Borderline Depression?

[Charlie99909]

So my ex broke up with me in early March after dating off and on for 9 months. I spent the whole month crying and alternating between Miami Vice or Magnum PI. By May I was working out, finished school, and working a lot but still missing her. It's now almost July and I'm still trying to keep busy but my work is suffering. I still work out, just not as much (now 3-4 days instead of 5 days). I still just binge watch Miami Vice through the week.

I started to go out on the weekends to meet people, but have found myself uninterested in wanting to talk with anyone. I have been on a few dates and hooked up a few times. Wasn't really interested. I have thought about therapy, but have decided against it. Is this normal, has anyone else gone through something similar? I find myself thinking about her and her daughter and just wondering what they're up to.

My first ex and I have been talking again, her bf dumped her and I was able to relate to her and offer a lot of great advice I've picked up here. I'm happy to see her doing better, but I can't buy what I'm selling. I feel very lost and disoriented, like I don't know what end is up. I've never felt like this and still struggle every day, though not as bad as I was.

[Downtown]

I feel very lost and disoriented, like I don't know what end is up. I've never felt like this and still struggle every day, though not as bad as I was..... Is this normal, has anyone else gone through something similar?

Charlie, yes, it is normal to experience depression and confusion for several months following a breakup -- even when breaking up with an emotionally healthy person. Moreover, such confusion can last even longer if your exGF really does exhibit strong traits of bipolar or another mental disorder -- as you said you suspected in your posts three months ago.

 

I feel that she may be bipolar like her mom. [Your 3/24 post.]

Perhaps so, Charlie. Anything is possible. But the behaviors you described last March -- e.g., irrational anger, controlling behavior, verbal abuse, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are closer to the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), not bipolar. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

Moreover, even if she does suffer from bipolar, it does not rule out her also exhibiting strong BPD symptoms. About half of the people exhibiting strong bipolar-1 symptoms in the past 12 months (and 40% of those exhibiting bipolar-2) also suffer from co-occurring BPD. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and verbal abuse.

 

She said once before that I'm not the first person to tell her, she does really well for the first few months and then gets distant. [Your 3/24 post.]

If she really does exhibit strong and persistent BPD traits, those traits almost certainly would NOT be seen until several months into the relationship. During the courtship period, a BPDer's infatuation over her new partner convinces her that he is the nearly perfect man who has come to rescue her from unhappiness. In this way, infatuation holds her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay.

 

Yet, when that infatuation starts to evaporate -- typically after 4 to 6 months -- the fears return and you will start triggering them. At that point, you will fall from the pedestal when she starts devaluing you instead of adoring you.

 

She opened up and told me about her darkest parts of her life including assault, her abusive mother, and her ex that just abandoned her. [Your 3/24 post.]

Most abused children grow up without developing strong BPD traits. Such abuse in childhood, however, greatly raises their risk for doing so. A recent large-scale study found that 70% of BPDers report that they had been abused or abandoned during childhood. It therefore is not surprising that a BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment (and the second fear is the suffocating feeling of engulfment a BPDer feels after being intimate for very long).

 

She resented me for not having my licensing for my career, something I'll have in 3 months. She resented me for not making six figures like she does. She resented me for not knowing what it's like to be a single mom. [Your 3/23 post.]

Perhaps your are correct. Yet, if she does have strong BPD traits, you are very mistaken. In that case, the resentment she started showing several months into your R/S likely had NOTHING to do with your career choice or income level. Instead, the resentment arose from your inability to rescue her from unhappiness -- an impossible task.

 

I'm afraid that when she does reach out, I will be foolish enough to go back. [Your 6/23 post.]

I find this statement to be concerning. If your exGF really does exhibit strong and persistent BPD traits, she very likely will try to pull you back into the R/S again. A cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is a hallmark of BPDer relationships. It therefore may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. And, given your suspicions about your exGF having bipolar like her mother, I suggest you take a quick look at my description of 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.

 

If most of the BPD red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. If that description doesn't sound familiar, I would suggest you do a Google search for AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) and read about its symptoms.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Charlie.

[vossler]

So my ex broke up with me in early March after dating off and on for 9 months. I spent the whole month crying and alternating between Miami Vice or Magnum PI. By May I was working out, finished school, and working a lot but still missing her. It's now almost July and I'm still trying to keep busy but my work is suffering. I still work out, just not as much (now 3-4 days instead of 5 days). I still just binge watch Miami Vice through the week.

I started to go out on the weekends to meet people, but have found myself uninterested in wanting to talk with anyone. I have been on a few dates and hooked up a few times. Wasn't really interested. I have thought about therapy, but have decided against it. Is this normal, has anyone else gone through something similar? I find myself thinking about her and her daughter and just wondering what they're up to.

Of course it is normal to think about someone you have strong feelings for, it would be abnormal if you didn't. Downtown made some well thought observations about the situation, specifically concerning the BPD traits.

 

I believe the more important question that needs to be addressed is the one that you have control over. That question is: "what are you doing to improve your own standing or situation?" You can't control what your ex is doing or feeling, but you can control your own response to the situation. Going out and meeting others, even when you're not interested, is a good beginning. Keep reaching out like that and over time you will overcome the insecurity and the feelings of loss. I hope you are affiliated with a church where others can rally around you by praying for you and helping you cope. You'll be amazed at the effect of such behavior can have on a persons soul.

[Charlie99909]

I just feel like at 4 months, I should be over her. I mean, I have my goodness and but they're mostly bad. I have accomplished a lot over the last year. But I'm at a point where I'm tired of trying. I relive a lot of things in my head despite trying to focus on other things.

I just try and remember how she cut me down so I remind myself that she wasn't great to me. I think missing her and her kid is the hardest. But, I have to remember to stay focused and keep going. Even if I'm empty inside.