She's not coming back.

[Chant]

Don't leave the scene! I have questions!

 

Girlfriend of one year broke things off a little over a month ago. I am better now and slowly starting to function normally.

 

I know people would need details about the whole relationship but I know people do not want to read a wall of text. I'm 30, she's 25. For the most part I thought we were okay. We didn't fight much if at all. I treated her great, she treated me great as well. I know women may be more in tune with a relationship then some of us men. She felt like the relationship wasn't going anywhere and had been thinking about it the last 3 months we were together. She felt something just wasn't right. When she broke it off it felt like she was almost trying to convince herself why we shouldn't be together. It felt like she was picking on every little thing that wasn't perfect in our relationship. What relationship is, right? I felt like everything she mentioned could be fixed with just better communication between us.

 

I want to add that this has been her longest relationship. So I want to believe I was doing something right.

 

Here is where I am stuck. Could I have prevented this? There are normally signs when a person starts checking out of a relationship. But I seriously did not see it ending like this. I feel like it is all my fault. I feel like I failed to lead my relationship and I feel like I failed her as well. Like if I just did all the "right" things we would still be together and I would not have this heartache. She would be into me enough to want to keep things going or spice things up or whatever. These feelings of what-ifs and the guilt is really eating me up. Like did I mess up that bad for her to lose attraction for me? At this point it was too late to save.

 

I relate to this following post oh so much.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/541517-being-left-always-guy-s-fault

 

Look I am not a victim, and my situation is not unique in anyway. I love her more then you know. She is not a bad person and there are two sides to every story. But I would have never stopped trying.

 

After the breakup it was like she didn't look at me the same. Like she was a different person. The person I fell in love with is dead.

 

This woman chased me when we first met. She asked me to be exclusive. It's hard to believe this is the same woman who told me "I feel so safe when I am in your arms". "When I'm with you I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world". "You make me so happy". I keep asking myself what did I stop doing to make these feelings change?

 

This whole situation really makes me question myself, self-worth, and my relationship competence. Even though I know your self-worth should NOT be dependent on other people. Only you can make yourself happy. I lost a bit of myself in the relationship as well as I was always trying to make her happy. Regardless if my needs were met. It's one if the many lessons I've learned going through this.

 

Again I am not a victim. She is not obligated to stay with me, especially if she is unhappy. She doesn't owe me anything. But I can't help but think I wasn't "man" enough for her. And don't get me going about my bruised ego.

 

It has been complete NC for the last 3 weeks. She has moved on as I have already seen her out with someone else. Whether she left for someone else or whatever doesn't matter as I still don't really know. I know I need to forget her for me. Live my life and be happy for me. I shouldn't be looking for happiness in someone else.

 

It feels better just getting this all out somewhere. I don't know what I am expecting to get from posting here. As time will do what it does.

 

I honestly can't see the light at the end of all of this right now. I KNOW I need to move on. I am tired of the loneliness and the water coming from my eyes.

 

I hope these "feelings" can help someone going through a similar situation, and let them know they're not alone.

 

Maybe it's all deep rooted in my own insecurities or qualities I feel I lack. I tried not making this a wall of text lol

 

"It's making me crazy, thinking of the days we spent, and how I'll never hold you again"

 

I will take the lessons I have learned and apply it to the next one if I ever find someone else again.

 

Any insight is appreciated!

[offwithhishead]

My ex and I broke up 5 weeks ago and yah although the circumstances of our breakup were different, the result is the same. I was perhaps more "at fault" for it than you are but the end result is that she doesn't want to be with me.

 

The first four weeks, I was like you, I was in a very dark place and I seemed stuck like there was NO improvement. It's a very hopeless feeling. I feel you. I know exactly how you're feeling.

 

What changed? Well for me, it's EXACTLY the subject of this thread. It's the fact that I know NOW that there is no going back. The bridges have burned. She is never coming back to me. When I found this out, I almost wanted to dial a suicide hotline. Instead, I reached out to two close friends and we talked and went over everything step by step.

 

I am still hurting now but I'm starting to feel hope again for the future. And I'm definitely healing.

 

It basically comes down to realizing two things:

 

1. It's truly over. There is no hope. The bridges have been burnt. This is painful but also very empowering as you know now in your heart that you need to find a way to move on. This activates a certain kind of survival instinct within you.

