Should I reach out to her? What's the source of these feelings?

[amlxa215]

About 3 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. I felt that the fire went out and that I wasn't in love with her anymore. Our sex life was also almost nonexistent. We lived together...I had moved to a new city to be with her and now here I was, moving out and into a city where I knew very few people. We had so much fun together though and our relationship is full of so many good memories for me.

 

I started dating almost immediately, but just one girl. I work with her and we have had somewhat of an attraction for awhile. You could say I had a little bit of a crush. Either way, after I broke up with my GF we started hanging out and going on dates. About a month ago we established exclusivity but she wants to take things very slow and isn't quite ready for the relationship label.

 

She's great - smart, beautiful, good sense of humor, etc. However, I find myself thinking about my ex a lot lately. It didn't happen initially - only been the past few weeks. This new girl doesn't really give me what I need emotionally, at this point. She's sometimes aloof, gives me little to zero reassurance of where she's at, etc. Can't lock down plans or the like. I feel like I'm always chasing her and it's so frustrating.

 

My ex gave me none of those feelings. Even during the courtship phase, she never had me second guessing how she felt. She always made plans with me and stuck to them, let me know how much she loved me, and made me feel like I was one of the greatest men alive. She is such a good person and I truly loved her.

 

I've been thinking about her a lot - even in the presence of the new girl. I've been finding myself wanting to reach out to her and meet up with her to tell her I think I made a mistake. The thought of seeing her and being able to just hang out with her makes me happy. I think I might've jumped ship too soon without working things out with her. I think I didn't give it the effort our relationship deserved.

 

Another monkey wrench is the fact that I work with this new girl. Say my ex and I rekindle our love and get back together...I would have to tell her about the girl and the fact that we dated, messed around, stayed over with each other, etc. The fact that I work with her could complicate things and make her feel uneasy...

 

But the thing is...I'm not sure if I miss HER or I miss the way she made me feel. Is there a difference? Am I feeling this way because I'm lonely and I'm not getting what I got from my ex from this new girl? How in the world do I know the difference? Please help me. I need some advice and guidance. Thank you.

[juniorrocha]

I often see people saying when we break up we miss the moments, not the person. However, I, for example, miss my ex, the person. Her laughs, jokes, positiveness.

 

But in your case, I think you're not missing your ex, it's just that you jumped into another relationship way too soon and you expect this new girl to be what your ex was.

 

You'll never find someone exactly like your ex. You'll find people who will suit you better and people that will be worse. Apparently that girl is one of these that are worse.

 

My suggestion is: if that girl is not enough for you, break up with her. This time, however, let yourself heal before meeting someone new, else you'll keep comparing them with your ex, which is what you're doing now. If after a while you realize that you do miss your ex and not only how she made you feel, then you can think if contacting her would be a good idea. Don't forget that your ex is probably during her healing process, so don't **** it up by coming back just to realize it's not what you want. My ex did that to me and seriously, it's very cruel and egotistical.

[Densel]

amlxa,

 

If you are with the new gal and still thinking about your ex means you are not over your ex.

 

You not being fair to the new gal.

 

If you want to look for your ex, please leave the new gal first.

 

Do not be selfish and want the best of both worlds.

 

Take some time alone to think what you really want and what makes you happy.

[whatnot]

Yes. There is a difference in missing the feelings and missing the person. You must feel very lonely...maybe for the first time since being where you are. Maybe navigate through the future...not the past.

 

Take care.

Edited June 26, 2016 by whatnot
Made no sense

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you should call it off with the new girl and just stay single for a while. You don't sound very happy with her, and if you're thinking about someone else, it's not fair to stay. It's also clear you weren't so happy with your ex anymore either. It seems as though there were some great times together, but something obviously wasn't there any longer.

 

Give yourself some breathing room as a single guy.

 

And yes, it will be awkward if you do someday reconcile and need to tell her about your co-worker. Your ex would be suspicious about the timeline of your break-up and new relationship. There's really no way around that; all you could do is be honest and let the chips fall where they may.

 

But I wouldn't think that far ahead yet. I would take some time to yourself and then reassess what you want.

[Buddhist]

You're kind of assuming that your ex even wants you back. She may not. Just because you broke it off doesn't necessarily mean she's been crying into her pillow for the past 3 months mourning your loss. You may have just shown her how much better her life is without you. Do you know if she's even available still? If she's as adorable as you say, some other guy may have snapped her up by now. I know for myself if I was ever dumped I'd be inclined to tell an ex trying to sneak back in to call me when there's a blizzard in hell, just on principle.

 

If I were you I'd stick with where you are. It's the bed you made, may as well make the best of it. You can't expect a brand new situation to offer you all the comforts of a well worn relationship where you both know each other well.

[amlxa215]

So, this new girl and I ended things after a long talk. Long story short, it was basically her decision. She claimed she had a ton of stuff going on in her head that she needed to figure out, blah blah blah. Either way, the thing with her is done and part of me feels pissed off at her and part of me feels very relieved to not have to worry and be anxious over all that chasing stuff anymore.

 

Where do I go from here? I figure the logical next step would be to take some time to myself and really figure things out. After a few weeks if I still miss my ex and am still thinking about her, would it be a good idea to reach out to her then?