murd0rau Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Hey everyone, I will keep this short and sweet (I am looking for a volume of answers to gauge what is deemed as acceptable by all) About six weeks ago I started chatting to a girl on Tinder, lovely bloody thing she is... We live 350kms apart, she's at the north of the island and I'm at the south. [she was down seeing family] After roughly 4 weeks of chatting, it was said that she would come down for our birthday's (17 of june for her and 19th of june for me) - we met up on the 18th, I gave her some presents, we went and had lunch, then came back to my place, we kissed and went and cuddled on my bed (no hanky spanky)... We have then decided to give things a go, and start a relationship - understanding the issue of distance. I was going to arrange a way to go up and see her in the next couple of weeks (as I was only able to spend 5-6 hours with her in total - and I miss her).. However she told me that she is going away.... with another man? Now the thing is, we live in Tasmania, Australia (tasmania is a small island at the bottom of aus) and this fella lives in Melbourne, which is 400+kms away and can only come via boat / plane - as there is a massive patch of water. Now, the issue that I'm having is as follows - She has never met this man, but has already committed to spending the night with him in a hotel? And has even suggested that they would share the same bed? She has told me time and time again, that I have nothing to worry about, she has been speaking to him longer than I, and she feels as if they are really good friends. I've told her, that people don't go to these extremes to make a friendship. I don't agree that she has willingly said yes to going 200 kilometers away with him to a place she is unfamiliar with and would be sharing the bed with him.. she keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about, and is failing to see the fact that i have an issue with it? I don't mind that they meet and spend some time together (it even feels a bit weird saying that, but none the less)... but I do have the issue that she's committed to staying with him... and doesn't even know him. [ the way I see it she wouldnt be wanting to go and stay anywhere with any other man than me] I've said to her, why cant you meet for a coffee, judge him and then decide on lunch and what to do for the day? - Have him stay in a local hotel and then meet up again the next day? She said they could do that, but they were staying where they were for convenience of the area they were in.. I don't care for convenience and I think that if they didn't stay together it would not ruin anything, especially when he is coming all that way? To me sharing a bed should be with me and only me strictly, as that would be a privilege of being in a relationship with this person. I've tried explaining things like the rules of men and women being friends, generally the women think they can be friends, but from what I know, have read and understood generally the men have more feelings, other than just friendship ones and would jump at the opportunity to take it further. Generally there is attraction one way or another, between members of opposite sex who are friends... Ive said things like, I feel as if my feelings aren't being respected... it's frustrating me, and she is totally adamant that she is going to go and stay with him. She has confirmed that she has not told him about me? - which is another worrying sign, I mean if they are great friends and she has started a relationship with someone, to me that is pretty crucial and important information. I've also said to her, that if he was a man of integrity and knew that you have recently committed to someone, that he would take a step back and probably not come at all, out of respect to you and the new relationship you have formed. And he would definitely not be ok with sharing a bed with you? It is doing my head in, I really do like this girl and I have genuine feelings for her and I do believe we could have a good future together. Obviously I am seriously having second thoughts, as I have repeated myself for the past 24 hours, have expressed my issues with it, explained specific scenarios, and regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not, I would give the same advice to not meet and and go and stay with someone you don't know. She doesn't have to share a bed with him, but it sounds like she wants to. I look at it like this also - Yeah i'll commit to you, but Im just going to go and lay in a bed with barry for a bit. I feel as if this is bull****, And she's keeping herself open to see what he puts on the table? Even though committed to me? Am I correct to not be happy about them meeting? Am I correct to not be happy about them sharing a bed? Am I correct to think things guys intentions would not be for a friendship, due to the extremes he is going to? She says she doesn't like how its effecting me, and I have told her she has the opportunity to keep all parties happy and have everyone get what they want... for them to meet (as thats the main thing) and to offer me a sense of security. I don't think she is willing to compromise, or is legitimately considering my position in her life and my feelings for her. Seems manipulative and almost like emotional cheating? I do strangely believe her intentions? Just not his. I'm not crazy am I?
CC12 Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 You've only known her for six weeks. You're still getting to know her. Now you've learned that she is the type of person that will meet a stranger and share a bed with him while she is in a "relationship" with you. You've also learned that she will ignore your feelings and do whatever the hell she wants even if it bothers you. There's something really off about her thinking this is okay. Either there's been a tragic misunderstanding about the status of your relationship (like you think you're in a relationship and she doesn't) or she's got a screw loose. No sane, rational person would expect their boyfriend to accept her spending a night in the same bed as some strange guy she met online. That she also admitted to you that she hasn't told him she's in a relationship is also really bad. Obviously I am seriously having second thoughts, as I have repeated myself for the past 24 hours, You're too invested in this very new, very short relationship. There was really no good reason to spend 24 hours or any significant amount of time trying to get her to agree that this isn't okay. When "deal breaker" issues come up and there's a fundamental difference of opinion, just walk away. Even if you could convince her that this is inappropriate, would you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who has such poor judgment that you have to explain these simple concepts and win debates over whether or not she can sleep in another guy's bed? That's crazy. 1
kgcolonel Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Tell her to go and have a great time.....and while she's there having a great time, lose your number. This is not what you want in a relationship,it's not what you want period. She's full of sh#t and thinks you're stupid enough to believe it. Keep your dignity man!! Cut her out, there are plenty of ladies out there that won't treat someone that they care about like this.