 

2. Because of #1 above, your mind will search for a new goal in life. This goal can be anything. It's the realization that you need to find a path forward. And it's also the realization that breakups might NOT be a bad thing. Maybe she came in and then out of your life for a reason. The universe has funny ways of guiding us. Maybe you were meant to grow or learn something from this experience that will set you on a path to something better. That's the way I chose to see it. For me personally, this breakup was the catalyst and the motivation for me to finally have the strength and resolve to do something I've always wanted to do for years. And now, I feel like I have the resolve to do so because nothing ELSE will hurt me as much as this breakup did.

 

I think what happened with you is good. The fact that you know now there is NO hope of reconciliation is a positive thing. It is the first major step for you to move on. Now your mind will start working. Instead of hoping for reconciliation, it will get working on figuring out the next path in your life. And in time, you're going to find some new goal to work towards and begin the next chapter of your life.

 

It might not be obvious to you now but you've already started the path of healing.

[runup]

Wow, so much of this relates to me. Its been two weeks post breakup. Being the dumpee in the situation has really hurt but I am trying to move on. My ex did the same thing, chased after me and always said how madly in love she was with me, how lucky and happy she was etc. There were many great memories but over these past two weeks I have noticed negatives both of us displayed in our relationship.

 

These negatives perhaps came due to our inexperience; we didn't always communicate our feelings well until it was too late. I always tried to fix things with logic, but with women, emotions are more important than logic.

 

The reality of my situation is that we both lost the spark, we saw each other too much, got too complacent, it got boring. The saddest part I am trying to deal with is that we could have fixed it. We could have if we recognized what we were doing was self destructive, but alas I only realized it after the breakup. Now she seems happy to be single, as if a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. I know she loves me but it still hurts to know that she gave up and broke up with me when she was getting attention from other guys at a time our relationship was dull; it made it seem like a no brainer for her.

 

Timing is everything with relationships I have come to learn, and some people aren't ready for the level of commitment that comes with love. YOu can't always "Feel" love like you do when you see your girlfriend for the first time in a month, or when you first realize your feelings for her; that's when your overloaded with sensory positives. But the deeper sense of love isn't understood by many; the one where you accept the other for their flaws and work to make your relationship the best it can be.

 

I wanted to fix it, but in reality it was too late. We didn't have major issues, but the small ones added up to create a "feeling" of lost love, or that things have changed. Only time apart will allow us to realize whether what we had was great or not. What I am trying to focus on is myself. I can't help but try to hope we will get back together at this point; it's still what I want. I hope in time that will fade. All I can do now is work to improve my future self and prepare for a better future relationship, whether it is a new partner or a new beginnings with my ex.

[bummer]

.

She felt like the relationship wasn't going anywhere and had been thinking about it the last 3 months we were together. She felt something just wasn't right. When she broke it off it felt like she was almost trying to convince herself why we shouldn't be together. It felt like she was picking on every little thing that wasn't perfect in our relationship. What relationship is, right? I felt like everything she mentioned could be fixed with just better communication between us.

 

I want to add that this has been her longest relationship. So I want to believe I was doing something right.

 

Here is where I am stuck. Could I have prevented this? There are normally signs when a person starts checking out of a relationship. But I seriously did not see it ending like this. I feel like it is all my fault. I feel like I failed to lead my relationship and I feel like I failed her as well. Like if I just did all the "right" things we would still be together and I would not have this heartache. She would be into me enough to want to keep things going or spice things up or whatever. These feelings of what-ifs and the guilt is really eating me up. Like did I mess up that bad for her to lose attraction for me? At this point it was too late to save.

 

boy do i know these feels. I'm 29, she's 25, only dated two other guys. She started by saying something wasn't right in March then slowly unravelled some major insecurities then laid in to me with albeit bad things I did, but things which would work themselves out in a normal relationship. She was making excuses to pull away. I tried to fix everything she was complaining about but the core of resentment and damage were done. The love was long lost and my attempts to fix things were futile.

 

Did you mess up so bad she lost her attraction? Maybe, me too. ] But if you had to walk on eggshells to please every whim of hers from now until eternity, would you be happy?

 

She will find a place of compromise in her future where minor things remain minor and attraction can build into love. Or she will run from relationship to relationship always enjoying the honeymoon phase and running away when the lust disappears.

