Looking to reset

[DJOkawari]

Hey everyone, this is a bit wordy but I hope you read it - I attempted to write it in a compelling manner as I have no one else I can tell.

 

I've been pretty emotionally vacant since the end of my last relationship. It's been 1.5 years and still earlier today when my friend texted me that he saw my ex on the train at 6 am, my heart jumped into my throat... and that aggravates me. I immediately texted him back something silly and made him laugh but internally I was in knots, "what was she doing?", "where was she coming from?", "who was she with?" etc. Ugh. It's so ridiculous for me to feel negative emotions about it given that when I received the message I was also awake and returning from a party with a girl I had just met. I'm that emotionally affected and illogical...after 1.5 years!!

 

Him and her apparently live in the same neighborhood in NY now. They both used to live near me in dc, so it was surprising for both to see each other and he wanted to talk about it but I didn't really continue the conversation. I have that much control at least. I'm often at his place (was just there last weekend for example...might be later this week) so I know this new knowledge is going to mess with me and I'm gonna think about her a lot when I'm up there.

 

Coming back to my life: I'm busy with 2 jobs, a number of hobbies and side projects, and partying into the early morning. Notice I didn't say anything about dating? I often only have time for a late dinner and a sleepover, maybe a little fun in the morning and then I'm gone again. In spite of this there are a lot of girls interested in me.

 

I think I'm enjoyable to be around but I essentially put in 0 effort and these girls call me up and if I have time, I'll do the whole dinner and a sleepover thing. I don't ever call anyone up. Just looking through the last 2 weeks in dc there are 8 different girls. I travel a reasonable amount as well so this isn't counting that.

 

I was at a party for a friend this past friday and he invited his social circle, which overlaps a lot with mine and the party got really weird. I was seeing too many of the girls there (they all know I'm seeing other people - just not particularly whom) and they started becoming friends with each other and as the night wore on, coming onto me in front of the others and it was just toxic. No drama but I had an epiphany: in spite of how males in American society are conditioned to think this scenario is "epic", there is nothing fulfilling about it. I extend this apathy and lack of fulfillment to my friends male and female as well.

 

I can think of 4 people whom I actually want to keep in my life family, friends, lovers included. To be honest, it is 4 male friends. The rest I feel like I'd be happy to cut ties with if I could do so without hurting them. I cant, and so I'm trapped.

 

The messed up thing is that these girls I'm seeing are so good to me and I put in almost 0 effort and I still think it is too much trouble and want out. Plus, I'm still thinking about my ex who cheated on me multiple times and honestly doesnt deserve another thought from me...but that's not how my brain works. I don't want her back but my chest does hurt thinking about her right now.

 

I want a reset from this insanity and I don't want to hurt anyone. I think about moving and not telling anyone a lot.

 

I really hope someone can relate or comment on this because I can't tell anyone I know the entire story...they'd be upset. Even those 4 guys I would like to keep around, they know I'm seeing a few people but I don't think they realize I'm sleeping with almost every attractive girl that comes into our circle or we meet at parties (they are into some of these girls too). It's not like I did it on purpose, the girls were interested in me, pursued me, and I was 100% upfront about how I was seeing other people.

 

Largely it has made me pessimistic about women and romance because individually each of these girls is a catch (employed, college educated, ambitious, beautiful, kind, etc.) and if I examine why they are interested in me it comes down to a few characteristics: looks, money, how I'm dating other women, experience in bed, and being good at conversing. It really makes me think this whole love thing is some bs and that whole "80% of the women with 20% of the guys" mantra that bitter people spread might actually be true.

 

Sorry if I sound like a deplorable human being, I would argue that I'm just lost... I hope that doesn't hold you back in offering me some advice because as I stated earlier, I have no one else to ask.

 

Has anyone ever wanted a reset like this? What do I do?

[smackie9]

Your problem is, is that you never had proper closure....you are still in a holding pattern. Some would suggest to write her an email or take pen to paper (if people still do that these days lol) and write down exactly how you feel if you had the opportunity to let her know the damage she has cause from her deplorable actions during your relationship. Then get a journal, and simply write down your anger or disappointment every time she enters your mind. What this does is releases all those emotions you have kept buried for the last 1 1/2 years. Letting go and finding peace with what happened with her is your goal. Then you won't be this hollow person that has been walking around for so long.

