avocadodreams Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) After getting out of a two year relationship, I feel like a stranger to this dating thing... I'm also sure this question gets asked a lot. And although context matters and "it depends" or "do what feels right" is great, I'm still curious what you guys think I just started seeing someone and our first date was almost two weeks ago on Monday, initiated by him. 2nd date was this past Saturday, I initiated. 3rd date was two days later, this last Monday, he texted me first, but I was the one to initiate a meet-up. Anyway, I texted him the next morning on Tuesday thanking him and telling him he's awesome. He replied with with a thank you too, you're awesome too. Now it's Friday and I haven't heard anything from him? Is this any indication of his level of interest? Worth noting that on the first date, we were cuddling and started kissing, I told him kissing was too much for me since I just got out of a relationship. He replied very respectfully. I wonder if he feels that I'm not interested in connecting physically (which I now feel ready for) or that I'm not over my ex. Last date had a few awkward moments, but ended with some implication of doing something together again. I feel exbarassed and ridiculous for overthinking this. I know it's only been 3/4 days, but I don't know what my expectations should be. Or what is considered "normal" (if that even exists or is worth thinking about) I'm considering texting him tomorrow to hang out, but I then I'd worry if I'm pushing for something that's not quite wanted Edited June 24, 2016 by avocadodreams
BettyDraper Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 "Normal" is defined by whomever is dating. Either he wants more physical contact so he doesn't want to go out with you again or maybe he's just playing it cool. Just remember that a man who is interested in a woman will show it. 3
katiegrl Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 (edited) So you started kissing on the first date but you shut him (or it) down cuz you weren't ready. Was there any kissing or physical affection on your second and third dates? Keep in mind, from what I know about men... a man needs at least some physical affection in order to connect with you emotionally. Not sex necessarily but kissing, holding hands, some form of physical affection. If there wasn't any on your second and third dates, then you have a friendship. If that's the case, then no it does not sound like he is all that interested in you romantically at this point.... otherwise he would have initiated a fourth date with you. You initiated dates 2 and 3 so I would not advise initiating the fourth yourself. If there was physical affection/kissing on the second and third dates, then he may just have plans this weekend and will contact you next week. He could be multi-dating. Edited June 25, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 (edited) I just started seeing someone and our first date was almost two weeks ago on Monday, initiated by him. 2nd date was this past Saturday, I initiated. 3rd date was two days later, this last Monday, he texted me first, but I was the one to initiate a meet-up. Anyway, I texted him the next morning on Tuesday thanking him and telling him he's awesome. He replied with with a thank you too, you're awesome too. Now it's Friday and I haven't heard anything from him? Also worth mentioning is that, next time, let him do some initiating. Especially in the very early stages (first few dates). Okay he asked you out first but then YOU proceeded to take charge and ran with it. You initiated the second and third dates and THEN contacted him the next day telling him he is awesome. That is too much.... and gave him no time to wonder about you, think about you or miss you.... which increases attraction in the early stages. Except for the first date, it appears you were doing all the work..... or at least most of it. JMO (and I may get slammed for saying this) but in my experience when a woman does most or all the work and doesn't allow the man to wonder and think about her, it squelches his romantic desire for her.... You gotta keep him moving towards you.... let him wonder about you a bit, think about you, miss you! Don't play games, just keep busy and live your life and let him come to you sometimes. You can reciprocate and initiate sometimes too, but in your case you were doing most of it. Again doing this increases attraction for both people! Anyway, this may also have contributed to his lackluster behavior now. Edited June 25, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Author avocadodreams Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 Was there any kissing or physical affection on your second and third dates? Ah. Just hugs... Not that I turned anything down, it just didn't happen. I think he's trying to be respectful after what I said earlier, and so I feel it's up to me to open it up to more physical connection - which I'm proving to not be very good at. Second date we were naked at a soak and sauna though. And at the end of the last date I offered to give him a massage sometime (I'm an LMT) to which he replied with a yeah, maybe I can give you one too. Worth somethin, right? Overall, I agree with holding off a bit - I am feeling like I'm doing too much work... I would feel irritated if not completely moving on from my ex has ruined this (he's already caused me enough problems!) At the same time, if someone's lost interest in me because they feel I'm moving too slow physically or contacting him too much, then I'm not really into them either. Big lesson recently is that I deserve someone who's excited about me just as I am.
