Ex asked if I want him to kill himself?

[cae88]

Hi everyone,

 

You can read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/576827-ex-boyfriend-wants-friends for a backstory on why me and my ex broke up and the aftermath of the breakup.

 

My ex texted me yesterday evening.

 

I had inadvertently left my phone at home and went out with my mother to run some errands and buy groceries. Imagine coming home to texts from your ex asking you if you want him to kill himself. He must have gotten a new number or borrowed a friends phone? At first, he text me “Hi, its *his name*. Just saying hello”, then when there was no response, two hours later he asks if I can at least reply and that he thinks “I have punished him enough now”. After that he said something that I have been thinking about since I read it “What is it you want me to kill myself then?”. Then “Just say what I should do”. “I am trying but I’m lost”.

 

I have not responded to his messages nor have I not blocked the number. I wanted to hear what you all have to say first. I am not a cold and heartless person. I care about his well-being. I don’t what him to take his life. When we were together, there were times when he was really depressed and spoke about killing himself (but that was years ago), so it’s not like he hasn’t expressed this or thought about it before.

 

After receiving his messages, it put a damper on my night, I thought about responding, but I didn’t. In an attempt to see if he was still around, last night (and earlier this morning), I checked his profile on Badoo to see if he had logged on. Something told me to check, and lo and behold, he had (in fact, at the very moment I checked this morning, he was online). I saw that he had been online at a location that was not where he lives.

 

I know what you might say: block the number, delete the messages. But what if he really decides to act on killing himself? What would me ignoring and blocking say? That I don’t care whether he commits suicide or not, which is not the case. I’m just wondering what to do or if there’s anything I could say to him. I woke up this morning with what he said on my conscience.

Edited June 23, 2016 by cae88

[Satu]

This is nothing but manipulation.

 

Emotional blackmail.

 

Block, delete, NC.

[jen1447]

Whether he's serious or not, it's a form of emotional blackmail bc he's using leverage that he doesn't have in any other way - your presumed responsibility for his death. He can't get that w/your presumed responsibility for just his well-being since he's your ex and that's not your job anymore, so he shamelessly dials it up to sth you can't just ignore as a decent human being.

 

He decided on those terms so personally my attitude on that is he gets what's naturally coming bc of it, which in this case should be some form of notification to another authority of what he told you. If that's his parents, siblings, friends (any of which you'd have to know from before), so be it. If you don't know any of those ppl, it should be a call to the police.

 

The cops likely won't do anything unless he's actually made a tangible threat to take his life and not just mentioned the possibility, particularly in the context of guilt-tripping you, but regardless you'll have done your civil duty and taken this serious matter to a higher authority that has the means and responsibility to deal with it. Unlike you.

 

And maybe next time he'll realize it's not such a good idea to play blackmail games with you when he knows you take suicide threats as seriously as they deserve to be taken.

[PegNosePete]

I know what you might say: block the number, delete the messages. But what if he really decides to act on killing himself?

Tell him to get professional help for his suicidal thoughts.

 

Then block the number, delete the messages.

 

Anything else, and you will be sucked into being his therapist for ever more. You are not his therapist. You are his EX.

[Zahara]

This is the guy that cheated on you, never truly accepted any accountability, was manipulative in terms of getting you to talk to him and then came around pestering you to forgive him? The one that sent you a half baked apology?

 

Personally, I think it's just another way of trying to break your silence because he hates feeling that he's being so severely punished and that maybe you'd just rather him dead. I don't think he literally means he's going to kill himself.

 

Reach out to his family and let them know that he has threatened suicide and let them know about his depression. If you care and want to help without getting involved, inform his family about his mental condition so that they can take care of him. You relinquish any responsibility, not that you have any, over his well being.

[SammySammy]

This is nothing but manipulation.

 

Emotional blackmail.

 

Block, delete, NC.

 

Agreed.

 

This is the type of thing that makes NC necessary.

 

You're not responsible for this emotional abuse and manipulation or what he decides to do with his life from this point forward.

[cae88]

Thank you to all who have responded so far. I will come back a bit later when I have more time to reply.

[angel.eyes]

I'm not familiar with your back story, but this is obvious emotional blackmail to guilt you into taking him back. Since he made the suggestion, however, I would call the cops and let them handle it. They are the professionals, not you. They are trained to assess if someone is an imminent threat to themselves or others. If he is, they'll ensure he gets involuntarily committed for a psych evaluation and treatment.

 

This is way beyond your capabilities. Call the authorities to deal with him, then block and delete.

[cae88]

Again, thank you to everyone who responded to my post on Thursday. After taking some time to think and process the situation, I have come to the conclusion that sending a short message to my ex suggesting to him to seek help is the best course of action.

 

For those of you who suggested I call the authorities and have them deal with him, I have not done that because I do not live in the United States, Canada, Europe or anywhere on the globe where the Baker Act can be enforced on an individual. I live on a small island. The police here do not take someone mentioning wanting to take their life as seriously as committing them for a psych evaluation and treatment as the authorities in the US do. As far as I know, the most the authorities where I live will potentially do is to encourage speaking to a therapist/counselor or calling a hotline.

 

Regarding informing his family, that is not an option, but I do know a best friend of his who helped him when he was contemplating ending his life years ago. However, this friend of his is moreso my associate rather than a friend (I have him as a friend on facebook), but we don't communicate at all.

 

Anyways, rather than making any sort of decision right away, I have taken the past few days to make observations and think about whether or not I should even say anything. I will say that I have noticed he has still been active on Badoo and since sending his messages to me, he changed his whatsapp picture to a female with the caption "My boo". So, it's not like he has isolated himself and is nowhere to be found or seen.

