qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 (edited) Well it's a long story. Was knowing this woman for about 10 years now, for three years we had a pure sexual relationship, then about 6 years ago we became a couple and three years ago she wanted to marry me what we did. She has always told me for years that I am her big love and we had some wonderful years together (with great sex and everything). The last months got a bit tough as I had a lot of stress with my work and I became more stressed, isolating myself and becoming a grumpier person - all the stuff men do when they are too much occupied by work and stuff like that. Nonetheless we still had some great days in the last year (also the sex was still great, even after all these years we agreed that we dont have the urge to have sex with somebody else). About three weeks ago my wife got diagnosed with cancer, sadly the week before that I was emotionally not available to her as I was also pretty stressed out by the fear of cancer, my job and besides that I was also sick. In this time she met with a guy (a youth friend she hasnt seen for about 25 years) and the second time they met they were already making out. Therefore on week later we somehow broke up as I had the feeling she only wants to be with that guy and nothing else (they were texting the whole day etc.). Now, after two weeks of not seeing her I was at her daughter's 18th birthday party (from another father, but she really likes me...); I really tried not to mention any relationship issues and we had really fun together, when I left I really felt that she still likes me. But nonetheless the next day I see all the postings of her and her new "boyfriend" on FB, talking about love, showing them together. This is so hard to understand for me as they are now "together" for two weeks and everything seems to be perfect, guess she's even considering to move to his town. He seems to be the opposite of me, doing everything right, being perfect in every way and they seem to be the perfect couple, she even already introduced him to her mother, met his ex-wife etc. Even though she has cancer she seems to be the happier person now than I am. Well I know the best thing is probably that I try to get over it, but it's so hard to understand for me how this can happen, that somebody that was telling you for 5+ years how much she loves you is together with another "perfect" guy the next day (who also makes me feel yery inferior right now as he seems to do everything right, being more male etc...). Like I cannot get all the "coincidences" in my head, like being diagnosed with cancer, meeting your perfect guy the next day etc... Is this really how the world works? Edited June 23, 2016 by qwertz 2
Toodaloo Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 qwertz. She is scared. She is trying to "live life like there is no tomorrow"... because cancer does that to you. It is not how the world works. It is how frightened people who feel very alone work. She is frightened and you distancing yourself through your own fear made her run... Just keep calm and read up a bit on the type of cancer she has, what the prognosis and treatments are etc. Educate yourself so you don't feel so afraid and then talk to her. 2 weeks is not enough time and they are still bedazzling each other. I doubt she has even farted in front of him yet... 3
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 (edited) Haha well nice you mentioned the farting this makes me smile as she did this a lot to me. Well at least yesterday I noticed that the emotional wall she build around herself against me the last two weeks was totally gone, but it totally breaks your heart if you see the woman you love on a picture with some other "superior" guy looking like the dream couple. And I'm really depressed also because she and her two kids were something like "my family" and I cannot grasp how this all could happen (as I said the weeks before we were probably fighting about some bull**** instead of talking, but I think I have already learned how to fix that stuff). And yes I did already all the reading on this type of cancer and as we parted I even gave her some money she can spend on additional alternative treatments. She's a bit of the person that is always lost and looking and searching for something which makes her a bit complicated but nonetheless I always loved her for that... Just need to decide on how to deal with the situation, as I decided for myself that after having a really nice hour with her yesterday (after all the bad days) i should probably go no contact for a time... The problem is just that she probably might need help with some stuff as she's sick, but I also dont want to end up as her doormat friend... Edited June 23, 2016 by qwertz 2
Toodaloo Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 2 weeks is NOT reality. Yeah so they look perfect. I have a fat ass and I can get someone to take photos that makes it look smaller so does that make it real? No. I still have a fat ass. Do not believe facebook. Its all fairy dust and unicorns at the moment. Stop looking at her facebook etc. Well if she always felt lost then after this she will be feeling really out in the ocean. In all honesty this sounds like a fling to me. What you do if she comes back is another thing. Keep calm. Keep seeing your friends. Remain a rock. This guy is not better. He is just different. 3
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Well thank you for your kind words. Makes me feel a bit better. But yes as I sad it's so much at once: Loosing your wife, her being sick, loosing your family... And yeah, maybe there are also people who can just do aways some years of history and don't look back, I dont know... 2
Satu Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 'Perfect' never lasts. It can't last, because reality always kicks in. Take care. 1
central Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Cancer notwithstanding, she's cheating on you. She has to choose - him, or you, and do so now. Then she needs to stick to her decision. You both need to work on your relationship, and you need to be more present and supportive if she does choose to stay with you (assuming you want that now that she's cheating). You probably need marriage counseling to get through this and learn necessary communication and coping skills. If she doesn't choose you, then immediately file for divorce and sever contact.
