Lottie86 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 7 months and things have been overall good. I haven’t had a relationship for years (almost a decade, out of fear mostly. My first proper relationship ended badly and lets just say I shut people out after that because I didn’t want to get hurt again. My boyfriend got out of his first serious relationship last year and we got together 6 months later. He’s still friends with his ex and that’s been the source for most of our drama. He knows I don’t like that they talk (in fairness to him, he never calls her, she always calls him and they rarely catch up in person, it seems to be just 10 minutes or so phone calls every other week) but at times he’s hidden it from me and I’ve found out and we’ve argued about it. I hate that they’re friends, it doesn’t make sense to me but I would never tell him who he can and can’t talk to because I don’t want to dictate things to him and I know that either one of three things will happen; he’ll cut contact and resent me, he’ll say he’s cut contact and do it behind my back or he’ll refuse. I make allowances for him because she was his first relationship, they were together for five years and went through a lot etc. But we also have an issue with him checking her Facebook regularly. He said he does it to see what she’s up to and to make sure she’s ok because she’s his friend and he cares about her. He swears blind it’s over, he doesn’t love her and would never get back with her, even if he were single. He’s very emotionally closed off. He has issues with opening up and sometimes during arguments he'll just shut down completely. He won’t let me post anything about us on Facebook (I’ve only been allowed once in the 7 months we’ve been together) he refuses to change his relationship status on Facebook (he never did this when he was with her for 5 years) and whilst they’re silly, minor things, I want to do those things but he won’t budge. It feels like I am a secret but I’ve met his family and I know his friends because most of them are mutual friends, so I know he’s not trying to “hide” me but it feels like that at times. He told me last weekend that he loved me and it’s taken him a while to get there, I’ve been in love with him for a few months now. Yesterday we were talking a lot about moving in together and he said that’s definitely where we’re heading, house, marriage, kids etc but it scares him to talk about and could we just enjoy what we have rather than rushing it. We didn’t have a fight but things are strained and part of me feels like I’m being strung along. The biggest issue is I don’t think he’s over his ex. The refusing to cut contact with her because it bothers me (I would do this if it were the other way around) and checking her Facebook (which he hasn’t done for a week after we had a long talk about it and how it upsets me and he promised not to do this again) but he swears to me he is over her and wants to be with me. His ex popped over last week with some paperwork for him and stopped for a coffee. I was on my way over and he texted me to tell me she was there and I could come in but if I didn't want to (I've said before I don't want to meet her) then he wouldn't be long. I was really annoyed because why couldn't he just tell her he had plans and whilst she could drop the paperwork over, he didn't have time for a chat and a coffee. He said he panicked and would do what I wanted him to do if it ever happened again and he apologised for upsetting me. I have my own issues, a huge part of me is waiting for him to wake up and realise that I am not worthy of him and for him to leave (I’m not happy with how I look) and I am insecure about our relationship and how he feels. I’m so in my own head about all of this that I don’t know whether I am being an idiot by staying when clearly he’s not over his ex and not committed to our relationship, or whether all of this is made a thousand times worse in my head and this is relatively silly and nothing to be concerned about. I don’t want to lose him but I also don’t want to be an idiot who loses all her self respect by staying with someone she shouldn't be with. Edited June 24, 2016 by Lottie86
Lois_Griffin Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 "He swears blind it’s over, he doesn’t love her and would never get back with her, even if he were single." Someone's pants are on fire. This guy is such a liar. All she'd have to do is lose her boyfriend, crook her little finger at him and promise to be a better girlfriend and he'd be off running so fast your head would spin. Don't be this jerk's Plan B. That's what you are. He'll stay with you as long as SHE'S not available. The constant disrespect he shows you should be enough to dump his ass, let alone his constant lying and sneaking to be in touch with her.I’m so in my own head about all of this that I don’t know whether I am being an idiot by staying when clearly he’s not over his ex and not committed to our relationship....Unfortunately, this line of thinking is 100% correct. Show yourself the RESPECT he refuses to show you and dump this sneaky assclown. 1
kgcolonel Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Another opinion....there is another approach... Instead of feeling threatened or defensive about the occasional interaction or convos, maybe a calm discussion. Something like, "honey, I can tell that there is something of value to you regarding the continued discussions with X. Can you share with me what you two talk about and where this is valuable to you?" Approach him from a position of 1. confidence as opposed to concern 2. try to understand his need to keep the lines of communication open to fully understand the value to him 3. be the woman who is there to love and support him, not to bicker,argue and try to beat him into agreement. Just a different perspective from a man. This approach will also create a "safe" environment that will be easier for him to open up emotionally more to you....that's what you want in the end anyway. Arguing and bickering will only build the wall higher. 4
