submit your : Justified Jealousy; Friends with Ex (not sex-ex)

[Anna Mouse]

After a recent break-up, I have been reading information online, about male jealousy of females remaining friends with an ex. There seem to be two very distinct camps: Those who see it as perfectly fine, and those who say that no good can come of it.

 

I would like to get the opinions from this community on the topic in general, and as it relates to my particular break-up. When replying, I would be appreciative if you would please post your age and gender (if it is not obvious)

 

First, let me define the term "ex", as anyone whom one has gone on a date with, and sex-ex as anyone with whom one has gotten naked with. This terminology isn't correct, but I will use it for the sake of this post.

 

My particular situation was as follows: In 2010, I went on about six dates with George. Two of these dates were weekend trips, in which we slept in the same beds. The rest of the dates were "traditional" (hang out for a few hours, then each go home). George and I were never naked together. The extent of our physical relationship never went beyond snuggling and one awkward make-out session.

 

After these approx. 6 dates, I told George that I was no longer interested dating him - it just wasn't a good match, and I did not feel any chemistry. Ever since, George and I have been friends. We were involved in the same Meet-Up group, and have many mutual friends. He has helped me out a lot around my house with "handy-man" things (he always offered - I think I only requested his help once or twice). We are friends on FB. We have discussed his various romantic relationships along the way, and every once in a while, I will share mine with him.

 

Now, fast-forward to 2015 (two relationships later). I moved to a town about two and a half hours away. I met a few men on Match.com, including Chris. Before I had even met Chris, I had decided from his profile, that he was out of my league. He was GORGEOUS, and he had pics posted with beautiful young women around him. But, I was new in town, and wanted to make some new friends, so we met once, and that was it - I soon met James, whom I was in a relationship with for about a year. After James and I broke up, I contacted Chris again, JUST AS FRIENDS at first, but as I got to know him better, I started having feelings for him. I was still going on dates, as I wasn't sure of his feelings for me. As we were getting to know each other, he stated that he never wanted to hear about, or meet the exes of a girl he was dating, and that when he was dating someone, out of respect, he did not have contact with any of his exes.

 

Well, one morning (after I had stayed at his place - me in his bed, him on the sofa), he kissed me - intimately. From that point on, we spent a lot of time together, and developed feelings for one another. We eventually became physically intimate, having oral sex (both directions).

 

Prior to he and I becoming romantic, George and I had made plans for him to come visit. I told Chris about George's visit, explaining that arrangements had been made prior to our becoming romantically involved. He seemed as though he understood, and may not have been happy about it, but said nothing else.

 

Fast forward a few weeks, and it is time for George to visit. There was a mix-up in communication, and Chris not only didn't know the visit was the following day, but he thought the visit wasn't happening at all! So as I was leaving that Friday night (after a WONDERFUL day and evening together), I mentioned that George was coming the following day (which, in my mind, Chris knew about). Chris became very upset, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to cancel on George at the last minute. Knowing his position on respect, I told him, SINCERELY, that I meant absolutely no disrespect. He said that he believed that I did not view what I was doing as disrespectful, but asked me to think about how he felt - me running off to go on a "date" with an ex. It was late, and I was flustered, so I left, leaving things un-settled - I didn't understand where all of this was coming from!

 

As soon as I got home that night, I wrote the following text: "Chris, thank you so much for a fun day, and a lovely evening - it was amazing beyond words! You are the ONE AND ONLY in my heart. George means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to me, beyond our friendship. You are more than welcome to join us, and witness for yourself. I did not love George, and I was never in love with George. I can not, in honesty, say the same things about my feelings for you. This was all planned before you and I blossomed into anything romantic. I keep my commitments - at times even to my own detriment. I hope I don't loose you over this, for that would be a dear price to pay, indeed."

 

The next day, George came - not word from Chris. The following day, George left (I had slept in the guest bed, he had slept in my room) - no word from Chris all day. After 44 hours of post-tiff agony, I finally called him. He had been infuriated by my text because I KNEW how he felt about him meeting an ex. He said that he was not a controlling man, but that he wanted to be "First, second and (either third, or last - I don't remember)" The call did not go well, and in the end, he said that he could not be with someone who kept in contact with an ex (or possibly even had male friends), and I said that I could not be with someone who made me choose between my friends and him. I asked him at least once if this was something we could get through, and he said no. So, I told him (for the first time), that I loved him, and said goodbye.

 

From re-kindling the friendship with Christ, to the break-up was a little less than a month, but a very intense month.

 

Please share your opinions on his reaction. Thanks!

[steppero]

You bought this on yourself. He had every right to react the way he did. Any guy would regardless of if u are just "friends" or not.

[LD1990]

You two just weren't compatible based on your wildly different viewpoints.

 

I'm a 26-year-old man, since you asked. Personally, I'm against exes remaining friends, or even staying in contact if they don't have children together. It's an awkward situation for any new significant others that come along (as you saw). And there are typically still feelings there, at least for one person.