SammySammy Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I've learned a lot from Anthony Robbins over the years. One thing I've learned is whenever you see a couple, family, business or other organization have problems it's usually because standards are too low. In the case of a couple, one or both of the partner's standards are too low. It's interesting to see the excuses we make for ourselves. "I was stressed because of work." "I was emotionally unavailable because of work." "I became grumpy because of work." No, what really happened is you didn't make your wife a priority during that time. Your standard of being there for her was too low. You allowed yourself to be emotionally unavailable. It shouldn't be surprising or confusing that she found somebody who wasn't emotionally unavailable. One of things Robbins talks about is the correlation between our standards and the results we get in life. If we put forth poor effort, we get poor results. We get laid off, fired, divorced ... our kids end up in jail. Low standards of performance lead to disastrous results. If you wanted to keep a great marriage, you have to do your part. Keep being a great partner. Because it's not true that "men" become emotionally unavailable when stressed at work. You did that. And all of our actions have consequences - positively or negatively. 3
Satu Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 snip She has always told me for years that I am her big love and we had some wonderful years together (with great sex and everything). The last months got a bit tough as I had a lot of stress with my work and *I became more stressed, isolating myself and becoming a grumpier person - all the stuff men do when they are too much occupied by work and stuff like that. Nonetheless we still had some great days in the last year (also the sex was still great, even after all these years we agreed that we dont have the urge to have sex with somebody else). *Which men? You and who else? 1
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 central, I understand your point, but sorry I cannot share your view point as it doesnt feel ok for me to pressure somebody who is also facing a very dangerous disease into this. (and if you would do so she'd be very clear she would like to be with this guy). I think this is a pretty exceptional situation. 2
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 MidKnightDreams, yes you are right that was also my conclusion somehow, just didnt want to go so much in detail here, but that was somehow also what I meant when I said that I learned how to do it better... Though it also wasnt just my will that I didnt put enough effort in it, it was also a question the energy I had and a lack of time. The thing that's missing in my mind is to understand if it's really possible that your partner of so many years just jumps to somebody else the next day and everything seems to be perfect, this is what I cannot grasp; if this wouldnt have happend I would have considered the breakup even as "good" because I very quickliy learned what went wrong. 1
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 @Toodaloo So from my gut feeling I will give it some more weeks, keep the contact low and see what happens and try to feel as good as I can in the mean time? Something inside myself keeps refusing to believe that this is reality... 1
SammySammy Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 MidKnightDreams, yes you are right that was also my conclusion somehow, just didnt want to go so much in detail here, but that was somehow also what I meant when I said that I learned how to do it better... Though it also wasnt just my will that I didnt put enough effort in it, it was also a question the energy I had and a lack of time. The thing that's missing in my mind is to understand if it's really possible that your partner of so many years just jumps to somebody else the next day and everything seems to be perfect, this is what I cannot grasp; if this wouldnt have happend I would have considered the breakup even as "good" because I very quickliy learned what went wrong. It happened. Of course, it's possible. None of that is of any consequence though. When she got with somebody else or how "perfect" their relationship seems to be doesn't change the fact that she's not with you. Doesn't really make your break up better or worse. The only thing that matters now is where you go from here. How do you learn from this experience? How do you grow? Utilize this experience to make you stronger? Become a better person and a better partner for the next lady that graces your life. I always view my break ups as a step up.