katiegrl Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 (edited) Ah. Just hugs... Not that I turned anything down, it just didn't happen. I think he's trying to be respectful after what I said earlier, and so I feel it's up to me to open it up to more physical connection - which I'm proving to not be very good at. Second date we were naked at a soak and sauna though. And at the end of the last date I offered to give him a massage sometime (I'm an LMT) to which he replied with a yeah, maybe I can give you one too. Worth somethin, right? Overall, I agree with holding off a bit - I am feeling like I'm doing too much work... I would feel irritated if not completely moving on from my ex has ruined this (he's already caused me enough problems!) --- **At the same time, if someone's lost interest in me because they feel I'm moving too slow physically or contacting him too much, then I'm not really into them either. Big lesson recently is that I deserve someone who's excited about me just as I am. ^^Fair enough but if you read these threads, from a guy's perspective, he could be, and probably is, thinking "if a woman isn't attracted enough to me to even want to kiss me by date three, then I am just going to move on and find a woman who is.". Yes men do feel this way, read these threads. As far as contacting him too much, the early stages of stages are very precarious ..... we are still figuring out exactly how attracted we are to each other If you start chasing a guy (or doing most of the work) while he is still figuring it out, you are not allowing him to move towards you, and thus you risk squelching whatever attraction he has developed up to that point. Your call, but to be successful in dating it is important to be aware the different nuances between men and women. I learned this myself just by reading this board and all the different posts and threads by men! Yes you do deserve a man who is 100% excited about you! But sometimes that takes longer than three dates, and well, if you're not even comfortable kissing him, not sure what you expect him to think other than "you" are not all that excited about "him"..... We're taking kissing here... not hot unadulterated sex....lol Edited June 25, 2016 by katiegrl
Hermus Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 (edited) After getting out of a two year relationship, I feel like a stranger to this dating thing... I'm also sure this question gets asked a lot. And although context matters and "it depends" or "do what feels right" is great, I'm still curious what you guys think I just started seeing someone and our first date was almost two weeks ago on Monday, initiated by him. 2nd date was this past Saturday, I initiated. 3rd date was two days later, this last Monday, he texted me first, but I was the one to initiate a meet-up. Anyway, I texted him the next morning on Tuesday thanking him and telling him he's awesome. He replied with with a thank you too, you're awesome too. Now it's Friday and I haven't heard anything from him? Is this any indication of his level of interest? Worth noting that on the first date, we were cuddling and started kissing, I told him kissing was too much for me since I just got out of a relationship. He replied very respectfully. I wonder if he feels that I'm not interested in connecting physically (which I now feel ready for) or that I'm not over my ex. Last date had a few awkward moments, but ended with some implication of doing something together again. I feel exbarassed and ridiculous for overthinking this. I know it's only been 3/4 days, but I don't know what my expectations should be. Or what is considered "normal" (if that even exists or is worth thinking about) I'm considering texting him tomorrow to hang out, but I then I'd worry if I'm pushing for something that's not quite wanted Ah. Just hugs... Not that I turned anything down, it just didn't happen. I think he's trying to be respectful after what I said earlier, and so I feel it's up to me to open it up to more physical connection - which I'm proving to not be very good at. Second date we were naked at a soak and sauna though. And at the end of the last date I offered to give him a massage sometime (I'm an LMT) to which he replied with a yeah, maybe I can give you one too. Worth somethin, right? Overall, I agree with holding off a bit - I am feeling like I'm doing too much work... I would feel irritated if not completely moving on from my ex has ruined this (he's already caused me enough problems!) At the same time, if someone's lost interest in me because they feel I'm moving too slow physically or contacting him too much, then I'm not really into them either. Big lesson recently is that I deserve someone who's excited about me just as I am. Great you are taking the initiative. Although some guys might be turned off by women who do this, in general I think it's a good thing to do. Personally I would really like it. However, it sounds like you accidentally friendzoned him. At this point he might not know what's going on, since you turned down the kissing and there was less physical contact on follow up dates. What's the deal with this not ready for kissing anyway? Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but a kiss is a kiss. It creates a physical connection, but it's not that you are immediately romantically attached. I would definitely think she's not that interested and is just making up excuses. Personally I don't usually follow up on dates if there is no kissing or intimacy involved. Even on the first date, if there is no kiss to me it's a sign the physical connection isn't there and I don't pursue it further. I've dated very sweet and beautiful girls I didn't try to get a second date with because of the lack of physical connection. On the other hand there have been girls who I wasn't even that highly interested in, but with whom I kissed and therefore decided to go on a second date. If you say you were not ready for kissing, it even makes me wonder whether you actually really feel attracted to him or that you might be looking for a friend and confuse it with romance. If you are truly interested in pursuing him romantically you could send him some flirty messages to show him you're still available to him. However, I wouldn't initiate date 4 since you already initiated 2 and 3. At some point both sides have to put in effort. However, since you physically have kept a distance during the first few dates if he will initiate a date 4 and you are really interested, I think it would be good if you initiate some more physical contact. You have set boundaries and if he is a well-mannered guy he won't cross them, so you need to show that these boundaries no longer apply. Snuggle up to him or gently touch his knee... ^^Fair enough but if you read these threads, from a guy's perspective, he could be, and probably is, thinking "if a woman isn't attracted enough to me to even want to kiss me by date three, then I am just going to move on and find a woman who is.". Yes men do feel this way, read these threads. Exactly this. If there is no physical contact involved that's what people call a Platonic friendship, right? In that case things just might not be worth pursuing. Edited June 25, 2016 by Hermus 1
Author avocadodreams Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 the early stages of stages are very precarious ..... we are still figuring out exactly how attracted we are to each other Thanks, yeah, I see your point. It's kind of a fine line -- I can't expect him to be excited about me right away and be direct about it (I know I wasn't with him, but now my interest is growing) But, it's a balance. There is a certain point where I feel like I could be using my energy in better ways than trying to analyze the games and etiquette of dating. I'm gonna admit I'm already reading into this too much. Ideally, I'd like to be as authentic as possible when relating to others, and hopefully they'll do the same. But sometimes that takes longer than three dates, and well, if you're not even comfortable kissing him, not sure what you expect him to think other than "you" are not all that excited about "him"..... Yeah, I worry that he thinks I just want to be friends. I want to share with him that I feel more than that, but I guess I'm now faced with putting in too much effort? Confusing. Also, I'm comfortable with kissing (and more) now, just hasn't happened.
Author avocadodreams Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 However, it sounds like you accidentally friendzoned him. At this point he might not know what's going on, since you turned down the kissing and there was less physical contact on follow up dates. What's the deal with this not ready for kissing anyway? Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but a kiss is a kiss. It creates a physical connection, but it's not that you are immediately romantically attached. I would definitely think she's not that interested and is just making up excuses. Yeah :/ Whoops. A kiss is a kiss. And a kiss is also more -- especially when you just got out of an intense 2 year relationship a month and half ago. (don't tell anyone, but afterwards, I felt this weird feeling like I had cheated on my ex. Didn't last long though!) If you are truly interested in pursuing him romantically you could send him some flirty messages to show him you're still available to him. However, I wouldn't initiate date 4 since you already initiated 2 and 3. At some point both sides have to put in effort. However, since you physically have kept a distance during the first few dates if he will initiate a date 4 and you are really interested, I think it would be good if you initiate some more physical contact. You have set boundaries and if he is a well-mannered guy he won't cross them, so you need to show that these boundaries no longer apply. Snuggle up to him or gently touch his knee... Good ideas, thanks.
zenguy Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 His initial thought after the first date might've been friend zoned. Generally if a guy likes you he won't mind if you make it clear you want to be with him. Sometimes people make too much about how to play the game, it's really just simple attraction, you don't need to follow rules. A couple days of no contact isn't a big deal, but it's certainly plausible he's not sure where you stand.
katiegrl Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 (edited) How long ago did you and your ex break up? 1.5 months ago? I mean, just a thought, but if kissing a new man feels like you are cheating on your ex, perhaps it is too soon to be dating? He may be concerned he is just a rebound! Rebounds very rarely work out. The general advice (on here and in the real world) is to stay clear from people who have recently ended their relationships for that reason. So there is that...... Edited June 25, 2016 by katiegrl
Author avocadodreams Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 Welp, I decided to say f*ck it and went ahead and initiated contact, and a 4th date. And... it went well! He seemed happy to see me and I made sure to show him this time that he's not just a friend. We ended up making out and what not. Wanted to share this to say that sometimes it's okay to be a woman and make a lot of the first moves in the beginning. Although I like being pursued myself, I'm open to switching it up sometimes. And just because I'm doing most of the initiating, doesn't mean the other person's lost interest. Definitely would not want to feel like the only one putting any effort the whole time though. Hopefully now that it's more clear I like him, he will feel more compelled to initiate more.
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