dgiirl Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Ok, this might sound crazy, but anytime I'm apart from my stbxh I relapse into missing him, the perfect man, the man that I'm in love with. But anytime I'm actually in contact with my stbxh, I have no feelings for him. I dont recognize the guy that I see. He's a complete stranger, and I feel accepting of the break up for a few days. Then I relapse again, and start crying. I actually need my stbxh around to remember that he's an ass. I wish I could videotape him when I see him just so I can play it back when I relapse. I also dont understand how I could never have seen the way he treated me. Am I crazy? Did the guy I fall in love with actually exist? Or did I just make the whole thing up?
Craig Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl Ok, this might sound crazy, but anytime I'm apart from my stbxh I relapse into missing him, the perfect man, the man that I'm in love with. But anytime I'm actually in contact with my stbxh, I have no feelings for him. I dont recognize the guy that I see. He's a complete stranger, and I feel accepting of the break up for a few days. Then I relapse again, and start crying. I actually need my stbxh around to remember that he's an ass. I wish I could videotape him when I see him just so I can play it back when I relapse. I also dont understand how I could never have seen the way he treated me. Am I crazy? Did the guy I fall in love with actually exist? Or did I just make the whole thing up? It sounds normal to me but maybe that's because I've had a slightly similar experience. Everything you say fits my situation to a t except I kept a diary when the STBXW and I were together to remind me of how awful things were if I should ever have the urge to get back in contact with her. I have urges to see her again, think about what could have so easily been, get angry at how I was deceived by her and sometimes would like to see her but remain steadfast in my resolution to maintain NC--it ain't easy sometimes. On those occaisions when it is necessary to break NC I'm polite, respectful and almost business like with her. I don't care to know her anymore but I don't let her see that and I don't let her see my pain. I used to beat myself up for not seeing the real her too. My over used line to myself was "how could I get myself into a situation like this!" Now I am more focused on healing myself and getting my life back. Did the guy you fell in love with actually exist? Maybe he did but he doesn't exist anymore and what used to be doesn't count anymore. Best wishes Craig
moimeme Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Make a list of all the things he did that were awful and all the things you dislike about him. Review it every time you are tempted to think well of him. As for who you fell in love with; we 'fall in love' too often during the early phase of a relationship when our body chemistry is conspiring to handicap our thinking processes and when the object of our affections is on his best behaviour, before we've seen all the real bad qualities (if there are any to be seen). By the time the negatives emerge, it's too late - we're hooked. And we keep thinking that the person we first knew and the way we first felt was 'real' and that if only (insert condition X here), then the relationship will return to how it was in the beginning. However the beginning is not the real standard by which to judge. The relationship after a year or so is the real standard. If you managed to marry before the year or were hopelessly hooked before then, then you likely married still hoping it would 'get back to how it used to be'. It's when the realization hits that it will never again be 'like it used to be' in a very negative way that sometimes people finally leave.