ChocolateRain Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 well i can not speak for your wife or tell you what is going on in her head BUT as a Cancer Patient myself i can tell you that .... everything she does right now she is probably not thinking rationally . No one can really understand what goes on in someone mind when they get diagnosed with this illness until it happens to them and since we are all individuals we all behave different . in my case i did some of the most stupidest things that i heavily regret till this day but i wasnt myself . Doctors also do a lot of fear mongering and therefore contribute much to peoples irrational behaviors imho .... you must understand from a cancer patients view she got her death sentence ... that's what most of us think and often also being told ...you will maybe live another 5 more years dont plan just enjoy live ...'' BAMMM '' deal with that !!!! She is in survival mode now .... i dont want to make this sound as one excuse , no ! But having been there myself and knowing the stunts i pulled ... i can really relate ... Surely , it is not easy for you to deal with it all but i think or assume you weren't really fully supporting her prior or during this mess so she hooked up with him ... Sometimes things happen in life though and maybe need to happen because i believe in fate ... maybe later when all the smoke has cleared all of you are able to understand why the things happened the way they did even if everything seems to be upside down right now ... healing to the both of you 2
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 ChocolateRain, I think you are quite right, besides that this was also what she said that she wants to be with somebody making her life "light-weight". Maybe all this stuff makes her quite a bit manic and to be honest when I saw her the last time she looked quite sad and depressed on one hand. Well I think this all is such a complicated, unique situation... 1
mg101 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Facebook is where fantasies are realized. Take it with a grain of salt. Illness does make you take stock of your life, sometimes to the extreme. I've seen it happen. 2 weeks is NOT reality. Yeah so they look perfect. I have a fat ass and I can get someone to take photos that makes it look smaller so does that make it real? No. I still have a fat ass. Do not believe facebook. Its all fairy dust and unicorns at the moment. Stop looking at her facebook etc. Well if she always felt lost then after this she will be feeling really out in the ocean. In all honesty this sounds like a fling to me. What you do if she comes back is another thing. Keep calm. Keep seeing your friends. Remain a rock. This guy is not better. He is just different. Toodaloo!! I just tried to send you, katiegirl and acacia98 a private message. Don't think it went through. I was thanking you 3 for the amazing insight you gave last summer about my bf i broke up with last month finally. I posted a very long winded dear diary thread about it all here today. I'm doing great. I read over your advice many times post break up. It was spot on. It just took me another year and much headache and heartbreak to fully realize. You guys are awesome.
ChocolateRain Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 ChocolateRain, I think you are quite right, besides that this was also what she said that she wants to be with somebody making her life "light-weight". Maybe all this stuff makes her quite a bit manic and to be honest when I saw her the last time she looked quite sad and depressed on one hand. Well I think this all is such a complicated, unique situation... This can go on for quite some years ...there are ups and downs some may never recover and sadly but true many dont survive . Some do ... But there is always beating time !!! it also depends on her type of cancer and many women have to deal with loosing breasts or their female organs and that in itself is so hard to deal with and life changes from one day to the other ... i dont want to write a book here and it looks as if you understand ... i feel sorry for you as well its not easy taking all of this in ... Blessings 1
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 (edited) ChocolateRain, yes luckily it was discovered at the earliest possible stage, so I'm pretty confident it should be ok somehow. But maybe you can provide some more insights how you feel when this s*** starts? Is it really like you probably just want to find something you can hold on to that makes you feel ok? And you forget all the other stuff? Would you say you are in this state of mind all the time? Or does it change also during the whole treatment? Edited June 23, 2016 by qwertz
