Cinnimon Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 Hi everyone........ Here I sit alone in my room completely consumed in thought. Here's my story...... Met a guy a year ago hit it off, started dating. Things were going great UNTIL he asked me to get a house with him, move in together since we were together all the time anyway. I agreed. I left my home of 12 years and got a house with him and his 2 boys. We got the house around the first of May, we were both so excited, made all kinds of plans to do stuff to it that we liked and also planned a housewarming BBQ for July 2cnd. June 6th we were sitting together on the couch and he looks very sad. I asked whats wrong and he tells me he is F'd up in his head and says that he thinks his feelings have changed and he feels distant from me and wants to end the relationship! I cried and begged and pleaded, got angry, cried, begged and pleaded again. That night he slept in the boys room. I stayed in our room and cried all night long. He ignored me completly. The next morning I was still a mess. He's going about his daily routine and acting like I don't exist, no good morning, no good morning kiss, nothing. I basically lost it and told him to get out now. He did. He called in to work and packed his things and the boys things and drove off. That was the last I have heard from him. I feel so shattered. I don't even know why I told him to leave, I didn't want him to, I loved him, still do. Ive been going through the motions for the past three weeks, going to work, force feeding myself, drinking water. For the most part I just sit in my room consumed in thought as to what the hell just happened. Why it happened. Ive thought back over every word spoken, every action taken. Ive thought and thought and thought. I shouldn't have told him to leave. I hate it. I feel so abandoned which makes me feel so worthless and un loved. Someone please help me. I feel sick and afraid.
Dawns eyes Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 First of all I'm so sorry that you are going through such pain and agony. It is very confusing why his feelings would change so suddenly. My ex did something similar except we weren't living together. I can only imagine what you are going through. My ex suffers from depression and he said he couldn't be with me because he had to get himself right. I have been fortunate not to have suffered from depression so I dont understand his theory or thinking at all. Did your ex have mental health issues? Or was he hurt badly in the past and maybe got a really bad case of cold feet? I'm only speculating. It's so hard to u derstabd what ou r exes are thinking 1
brothers343 Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 I feel for you becouse you rolled the dice and the outcome is one of gloom. I'm sure you boyfriend is hiding something from you becouse he just left and his feelings changed out of nowhere. Maybe there's bigger issues that your not telling us, and I won't judge. But if there are then you should tell us the whole story so we can help you fully. Maybe there's someone else thats making him do what he did. Im sorry for what your going to go through......but you will survive it in due time. The bigger question is are you going to take him back and his two sons when they do decide to come back. Becouse as that old saying goes.....the grass may not be greener on the other side. Keep posting and we will come to your calling. Good luck.
juniorrocha Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 It's normal to feel that way. What's odd to me is why suddenly his feelings changed. There's something behind this that he never told you, I suppose. Anyway, as hard as it may be, if he wasn't interested in a relationship with you anymore, then you did the right thing, as you need time to heal/move on and constantly seeing the person not sharing any sort of affection with you only hurts even more. If he packed up and left, then it means he has where to stay, so you don't have to worry about that. If he had nowhere to go, I'm sure he would've asked to stay. Take care of yourself, try to eat even when you don't feel like it. Get out of the house, find something to do in your town. Anything. Even if it's just walking outside a bit. Grieving is fine, but don't stay in that state forever. If you have friends, invite them to do something, if you don't, you could try to make new ones from your work, or start some new hobby which interacts with people. The key is to occupy yourself with things that keep you away from thinking about him. Eventually things will get better and you'll feel alright again! 1
ajp1999 Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 Omg. Sweetie I'm so sorry this happened. And there is no closure because u don't know why he did what he did. I feel for u. Please hang in there. There were no signs or clues if anything was wrong?? Yeah maybe a mental illness or something he is trying to get over and hasn't talked to u about. ?? Stay strong my friend. U will get through this!! 1
Author Cinnimon Posted June 26, 2016 Author Posted June 26, 2016 In hindsight, this was the first time in 20 years he's had a home. He had been addicted to meth for 15 of those and slept on peoples couches and drifted from place to place. During that time he fathered 5 kids by 4 different women, left every single one of them, children included. He owes close to $100,000 in back child support. He had got the two youngest boys 2 years before he met me because their mom was doing meth and cps was going to put them into foster care so he got them. When we got together he and the boys were sleeping on a friends living floor on an old futon mattress. Soon after we got together he got his own place. He had nothing and I mean nothing. So I started helping him get stuff for his home, beds, dishes, towels, sheets, pots and pans ect ext ext.....He was still struggling with money, food, gas, a running vehicle so I provided these things as well. The boys had no clothes for winter time, no jackets, socks, shoes......So I provided those. When they had no food I would buy groceries for them. The whole time I didn't mind as I have been established for many years and could afford to do so. He was elated as were the boys as they all said they finally had a real home. When we decided to move in together everyone was so excited. I move my things in and it filled our new home completely. We had talked about marriage, his boys were embraced by my kids, calling each other brother and sisters, although my kids are all grown. My kids got together and through his youngest a real birthday party because he had never had one before. When we got the house together we had agreed to split everything down the middle, bills, food, expences..... When he left , he left me holding everything. Including his dog. He had said he always wanted a dog since he was little, that he had always wanted the boys to have a dog. So he went and found a dog and i went and got it for him. He left the dog behind when he left. I'm thinking now, he either used me, it was to much for him, he is an abandoner or he's just an a-hole. I don't really know what to think.