 

If I'm in your boyfriend's shoes, here's what I'm thinking about this whole situation: you dumped George and put him in the friendzone. He's probably still attracted to you, and is hanging around in hopes of things changing. Do I want some guy who's attracted to my girlfriend hanging out with her or worse, spending the night at her place? Absolutely not.

[Anna Mouse]

If I'm in your boyfriend's shoes, here's what I'm thinking about this whole situation: you dumped George and put him in the friendzone. He's probably still attracted to you, and is hanging around in hopes of things changing. Do I want some guy who's attracted to my girlfriend hanging out with her or worse, spending the night at her place? Absolutely not.

 

Why does this make you uncomfortable? Do you not trust your girlfriend in this scenario?

[LD1990]

Why does this make you uncomfortable? Do you not trust your girlfriend in this scenario?

 

It has nothing to do with trust. I think it's inappropriate. Just like if I had a girlfriend and she was planning to go out to dinner with an ex, I'd think it was inappropriate. Dinner, sleepovers, those are couples activities.

 

It's just a weird scenario you had going on here, and I can see why your boyfriend decided to end things. This other guy slept in your bed while you took the guest room? Wouldn't it make more sense for him to take the guest room? If I was in this guest's shoes, I definitely wouldn't want to take a woman's bed while I was a guest in her home.

[juniorrocha]

As a 25 y/o man, I don't see it as a problem. You should trust the girl you're with.

 

In my opinion, you only have reasons to be jealous IF the girl/guy you're with is making some move on the other one, because afterall your partner is who you should be concerned about. And sometimes that's just very clear to see. I do understand that it's a little awkward, but had he accepted your invite for him to get to know the guy or even stay with you during these days, this wouldn't be a problem anymore, I guess.

 

I suppose, however, that one of his boundaries is that his girlfriend shouldn't have contact with their exes, or male friends, etc. That's not something you can change. You either accept it, or you find someone who will accept you that way. Personally that wouldn't be a problem for me. But I'm not him so yeah.

Edited June 27, 2016 by juniorrocha

[bummer]

29 m. I thought it was okay until my last ex who had a list of past infidelity issues with boyfriends and their exes.

 

Even if I feel my ex situations are mutually platonic and friends only, out of learned RESPECT, I will not contact an ex without checking with a current partner and will likely avoid the interaction altogether for simplicity. The friendships for me are so distant its not worth the trouble.

[hestheone66]

I'm a 50 yo female in a relationship but live apart.

I have posted similar opinions on similar threads.

I make the following observations. In the case of the OP, her dating partner Chris is way out of line and is in fact controlling given they are still in the getting to know phase of dating.

However, I also respect him for having expectations and boundaries. It is clear that OP did nothing wrong and has integrity not to fold in her loyalty to George who cannot be construed as her ex, clearly.

I don't think they are compatible but the OP, having decided Chris was 'out of her league ' was willing to ignore red flag due to ego being flattered.

 

I'm involved with a lovely non controlling man who would do anything to keep me happy. He's become good friends with one of my exes. I perceived him to be way out of my league, but he sees me in the same way!

Keep on to your life and do what makes you happy especially if you are being made to give up on good friends for the sake of someone else's insecurities. Your happiness and your boundaries are worth it ..

[Anna Mouse]

Even if I feel my ex situations are mutually platonic and friends only, out of learned RESPECT, I will not contact an ex without checking with a current partner and will likely avoid the interaction altogether for simplicity. The friendships for me are so distant its not worth the trouble.

 

Just to be 100% clear, your exes in this case include someone with whom you went on a handful of dates with, and with whom nothing beyond making out happened? Or were they full-fledged romantic relationships?

 

It's great that you were "lucky" enough not to have those relationships matter so much to you, and therefore they did not get in the way. And I think it is very noble of you to take her feelings into consideration. But if I may ask, do you think you would have been as willing to give up an ex with whom you had a relatively close, long-term friendship with?

[Anna Mouse]

I make the following observations. In the case of the OP, her dating partner Chris is way out of line and is in fact controlling given they are still in the getting to know phase of dating.

 

What I hear you saying is that if our relationship had been past the "getting to know you stage", and the same situation occurred, then you would not consider him to be out of line and controlling? Is that correct?

 

Thanks for the advice and encouragement to live life on my terms! . I'm glad you have found someone with whom you are happy

[hestheone66]

I think he's controlling regardless if it was a getting to know you phase or serious long term ex. But given that it was former he is not only controlling but irrational given that his problem was with your loyalty to a non ex.

[guest569]

It isn't necessarily a trust issue. Every situation is going to be different but you should be aware that a lot of people wont be happy with this sort of situation. Honestly, it sounds like a lot of drama and I can see why he got out of it.

[Anna Mouse]

From my perspective, it feels like he is the one that brought on the drama. If I understand you correctly, in your opinion, I am the one that brought it on?

 

Thank you,

Anna