Zahara Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Just watch TV and chill out mostly Oh Amy. Don't you think you deserve better? You should aim higher. This doesn't sound like a relationship. More like you being there as a benefit to satisfy his needs. 2
Shining One Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 You mentioned that you are housemates. How do you pay your share of the bills while jobless? Is he covering more than his share of the living costs? If so, I could see him viewing that as his "contribution" to the relationship. 2
Author Amy77 Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 You mentioned that you are housemates. How do you pay your share of the bills while jobless? Is he covering more than his share of the living costs? If so, I could see him viewing that as his "contribution" to the relationship. I only became jobless (due to the business, no fault of mine ) three weeks ago, have my rent monthly paid since last month so he has contributed nothing
BettyDraper Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 He's such a lovely person to me and we do get along great, it's just the lack of little gifts, dates etc I wouldn't stay with someone like this. When I was younger, I learned from experience that stingy men are usually selfish and make poor partners as a result. I'm not saying a man must shower his girlfriend with gifts. However, some generosity should be shown by both people in a relationship. A lovely person wouldn't be this cheap. 2
Author Amy77 Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 Oh Amy. Don't you think you deserve better? You should aim higher. This doesn't sound like a relationship. More like you being there as a benefit to satisfy his needs. That's all I am used to, so perhaps am a bit clueless how a boyfriend and girlfriend should act too .. Wow this thread has opened my eyes! 1
Shining One Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 I only became jobless (due to the business, no fault of mine ) three weeks ago, have my rent monthly paid since last month so he has contributed nothingIn that case, you should reevaluate why you're in this relationship, like others have said. I would never encourage anyone (man or woman) to stay in a relationship where they are giving disproportionally. I have dropped women for going four dates without opening their purse... tolerating this for seven months would be beyond me. 1
VeveCakes Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 It just sounds like you are roommates who sleep together. Is he lazy? Does he go out with friends? Or just stay at home all the time? 2
Zahara Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 That's all I am used to, so perhaps am a bit clueless how a boyfriend and girlfriend should act too .. Wow this thread has opened my eyes! There's a reason you are posting because something isn't sitting right with you. You know there's something wrong with this picture and that is why you are questioning this relationship. It is because he's not measuring up to your needs and wants. And you don't have to have experience with relationships to know what you deserve. Deep down, you already know. He sounds lazy and selfish. Cuddles, giggles and TV is not going to sustain you. If this guy cares and loves you, he would make every effort to extend his generosity not just with gifts but with his time and energy. He can't take you out for a movie -- even a matinee which is half priced? How about you both pack a picnic basket and spend a lovely day out together? How about you two go hiking together? Maybe take a nice long drive down the countryside together and stop at a little mom and pop place for a quiet romantic dinner? Inexpensive dates. Quality time together. Have you ever suggested or expressed that you would like to do more than just chill? Sitting at home watching TV? Then sex before he goes to bed I'm sure? How convenient. You're 20. There's much more for you out there than this bozo. 9
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 We just get along great, he makes me laugh and smile and makes me feel very special with his words and cuddles and he is a genuinely lovely person inside etc, it's just the lack of doing things like spontaneous days out and things that i wish he would do there are five love languages......he would have no idea of what yours is if you dont tell him what you appreciate ......be honest with him...and dont let it come out in arguments when you feel pissed off......sit down and have a talk ...rationally...with thoughtfulness....and be willing enough to hear and understand what he has to say as well...deb 1
Justanaverageguy Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 I the context of this one off incident I would say don't buy a gift for someone with the main context being you expecting to get something in return. Sounds like you have been stewing on his lack of gift buying / dates and this was a typical women's passive aggressive trap. Not saying what you want - expecting him to read your mind and getting angry that he didn't. I would kind of understand the guys position in that you essentially set him up with the gift buying and I would think that was the main motivation behind the gift buying. Not excusing the guy - but really this simply brought to the surface your own feelings in a not so healthy way. I don't know your relationship what the guy does or doesn't do ... But not all men use monetary gifts as a way of showing affection or that they care. Communication is key - if this is important to you let him know in a non passive aggressive / women's trap way. If you raise the issue in healthy way - you're more likely to get a healthy response 2
basil67 Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 I couldn't agree more that you shouldn't spend money you don't have to spare on him. And I too, would be annoyed if my daughter spent the birthday money I gave her on her boyfriend. Have you ever suggested that you pay for one outing and he pays for the next outing and take it in turns? It's much nicer than paying for each thing separately. 1