OneDayMaybe Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Just too much i think. I bet he really does love you so much. Maybe its because he loves you SO much and you've done all these wonderful things for him and his boys (the BEST things) he'll never feel good enough for you & even a little embarrassed. its nice to have dreams and share them with eachother, but part of the dream is getting to that place, in your own way, not just handed to you. Like the dog for example, he'd always said he'd love to have one, but i bet he had a 'time & place' in mind. Looking forward to it, but with an actual plan, cause now hes got his life 'on track', he can do these things. Excitement, the build up, etc. You cant do that when youre a meth addict and sleeping on couches..... Im going through something similar.....my man deserves so much, i love him so much and have tried so hard to give him the life he deserves....but ive tried too hard. Suffocating. Its so hard to take when youve only ever had the best intentions and THAT brings them pain. Then you feel pain when they go..... Ahhh i want to cry! I cant help your pain or offer advice on what next but i hope you can find an explanation... 1
anika99 Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 "I'm thinking now, he either used me, it was to much for him, he is an abandoner or he's just an a-hole." It's probably a bit of all of those things. This guy has issues up the ying yang. Did you really think a guy with that kind of baggage was going to be any good at having a normal relationship. Sad that his kids are stuck with such a mess of a father. It's sad that you got hurt too. Take some time to grieve and when you're ready to date again stay away from the strays with excessive baggage and sad stories. Your relationship with this guy was all out of balance from the start. Don't be the rescuer. 2
Chuff Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 In hindsight, this was the first time in 20 years he's had a home. He had been addicted to meth for 15 of those and slept on peoples couches and drifted from place to place. During that time he fathered 5 kids by 4 different women, left every single one of them, children included. He owes close to $100,000 in back child support. He had got the two youngest boys 2 years before he met me because their mom was doing meth and cps was going to put them into foster care so he got them. When we got together he and the boys were sleeping on a friends living floor on an old futon mattress. Cinnimon, honey, you dodged a bullet. Please love yourself and believe you deserve better. ((((hugs)))) 4
juniorrocha Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 After your second post, I'm not really surprised he left. You may not understand now how important it was for him to leave, but I'm sure soon enough you'll see the light and realize that you really dodged a bullet. Seems like you did everything you could so you two could have a nice life, and still he left you. That shows a lot about his personality. 3
Author Cinnimon Posted June 27, 2016 Author Posted June 27, 2016 Maybe I did dodge the second bullet but the first one was right on target, my heart.