[Chant]

Thank you all for the kind words and the sharing of your experiences. It's sad but I'm glad people can relate. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

 

boy do i know these feels. I'm 29, she's 25, only dated two other guys. She started by saying something wasn't right in March then slowly unravelled some major insecurities then laid in to me with albeit bad things I did, but things which would work themselves out in a normal relationship. She was making excuses to pull away. I tried to fix everything she was complaining about but the core of resentment and damage were done. The love was long lost and my attempts to fix things were futile.

 

Did you mess up so bad she lost her attraction? Maybe, me too. ] But if you had to walk on eggshells to please every whim of hers from now until eternity, would you be happy?

 

She will find a place of compromise in her future where minor things remain minor and attraction can build into love. Or she will run from relationship to relationship always enjoying the honeymoon phase and running away when the lust disappears.

 

Thanks for this. And that is a very good question. She wasn't perfect. No one is. I need to pull her down from that pedestal.

 

In a weird way I think this kind of had to happen. Another life lesson. My needs are just as important as my partners. This situation really opened my eyes on how I can be a better partner. I can't be so passive about everything. I was never a needy partner but I need to learn to be happy with myself first and not be so dependent on others for my happiness. But dang do I miss her.

 

I don't need a woman to live. I know this, but I would like to share things with someone.

[juniorrocha]

My needs are just as important as my partners. This situation really opened my eyes on how I can be a better partner. I can't be so passive about everything. I was never a needy partner but I need to learn to be happy with myself first and not be so dependent on others for my happiness. But dang do I miss her.

 

This is something very important. In a relationship you should try your best to make your partner happy, but it should make you happy too. If you're only giving, it won't work.

 

It seems like she drifted apart, I don't think there's something different you could've done if your relationship was a good one overall.

 

Make sure now you work on yourself so you're happy even when you're alone. Try to do things alone. Go out to the movies, or to eat something, enjoy your own company. If you're feeling good with yourself, whether someone else appear in your life or not won't be that much of a problem.

 

It's ok when you want someone in your life. Just don't make it a need.

[whatnot]

This whole topic is beginning to freak me out. I'm beginning to seriously consider the possibility that all relationships that do end, are doomed to end, from the beginning.

 

And the ones that never end are due to the fact that one or both of the partners have innate abilities from the beginning that neither partner has in relationships that end.

 

But...yeah....its your fault. LOL

[Chant]

This whole topic is beginning to freak me out. I'm beginning to seriously consider the possibility that all relationships that do end, are doomed to end, from the beginning.

 

And the ones that never end are due to the fact that one or both of the partners have innate abilities from the beginning that neither partner has in relationships that end.

 

But...yeah....its your fault. LOL

 

Hmmm maybe!

 

I guess we can only try and be the best possible person we can whether in a relationship or not.

 

All the if I just could/should/would have done this or that is killing me.

[bummer]

This whole topic is beginning to freak me out. I'm beginning to seriously consider the possibility that all relationships that do end, are doomed to end, from the beginning.

 

And the ones that never end are due to the fact that one or both of the partners have innate abilities from the beginning that neither partner has in relationships that end.

 

But...yeah....its your fault. LOL

 

Most romantic relationships in this modern era will end. It's not just you and 1000 others in the secluded village struggling to survive. relationships are now more complex.

 

I think there's a psychological basis in the statement that many relationships are doomed from the start. Sometimes it's raw incompatibility or crazy circumstances which litter LS.

 

I was biking today after my buddy's wedding yesterday and in a quiet moment struggling up a hill I thought love is just mutual compromise. Pros out-weigh cons and both parties agree to be a team and work through trials and difficulties. I think ALL humans have the innate ability to compromise. It's a matter of switching that "mode" on and keeping it going. The switch can be triggered via age, social pressure, past failures, etc. For growing love, continual discovery of each other is key. I smiled and remembered why I'm still single and kept pedaling...

Edited June 26, 2016 by bummer

[Marc878]

She's young and probably fickle. Maybe yore just not compatible. Who knows.

 

What you do know is she's not for you for whatever reason.

 

Breakups are hard no matter what but they make you stronger and wiser for your next relationship.

 

I can tell you this the one who does too much usually gets walked on. Relationships like marriages need to be @ 50/50. If they're not balanced you have a problem.