greenhorn Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 The relationships that last are the ones where the person in head matches the real person. It is very dififcult to comprehend a person when we are dating or not living together. The real person is known only after a year or couple of years or may be the person had certain bad qualities which were not revealed in the initial years. It happens with many people, they miss their ex but the moment they think about how their ex treated them they don't miss them. Unfortunately falling in love is such a risky thing ; of all the things on Earth you can never be sure of a person. Lucky are those whose intial assessment of a person holds true even after years. I actually need my stbxh around to remember that he's an ass love this line of yours
Author dgiirl Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by Craig but remain steadfast in my resolution to maintain NC--it ain't easy sometimes. Yeah, I'm totally maintaining NC. It is very hard, but it's becoming easier and easier. On those occaisions when it is necessary to break NC I'm polite, respectful and almost business like with her. I don't care to know her anymore but I don't let her see that and I don't let her see my pain. I'm the same. I actually had to see him in person this past weekend, and I think I did pretty well. I was actually looking at the guy and didnt recognize him at all. I used to beat myself up for not seeing the real her too. My over used line to myself was "how could I get myself into a situation like this!" Now I am more focused on healing myself and getting my life back. I think the hardest thing is, he doesnt do anything specific that is mean or bad. I just feel bad when I'm around him. I feel like I'm selfish and a horrible person, and it's ONLY around him I feel like this. When he came over, I noticed his posture and the way he talks down to me. I saw myself very intimidated by him, him barking out orders and me at his beck and call. It's very subtle but it's a total lack of respect for me, and I never saw it until he left. So I was cured for a few days. Then when he's away, I think about who I fell in love with. As moimeme mentioned, it's the initial guy I met. We didnt get married too soon into the relationship. It was a good two years. I think I was pretty realistic about what living together would be like and I never wished things would go back to the beginning. I believe maybe he was hoping things would go back to the beginning, because when I asked him why he never said anything, he said he was hoping things would get better. Did the guy you fell in love with actually exist? Maybe he did but he doesn't exist anymore and what used to be doesn't count anymore. Yeah, I realize that. That's the one thing I repeat to myself over and over. But I feel like I'm grieving a dead person and this new guy is a stranger. Originally posted by moimeme Make a list of all the things he did that were awful and all the things you dislike about him. Review it every time you are tempted to think well of him. The sad thing is, it's really hard for me to find faults. My stbxh kept to himself. I think there's something wrong with him because he never once told me he was upset. He simply walked out. I'm realizing he's doing this to his friend right now. Something so trivial is ticking him off, and yet he wont complain to the person. My stbxh sees himself as a martyr and will never ever say anything because it might hurt the other persons feelings. He told me he didnt say anything about his unhappiness because he didnt want to hurt my feelings. But him abandoning me for another woman doesnt hurt my feelings?! However the beginning is not the real standard by which to judge. The relationship after a year or so is the real standard. If you managed to marry before the year or were hopelessly hooked before then, then you likely married still hoping it would 'get back to how it used to be'. It's when the realization hits that it will never again be 'like it used to be' in a very negative way that sometimes people finally leave. I think this is what happened to my stbxh. I'm starting to realize it too. It would never be the way it use to be.
Opium Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Don't waste your time on an impossible relationship. There is always something better. Look at that quote you have in on your profile, seems ironic doesn't it. It's hard to come to realization and think about the person you love and come to a conclusion that it's been a total waste of time and effort. If he's an azzhole, let him go. You miss 'him', his presences, having someone next to you but not the actual person he is. You don't need him around to remember he's a jerk, just think about everything you've been through and you'll cry and cry some more, but after the crying you get sad, after sad you get angry after angry, and then you start to date and the next thing you know, you're in another relationship the way it's suppose to be. With someone who cares about you, just make sure your picking the right ones. I'm not saying to jump into another relationship, by all means you need to get over this one, but in the long wrong all I'm saying is that you'll be ok.
Author dgiirl Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by Opium Look at that quote you have in on your profile, seems ironic doesn't it. Heh, it's not ironic. I put those there for me lol I'm definitely not trying to resolve this relationship. All I need is him to be around to realize that I dont want him. I'm sticking to NC, living my life, doing fun stuff, and being social. I'm not saying that everythings fine with me either. I am still crying but I'm starting to feel that what I'm crying over is all in my head. It's hard to come to realization and think about the person you love and come to a conclusion that it's been a total waste of time and effort. If he's an azzhole, let him go. You miss 'him', his presences, having someone next to you but not the actual person he is. I think that sums it up. I miss the feelings I thought we shared. His presence gave me the feeling that he was loyal, honest and caring and would do anything for me, and the reality hurts. You don't need him around to remember he's a jerk, just think about everything you've been through and you'll cry and cry some more, but after the crying you get sad, after sad you get angry after angry, and then you start to date and the next thing you know, you're in another relationship the way it's suppose to be. With someone who cares about you, just make sure your picking the right ones. How do you know you're picking the right ones? Everyone in my life thought my stbxh was a great guy and they are all shocked he's done this. I never would have dreamed he'd do this to anyone, let alone me. I'm not saying to jump into another relationship, by all means you need to get over this one, but in the long wrong all I'm saying is that you'll be ok. Thanks Logically, I know that. It's the heart that needs reminding.