ChocolateRain Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 ChocolateRain, yes luckily it was discovered at the earliest possible stage, so I'm pretty confident it should be ok somehow. But maybe you can provide some more insights how you feel when this s*** starts? Is it really like you probably just want to find something you can hold on to that makes you feel ok? And you forget all the other stuff? Would you say you are in this state of mind all the time? Or does it change also during the whole treatment? Well, i was told cold blooded that i will not survive more than 5 years . i had a complete hysterectomy and i wanted to commit suicide because from one moment to another i was in clinical meno pause . i have had two very dangerous surgeries to deal with and my body is pretty much done for as far as beauty goes . But other than that i am much better than before This is a lot to deal with all at once . Physically and mentally ... i dropped the love of my life because i couldnt bare him children anymore . Called my long lost school sweetheart because he has always been there for me in the past . i married a second time ( not my school sweetheart ) ... biggest mistake i have ever made but i didnt wanted to die alone ... i was just irrational and didnt really know what i was doing !!! Your life is just up side down from here on out . Every doctor visit you are sweating bullets . Emotions run hot cold and wild . For example ... i gave up all i had , i cleared my household and started to travel i dont want to own anything anymore . Still, till this day ... nothing is of value anymore ...except for ...LOVE conversations change and when cancer patients talk with each other we get annoyed of people who complain of a flu they have ... here we are trying to grasp on to life ... nothing that made sense before makes complete sense ... it literally changes all of you and the people around you . i have lost friends and gained friends ...my best friend could not deal with it and i never heard from her again . At first i was hurt , today i understand . As you see there is much to deal with for the patient as well as family members . There will probably come a time when things get back to normal , then again it might not depending also on her treatment . i say Normal but in reality nothing will ever be back to normal . feel free to ask ,even though i might not be able to help very much ... but would be nice if you told what type of Cancer she is suffering
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Well it's breast cancer, this triple negative thing, which is bad but as i said in a really early stage (like 18mm - a size were all other patients are laughing at her..). So far the doctors and now also she herself seem to be pretty sure it's supposed to be over by christmas, but nobody can tell for sure of course. Guess she seemed to be pretty sure to change a lot in her life after the diagnosis but the only thing mainly happening was the dating the new guy (who lives in the countryside which was her first excuse to see him the first time). Somehow I'm having the impression the rest of the days when she's alone she's probably depressed, that's why she's always texting and posting stuff on the internet (though she always claims to be fighting..)...
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 And ChocolateRain, maybe you have some wise advise for me how to deal with this situation? Like should I get out of the picture, probably see if she contacts me? Be there and care for her? Or whatever... This is really hard to see... Like I said my latest decision was to keep the contact as low as possible, except if she probably would need help in some sort of emergency...
ChocolateRain Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 i would have a talk with her ... tell her everything that you feel in your heart that is of importance to you . Listen to what she says ... chances are , her mind is now all over the place but at this point look out for your own well being too and maybe better to lay low for now . if you need to withdraw from her completely than do so and of course offer help in an emergency case ''if'' you can or able to really pull through in case such a situation ever occurs . But as i said dont forget yourself in the process ...as hard as this all is you deserve to be happy as well and be prepared to move on . Being sick is one thing but you have the right to choose yes or no in dealing with her and her situations ... There could be ups and downs as i have stated before ...specially with future procedures that she might have to endure ... i wish you hope and strength on this journey ... 1
ChocolateRain Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 except if she probably would need help in some sort of emergency... this is really awesome ... you are a brave soul
Author qwertz Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Well of course I would love to have a talk with her but I guess right now her mind is with the other guy right now as I can see with the stuff they are posting... Guess if I talk any relationship-related stuff with her it would just push her further away as she doesnt want to deal with "heavy" stuff, right now I think she's pretty sure she wants to move away from me (or move on, though I dont have the impression she's really moving on when immediately hooking up with somebody else)... 1
ChocolateRain Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 i would write her a letter , after all you were married ( or still are ) ... i somehow feel it could be of importance to her at a later time when things hopefully calm down . Just express your feelings, its your right ... and create space Depending on her future treatment , complications can always occur ... i have seen such cases . Nothing should be left unsaid, imho ... Then decide to move on ... 1
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