[DJOkawari]

Thank you for responding!!

 

I really like the idea... I just don't know what to write. The pain is tied to the fact that even though she treated me like **** at a certain peroid....before that was pretty perfect. I certainly had my hand in the deterioration of the relationship as well.

 

Another big part is we would tell each other that: we were really happy in the relationship but we both were hoping to "explore' more before meeting each other. Individually at different times, multiple times, we expressed the idea that we wished we had met each other when we were older. Well we're older now, and I've experienced a lot. I feel like it is the scenario I was describing in the past. I haven't kept track of her so I don't know where she is mentally at but, I feel like I've progressed to where I was referring to previously by "older". There's definitely some pain and emotion there.

 

The cheating isn't as huge of a deal as each incidence was tied to her and alcohol. She had just started drinking and she ended up out of control. Each time she would wake up (at around 6 am...probably why that text from my friend triggered me so much, I guess) and call me crying, confessing (to something I wouldnt have known otherwise) and begging for me to keep her. Twice I comforted her and told her that she needs to work on it but the third time I was pretty cold to her and that's when we fell apart officially and I do not regret that. I don't think the cheating had as much to do with my or her character or the quality of the relationship...she genuinely was apologetic...it's what happens when you drink too much and lose control. I imagine she has it under control now given that I had a drug problem then too (which I've squared away now). She also had some mental issues for which she has medication for now. I also had my own issues which I've since squared away. A lot of this is just a prediction but I feel she has dealt with both issues. A lot of pain surrounds the fact that maybe right now we are really compatible. Obviously that may not be the case. I said earlier I wouldnt like to have her back, because there is a certain amount of disrespect she showed me and that hurt a lot, but I'm over that pain. Largely I'm sticking to my guns because of principle as well as out of self preservation as well as the mantra that is repeated here and by all of my real life contacts: don't contact your ex.

 

More pain resides around the "what if" given we are both now older and how I do not see myself long term with anyone I've met after her. The reason I've been okay with dating/seeing so many people is that I figured I'd meet one whom I did feel like I could see long term. I haven't been able to. She has had at least one serious relationship since (she's more of a relationship to relationship type person anyway). Some pain is tied to the idea that my best relationship moving forward is still with her (and that she doesn't feel that way or will treat me like **** again).

 

Those are the only things I can think of. I would love to write but I feel like I've explored those topics a lot. They seem like dead-ends to me. Any advice? Do you see anything new?

 

I'm assuming I wasn't meant to actually send the email/letter and it was purely for personal use.

Edited June 26, 2016 by DJOkawari

[PogoStick]

Listen to Smackie because she probably read all of that.

[DJOkawari]

Thanks for attempting to read it, PogoStick. It is very long. Here's a short version of my last response, maybe it'll be readable for you:

 

Also, yes, I thanked Smackie multiple times for reading it.

 

In my response, I stated: I would love to take her advice. I just don't know how/what to write. Then I explained why. Also, I'm confused on if I actually send the email/letter to my ex. I'm assuming I don't, but then why not do it all in a journal.

 

I'm really not arguing with her - I just wanted clarification.

Edited June 26, 2016 by DJOkawari

[Justanaverageguy]

I have some similarities in my own case. 2 years out of a divorce where I caught my ex cheating.

 

I do not have the difficulties dealing with my ex like you. She really doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I still have to see her occasionally as I take the dog we had every now and then. We do pick up and drop offs and its civil and fine no bother for me at all. She has made multiple attempts toget back together which I rejected now things are just civil.

 

In terms of dating other girls though my experiences are very similar. I've been on a similar path of putting in zero effort pusuing girls but getting loads of attention and having lots of casual encounters, FWB and one night stands. Most of the girls are very attractive and most seem to want something more but I just don't feel it.

 

I had one great girl last year. Knockout hot, really fun, kind and shared a lot of interests with me. I tried to force myself to date her because she was a dead set catch .... But still it was forced and I just didn't feel it and it showed. I think it nearly sent her nuts because she was so used to guys throwing themselves at her and I was just .... Meh. She was totally not used to it and I realized that was partly why she was so into me.

