Avoiding Codependency?

[ScentlessApprentice]

In my last relationship I became very codependent and when the relationship broke down, I fell apart terribly. That was 3 years ago and I have seen traces of a vulnerability to codependency in my character since.

I currently have quite strong feelings for a girl that I'm not with, but I can feel myself leaning towards some signs of dependancy, like being anxious when we're not in contact. I really want to get this resolved else it will plague all future relationships.

 

Any advice on how to deal with these dependency tendencies?

[Trinity_84]

Maybe try going to a therapist to talk about these issues and try to sort them out.

 

Read a lot about the subject, there's tons of websites and blogs on Google for you to peruse and maybe understand more why you might have co-dependency issues.

 

Realize that no one is irreplaceable. Realize that this new person wasn't in your life before and you managed to live fine without them. You still can.

 

Just some ideas. x

[Mr Scorpio]

Any advice on how to deal with these dependency tendencies?

 

1. Idle hands - idle mind. Occupy yourself. Exercise, cooking new recipes, learn an instrument (or two), read a book (or ten), call an old friend (or family member), exercise, try a new restaurant, learn a sport, go shopping, go walk in the woods, exercise, go see live music, volunteer, start a garden.

 

2. Realize that you've been on this planet for a while now without being in the soft-penumbra of this woman. You were healthy. You maybe even smiled and laughed a few times. None of that was dependent on her.

[bummer]

like being anxious when we're not in contact.

 

I would avoid dating this girl in particular and dating in General until you can manage the anxiety yourself, with a therapist, with drugs, or with time. Google rejection therapy. Fun stuff.

[ScentlessApprentice]

Thank you all, I just find myself becoming a bit obsessive. Spent a week with this girl I like and it has the potential to go somewhere but not yet. I've felt anxious since and she's been on my mind a lot, but that's been the case for awhile.

I just came off the phone from her and had a bout of anxiety.

 

This is something I absolutely have to deal with and cutting her off isn't an option, even though I know it's a personal favourite bit of advice on this site and one often given myself.

Initially I asked in general, because it has happened throughout my life. But now I'm worried this could impact my relationship with her whether it be platonic or more.

[Satu]

Focus on yourself:

 

 

Your thoughts matter.

 

Your feelings matter.

 

Your healing matters.

 

Your journey matters.

 

Your hopes matter.

 

Your fears matter.

 

Your dreams matter.

 

Your learning matters.

 

Your realisations matter.

 

Your growth matters.

 

Your understanding of yourself matters.

 

Your happiness matters.

 

 

Cultivate your Sense of Agency:

 

 

"Your ability to take action, be effective, influence your own life, and assume responsibility for your behavior are important elements in what you bring to a relationship. This sense of agency is essential for you to feel in control of your life: to believe in your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks or situations. Having a sense of agency influences your stability as a separate person; it is your capacity to be psychologically stable, yet resilient or flexible, in the face of conflict or change."

 

 

Consider therapy as a way of strengthening your Sense of Self

 

 

Take care.

[ScentlessApprentice]

Thank you, Satu, reading that had quite the calming effect and I will return to it.

 

My anxiety levels or obsessiveness always increase the more I like someone romantically. But it also means I lose my backbone and I go from being completely independent to a weak mess.

I'm starting to worry that this tendency for anxiety or dependancy is going to really ruin a lot of potentially great relationships. It could even ruin my living situation. And that really scares me. I can't lose my best friend to this irrational behaviour. It's irrational behaviour and I feel it has to be dealt with constructively rather than just avoidance.

 

I'

[bummer]

I'm starting to worry that this tendency for anxiety or dependancy is going to really ruin a lot of potentially great relationships.

... it has to be dealt with constructively rather than just avoidance.

 

Worrying about the anxiety triggers more anxiety which leads to more thinking about it and more worry... It seems you are building a perpetual anxiety machine in your head.

 

I'm no therapist, but I would start by focusing more on the moment you are in and fulfilling goals in the present. The future will make itself when it becomes the present moment.

[ScentlessApprentice]

I used to recognise and stop thoughts that caused me issues but that was always with regards to depression. It's much harder with anxious thoughts, they come from the uncertainty of the future and the absence of the best times in the past. I know mindfulness should be practised but focusing on anything is increasingly difficult. Waking up this morning was a punch in the stomach.

 

Me and this girl are very close. Should I tell her that I'm worried about living with her? (I'm stuck with doing it now, contracts are signed.)

[bummer]

I would say no. Wait until you actually live together and build some more closeness. Again, nothing's happened yet. You're mind is playing "where the wild things are" and the reality is you aren't even moved in yet.

 

If it helps, express your feelings in more concrete terms here. Are you afraid of what exactly? When you say close, are there feelongs involved from both of you, just you?

 

A roommate is just that and contracts end. Sublease or ask to get out if something goes wrong. Easy. Maybe find some professional help. If in school, there is mental health assistance. If on your own, see what insurance or your city offers.

Edited June 27, 2016 by bummer

[ScentlessApprentice]

My day has been a bit more manageable. Woke up with horrible anxiety but kept busy and didn't text her until she text me late this afternoon.

 

My fear of living together is a fear of having to see her be with someone else. Although, she's not the sort to rush in to seeing people. But the thought of it makes me feel sick.

 

I'm confused where I stand with this girl. We are very close, saw each other pretty much everyday when she wasn't single. She stayed at mine last week and we went swimming late at night after drinking and that led to her jumping on me and making out with me. We had a little talk, both saying, we didn't want it to be just a fling.

 

After we sobered I told her I meant what I said. But she is only single as of last month and it was a long relationship. Her response to me was 'You're not naive, I think you're amazing, but I can't just switch feelings.'

Moments later, I told her 'It's okay to knock me back, I'll get over it and we can stay friends.'

She said 'I'm not knocking you back.' And that was the end of the conversation.

[bummer]

Thanks for the update. So you started as friends when she was in a relationship. Now it's a rebound but more friends with benefits and she's holding back? Soon youll be roomies.

 

I sure hope there is genuine attraction from her end. Is your fear of her with someone else because you know she won't stay with you? Is it just raw jealousy because you really like her and she hasn't reciprocated?

 

Sticky. I fear whatever motives and intensity of feelings at play here will be overshadowed eventually by the jealousy/anxiety and roommate situation. I would try my best to slow down. Can you eventually really live as roommates (including seeing her with others), or do you need to be with her?

 

You were ok before her and you'll be fine after. You can find new best friends and girlfriends. If this bridge explodes and burns, you'll still be ok.

Edited June 27, 2016 by bummer

[ScentlessApprentice]

No it wasn't friends with benefits. It was just a snog, she said 'I've wanted to kiss you for so long.' I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything but I know she's the sort that doesn't jump into bed easily either. I don't know if the feelings have been reciprocated, maybe they have a little.

 

It's jealousy. I've suffered with it in the past, goes hand in hand with the codependency. I can't just run from my problems and I don't like how this site always encourages it. The idea is to cope with and manage the situation, which I intend on doing.

[Trinity_84]

Don't worry, you'll be her hook up roommate when she gets drunk!

Moving in with someone you fancy always has a 50/50 chance of working out/not, depending how you look at it.

 

That isn't necessarily a bad thing if you both know what you're getting yourselves into. You could also establish some personal boundaries for yourself in regards to hooking up while living together (it could be both a blessing and a nightmare, you just have to figure it out and learn as you go I suppose).

[ScentlessApprentice]

No, neither of us want to just 'hook up' for all the mess it would cause I may as well **** in my hands and clap

[Trinity_84]

True