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 My boyfriend got out of his first serious relationship last year and we got together 6 months later. Mistake number 1. Dating a man freshly out of a 5 year relationship. but at times he’s hidden it from me and I’ve found out and we’ve argued about it. I hate that they’re friends, it doesn’t make sense to me but I would never tell him who he can and can’t talk to because I don’t want to dictate things to him This post is very contradicting. How did he hide it from you? Is he suppose to report to you each time he speaks with her? Did you ask him and he lied about it? Then you go on saying you won't tell him who he can talk with so if that is so why does he need to let you know when he talks to her? Do you trust him or not? But we also have an issue with him checking her Facebook regularly. Sounds like a man still in love. Who broke up? He’s very emotionally closed off. He has issues with opening up and sometimes during arguments he'll just shut down completely. . I don't beleive that. He simply has nothing to say to make you feel better. He's out of arguments. He won’t let me post anything about us on Facebook (I’ve only been allowed once in the 7 months we’ve been together) he refuses to change his relationship status on Facebook (he never did this when he was with her for 5 years) and whilst they’re silly, minor things, I want to do those things but he won’t budge. It feels like I am a secret but I’ve met his family and I know his friends because most of them are mutual friends, so I know he’s not trying to “hide” me but it feels like that at times. This would be a deal breaker to me. You're in or you're out. Sounds like you're out. This is a huge lack of respect toward you after 7 months dating. He does not want to change his status to relationship because he is afraid that will affect ex-girlfriend. His ex popped over last week with some paperwork for him and stopped for a coffee. I was on my way over and he texted me to tell me she was there and I could come in but if I didn't want to (I've said before I don't want to meet her) You are being childish. You're a grown women. If you want to know what is going on in your own backyard then introduce yourself and make sure you know everyone including the exs. Over all I think he is lying to you about the ex and he is still harboring a flame for her. I also think that is why he is putting the breaks on his relationship with you. It's often what happens when you date someone freshly out of a relationship. You're the band-aid on the wound at first then suddenly they just drag and drag you and the relationship never escalate. To me forbidding you to post anything about your relationship online after 7 months is a dead give away that he's not into you both feet.
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 This is your 5th thread in 7 months about his ex. Obviously you are not happy in this relationship. It does not matter who's right or wrong here, you should not be with someone that keeps you wondering and keeps you in a state of emotional distress constantly. I think it's time to break this and for you to find a man that is more in tune with you.
salparadise Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) I agree with what colonel said – you need to deescalate the tension, and the best way to do that is by communicating better, being more confident, and realizing that what will be will be and that trying to hold a tight reign won't fix it. He says that he wouldn't go back with her no matter what. I think you have to hear that and give him the benefit of the doubt. If all that's going on is a ten minute check in every few weeks it's not likely that he's still in love with her. I would expect his contact with her to diminish over time though. One way of figuring it out is to give him plenty of rope and see which way it trends. I have my own issues, a huge part of me is waiting for him to wake up and realise that I am not worthy of him and for him to leave (I’m not happy with how I look) and I am insecure about our relationship and how he feels. This is an insightful comment! Worthiness is a big deal. If you can work on that and come to the point of believing in your own worthiness, it will be a lot easier to believe in him, and to quit worrying and feeling so insecure. A good therapist would be able to help you with this. If you realize it's a problem, I'd suggest working on it for your own wellbeing, regardless of the current relationship. I’m so in my own head about all of this that I don’t know whether I am being an idiot by staying when clearly he’s not over his ex and not committed to our relationship, or whether all of this is made a thousand times worse in my head and this is relatively silly and nothing to be concerned about. Two separate issues here: 1) you're in your own head with insecurities and feeling of unworthiness. 2) is he still involved with the ex-girlfriend, and to what extent. Try to separate them and be more rational. Monitor your emotions with your cognitive mind, practice self compassion and realize that feelings of insecurity are to be acknowledged but not the basis for reasoning, decision-making, and acting. Don't worry about being made a fool of. You're giving love a chance and you have to take a risk to do that. What someone else does or doesn't do has no bearing on who are or your value. I have an excellent book to recommend. You are significantly self-aware, so I'm sure you think it's absolutely amazing (and it is). A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle Edited June 24, 2016 by salparadise
