Sunnymae Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Okay, So, there's a guy at church that I see only sometimes, because he travels from Florida to NY. I think he's cute, nice, and friendly. Last time I spoke to him he said he wouldn't be at church because he was taking care of some legal matters, So I assumed he was amidst a divorce or selling a house. I didn't pry. Then I found out that he dated someone else from church. I got that information through the rumor mill. I also found out that it was a bad experience, again by someone who knows her, but they couldn't elaborate. I'm friends with her on FB, and did go out in a group, but I'm not close enough to ask her what happened. So last time I was there he sat next to me, really close. I'm thinking about handing him my number, and saying call me sometime. What do y'all think about that idea?
Jersey born raised Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Do not give him your number. I like boldness in a woman, but you don't even know if he is married. If he does ask, respond by suggesting a date, your treat, perhaps a Sunday brunch after services to talk about it and any possible future relationship and expectations. Then talk to your pastor. then talk to your girlfriend but remenber there are always to sides of a story so take anything she says with a grain of salt.
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) Okay, So, there's a guy at church that I see only sometimes, because he travels from Florida to NY. I think he's cute, nice, and friendly. Last time I spoke to him he said he wouldn't be at church because he was taking care of some legal matters, So I assumed he was amidst a divorce or selling a house. I didn't pry. Then I found out that he dated someone else from church. I got that information through the rumor mill. I also found out that it was a bad experience, again by someone who knows her, but they couldn't elaborate. I'm friends with her on FB, and did go out in a group, but I'm not close enough to ask her what happened. So last time I was there he sat next to me, really close. I'm thinking about handing him my number, and saying call me sometime. What do y'all think about that idea? Well a couple things come to mind: First, it was a bad experience for who? Him or the girl? Not that it matters, things just don't work out sometimes... no one's fault.... it happens. Second, what is your goal? To casually date whenever he is in town? Cuz this would be long distance thing, right? As he only travels there occasionally? If you're cool with all that, then sure why not give him your number. You have nothing to lose. Third, I never realized there was so much drama and excitement at Church! Edited June 24, 2016 by katiegrl
morrowrd Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 When I was looking for a girlfriend once, I went to a bunch of churches. Assembly of God, United Pentecostal, a few full gospel ones, all on a wednesday night. I would go in, scan the congregation, and if there were too many "old people" or men, I'd leave and go to the next church. I met my wife of 23 years that way. (although it was a horrible marriage. I've been divorced 5 years) but church is as good a means to an end as anything else. I hate bars, and tend to like "good girls" anyway. What better place to look. You asked for advice, give him your number.
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 When I was looking for a girlfriend once, I went to a bunch of churches. Assembly of God, United Pentecostal, a few full gospel ones, all on a wednesday night. I would go in, scan the congregation, and if there were too many "old people" or men, I'd leave and go to the next church. I met my wife of 23 years that way. (although it was a horrible marriage. I've been divorced 5 years) but church is as good a means to an end as anything else. I hate bars, and tend to like "good girls" anyway. What better place to look. You asked for advice, give him your number. Interesting. I am single again after six years, problem is I am not Christian nor do I follow any other organized religion. So Church probably wouldn't work for me.....
Shanex Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 When I was looking for a girlfriend once, I went to a bunch of churches. Assembly of God, United Pentecostal, a few full gospel ones, all on a wednesday night. I would go in, scan the congregation, and if there were too many "old people" or men, I'd leave and go to the next church. I met my wife of 23 years that way. (although it was a horrible marriage. I've been divorced 5 years) but church is as good a means to an end as anything else. I hate bars, and tend to like "good girls" anyway. What better place to look. You asked for advice, give him your number. Basically this... You get laid in the bars, and you get married at Church. (Nothing religious about this post but the analogy seem accurate)
morrowrd Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Interesting. I am single again after six years, problem is I am not Christian nor do I follow any other organized religion. So Church probably wouldn't work for me..... I never went back to that church. Neither of us did.
