Globe Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) Since my breakup with my ex I've been trying online dating. I met this great lass, she's a little shy and quiet at times and she puts herself down far far too much, but I honestly think she's one of the most incredible people I've ever met - I'd call it limerence. We've been seeing other people inbetween dates, but we've currently been on 2 dates. The first one was... well, she invited me to her home town a few miles over and I'd never been there again so she was showing me around and at the end of the date told me she wanted me to take her on a date and she'd felt like she'd been taking me on a date. We ended up spending the night together anyway, we've dated other people inbetween, and today her and I went on another date. We decided to go to London to see the gay pride parade and we had a really enjoyable day up until she gets a text from another guy she's seeing who asked her if she's free tonight. As you can probably guess by now, she decided to tell me and I told her that she's free to do as she chooses but I'd really like to spend more time with her. She told me she'd been there all day and didn't want to spend the evening with me when she could go out with another guy and some friends in her hometown. From the moment she told me she'd be going over to his after the date I became pretty closed off (for obvious reasons) and she kept saying "why does it matter? we're seeing other people anyway!" and rather than tell her "because we're on a date now!" I just responded with "yeah" "ok" "sure" "whatever you want" "I won't even try to stop you". Then when we get to the bus stop and see she's actually serious about going to see this other guy I give her another option to spend the evening with me - see, I'm not a big-display-of-emotions kind of guy, I don't want to get too attached just to have my heart stomped on by another girl. And to be honest I think she thought I was being a bit mean to her after she told me she's off to see the other guy because I started saying the occasional stupid thing. She politely declines an evening with me, tells me she really wants to see the other guy, and then starts sending me "I'm sorry" messages from the bus (to which I haven't responded). We're both pretty traditional at heart and both of us want one relationship with one person. But it's got to the point where I want to be exclusively hers, and tbh I'd like her to be exclusive too, but I think she really likes this other guy and if I ask her to be mine the answer is almost definitely going to be "No.". We're both in our mid-twenties. Anyway, I have a feeling I've friendzoned myself with my antics this evening towards her, I just wanted to know whether a relationship with her is something I should pursue or just call it quits and let her enjoy her freedom... Edited June 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1
Buddhist Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Yeah you did a lot of damage with your responses but you have one shot left. That is to call her (don't text) and tell her what you've told us. That you're ready to be exclusive with her and hopes she is too. You don't know the answer is going to be no. This other guy may not be offering her anything like that and she may well just say yes. But no-more passive aggressive pouting. You've got to make it clear what you want and ask for it.
katiegrl Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Sounds to me like a shyt test... which you obviously flunked. Not sure if that's good or bad.... guess it depends on how you feel about dating women who employ shyt tests.
Jabron1 Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 You spent your day messing around at a gay pride parade with a woman (who isn't even your girlfriend). She then ditches you to spend the evening with another man (her priority). Spot the alpha Now you want to ask her to be exclusive? SMH. This is a disaster. You can do better than this. You say that you have other women. If you are spinning five plates, she just demoted herself to #5 with her unreliable attitude, and the boring time you just spent on her. Hell, I think I'd just let this one drop and not bother. As for you, a daytime date at the gay pride festival with a woman you've only just met. I have no words for how lame that is. 3
zenguy Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 You're in quite the nightmare, that you created for yourself. I don't see how you come back from that with any dignity left intact.
4x4storm Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Probably not what you want to hear but I think this person is terrible girlfriend material she's into having some fun and messing around. I had a similar thing happen 2 weeks ago I was supposed to go on a date with a girl I sent her a message just double checking. She replies all confused and said sorry I double booked you with another guy. And then sends another message saying it's alright I will visit you in the morning but I will see him straight after I was like meh ok. The day comes I ask her if shes still coming over this morning and she replies with same lame excuse. Through out the whole day she is messaging me apologizing and wanting to reschedule so I went along with it. The day arrives for our rescheduled date and I simply sent her a message saying don't bother. I didn't want to waste my time any longer and I think you should just forget about her.
Protec Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 If a woman really, i mean REALLY like you. They will always find time for you. When i tried online dating, i was supposed to meet this woman. Well, she always found some excuse. "i have work, i need to go to gym etc". So i gave her a week, if after that one week she is still too busy, i will just forget them. And this one woman "Well, if the other 2 dates i have don't produce anything, then i'll get back to you". My response? "Just forget it. I won't be anyones backup." But forget about the woman you dated. Just forget about her. You don't want to be her friend. You want her. And she chose another man so just forget it.