Zahara Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 (edited) After that second post, it's looks like he perceived you as a provider rather than someone he wanted to develop a healthy relationship and future with -- you dodged a huge bullet. Hence the lack of emotional attachment to you. You don't see it right now but this is a blessing. Thank god you didn't marry this man and have kids, because he would have run you ragged and sucked you bone dry. Edited June 27, 2016 by Zahara 4
juniorrocha Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 Maybe I did dodge the second bullet but the first one was right on target, my heart. Yet you are still alive, aren't you? So consider it a blessing that you were shot in the heart and you still get to live. Now pretend you're healing from that bullet and eventually you'll be feeling alright again. 1
peonyrose Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 Hi cinnimon, the abadoner scenario sounds about right, I call them the "runners" they run from themselves their whole life, hurting and abandoning all people especially those they get close to. My fiance walked out on nearly 3 years of us being a family and living together with my teenage daughter, we were due to marry next spring. He packed a suitcase, walked on out, left no money for rent or bills, nothing! And blocked me on everything! I still can't believe it. He had 2 failed marriages, 2 children from 2 relationships and "All" his exes were " bad" women, I was a fool to think it would be any different for me. Seems he's telling people I had a problem with wine, the deceitful, disloyal monster. So that will be his tale of woe for his next victim. I so get how your feeling... 1
SixxChick Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 So consider it a blessing that you were shot in the heart and you still get to live. Now pretend you're healing from that bullet and eventually you'll be feeling alright again. I, too, was financially used. Despite all of the great stuff that spewed out of his lying mouth, in the long run, I was just a supply source. I'm sure he is on to the next one. Heaven help her. You DID dodge a bullet. I did too. However, healing of the heart will take time. Caring people just don't move on without introspection. In the meantime, fall in love with yourself and know that you have the capacity to actually care about someone. But that someone has to be worthy of everything that you have to give. What I have learned is that you cannot rescue anyone who does not have the capacity to give a crap about themselves, let alone you. There are better options out there for you, including being alone, rather than this loser. Take care. 3
Author Cinnimon Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 Thank you for the replies everyone. Being used and abandoned just leaves you feeling worthless. I am working hard to get through this, its slow coming. I feel like he just died, he hasn't said a word since the day he left , it feels like he's dead. It hurts like he's dead as well. God was I the biggest fool or what.
bummer Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 I'm not okay. Well write it down. I want to hear it. He's dead to you and gone awol which is good. I think you're being harsh on yourself. He's the jerk who said he's f'ed up. You're just the collateral damage to his problems. You are beautiful intelligent and trusting. You know to guard the trust a bit more in the future. You will be fine. You will recover. Just focus on something simple right now and get through the day. I'm cheering for you! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/583853-waiting-response-second-chance-email-but-found-out-something-devestating-9.html 1
Patrice Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 It's not you, it's him. Take your time to grieve this, and move on. There are so many messed up people out there. It makes it hard to trust! <Hugs> 1
PracticalGrit617 Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 Hi Cinnimon, It sounds like you're wrestling with a lot of confusion. What seems to make the situation more difficult is that there were two little boys involved whom, as you said, your children 'adopted' as their own siblings. It may be that you are experiencing grief, and not just a broken heart, in which healing will happen over time. Praise God, your second post shows that you are definitely being led to the truth in this situation. It hurts when those we love and trust deceive and betray us. Keep searching for the truth. Truth tends to lead to understanding, perspective and wisdom. In the future, you may consider seeking counseling, which can help in navigating and avoiding relational pitfalls. Know, above all, that you are loved and that you are being prayed for.
spiderowl Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 I'm so sorry to hear what happened. It sounds like things moved too fast. Maybe he's the kind of guy that leaps in excitedly, rushing ahead, and then fizzles out. It happens. Whatever, he sounds like he's a cold character capable of changing his mind just like that. Some guys are like that. I'm just really sorry you got hurt like this. I think you did the right thing by 'losing it'. Who wouldn't in that situation? He suggested getting a house and then decides he's made the wrong decision. He deserves to be thrown out. Now is the time to muster all resources to help you heal from this painful episode. Talk to friends and family, a therapist if you can, post on here. You haven't done anything wrong; you just happened to meet the wrong person. Later on, when you can look back on this and see it with perspective, you will realise you learned a lot. No-one wants to learn a lot from pain but hopefully it will help you to avoid similar guys in future. XX
bubbaganoosh Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 Your heart will heal. It takes time but I agree with a lot of other posters her that you dodged a bullet. This guy had way too much baggage in his life. You could do everything you did to this point and continue to give everything you have in the future and you still would have gotten the same thing down the road. I'm sorry that your hurting but I don't think you see the big picture. This guy is way deep over his head. Down the road he's going to have legal troubles along with money problems that would drain you dry. I honestly believe that he has no intentions of changing. He's dragging two kids down the tubes with him. He had a chance for a somewhat normal life with his kids and he knew that he would have to pull his weight and that's not in this guys program so he cuts out and cheats his kids. That should tell you something. Look. Get yourself squared away. Don't bother with this guy any longer because he'll take you down with him. Get it out of your system and when your ready, find a guy that isn't carrying a lifetimes worth of trouble around with him. You can be choosy which is a good thing to do. I mean your investing your life in it. Good luck to you.
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