th1ds Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 My boyfriend and I were a couple, and also best friends. We have one major issue in our relationship -- his family, particularly his mother. When we first started dating, she immediately wanted to meet me. I told my boyfriend no, as I felt 'meeting the family' was what happened a few months in the relationship, not a few weeks. His parents live about 2 minutes from his home, and she did not take my decision well. She got very worked up about it, and it caused us to break up for a time. We got back together and had a good relationship until we decided to holidays together. He spent Thanksgiving with my family. His mom hosted an early Thanksgiving for his aunt and uncle, then decided on hosting a second 'Thanksgiving' when she found out both her sons would be gone for the holiday. I was a little annoyed as I felt this was overkill, and since my boyfriend doesn't like to communicate I decided we should celebrate Christmas separately, so I could go visit my family for an extended period of time. His mom wanted to celebrate Christmas with me too, and that annoyed me as I don't consider my boyfriend's parents 'family' yet -- I think that is reserved for fiances and marriages. My boyfriend lived with his family until his early 30s, and he is very close with both his mom and his dad. She invited us over to her home for lunch one weekend after we had already made plans, and quite last minute. I asked if he wanted to go and he said yes, and since our plans that day involved us spending the day apart to take care of our respective homes I asked if it was OK if I declined. He was not happy. He is embarrassed I do not live by his life rules, which is that whenever his parents want him to come over and he wants to go, he wants me to go too. I was not happy that I wasn't asked if I wanted to go, or how we were going to change our original weekend plans, and since then we haven't been able to make any ground in our relationship. He feels that I should go wherever with him when he is invited and he wants to attend. I feel that since we do not live together and are not engaged, we don't have to do everything together all the time. I also feel like his mom excessively makes up times to get together, and while she doesn't care if his brother comes, he is a pleaser and wants to do whatever his mom wants and doesn't seem to care what I want or whether I want to do the same things. Most of the people he talks to side with him, that his family events are something I should do because we are a couple. I clearly don't agree, but would like other people's opinions. Do I have to suck it up and allow his mom's last-minute plans to always trump mine?
joseb Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 Well, if I was his mother I would feel that you are making absolutely zero effort whatsoever. Every invitation is rebuffed. Why did he spend thanksgiving with your family? Are you sure he wanted to do that? Or did he do it to be nice? 3
Author th1ds Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 But I have made an effort. I have gone to every birthday that his family celebrates, impromptu summer cookouts, and we regularly stop over to pick up his dog that they take care of when he goes places. I sometimes feel like it is a lot of time to see them, and more than I am used to. He said he decided to come to Thanksgiving so that we could spend Christmas with his family, but he never brought that discussion up or asked me to go with him ... which is why I finally decided to spend the Christmas holiday without him. He doesn't speak up until after the fact, then I'm the bad person for making a decision without him. He feels like all the invitations his parents extends are 'can't say no' and I don't agree.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 How long have you been together? It sounds to be as though there are some deeper incompatibilities in your relationship, to be honest.
Lois_Griffin Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 He is embarrassed I do not live by his life rules, which is that whenever his parents want him to come over and he wants to go, he wants me to go too. LOL. He's got a lot to be embarrassed about alright, but this issue is the least of it. Living at home until his low-to-mid 30's pretty much trumps anything else he thinks is 'embarrassing.' I'm willing to bet $1,000 he still drags his dirty laundry to mommy's house and she does it for him every week. This mama's boy is a complete waste of your time. He'll always be attached to their hips like a dependent child. It's great to be close to your parents, don't get me wrong. But this guy brings it to a whole new level.
