Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Well considering the letter idea, but it's pretty hard to get the relationship and the cancer side together somehow. And if I'd write her a letter it would probably turn out to be some sort of love letter which she cannot accept somehow ... 1
TheTraveler Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 @Toodaloo So from my gut feeling I will give it some more weeks, keep the contact low and see what happens and try to feel as good as I can in the mean time? Something inside myself keeps refusing to believe that this is reality... Do not contact her. What's the point. Go on some dates yourself. Join online dating if you have to and have some fun.
kgcolonel Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Qwertz First I am very sorry you and your wife are going through this, your wife, the cancer and you the betrayal. Do you know what you're going to do if the perverbial light comes on and she returns to you wanting to reconcile? You sound as if you'd take her back in a NY Second and believe me, that is your right. Usually when I have read stories such as yours (albeit without the cancer factor) the betrayal started before the WW exits the M. The timing looks to support that....Just curious, have you prepared for a potential return so that you can be prepared in the event it does occur? Also, what is her prognosis? The degree of her illness may dictate the duration of the relationship of the OM. 1
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 kgcolonel Well i guess her prognosis is as good as it gets with such a disease, so probably it all should be fine within some months. Well I'm not exactly prepared for something I'm not sure if it would happen, but if I'd try to be logical and reasonable about it and not jump into the water at once... 1
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Well maybe I should just quit it... As I just heard she's calling this guy her "boyfriend" already... which is something I cannot really grasp after this short time; is this really reality? 1
DKT3 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Is it possible this isn't as short of a relationship with this guy as you think? 1
Jersey born raised Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Is she still in the home or has she moved out? It is called Limerence The Truth About Limerence Affairs - Joe Beam. She is acting out. At this point it is easy to predict her future actions but timing varies. Quietly, without discussing it with her, talk with a lawyer (or go on line, get the paper work) and file. After filing give her the papers and simple say "I am accepting your decision". Say it without judgement. In most likely hood she will say "I was right you are abandoning me". Your response, again without judgement and calmly "no I am respecting your decision to chose someone else". Her response will mostly be "well you where never going to be there for me" respond "three weeks is not a fair a fair chance". At that point let her have the last word and walk away. You care for her, you want to be there for her, but at this point being there for her will only harm her. Marriage is not a suicide pact. If she comes to you let her vent without responding and then call her daughter, parents, her doctor, her therapist, or parents and explain to them her issues and ask them to step up. If anyone says you are not there for her, respond I am - I called you.
Author qwertz Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 DKT3 Yes the relationship is as short as it is, this I know for sure because I was there when they met the first time after 25 years...
whatnot Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 In this time she met with a guy (a youth friend she hasnt seen for about 25 years) and the second time they met they were already making out. /QUOTE] How do you know this is the case quertz? How do you know didn't see more of him than this? I agree with the poster who said this is rare. Normally the unfaithful spouse has been seeing the other person much more than the betrayed spouse ever suspects. If you're taking her word for this I think i might would reconsider whether it's the truth or not. When my ex wife left with another man....i didn't even find out about him for weeks after she left. A phone bill came in the mail. I opened it and saw where she'd been with this guy for several weeks on the phone daily. He was a work colleague of mine. I never suspected a thing. I never believed she was capable. I thought I knew her better than I did. It was pure chance I even found out about it. I spent the next 6 months putting together what had happened. Her words weren't adding up to her actions. I was keeping a diary of her strange inconsistencies. My plan was to go into counseling with her. I knew she'd lie to the couselor. Hine the diary. I think she knew him more than you can admit that that's possible. We don't believe our spouses are capable of this. To the cancer. I'm a survivor as well. When I was diagnosed...The absolute LAST thing on my mind was heading out to find some new hit babe. My mind was on survival, formulating a game plan to fight it. Dating wasn't even a consideration. Two different worlds. Worlds that for me I cannot believe could mix with anyone. This also makes me think she knew him more than you think. Going through a diagnosis and fighting this...One needs support. Support that can only come from trusted sources. Everyone else becomes well...just people one says hello to. They're not as important to you as pre diagnosis. I needed to be with those I knew lived me and those I knew I could trust. It can make one do things one would not normally do. The stress level of the dx. One wants to and needs to lower the stress of it in whatever way they can. Sounds like your marriage was one of those stressors. Don't be taking on all of the blame for what's going on. There's more to infidelity than just one thing. She's got some of her own reasons for doing what she's doing...irregardless of the cancer, irregardless of your coldness. Take care
Author qwertz Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 No I know it for sure that she hasnt had contact before as in the beginning I even read their conversations as she wasnt hiding them, and I even said "hello" to the guy when they met first as I wasnt suspecting anything bad. I'm 100% sure about that... And after the cancer diagnosis she just wanted to have something easy that provides her with the joy she needed, that was the main reason she wanted to avoind me.
Toodaloo Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 qwertz At the moment you are both hurting and both making rash decisions based purely on over wrought emotions. Anything you do right now is likely to be wrong because you are not in a place to stop and think clearly. I think you are in a better place than your wife right now as she seems to be running away from her problems rather than deal with them. I think you need a bit of time to think about how you need to change to be able to support her. Can you sustain those changes and would those changes be positive for you as well? I know it sounds terrible but I think this other guy is just a fling. As I have said before how you deal with that is another matter. Right now you need to get into a stronger place emotionally so that you can deal with this rationally and calmly. Seems to me you love your wife. Seems to me your wife is rushing about flapping around "having fun fun fun fun fun!!!!" and discovering that actually its not that much fun... If you love them set them free. If they come home they always loved you. If they don't they never really loved you anyway... There is a difference between being compassionate and understanding a mistake and being a door mat. Leave the worries about that until the right time though. Still thinking of you and hoping that whatever happens it is positive for both you and your wife. 1
Recommended Posts