Opium Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Thanks Logically, I know that. It's the heart that needs reminding. That's the hard part, getting your heart to realize what your mind already knew months ago. Just continue NC and be strong. Honestly, you get lucky I guess. If you meet someone who's to your liking make sure you get to know them REALLY good before you jump into anything. I wouldn't say something the man does or doesn't do will make you realize he's the one or a good one to keep around, it's the feeling you get when you're around him and the way he makes you feel, SPECIAL! My bf is wonderful and I couldn't ask for a better man. I was lucky because at first he really wasn't my type and now I'm crazy for him, so just keep your hopes up, everything will work out.
AndrewJ Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Opium , how did your bf chnage from not being ur typr to being your type?
Opium Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by AndrewJ Opium , how did your bf chnage from not being ur typr to being your type? Well he was little goofy at first and sometimes a little to joking around kind of guy, but it was all cute once he got me alone, it was more intimate, not so much goofin around. He grew on me!
AndrewJ Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 As in the Darkness song......Your really growing on meeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiii. Good for you
Opium Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by AndrewJ As in the Darkness song......Your really growing on meeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiii. Good for you Why thank you, !!
westernxer Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 You fell in love with an idea he failed to live up to...
Author dgiirl Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by Opium Well he was little goofy at first and sometimes a little to joking around kind of guy, but it was all cute once he got me alone, it was more intimate, not so much goofin around. He grew on me! This leads me to another question. My therapist mentioned it, and I've read it a few times in self help books. When I first met my stbxh, there was instant chemistry. I thought I found my soulmate. My stbxh did say he felt it too. (Mind you, after learning what I'm learning, he could have been lying). My therapist said those feelings are pretty dangerous because the type of people who you have that type of bond with are usually someone who plays out an important dysfunctional role from your childhood. I can see very similar patterns between my stbxh and my parents. All the negatives of my childhood seemed to have been played out in this relationship without me even realizing it. So now I"m pretty confused. I thought that instant chemistry was good and meant I was in love. How do you fall in love with someone who you dont share chemistry with?
Opium Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 How do you fall in love with someone who you dont share chemistry with? Well no one can really tell you the formula to that but I can tell you it takes TIME. My bf and I weren't exactly MR and MRS PERFECT for each other but he was very attractive and I just went on that. I can say that's what attracted me to him first because his attitude was a little dorky, well goofy. But he grew on me, it was crazy. One day I just find myself giggling at everything he says and being all blushed in the face and shy. I was so confused because I'm pretty outgoing and I can carry a conversation but for some reason that day, I was so quite. I knew from that day on I felt something for him, was it love, NO, was it chemistry, NO but it was something and that's all that mattered to me. We dated for a while maybe a little to long but it helped the relationship to grow where it is now. I can't imagine my life without him, and hopefully one day you'll find it too. You don't plan on these things to happen they just do.
Jeannie Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 All I can say is THANK GOD someone else is going thru this besides me. I thought I was crazy! I broke it off with my ex a week ago - his lack of respect towards me and my son and his narcisstic arrogant ego had me repulsed and wanting to leave him for good. Everything he did was irritating and turning me off. I cringed when he would touch me and I was finding fault with everything he said or did. I can compare our relationship to a mean person (him) tormenting and teasing a cat (me) - finally the cat just had enough and ran off. He never called - I just had to be away from him - then yesterday I called him. He was pissed, I tried to reason - he said it was over, I agreed - end of story. After two years this is how it ended (I ended it before - went 4 months and he reappeared professing undying love...). I took him back so many times, gave him chance after chance to show his redeeming qualities but it was always back to he was perfect - I was this horrible awful girlfriend who didn't cook enough, have sex enough (I work full time and am raising a teen) - I didn't spend enough time with him, etc. Now that we're broken up all I can remember are the fun times, the good qualities and he has taken on this air of a totally different person who I miss and who is making me lose sleep at night. I miss his phone calls, him calling me nicknames, etc. THIS IS ALL THAT KEEPS GOING THRU MY HEAD!!! I guess it's normal - you suddenly miss what you don't have. Fortunately I'm starting a new job next week - that'll give me a chance to meet new people and build back up my self esteem he enjoying stomping all over.
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