morrowrd Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Basically this... You get laid in the bars, and you get married at Church. (Nothing religious about this post but the analogy seem accurate) Wrong, there was plenty of sex after date #2. She became my girlfriend within the month and moved in with me by month 3. A means to an end is a means to an end. Church....don't for a second believe there aren't a bunch of people all there for the same thing. Single women in church, want to meet the single men in church. I hate church, but love women. And the system worked for me. Although I have to admit, after my divorce and over 20 years not attending church, I went the online dating route. Much easier to meet women that way. Although, clueless me, the girl who has worked for 12 years where I do, has had a crush on me for 12 years. She is absolutely beautiful, which is why I probably didn't know about the crush. Figured we were "friends" but now when I look back and she tells me all the different times she tried to get my attention, I see it. Better late than never...we've been in a relationship for almost a year now.
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 When I was looking for a girlfriend once, I went to a bunch of churches. Assembly of God, United Pentecostal, a few full gospel ones, all on a wednesday night. I would go in, scan the congregation, and if there were too many "old people" or men, I'd leave and go to the next church. You would at least sit through the event, right? lol Not just walk out before the services started?
morrowrd Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 You would at least sit through the event, right? lol Not just walk out before the services started? No, why waste any of their time or mine? I looked, left. Although the church where I ended up meeting my girlfriend, I stayed. She and her friend kept turning around looking at me during the service, and they had an altar call at the end for people needing prayer. She went up, so I went up to see if she was wearing a ring. (she wasn't) We all had to hold hands to pray, and afterwards, I invited both her and her friend out for coffee. It went on from there...but the whole pick up story was a humorous part of our history, in spite of the divorce.
jen1447 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Basically this... You get laid in the bars, and you get married at Church. Speak for yourself. OP, I think in general it's perfectly fine to give someone your number wherever (tho 'slipping' it to him during a church service sounds a little juvenile), but in this case it sounds like you need a little more due diligence. Maybe run a background check on him for starters, given what's going around in the rumor mill.
Cablebandit Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Interesting. I am single again after six years, problem is I am not Christian nor do I follow any other organized religion. So Church probably wouldn't work for me..... Church is a FERTILE hunting ground. I'm telling you this as an atheist myself. America has a lot of buffet Christians. They aren't much more Christian than you are but they "go along" because of social expectations.
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 No, why waste any of their time or mine? I looked, left. Although the church where I ended up meeting my girlfriend, I stayed. She and her friend kept turning around looking at me during the service, and they had an altar call at the end for people needing prayer. She went up, so I went up to see if she was wearing a ring. (she wasn't) We all had to hold hands to pray, and afterwards, I invited both her and her friend out for coffee. It went on from there...but the whole pick up story was a humorous part of our history, in spite of the divorce. Now, we're these singles groups you attended or just church services? Some patrons of the church, if they ever knew your intentions, wouldn't take kindly to it. I recall going to church, the same church most times as churches in the area was mostly families and and married people. Very little singles. I think someone suggested starting a singles group and one of the wives nearly blew a gasket at the very IDEA of it. "We're not turning this place into a pick up joint!" Of course, this was coming from a married woman, so she really has no say in it. I knew of women that would get turned off by being approached in church like that. They usually think, "This sleeze ball is trying to pick me up in church? Drop dead!" LOL Funny thing, I actually saw a woman at my local church, rather attractive, petite. She always came by herself and kids, no man in sight. We kind of would always sit in the same section, but couldn't figure out a way to approach her, unless I were to follow her out to the parking lot after services...which would be kind of creepy. Anyway, I saw her on Match.com do this assured me she was indeed single, when I contacted her, I said I knew her from church, and she said she did recognize me. I asked her to lunch after services, but she said that our "age difference was too great." and I was like "Huh? We're only like 5 years apart" At the time I was in my early 30s, and her in her late 30s...plus,we were probably the only unattached people...close in age...that exist in our church. LOL So why not give it a shot, right? After then, we'd see each other still at church, but would say hi, and she'd kind of be averting her eyes and not wanting to talk or anything. I guess what's the point, right? She had her say...no need to even partake in friendly banter.
