Cheating in a sexless marriage

[seren]

I suppose the big question is whether you can accept that your husband is a Transvestite, if you can and have ground rules, by that I mean if you are comfortable seeing him when he is dressed like a woman or not. If you can, then it is whether you are able to remain living with him happily, in a celibate marriage.

 

I will share that my husband is impotent, has been for a few years due to combat stress, PTSD and guilt. It is important to me and to him, he is having counselling and we hope we can overcome it. BUT, if we could never have sex again, we can still be intimate. It isn't why I married him, nor why I love him. It is what it is and while I miss our previously very active sexual life, it doesn't make him less of a man, nor me less of a woman because he is impotent. if her remained that way forever, he would still be able to be confident that I wouldn't seek another man simply for sex. Our marriage, relationship and love is based upon far more than that.

 

I think if you aren't happy and want to meet other men, then you would need that conversation with your husband. I don't know if he is getting help or not. TBH I don't think having an affair, even just for sex, is the right path. It isn't the sex that destroys a marriage or tears a BS apart, but the lies. Only you know what your line in the sand is and what would sit right with you or your husband. If sex is such a big issue that you could think to have an affair, then maybe your marriage isn't that strong and maybe leaving is right for you.

 

Divorce is never easy, but I would think cheating is harder, might be easier in the short term, but you have to live with you and only you know if you could reconcile with yourself as a cheat. I hope it works out for you and that you come to the right decision for you and your husband. he sounds like he needs IC.

[Mr_Fox]

Orangerie - I think you should definitely take a lover. We only live once so go and enjoy yourself and feel no guilt.

 

Your partner has neglected you for so long and you deserve better. I just wish I lived closer to you because I am in a similar situation myself.

 

Have fun!

[Morgoth]

I certainly wish the OP well. It's refreshing to see a few alternative opinions on here, besides chunk WS to the curb, screw him over in family law court, take all his money and make sure the children hate him/her forever. As I have mentioned, as in the case of this OP, the WS may look to get whatever needs met outside the marriage, the BS owns just as much responsibility for creating the situation/environment. No one wakes up in the morning saying, I think I'll start an affair today. No one that's been in a dysfunctional marriage can just get a divorce, especially if there are considerable assets involved, businesses, etc. Good luck to the OP.

[salparadise]

It's refreshing to see a few alternative opinions on here, besides chunk WS to the curb, screw him over in family law court, take all his money and make sure the children hate him/her forever.

 

It is certainly an unusual set of circumstances, without an ideal solution. This means that some kind of serious compromise is going to be made regardless. The moral absolutists seek to impose their values on every situation by convincing her that she can choose any option she wants as long as it conforms to their beliefs, i.e. stay married and never have sex again, or divorce to enable that possibility.

 

It's relevant that OP has already enjoyed sex with this "friend" outside the marriage and that doesn't seem to be eating her soul alive because of a) the highly unusual circumstances, and b) because she doesn't subscribe to the same absolutist agenda. So it's not like she'd be crossing a line for the first time, or creating severe and unresolvable dissonance within.

 

In other words, if you view this from her perspective, assuming her values, accepting her unusual circumstances... it may very well be the least impactful, most realistic compromise, even if not ideal, because it enables them to continue living together as a family and loving each other in their unique situation.

 

Ethics are relative, not absolute.