Author Globe Posted June 26, 2016 Author Posted June 26, 2016 You spent your day messing around at a gay pride parade with a woman (who isn't even your girlfriend). She then ditches you to spend the evening with another man (her priority). Spot the alpha Now you want to ask her to be exclusive? SMH. This is a disaster. You can do better than this. You say that you have other women. If you are spinning five plates, she just demoted herself to #5 with her unreliable attitude, and the boring time you just spent on her. Hell, I think I'd just let this one drop and not bother. As for you, a daytime date at the gay pride festival with a woman you've only just met. I have no words for how lame that is. DAMN. You're, like, 100% right. Why the hell did we decide to go to a gay pride festival?! Why would I want to be exclusive with someone who doesn't seem to be there?! Yeah, you're all right in fairness, I was just a bit annoyed because I genuinely like her and she seems more interested in playing the field it would seem. Ah well, I'll chalk this one up as a loss and move on Thanks guys 1
katiegrl Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) I still think she may have been testing you, your reaction. Like she wanted you to get pissed .... and say exactly what you *wanted* to say -- which was "that's effed up, we're on a date"!! Show her you have a backbone .... But you remained passive and off she went. NOT faulting you..... you did the right thing, she is messed up for playing that game... But many women are like that, they actually set up scenarios to see how a guy will react, if he cares enough to get angry and stand up to her BS. Like I said, a shyt test! Most guys know all about shyt tests.... I mean what she did was so over the top, it is hard to believe she would have played it that way if the whole thing had been real. My guess is she didn't even have another date, and probably went home and watched TV....... Edited June 26, 2016 by katiegrl
phineas Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 DAMN. You're, like, 100% right. Why the hell did we decide to go to a gay pride festival?! Why would I want to be exclusive with someone who doesn't seem to be there?! Yeah, you're all right in fairness, I was just a bit annoyed because I genuinely like her and she seems more interested in playing the field it would seem. Ah well, I'll chalk this one up as a loss and move on Thanks guys My experience, once a woman sleeps with a guy they turn sexually aggressive to make sure that guy doesn't go anywhere. IF they want the guy to stick around or care that he may lose interest. no offence but you probably didn't ring her bell. Your woman just isn't that into you and FYI shy girls don't have rotations of men nor do women with true self image issues. It's an act they use to get men to chase. She probably tee-hee's at everything, is mostly seen, not heard, allows herself to be led, fishes constantly for compliments....sound familiar? The guy she drops everything for (including a current date) is the guy who doesn't fall for the act and makes her chase him.
katiegrl Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) Another thing I noticed is.... after she told you .... and you *closed down* .....she appeared to almost get mad at you! Saying "What does it matter"?! "We're seeing other people anyway"!! Why would she react way? Because maybe she thinks you are not all that into her? That you don't care if she sees other guys. I mean you actually said to her "you are free to do what you want." When what you really want is to be exclusive with her. When you hide your *real* feelings and remain passive about stuff, and close down, instead of being honest and expressing how you *really* feel, even if that's anger, that is the message she hears, that you don't give a crap. Hence the shyt test in the first place.. Something has definitely gotten lost in translation between the two of you. There are always two sides. We are just hearing YOURS. Would love to hear HERS. In any event, still think the shyt test (assuming I am right) was effed up though. I dunno, just giving you my opinion from a woman's perspective, tis all.... I am a woman, I know how women think. I used to pull this shyt too when I was very young, immature... and insecure. It is pretty common actually. Edited June 26, 2016 by katiegrl
phineas Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Another thing I noticed is.... after she told you .... and you *closed down* .....she appeared to almost get mad at you! Saying "What does it matter"?! "We're seeing other people anyway"!! Why would she react way? Because maybe she thinks you are not all that into her? That you don't care if she sees other guys. I mean you actually said to her "you are free to do what you want." When what you really want is to be exclusive with her. When you hide your *real* feelings and remain passive about stuff, and close down, instead of being honest and expressing how you *really* feel, even if that's anger, that is the message she hears, that you don't give a crap. Hence the shyt test in the first place.. Something has definitely gotten lost in translation between the two of you. There are always two sides. We are just hearing YOURS. Would love to hear HERS. In any event, still think the shyt test (assuming I am right) was effed up though. I dunno, just giving you my opinion from a woman's perspective, tis all.... I am a woman, I know how women think. I used to pull this shyt too when I was very young, immature... and insecure. It is pretty common actually. Good point. I'm used to this from women in their late 30's / early 40's doing this. They are just using an act but never considered it wasn't an act when they were young. mind is blown. lol