preraph Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 You need to find out from perhaps the pastor what his status is, married, single, recently broke up or taken, before you do anything. The pastor may not know if it's not a personal relationship, but at least he can't tell everyone you're asking, although this will free him up to ask around for you and then fill you in. If you knew he was single and OVER the last one who went to that church, then of course it's fine. But find out status. And also keep in mind if he was wanting to ask you out, obviously, he's managed to do that to someone else there at church. So he might not be interested or might not be ready or might think it's too complicated with you both there.
stillafool Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 When I was looking for a girlfriend once, I went to a bunch of churches. Assembly of God, United Pentecostal, a few full gospel ones, all on a wednesday night. I would go in, scan the congregation, and if there were too many "old people" or men, I'd leave and go to the next church. I met my wife of 23 years that way. (although it was a horrible marriage. I've been divorced 5 years) but church is as good a means to an end as anything else. I hate bars, and tend to like "good girls" anyway. What better place to look. You asked for advice, give him your number. There are alot of men who go to church just to check out the woman. When I lived in L.A. I use to frequent a very large church and the women there were stunning. I'm not kidding, at least 80% were extremely goodlooking and the men came in droves.
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 There are alot of men who go to church just to check out the woman. When I lived in L.A. I use to frequent a very large church and the women there were stunning. I'm not kidding, at least 80% were extremely goodlooking and the men came in droves. Wow, where I live, the women in church are married typically. You usually don't see single people frequent churches, esp. in their mid 20s and older. Even in a larger neighboring city, there are special singles groups and sadly, some don't go to those groups because no one is attractive enough for them. I recall this one attractive, blonde attorney that went to a Bible study, she had to "take a call"...and never came back. The next Sunday, I saw her at the church services itself, but didn't return to the singles group again.
morrowrd Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) <Now, we're these singles groups you attended or just church services?> * Wednesday night service. <Some patrons of the church, if they ever knew your intentions, wouldn't take kindly to it.> * So what. If you get the girl, that's all that matters. <I recall going to church, the same church most times as churches in the area was mostly families and and married people. Very little singles. I think someone suggested starting a singles group and one of the wives nearly blew a gasket at the very IDEA of it.> * I can't stand church. I grew up in one, and remember how they treated the singles. Especially the single women. Church leadership watched them like hawks. I remember my sunday school teacher, kind of a nerdy man, kind, but bitter about women. Said he hated them but I knew even as a teen it was more sour grapes than hate. This guy got a girlfriend while I was in the Army, I was so happy to hear about it. My father told me that the church removed his membership because she was married. The background however, was she had escaped an abusive marriage, was living on her own with her children, and this ss teacher adored her. I told my father they were a million percent in the wrong. Judgmental pricks, and that I was happy for him and he was better off without the f'n membership. My dad approached me later, said I was right. <I knew of women that would get turned off by being approached in church like that. They usually think, "This sleeze ball is trying to pick me up in church? Drop dead!" LOL> * There is a method to everything. Picking up a woman in a bar the wrong way can come off as creepy. <Funny thing, I actually saw a woman at my local church, rather attractive, petite. She always came by herself and kids, no man in sight. We kind of would always sit in the same section, but couldn't figure out a way to approach her, unless I were to follow her out to the parking lot after services...which would be kind of creepy.Anyway, I saw her on Match.com do this assured me she was indeed single, when I contacted her, I said I knew her from church, and she said she did recognize me.I asked her to lunch after services, but she said that our "age difference was too great." and I was like "Huh? We're only like 5 years apart"At the time I was in my early 30s, and her in her late 30s...plus,we were probably the only unattached people...close in age...that exist in our church. LOL So why not give it a shot, right?After then, we'd see each other still at church, but would say hi, and she'd kind of be averting her eyes and not wanting to talk or anything. I guess what's the point, right? She had her say...no need to even partake in friendly banter.> * She wasn't attracted to you. It's that simple. Edited June 24, 2016 by morrowrd
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Church is a FERTILE hunting ground. I'm telling you this as an atheist myself. America has a lot of buffet Christians. They aren't much more Christian than you are but they "go along" because of social expectations. LOL with my luck I would probably click with a guy who was totally religious... then what? Just out of curiosity though, how did you get through the services.... the singing, all those "praise the lords" and boring sermons that you don't even believe in.... etc etc. Didn't you feel like a bit of a hypocrite? I would.....