 

It's weird thing you pick up - that being emotionally unavailable tends to make good looking women very attracted to you. I think they need that validation of being wanted by you. At the moment I'm pretty bored with the casual fling stuff but just can't seem to get the "feeling" or "desire" back regarding a more serious relationship. I haven't met a single girl who gave me that buzz of really wanting them.

[DJOkawari]

She has made multiple attempts toget back together which I rejected now things are just civil.

 

Key difference, maybe. My ex attempted to come back a few times, and I accepted her and she ended it a little while later (an event I view positively now) - maybe that's the difference in mentality between us.

 

In terms of dating other girls though my experiences are very similar. I've been on a similar path of putting in zero effort pusuing girls but getting loads of attention and having lots of casual encounters, FWB and one night stands. Most of the girls are very attractive and most seem to want something more but I just don't feel it.

 

I had one great girl last year...

 

Yes, exactly, you've nailed it. That's why I can't tell people about this stuff in my real life. Many of my friends are genuinely good guys who would treat any woman wonderfully but instead those women are interested in me - the guy who can't seem to text back in time. I isolated the key characteristics in my first post and I'll reiterate, I think they are: appearance, emotional unavailability, means (aka money + free time) to do fun things, and sexual experience. Of course attention from 1 girl will make others interested, it seems. And like we've both been saying these aren't immature, superficial young girls these are fully grown women who would be wonderful life partners. It has made me really pessimistic about finding love or romance.

 

 

It's weird thing you pick up - that being emotionally unavailable tends to make good looking women very attracted to you. I think they need that validation of being wanted by you. At the moment I'm pretty bored with the casual fling stuff but just can't seem to get the "feeling" or "desire" back regarding a more serious relationship. I haven't met a single girl who gave me that buzz of really wanting them.

 

I agree but amusingly I think it makes people in general want to befriend you and be around you (in addition to the general respect you receive by having attractive women around). I have a ton more "friends" (both genders) whom have all treated me really well but as I said in my initial post I'd like to disappear from their lives as well. The idea of "I haven't met a single girl who gave me that buzz of really wanting them.", for me, translates to friendships as well. No one has given me that buzz of caring about them in a long while.

 

 

It appears you are content being this way?

[Justanaverageguy]

I isolated the key characteristics in my first post and I'll reiterate, I think they are: appearance, emotional unavailability, means (aka money + free time) to do fun things, and sexual experience. Of course attention from 1 girl will make others interested, it seems. And like we've both been saying these aren't immature, superficial young girls these are fully grown women who would be wonderful life partners. It has made me really pessimistic about finding love or romance.

 

 

Yeah that's pretty much it. Tick pretty much all of those - I'm decent looking, I have a good job with a high disposable income, nice car and own my own house outright. These are big things for women. I also think women in my age bracket (late 20s early 30s) just act different. They want to settle down and finding a good available man at this age is quite difficult so they are definitely more forward and aggressive in their pursuit.

 

I hang with a meetup drinking group on a regular basis and the girls their are a bit scary. It's like lord of the flies competing for guys. Very different to how it worked back in college days. Seriously sometimes it's just awkward when you have 3 or 4 clawing at you for attention.

 

The idea of "I haven't met a single girl who gave me that buzz of really wanting them.", for me, translates to friendships as well. No one has given me that buzz of caring about them in a long while.

 

It appears you are content being this way?

 

No for me this is strictly limited to romantic relationships. I've made a ton of really high quality and diverse friends in the last 2 years. People I think I will stay in contact for a long time. Probably the opposite applies to friends actually it's been an amazing couple of years for making new friends.

 

As for am I content .... Not really it feels odd to be honest. At first I tried to force things which didn't work so I've just decided to accept this is where I am right now. I'm upfront and honest with girls I see and basically just say coming off a long term relationship (even though it was a while back). Not looking for anything super serious.

[PogoStick]

The journal is a good idea. You don't need to ask what to write because there is no correct answer. Just write your thoughts and feelings down, whatever comes out is therapeutic.