katiegrl Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) My experience, once a woman sleeps with a guy they turn sexually aggressive to make sure that guy doesn't go anywhere. IF they want the guy to stick around or care that he may lose interest. no offence but you probably didn't ring her bell. Your woman just isn't that into you and FYI shy girls don't have rotations of men nor do women with true self image issues. It's an act they use to get men to chase. She probably tee-hee's at everything, is mostly seen, not heard, allows herself to be led, fishes constantly for compliments....sound familiar? The guy she drops everything for (including a current date) is the guy who doesn't fall for the act and makes her chase him. Things are not always so black and white like that.... Especially in the early stages of dating and especially when feelings and emotions are involved. There is a lot of uncertainty, a lot of mixed messages. People are so afraid to be honest, that the whole thing ends getting blown up in smoke. Fact is, OP wasn't honest, had not been honest. He admitted it... he is just not an emotionally expressive sort of guy. I wasn't there .... but I have been with men like that, and the message I get is they just don't give a crap.. I don't know if that is what this chick felt but as I said her actions were so over the top, I highly doubt this whole thing was real.... I would bet money it was some sort of a test. To gauge his reaction. Edited June 26, 2016 by katiegrl
phineas Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Things are not always so black and white like that.... Especially in the early stages of dating and especially when feelings and emotions are involved. There is a lot of uncertainty, a lot of mixed messages. People are so afraid to be honest, that the whole thing ends getting blown up in smoke. Fact is, OP wasn't honest, had not been honest. He admitted it... he is just not an emotionally expressive sort of guy. I wasn't there .... but I have been with men like that, and the message I get is they just don't give a crap.. I don't know if that is what this chick felt but as I said her actions were so over the top, I highly doubt this whole thing was real.... I would bet money it was some sort of a test. To gauge his reaction. I get there are exceptions to rules but the majority is black & white and honestly i find it simpler to conduct dating that way. I don't think he showed an "I don't care" attitude. I think he showed a "i'm not a man" attitude. his body language & pouting probably turned her off. women that shyt-test are good for fun & fun only in my opinion. Once i put them in that category i basically ignore what they say and just keep doing my thing to get them into bed or bed again and usually don't give them attention unless it's going to end up with us naked. yeah. kinda jerky but it aint gonna suck itself. If a woman pulled that crap on me....well actually a woman DID pull that crap on me once. I excused myself to the bathroom, ordered another round of drinks for the table then walked out without paying a dime & stuck her with the bill. texted her from the parking lot to have fun on her next date. She was pissed to say the least but after a week of me ignoring her she was actually apologizing for her behavior and asking for a second chance. I do not believe it was because i am such an alpha male who is super hot. I believe it was because the chick was cray cray. I did not go out with her again.
katiegrl Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) I get there are exceptions to rules but the majority is black & white and honestly i find it simpler to conduct dating that way. I don't think he showed an "I don't care" attitude. I think he showed a "i'm not a man" attitude. his body language & pouting probably turned her off. women that shyt-test are good for fun & fun only in my opinion. Once i put them in that category i basically ignore what they say and just keep doing my thing to get them into bed or bed again and usually don't give them attention unless it's going to end up with us naked. yeah. kinda jerky but it aint gonna suck itself. If a woman pulled that crap on me....well actually a woman DID pull that crap on me once. I excused myself to the bathroom, ordered another round of drinks for the table then walked out without paying a dime & stuck her with the bill. texted her from the parking lot to have fun on her next date. She was pissed to say the least but after a week of me ignoring her she was actually apologizing for her behavior and asking for a second chance. I do not believe it was because i am such an alpha male who is super hot. I believe it was because the chick was cray cray. I did not go out with her again. Absolutely agree with how you handled that! As I said....women who shyt test, like this chick was doing imo, are effed up. I also agree that his passive, lack of backbone...or as you put it "I'm not a man" attitude turned her off. That actually makes more sense than what I said earlier. That he doesn't give a crap. Although that may have been part of what turned her off too..... Edited June 26, 2016 by katiegrl
DJOkawari Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 From the moment she told me she'd be going over to his after the date I became pretty closed off (for obvious reasons) and she kept saying "why does it matter? we're seeing other people anyway!" and rather than tell her "because we're on a date now!" I just responded with "yeah" "ok" "sure" "whatever you want" "I won't even try to stop you". I think katiegrl really nails it: Fact is, OP wasn't honest, had not been honest. When your "lass" asked "why does it matter?", you had a great opportunity to say "Oh, because I thought this was going well and I really like you. I wanted to spend the day with you." You would've seen how she truly felt immediately. Now you're just left with questions. That's the burden of someone who isn't open with their feelings - lots of "what ifs". Also, the friendzone is bull****. You made her not attracted to you by being a person she would not be attracted to. My previous sentence holds true if you remove both instances of "not" as well. --- Moving forward, I don't think you should ask her out - frankly that's ridiculous. Instead, if you have to send something, just explain what you've said here. You weren't the most articulate in-person but you aren't going to stand for being left in the middle of a date for another guy. You cannot build a relationship on this foundation. Once you express that (and nothing else!!) maybe she will put in enough effort to make you reconsider. Make sure you set your bar high. And please, please, please, don't tell her you are waiting for her to make it up to you - just move on with your life.
