LostLady2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 I was friends with this guy online for 5 years. It was just friends as he lived overseas. I never thought it would be more. 6 months ago he told me he was immigrating to within few hours of where I live. I know he's had fears of commitment. We met and sparks flew. We felt a connection that I had not at all anticipated. A few days later I told him I really liked him. He told me he was shocked because he never thought "anyone so beautiful would even like him". He also said he wasn't sure if he was ready for a commitment, along the lines of engagement etc. I told him that obviously I didn't want to get engaged to him at this moment, but that I was ready to settle down if the situation was right, so perhaps we shouldn't pursue this. He flipped out and actually threatened to hurt himself (this should have been a red flag, I realize this), because "Every time I start caring about a girl, she cuts me out of her life". Over the next several months we have talked all day every day, mostly about wanting to be together. We became very close and were really looking forward to him moving. We spoke about what each of us would want from a relationship and we both agreed we wanted the same things and "adored each other" and that something special had happened when we met. He moved here last month. I went to see him for two weekends in a row. We did not have full sex, but came close and had amazing sexual chemistry. He held my hand everywhere we went and said he missed me when I left. I admit there was awkward silences and things weren't completely comfortable, but I more or less chocked this up to nerves and that early relationship, getting to know you awkwardness and nothing that wouldn't become more comfortable in time. Then out of no where he said we would be better as friends and he didn't feel a "strong enough connection" as he had expected to be long term. He also said he didn't know what was wrong with him and thinks his past hurt in relationships "blocks him" from new ones. I am at a loss, because we connected for months and I feel like he tossed everything just because the first two weekends were a bit awkward. I really felt this was just nerves, but he felt it was enough to toss everything and say "we'd never be happy in the future". How can someone just stop liking you when you've spent so much time talking and were connecting and had great sexual chemistry and were good friends? I was always there for him, I was falling for him and then poof, he's gone, saying he rushed into thinking he'd have feelings he didn't. I am so confused. I don't feel like he even gave this a chance and just decided no connection based on that strange getting to know you in-person jitters. I'm still the same person he met that first time and who he's been talking to for months and falling for since we met, but all of a sudden he feels differently. He made me feel like a total disappointment, but we had great times, we were hugging and kissing, making out and laughing in his pool etc. Did he freak out about commitment, or could someone's "connection" change this quickly? After sparks flying and months of conversation, he seems totally over it like I was the biggest disappointment ever. I told him this is jut breaking my heart because I've been crazy about him since we met and he begged me to trust him and give him a chance and then it's just "I like you and i"m attracted to you, but I don't like you enough to be serious" and after years of friendship too, he's fine not speaking to me. I told him he's going to be sorry and he said "I know", but still seems he couldn't care less anymore. He unblocked me on whatsapp yesterday and I told him I don't know why he did that but I wish he didn't, that I'm an awesome friend and an even more awesome girlfriend and he never deserved me to begin with, I no longer care about him or want him in my life. I guess I just don't understand. Sparks flew when we first met. We spoke so much about our feelings and everything clicked. When we started spending time together, we had amazing sexual chemistry. How do you not feel you connected to me, but two days ago you were laughing and making out with me in your pool and holding my hand everywhere. I'm just a mess. How did this happen??????? Thank you if you read all this and please be gentle with your responses, I'm beating myself up enough about this right now.
seamos Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Do you and he come from very different cultures? It sounds like some of your expectations or understandings were quite different from his. I'm referring to his thoughts on commitment being engagement.
Author LostLady2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 Do you and he come from very different cultures? It sounds like some of your expectations or understandings were quite different from his. I'm referring to his thoughts on commitment being engagement. We talked about this. We both agreed that engagement should never happen at least a year after being together. We talked very thoroughly about everything. This is why I'm not sure how he lost feeling for me so quickly, as we were so on same page for months.
