heartbroken56 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Hello all, I really need to share my story. So I just graduated from college and I'm going to be 22 soon. I dated a boy my senior year of college. We met when we interned together last summer and it was out of my state. We were friends through out the internship. Then after it ended, we stayed in touch and even though it was "long distance", we fell in love and decided to date. We saw each other once to twice a month, we were really lucky to keep up the momentum. We both start our jobs soon (him in July, and me sadly only in November) and we we weren't gonna be in the same city but we were gonna be closer in distance than before so it was a positive. For both of us, the distance was never an issue because we both put in efforts to see one another and were looking forward to how it was going to be post-grad life. Only issue is that through out the course of my relationship, I constantly only heard negativity from my parents. They never gave me a reason as too why they didn't like him. It wasn't him, it could have been any boy. They thought I was too young to be in a serious relationship. I constantly had to validate my relationship when I was dating a guy who treated me with so much respect and loved me so much. He graduated from one of the best colleges in the nation, received a very good degree and is starting a very good first job out of college. And comes from such a great family and I really loved them. I don't know what more my parents could have wanted? I understand the fears parents have when somebody is dating their child but the constant harassment and undermining comments really had a negative effect on me. So about two weeks ago, he was visiting me and I sadly had to end our relationship over it and he was really distraught because he didn't understand either why it was such a problem to be together. But after he spoke to my parents, he realized how much of an issue it really was since they were very black and white about the situation. He too didn't understand what being "too young" meant since we both were not thinking about marriage or anything like that. Because I only start working in November, I'm obviously still living with my parents until the time being and it felt crazy having to live in constant negativity for the next 5 months. With how my Dad was acting, it even felt like we wouldn't have been able to see each other in those 5 months since it felt like so many limitations were put in place and etc. So since we broke up, we did the NC thing. And then yesterday we spoke for the first time again. He broke NC and I just couldn't ignore it and we talked. But it was mostly just to check up on me since I had foot surgery and etc. (wasn't romantic in any way) Since the day I broke up with him, I kept thinking "Oh my gosh, what if you regret this so much?" And I can't help but feel so much sadness because I am still in love with him. I still want to be with him but I'm almost scared that it's really over for him in his mind. I feel like even after I move out and move to my new state, so much time will have passed and things will just be so different. I've already gone through an emotional breakup in the past but it was easier since we broke up because of our issues and not because of an external factor. I can't help but be a little prideful and I don't want to be the one that brings up wanting us to be together once I move. I want to feel like he wants it too and I definitely wouldn't want us to get back together just to get back together. I'm just really scared I lost him. The relationship with my parents is extremely tense right now. They constantly try to control all of my decisions whether it be professional, academic or personal and I feel like I have hit my limit. So I feel like in trying to please them and get them off my back, I have lost my boyfriend and even the relationship with my parents. How do I get over this breakup when our reasoning for breaking up had nothing to do with us?
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Are there some cultural factors at play here? Your parents level of involvement is very concerning, as you are an adult. Having said that, if you are under their roof, I realize it is difficult to go against them. I imagine they are providing for you, and thus exert a lot of influence. I think you are realizing that as we grow up, we all need to draw healthy boundaries with our parents. Sometimes they do have our best intentions in mind, but it doesn't appear there was much objective cause for concern with your relationship. All you can do is gain your independence and stand on your own two feet. If your parents are still able to exercise this much control over your love life, the only solution is for you to become more self-sufficient and confident in your ability to make your own choices. You won't be able tolerate them scaring off all men forever. 1
Author heartbroken56 Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 Do you think I should just continue no contact until I move in 5 months? Or will that push him further away. I'm wondering since our break up was over external factors if reconciliation is a positive or if I shouldn't hope for that. I hate being the girl that's hoping for that.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 If you go No Contact, you will be sending a clear message that you are done. I wouldn't expect him to be be very eager to reconcile after 5 months of silence. It's also possible he could meet someone else by then. However, if you would like to reassess the situation after moving out, I would speak to him now and explain this. Let him tell you wha he thinks. He might not be open to "waiting", so to speak. This is even more likely if he senses that you will still be under your parents' control and end result will be the same. You need to decide how much you're willing and able to assert yourself to your parents. If you don't think you can, and thus can't offer him a relationship, then it's only fair to really let him go. The truth is that you wont be able to fully please everyone.. But you're also an adult and capable of making your own choices What exactly were your parents doing that led you to feel compelled to end the relationship?
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