katiegrl Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) Absolutely agree with how you handled that! As I said....women who shyt test, like this chick was doing imo, are effed up. I also agree that his passive, lack of backbone...or as you put it "I'm not a man" attitude turned her off. That actually makes more sense than what I said earlier. That he doesn't give a crap. Although that may have been part of what turned her off too..... @ phineas ......just wanted to clarify why I agreed with how you handled. It was honest! You were pissed (rightfully so!), thought what she did was effed up (which it was), and that, as a man with a backbone and obvious high self-esteem, you would not tolerate that BS! I am not a man but had a man pulled that with me, I would have done the same. Except I might have had a few choice words for him before I left. Then when I got home blocked and deleted.... In the OP's case, he wasn't honest, but neither was she. Hence the shyt test.... f*cked up! Edited June 26, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author Globe Posted June 26, 2016 Author Posted June 26, 2016 @ phineas ......just wanted to clarify why I agreed with how you handled. It was honest! You were pissed (rightfully so!), thought what she did was effed up (which it was), and that, as a man with a backbone and obvious high self-esteem, you would not tolerate that BS! I am not a man but had a man pulled that with me, I would have done the same. Except I might have had a few choice words for him before I left. Then when I got home blocked and deleted.... In the OP's case, he wasn't honest, but neither was she. Hence the shyt test.... Tbh katiegrl I think you've hit the nail on the head. I know for a fact that I reacted to what she did in the wrong way, I wasn't honest about how I was feeling but I've got a bit of a track record of that tbh. But the way you make it seem, it was either one of two things: (1) she was actually going to see the other guy, or (2) she was pulling a shyt test. Neither of those situations are something I want to be around really and I'm not going to pepper her with sycophantic compliments just to get her to stick around, and I'm not gonna put up with a lass who'll sit through a date and half way through start texting another guy. Thinking back, it probably was a test, I'm surprised I didn't realise that sooner, I know there was definitely another guy who wanted to see her that night, but I think she was telling me it to test how I'd react, because right before she left and was telling me "I'm sorry" I told her more how I felt and asked her to come get drinks instead. She said "Why did you leave it until the end of the day to tell me all this?!" and I said "you don't have to be sorry, you can just NOT do the thing that's going to make you sorry and we can enjoy the evening", but at that point she'd already told the other guy she was on her way and that she couldn't back out or he'd leave her... I haven't messaged her today after she sent her apology messages last night. I mean, I like her a lot, but after yesterday she's gone to the bottom of the list. Which is a bit of a shame tbh, we've got a lot in common and we get on really well, and she's local! A part of me wants to give it another try but I couldn't do that to myself after how she acted
phineas Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 @ phineas ......just wanted to clarify why I agreed with how you handled. It was honest! You were pissed (rightfully so!), thought what she did was effed up (which it was), and that, as a man with a backbone and obvious high self-esteem, you would not tolerate that BS! I am not a man but had a man pulled that with me, I would have done the same. Except I might have had a few choice words for him before I left. Then when I got home blocked and deleted.... In the OP's case, he wasn't honest, but neither was she. Hence the shyt test.... f*cked up! haha. Women tell me i'm very blunt and straight forward when it comes to dating and talking to them all the time. Some like it, some don't. The ones who prefer men to chase them a bit don't. LOL!
katiegrl Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) haha. Women tell me i'm very blunt and straight forward when it comes to dating and talking to them all the time. Some like it, some don't. The ones who prefer men to chase them a bit don't. LOL! My ex was the same. Blunt, honest, direct... straight from the get go! Not being that way is actually one of my dealbreakers! I cannot stand passivity in a man or any sort of dishonesty. Even if it is not exactly what I want to hear, I so prefer the blunt truth. It's better to know where I stand rather than him pretending things are okay, when they not! And vice versa (for him). I am very blunt and direct too. I know some women don't like it.... frankly I have never understood this but to each his own.... Edited June 26, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Recommended Posts