Author th1ds Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 We've been together almost 2 years. To be honest, I think the issue with his mom is second to our issues with communication. I am his first girlfriend, ever, and sometimes I feel like I have to be the leader more than I would like to and that is tiresome. I also feel like he pulls the 'I'm new to this kind of stuff' when it suits him, but when I talk about sometimes saying no to a dinner here or there or maybe getting invites more than a day or two in advance I am asking for too much. I said no to meeting her initially, and also to a Christmas dinner that (to me) was unnecessary since we were celebrating apart. I try to respect the fact that my family can't invent dinners to see us and spend time with us and my parents wouldn't get a Christmas dinner with this two of us like they would. Maybe that makes me the bad person in this, but I'm trying to maintain a balance so my parents don't feel slighted because they can't spend as much time with us as we spend with his family. The third time I said no was a few weeks ago, when we had a full weekend of plans and the day we were asked was the only day we weren't spending together. Other than that, I've done them all. They are nice people, don't get me wrong, but the dinners aren't always comfortable or fun as I sit around and can't get a word in edgewise to allow them to get to know me (and I'm quiet to begin with), so they are less enjoyable now and feel more like a chore because it is the same thing all the time. They say they want to get to know me, but they conversation doesn't revolve around anything I can speak to or respond to.
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 You are not compatible on one of the big relationship aspect. It's never going to work, you are different at the core. Imagine when you do get married and have children how his parents will expect you and the grand-children over at every events. You are at both extreme in your beleif. Meeting the parents after 3 weeks is too much to ask but on the other hand not wanting to attend xmas with his parents because you're not engaged or married is also extreme on your part. I come from a close-knitted family. I see my siblings and their family on weekly basis. At least once a month there is a birthday party, a cook-out, a family activity we must all attend, we even vacation together at times! If my boyfriend was not open and flexible it would not work. When I was dating it was something I was forward about: I am family oriented and it's important to me. I really don't see you and this man working long term. 2
Author th1ds Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 Maybe you are right. I feel like he isn't meeting me halfway, so I'm not willing to meet him halfway. In his mind, when his mom asks us to do anything and he wants to do it -- we (he and I) are expected to go -- he doesn't have to ask. I am his girlfriend, so I have to follow him wherever he goes. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care what I want, that a family gathering is an expectation and my parents don't get that bothered if we don't come to events (and they honestly don't socialize as much as my ex-boyfriends parents do). I guess it isn't going to work out with us. 1
smackie9 Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 You are dating the wrong guy. If it was me, after the first few months I would have dumped him. Clearly this guy hasn't cut the apron strings, and his mother is still tugging on them. He is too old now to grow up and be a man, you can't make that happen, it's a losing battle. I suggest you breakup with him....enough is enough.
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 Maybe you are right. I feel like he isn't meeting me halfway, so I'm not willing to meet him halfway. In his mind, when his mom asks us to do anything and he wants to do it -- we (he and I) are expected to go -- he doesn't have to ask. I am his girlfriend, so I have to follow him wherever he goes. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care what I want, that a family gathering is an expectation and my parents don't get that bothered if we don't come to events (and they honestly don't socialize as much as my ex-boyfriends parents do). I guess it isn't going to work out with us. I can tell you this. For your boyfriend it's a ton of anxiety shed on his shoulders. He gets all types of pressure from his family, all types of questions why you're not there etc. And because he is family oriented when he is not there, or you're not there with him he feels he is failing his family. Do you understand that emotional stress that puts him in? Coming half way is not to let him win, it's about understanding his family pressure and to not add to it.
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 You are dating the wrong guy. If it was me, after the first few months I would have dumped him. Clearly this guy hasn't cut the apron strings, and his mother is still tugging on them. He is too old now to grow up and be a man, you can't make that happen, it's a losing battle. I suggest you breakup with him....enough is enough. It's not about the apron's string. There are many cultures where family is sacred and you are expected at every events. It's been passed down like that for generations. It's ingrained too deep to be undone at 20-30- or even 50.
smackie9 Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 In this case I doubt it .... since he has stuck it out a home until his 30's and never had a GF before.....it's aprons strings for him and yes anxiety about disappointing mommy dearest.
Versacehottie Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 You know what is weird, I feel like he is dating a version of his mother. You both (mom and OP) sound overbearing. Sorry. Relax a little. What's the point of being in a relationship if you don't compromise a bit??? You are keeping too much of a score. Or maybe as someone said you are just not as compatible as you think. I'm sure he's not perfect but the way you told the story in your OP, you come off sounding as if you believe you have done no wrong and actually it's all over the post that you have. It was quite the insight into what the relationship over this issue must be like. You are really digging your heels in. Family is family--sometimes you just have to deal with it if you want to be in your partner's life. Just like they will deal with YOU because they love him. Good luck
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