How can you get over the fact that you can't always make everyone happy?

[emerald86]

I've always been a bit of a people pleaser. Every time I start an activity, or begin to do something important, I tell myself that I must not unintentionally upset anyone or cause anyone to go out of their way, and will do nearly anything to make that a reality. Therefore, it's not very often that I make people angry/upset, but in the case that I unintentionally do, I become angry at myself.

 

Most recently, when spending time with friends and family, I had to make a decision. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but that decision would have made some people unhappy. In fact, no matter what I chose to do, I would have upset somebody. No matter what, somebody would have had to go out of their way. Therefore, I just didn't know what to do. I took forever to make a decision because I wanted to make sure everyone's needs were met. But this in fact, had the opposite effect. Everyone became so impatient by my inability to make a decision, that I in fact, ended up pleasing nobody. After this, I faced my family giving me long lectures about how I should just decide on something and stick with it. This in turn, made me feel even worse about putting everyone in this position.

 

If I'm the only one involved in any given situation, making a decision is very easy. But when others are involved, I take an admittedly infuriatingly long time to decide on anything. I know that this is something about me that has to change. And right now, I can't get over the fact that I made so many people upset.

 

When you have to make some people unhappy, how do you come to terms with it?

[preraph]

It's like a democracy. A democracy only reflects the majority if everyone votes to further their own individual needs.

 

You need to just represent yourself and your own needs and let the others handle theirs by speaking up or dropping out or whatever. How else would you ever know if someone had anything in common with you if you are concealing your true interests and inclinations?

[basil67]

It's kind of hard to comment on the family issue without the scenario. But not being able to please everyone is a fact of life. No sense getting upset about it.

 

Regarding avoiding having people going out of their way: I'm happy to go out of my way for a friend/family. My only proviso is that I don't continue doing it if they wouldn't do the same for me.

 

You sound thoughtful and the type of person who'd return the favour. This makes me wonder why you are concerned about having people go out of their way. I would imagine that most people are happy to accommodate a friend.

[carhill]

When you have to make some people unhappy, how do you come to terms with it?

 

Human existence isn't that important and, while socialization was strong on the civility side, long experience with hundreds of thousands of humans has, well, impelled this opinion. Hence, their unhappiness, or mine, is solely the responsibility of the person feeling unhappy.

 

If living incidentally makes some folks happy, cool. Life is like that sometimes.

 

I recall, back when first getting on the 'can't always make everyone happy' train, the first thing I did was fire a whole bunch of family members. Erased, just like that. I couldn't tell you whether they are dead or alive because, well, I don't care. Heck, I hardly remember any of their names. The operative parameter is that we're equals because, well, they didn't care either. I just had to square things up. You can do the same, with anyone. Every association is voluntary and you're in charge of who you associate with and how you associate with them. If things work out, they do. If not, not. Billions more to interact with.

[Satu]

Q: "How can you get over the fact that you can't always make everyone happy?"

 

A: Don't try to make anyone happy. Treat people kindly and lovingly, but leave it to them to find their own happiness and fulfilment.