joseb Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 Yeah this just sounds like 'flatmates with benefits' to be honest. He just sounds really lazy, and I guess if you are just going along with it he will stay that way. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 So my boyfriend of 7 months (who is also my housemate as that's how we met) who has a full time job and good wages, never buys me anything, which I never thought about until today , when I , who does not have a job atm, brought him a pair of shoes worth 70€ from my birthday money from my mother which is next week as I just wanted to surprise him. He said thanks etc, then we went to subway for food and I was expecting him to pay for mine at least, but when the time came to pay he got his own and looked at me as I paid for mine which did annoy me as I spent most of my money on him just hours before , and he got paid today so had 400+ on his account. Now I'm thinking he has never once got me a gift , not even Valentine's Day where he said he couldn't get the time to buy me anything , even though I brought him stuff, and this led to our first fight. Now he knows I'm angry at him and I told him why and he just stormed off upstairs. Do I have a right to be mad? I'm not superficial just would be nice to be surprised sometimes, and seeing my friends boyfriends buy them little cute gifts all the time just makes me wonder why he doesn't get me anything. This guy is SUCH an a*sshole. When my now-husband and I were dating or living together, he didn't act like a selfish, stingy fool like this kid. That would be the freakin' DAY he'd buy himself a meal and then look at me to buy my own. Who DOES that? But let me guess. The stingy little jerk has no problem letting YOU do everything at home - cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. etc. while HE plays on his x-box all night, right? Find your self respect and lose this loser. 3
smackie9 Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 I think you misunderstood the arrangement. Just because he is nice to you and you sleep together doesn't make you BF/GF. I'm sure if you bring it up to him you will find out you are actually FWB. 2
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 I am 20 and he is 22, I have met his family and he has met mine, I like his family and he likes mine Actually my question was not if you had met his family, I am sure you met each other's family just like any room-mates meet families at some point. My questions is do you visit each other's family? Do you spend Xmas with him and his family? Do you bring your boyfriend to your mom's for Easter's Dinner? Does he bring you to his dad's birthday party? 1
Sunlight72 Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 I think you misunderstood the arrangement. Just because he is nice to you and you sleep together doesn't make you BF/GF. I'm sure if you bring it up to him you will find out you are actually FWB. Yep. Of course we don't know the entirety of your interactions with him, but from what you've written, it sounds like you two were conveniently located to each other, and he's pleasant to you which led to hugging which led to kissing which led to sex. A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship can be different for different people, but in my world it would progress more like... meeting a few times in the neighborhood/at work/at a shop, one (usually the guy) asking the other out for coffee/tea/lunch/something a few times, phone/email/text conversations sprinkled in, finding fun and interests you share & talking about them and going places (museums, music performances, parks, friends' get-togethers, etc.) including some physical playful touching & sitting too-close, etc., leading to kissing, leading to more trips out together, leading to more kissing, leading to heavy petting leading to sex. There are several nice things about this process (I think)... You are making a template of how you will spend time together once you do become intimate, so you can look forward to not only TV & sex, but also going out to do things you enjoy together, and planning little trips and little adventures together. Also, you have many opportunities in the times apart to check in with your heart, and your head, and your friends to see if you want to continue exploring with this person. If not, there are many chances to stop things before they get too tangled. Also, during the time of this exploring/getting-to-know-each-other stage, you have the hours apart, doing your own life-stuff like work, visiting other friends, visiting your family, to keep you balanced. Without those other social activities, a person can easily use time with their partner as the only social event, which makes it really hard to gauge if you should continue, because to suddenly not continue will effectively end your entire social life, which will feel more extreme than continuing even a poor relationship. You said this is his (maybe your?) first relationship and you don't quite know what a healthy relationship looks like, so that's why I took the time to think about it and share a few of the points I think are included in a positive, healthy life that has a healthy relationship as part of that life. In short though, I agree with Smackie9 and other folks who suggest that your 'boyfriend' thinks of you as a sweety who is conveniently open for snuggles and sex when he's home. Not a partner he wants to win over and build a relationship with. Sounds like you're his favorite flat-mate, not his girlfriend. Choose what you want. It's completely your decision to make. Best Wishes, Sunlight 5
MovingOnIsHard Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 ^^ agree 100% Personally I would not puruse a romantic relationship with a flatmate for several reasons: 1. If things go sour, it'll be awkward to be around each other 24hrs a day. 2. It makes it wayy to easy for the guy. Why would he need to make the effort to wine and fine you when you both live under the same roof? It's like being in a marriage without the foundation behind it. You are young. Don't put out for the nearest boy in your vicinity. There's plenty of better fish in the deeper waters. ;-)
Grapesofwrath Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 Whether you are FWB or bf/gf, I think there is an important lesson for you here: Everyone has different needs from their partner in order to feel loved. Some people call this the Love Languages. The important thing is that the action that makes one person feel loved may not work on another person. Some people feel most loved when they are given gifts. Others feel most loved when they are given affection, or attention, or when they are told they are loved. Others feel it when someone provides help or assistance or care, like planning a date. Figure out which one is the one that identifies you, then communicate that to him. Let him tell you what he likes. Maybe, for him, cuddling and downtime together makes him feel loved. Maybe not. He will have to tell you. Just like you can tell him that you feel loved when he makes plans for your time together, and spends some small amount of money on you. See how he responds. If he is open to flexing his style to suit your needs, he is a bf. If he rolls his eyes or dismisses the topic, he is just a FWB.
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