

 

It may be this is all just a bit of fun and if so that's fine, but don't be surprised if you get postponed again ....and again ....and whenever it's convenient for her to 'go jogging.' Problem is you look like a whiner if you say sth about it now after the fact, so it can't get fixed too well either.