Redhead14 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 7 months and things have been overall good. I haven’t had a relationship for years (almost a decade, out of fear mostly. My first proper relationship ended badly and lets just say I shut people out after that because I didn’t want to get hurt again. My boyfriend got out of his first serious relationship last year and we got together 6 months later. He’s still friends with his ex and that’s been the source for most of our drama. He knows I don’t like that they talk (in fairness to him, he never calls her, she always calls him and they rarely catch up in person, it seems to be just 10 minutes or so phone calls every other week) but at times he’s hidden it from me and I’ve found out and we’ve argued about it. I hate that they’re friends, it doesn’t make sense to me but I would never tell him who he can and can’t talk to because I don’t want to dictate things to him and I know that either one of three things will happen; he’ll cut contact and resent me, he’ll say he’s cut contact and do it behind my back or he’ll refuse. I make allowances for him because she was his first relationship, they were together for five years and went through a lot etc. But we also have an issue with him checking her Facebook regularly. He said he does it to see what she’s up to and to make sure she’s ok because she’s his friend and he cares about her. He swears blind it’s over, he doesn’t love her and would never get back with her, even if he were single. He’s very emotionally closed off. He has issues with opening up and sometimes during arguments he'll just shut down completely. He won’t let me post anything about us on Facebook (I’ve only been allowed once in the 7 months we’ve been together) he refuses to change his relationship status on Facebook (he never did this when he was with her for 5 years) and whilst they’re silly, minor things, I want to do those things but he won’t budge. It feels like I am a secret but I’ve met his family and I know his friends because most of them are mutual friends, so I know he’s not trying to “hide” me but it feels like that at times. He told me last weekend that he loved me and it’s taken him a while to get there, I’ve been in love with him for a few months now. Yesterday we were talking a lot about moving in together and he said that’s definitely where we’re heading, house, marriage, kids etc but it scares him to talk about and could we just enjoy what we have rather than rushing it. We didn’t have a fight but things are strained and part of me feels like I’m being strung along. The biggest issue is I don’t think he’s over his ex. The refusing to cut contact with her because it bothers me (I would do this if it were the other way around) and checking her Facebook (which he hasn’t done for a week after we had a long talk about it and how it upsets me and he promised not to do this again) but he swears to me he is over her and wants to be with me. His ex popped over last week with some paperwork for him and stopped for a coffee. I was on my way over and he texted me to tell me she was there and I could come in but if I didn't want to (I've said before I don't want to meet her) then he wouldn't be long. I was really annoyed because why couldn't he just tell her he had plans and whilst she could drop the paperwork over, he didn't have time for a chat and a coffee. He said he panicked and would do what I wanted him to do if it ever happened again and he apologised for upsetting me. I have my own issues, a huge part of me is waiting for him to wake up and realise that I am not worthy of him and for him to leave (I’m not happy with how I look) and I am insecure about our relationship and how he feels. I’m so in my own head about all of this that I don’t know whether I am being an idiot by staying when clearly he’s not over his ex and not committed to our relationship, or whether all of this is made a thousand times worse in my head and this is relatively silly and nothing to be concerned about. I don’t want to lose him but I also don’t want to be an idiot who loses all her self respect by staying with someone she shouldn't be with. 7 months and things have been overall good -- ????? I make allowances for him at times he’s hidden it from me It feels like I am a secret but it scares him The biggest issue is I don’t think he’s over his ex -- Very few people are capable of fully investing in a new relationship after only six months out of a long-term, serious relationship. I've said before I don't want to meet her -- You're missing a big opportunity to observe how they interact with each other and give you a a little more insight to "where" he is with her . . . And, if he's still hanging on a little with her, imposing yourself and putting a "face" to his new relationship might cause her to back off and give him an opportunity to evaluate the two of you side-by-side so to speak. In other words, if things are really good between the two of you, seeing the two women together may make him realize he's got something better now. Of course, it could go the other way but it won't be because of you, it would be just the way it is or is going to be if he ends up back with her. You'll just know that sooner than later. And, if you two women at least give the appearance of being friendly, he's not gonna want you to get too chummy -- he doesn't want "sharing" of information between you two And, this is really not the biggest issue. The biggest issue is his lack of ability to communicate effectively. If the communication is lacking in any way between you, it is doomed to failure PERIOD. 1
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