jen1447 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 LOL with my luck I would probably click with a guy who was totally religious... then what? Just out of curiosity though, how did you get through the services.... the singing, all those "praise the lords" and boring sermons that you don't even believe in.... etc etc. Didn't you feel like a bit of a hypocrite? I would..... fwiw katie, I've only ever 'run my game' at church when I've been there for someone else, like going to church around Christmas w/the BF and his parents. 1
Author Sunnymae Posted June 26, 2016 Author Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) Update. So the guy that I was interested in was there, and so I did get to speak with him and he likes walking so I suggested we should exchange numbers, and he said nothing. I also said " oh I wasn't sure I'd see you, so I pryed and him moving downl. He said he needs to resolve some legal issues. Okay, so then there was another new face, and him and I started talking and I listen to some jokes he had recorded on his phone b/c he said that this girl he met online didn't get his jokes. We ended up having a great time. Then we slipped away went to a club and dance!! At the end of the night, I hugged him and went home. So I'll update on that later. BTW thanks to everyone for the your input. Edited June 26, 2016 by Sunnymae 2
Author Sunnymae Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 I still feel really sad about my breakup, and I think I might of inadvertently blown him off. I mean, I think the ball has been in my court, but I just don't feel like playing. I thought that I was ready or that I should at least make an attempt at seeing someone, but I still feel sad over my breakup. So it'll be a bit awkward seeing him again.
Author Sunnymae Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 The guy I went out with from church has been calling. The problem is that I'm so depressed about my ex. Breaking up with me that I can't even think about being intimate with someone else. I know that he'll probably want to get intimate, but I'm just not mentally ready. I don't want to be rude, but I don't want to lead him on either. How do I tell him that I'm not ready to start anything new yet. That I thought I could, or that I should at least try, but I'm just not ready. What can I say to him. I feel like I can't just ignore him that would be rude. Any suggestions on how I should handle this situation would be appreciated.
Cablebandit Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 The guy I went out with from church has been calling. The problem is that I'm so depressed about my ex. Breaking up with me that I can't even think about being intimate with someone else. I know that he'll probably want to get intimate, but I'm just not mentally ready. I don't want to be rude, but I don't want to lead him on either. How do I tell him that I'm not ready to start anything new yet. That I thought I could, or that I should at least try, but I'm just not ready. What can I say to him. I feel like I can't just ignore him that would be rude. Any suggestions on how I should handle this situation would be appreciated. I think you just said what you need to say to him. You assessed where you were in life and you were wrong...be honest and he will probably be available when you are ready to move forward.
Author Sunnymae Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) Thank you Cable bandit- for your input. I think I just need to mourn some more. I'm just feeling so depressed, and thought that if I started dating it would help. The following is what I went with: Hi Barry, I really think you're cute and funny, and I had the most fun I've had in a long time, but after reassessing my situation I'm just not ready to start anything new yet. I thought I could, or that I should at least try, but I'm just not ready. I'm still too depressed about my ex. I'll see how I feel in a few weeks and give you a call then. Cablebandit -Do you think that was okay? Edited June 28, 2016 by Sunnymae
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