Alamo657 Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Two answers to a simple situation : 1) if she was your girlfriend and told you she will meet other men she barely knows alone, she is disrespecting you and you should walk away before she cheats on you 2) if she is not your girlfriend, you're loosing your time and energy trying to solve problems you wouldn't have if you didn't know her If a relationships seem complicated, it's not worth it.
Poutrew Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 This relationship is why they invented the term "ghosting". Beautiful thing about tinder- you can just stop replying. You don't even owe her an explanation, but if you really need to give her one, just tell her you found another snuggle buddy to keep you warm at night...just like she did.
Rainah Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Sounds like she has been having a long distance thing with a guy while seeking someone closer to her too, send she is keeping her options open at this point. If she was truly interested in you it's no brainier not to sleep in the same bed with this guy if she is committed to you. Is she not going with a friend to meet this guy? Her story all seems a bit off, why would you share the same bed with someone the first night? If I was you i would run far from this girl
Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 Hey everyone, I will keep this short and sweet (I am looking for a volume of answers to gauge what is deemed as acceptable by all) About six weeks ago I started chatting to a girl on Tinder, lovely bloody thing she is... We live 350kms apart, she's at the north of the island and I'm at the south. [she was down seeing family] After roughly 4 weeks of chatting, it was said that she would come down for our birthday's (17 of june for her and 19th of june for me) - we met up on the 18th, I gave her some presents, we went and had lunch, then came back to my place, we kissed and went and cuddled on my bed (no hanky spanky)... We have then decided to give things a go, and start a relationship - understanding the issue of distance. I was going to arrange a way to go up and see her in the next couple of weeks (as I was only able to spend 5-6 hours with her in total - and I miss her).. However she told me that she is going away.... with another man? Now the thing is, we live in Tasmania, Australia (tasmania is a small island at the bottom of aus) and this fella lives in Melbourne, which is 400+kms away and can only come via boat / plane - as there is a massive patch of water. Now, the issue that I'm having is as follows - She has never met this man, but has already committed to spending the night with him in a hotel? And has even suggested that they would share the same bed? She has told me time and time again, that I have nothing to worry about, she has been speaking to him longer than I, and she feels as if they are really good friends. I've told her, that people don't go to these extremes to make a friendship. I don't agree that she has willingly said yes to going 200 kilometers away with him to a place she is unfamiliar with and would be sharing the bed with him.. she keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about, and is failing to see the fact that i have an issue with it? I don't mind that they meet and spend some time together (it even feels a bit weird saying that, but none the less)... but I do have the issue that she's committed to staying with him... and doesn't even know him. [ the way I see it she wouldnt be wanting to go and stay anywhere with any other man than me] I've said to her, why cant you meet for a coffee, judge him and then decide on lunch and what to do for the day? - Have him stay in a local hotel and then meet up again the next day? She said they could do that, but they were staying where they were for convenience of the area they were in.. I don't care for convenience and I think that if they didn't stay together it would not ruin anything, especially when he is coming all that way? To me sharing a bed should be with me and only me strictly, as that would be a privilege of being in a relationship with this person. I've tried explaining things like the rules of men and women being friends, generally the women think they can be friends, but from what I know, have read and understood generally the men have more feelings, other than just friendship ones and would jump at the opportunity to take it further. Generally there is attraction one way or another, between members of opposite sex who are friends... Ive said things like, I feel as if my feelings aren't being respected... it's frustrating me, and she is totally adamant that she is going to go and stay with him. She has confirmed that she has not told him about me? - which is another worrying sign, I mean if they are great friends and she has started a relationship with someone, to me that is pretty crucial and important information. I've also said to her, that if he was a man of integrity and knew that you have recently committed to someone, that he would take a step back and probably not come at all, out of respect to you and the new relationship you have formed. And he would definitely not be ok with sharing a bed with you? It is doing my head in, I really do like this girl and I have genuine feelings for her and I do believe we could have a good future together. Obviously I am seriously having second thoughts, as I have repeated myself for the past 24 hours, have expressed my issues with it, explained specific scenarios, and regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not, I would give the same advice to not meet and and go and stay with someone you don't know. She doesn't have to share a bed with him, but it sounds like she wants to. I look at it like this also - Yeah i'll commit to you, but Im just going to go and lay in a bed with barry for a bit. I feel as if this is bull****, And she's keeping herself open to see what he puts on the table? Even though committed to me? Am I correct to not be happy about them meeting? Am I correct to not be happy about them sharing a bed? Am I correct to think things guys intentions would not be for a friendship, due to the extremes he is going to? She says she doesn't like how its effecting me, and I have told her she has the opportunity to keep all parties happy and have everyone get what they want... for them to meet (as thats the main thing) and to offer me a sense of security. I don't think she is willing to compromise, or is legitimately considering my position in her life and my feelings for her. Seems manipulative and almost like emotional cheating? I do strangely believe her intentions? Just not his. I'm not crazy am I? You are dating a woman who is using very poor judgement at best. Spending the night in a hotel with a man she's never met is idiotic and wreckless. Run, don't walk away from this one. If this is the way she operates in her life, I'd say there will be lots of drama and trouble.
spiderowl Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 It sounds like she's been in touch with this guy a lot longer than she's known you. She could have made plans with him before she met you. Now, she's in a position where she'd have to opt out. Yes, of course she could do that. It's possible that she genuinely does not know that a guy is unlikely to go to this kind of trouble for a woman who is just going to be a friend. She may be a bit naive like that. Mostly though, it sounds like this was set up before she met you and she thinks she should go through with it so as not to let him down and in case she and he are a better match. Sorry.
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