Author LostLady2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 Do you and he come from very different cultures? It sounds like some of your expectations or understandings were quite different from his. I'm referring to his thoughts on commitment being engagement. Oh and yes he is French and I am American.
54JA Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 I'm so sorry that you are hurt. But I don't think that a long term relationship can be sustained on sparks and connections alone. I think a good relationship requires consistency (no flip-flop), ability in each partner to cope with difficulties and unpleasantness of reality, patience, etc. It's boring stuff, but I think they are very necessary. I don't think your ex has that. I think you dodged a bullet here.
Author LostLady2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 I'm so sorry that you are hurt. But I don't think that a long term relationship can be sustained on sparks and connections alone. I think a good relationship requires consistency (no flip-flop), ability in each partner to cope with difficulties and unpleasantness of reality, patience, etc. It's boring stuff, but I think they are very necessary. I don't think your ex has that. I think you dodged a bullet here. I agree fully. He wants a Hollywood movie not a real relationship. I guess I'm trying to figure out if he was crazy, a player or what exactly happened...
seamos Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 It sounds to me like the problems that lead to the break up were caused by the differences in the two cultures. Misunderstandings or just a different set of expectations of how relationships should develop. I know this doesn't help you but I don't have much specific knowledge of the French culture. I was hoping someone who does might join in and have some ideas. I remember reading a thread not long ago from a French man who was dating a woman from England and he misunderstood a part of a text message between her and a co-worker and thought she was possibly having an affair. So I know there can be some difficulties in joining cultures seamlessly in a relationship. Hopefully someone w/ more helpful info. than myself will see your thread and be able to give you something to work with.
54JA Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 I don't think he is crazy. He could be a player, but I'm not sure either. What I can gather from my own experience is that all that spark, connection, and intensity come from the circumstance. I think when two people were apart for a long time (your case=online friendship) then meet for the first time/re-unite (my case) after a long separation, there's that big momentum that pushes us to believe "this could be it!" We all wanna believe this. I certainly wanted to, too. This "being-apart" and "uniting" set up, I think, do some things to our head.
Author LostLady2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 I don't think he is crazy. He could be a player, but I'm not sure either. What I can gather from my own experience is that all that spark, connection, and intensity come from the circumstance. I think when two people were apart for a long time (your case=online friendship) then meet for the first time/re-unite (my case) after a long separation, there's that big momentum that pushes us to believe "this could be it!" We all wanna believe this. I certainly wanted to, too. This "being-apart" and "uniting" set up, I think, do some things to our head. The thing that makes me think crazy is when he threatened to hurt himself. I think I should have run then. The other thing is when he was immigrating here, he seemed to have this idealized image of moving here, being with me, that was almost like a fantasy but within weeks hated both being here and being with me. I think he doesn't totally live in the real world. The player part just comes from over the years how I saw him with other girls. I think I was being blind after we met and talked and he sucked me in a bit.
Author LostLady2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 It sounds to me like the problems that lead to the break up were caused by the differences in the two cultures. Misunderstandings or just a different set of expectations of how relationships should develop. I know this doesn't help you but I don't have much specific knowledge of the French culture. I was hoping someone who does might join in and have some ideas. I remember reading a thread not long ago from a French man who was dating a woman from England and he misunderstood a part of a text message between her and a co-worker and thought she was possibly having an affair. So I know there can be some difficulties in joining cultures seamlessly in a relationship. Hopefully someone w/ more helpful info. than myself will see your thread and be able to give you something to work with. That would be nice and I think it could certainly have been part of it, but I do think we talked extensively about all of this and that it's not enough to explain the issue, because we were very much on the same page after many, many discussions about all this. 1
greenly24 Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 I'm sorry you're feeling down about this whole thing. I cam imagine that you are disappointed. Do you think you both just kind of got too swept up in the whole thing? Sometimes we get so caught up in things that we lose sight of reality. I hope he's at least still willing to be open to being your friend.
Recommended Posts