 

Never-the-less, despite everything I have said above, I feel that I should say something rather than nothing. I feel the best thing for me to do is to at least send him a message simply telling him that I hope he was not serious about killing himself and suggest that he talk to his best friend if he is feeling suicidal.

 

What do you think?

[LD1990]

Don't waste your time.

 

He's a cheater and a liar, so he's going with one of his specialties...lying. This was all just an attempt to get a reaction out of you. If he wanted to kill himself, he wouldn't run it by you first, and he sure as hell wouldn't be active on some dating app, or changing his profile picture on Whatsapp.

 

He's pushing buttons to see which one gets him what he wants. Block his ass on everything and be done with it. If you respond in anyway, I guarantee his new go-to move is going to be whining to you about how he's going to kill himself, anytime you won't answer him.

[guest569]

Are you able to contact one of his friends or family? Rather than telling him directly to get help.. It might not be manipulation or blackmail, he could be in a bad way and need help. Calling a friend thats probably what I would do. Because contacting him will make things more difficult, for both of you.

 

Having now read your backstory, I am surprised that this is going on after 1 year though. I still think this option will clear your conscience (what he is going through is not your fault and not your problem! ), and you can then cut off contact completely.

Edited June 26, 2016 by smiley1

[Zahara]

I think you want to make contact. This isn't about your concern about him killing himself. You're still struggling with letting go. You're concerned about his perception of you for not responding. You're afraid that by ignoring, you're sending him the message that it's final and you've shut that door. And that frightens you. Every time he makes contact, it rattles you. This is no different. Deep down you want to break the ice.

 

He's trolling for women and has a new "boo". It's all a ploy to break you into talking to him. I think you know this too and that's why you're avoiding informing others of his supposed intent to kill himself.

 

It would best to communicate with his friend/your associate but you'd rather open communication with someone that treated you poorly. Take the healthy route. Plus, this friend has dealt with this issue in the past. If you're really concerned, you'll reach out to this friend who can help him rather than you sending an email that will make no impact on someone that's "truly" contemplating suicide. The appropriate solution is available to you and it is your best course of action.

Edited June 26, 2016 by Zahara

[cae88]

If I contact his friend, I'll have to put some thought into what I am going to say and how I'm going to say it. My ex and I have been broken up for over a year. Bottom line, contacting his friend will be very out of the blue (maybe a bit awkward) and I don't want to say too much.

 

I have no control over how his friend is going to approach him about the information I tell him. Even if his friend doesn't say "Cae told me so and so", naturally if he brings up suicide to my ex, my ex will most likely put two and two together that I reached out to his friend - because right now my ex is portraying himself as quite fine (on whatsapp, etc).

 

I have not constructed anything to potentially send to his friend just yet, but this is what I was thinking to send to my ex, which I would send and block him after:

 

" Hey. I took a few days to process what you said to me on Wednesday. I don't know if you were serious about killing yourself, but I really hope you were not. You asked me what you should do. Reach out to *best friend name* if you're seriously feeling suicidal. I remember he talked you out of it the very first time you told me you were contemplating suicide after you found out about your diagnosis. I feel that he will be supportive, so please talk to him."

 

I'm concerned about him killing himself, but I am not torn up about it. Am I concerned about his perception of me for not responding? Maybe.

 

Re: letting go, I know that I am making progress because I have no romantic feelings towards him nor do I feel anything about him publicly displaying his "boo".

[Zahara]

Again, you're hoping to make contact with your ex when there is an appropriate channel that you can use in order to get your point/concern across.

 

There is nothing awkward about sending this friend/associate a message:

 

"Associate, Mr. Cheater has recently contacted me threatening to commit suicide. While I am concerned, I am not able nor is it appropriate for me to address the seriousness of his mental state by contacting him but rather hope that you, as his closest friend and one that has helped him before will be able to reach out to him and assess his situation. Thank you for your help." This way, someone can intervene, if you are really concerned. An email to your ex does nothing. It has zero impact on someone that is in that mindset unless you think your contact is what will save him from himself.

 

I think you're finding excuses and magnifying it. You're more concerned about how it reflects on him as to you contacting his friend rather than you contacting your ex directly. It makes no sense.

 

If you still want to communicate with your ex then do so. You need to somewhat relay the message to him that you care. I don't think anyone here can change your mind.

Edited June 26, 2016 by Zahara

[basil67]

It's not your problem if your ex gets upset about you confiding your concerns to his friend.

 

Your ex opened that door by threatening suicide. You dealt with it by telling someone who might care. If he expresses being upset about you telling the mate, simply respond by saying that you did what you thought was best. And that you'd do it again if need be.

 

Thing is, if he's seriously suicidal, telling his friend is the right decision. If he's playing games with you, then telling his friend you are concerned about the suicide comments will embarrass him out of such behaviour. Either way, you've done the right thing for yourself and for him.

[mrs rubble]

Again, thank you to everyone who responded to my post on Thursday. After taking some time to think and process the situation, I have come to the conclusion that sending a short message to my ex suggesting to him to seek help is the best course of action.

 

For those of you who suggested I call the authorities and have them deal with him, I have not done that because I do not live in the United States, Canada, Europe or anywhere on the globe where the Baker Act can be enforced on an individual. I live on a small island. The police here do not take someone mentioning wanting to take their life as seriously as committing them for a psych evaluation and treatment as the authorities in the US do. As far as I know, the most the authorities where I live will potentially do is to encourage speaking to a therapist/counselor or calling a hotline.

 

Regarding informing his family, that is not an option, but I do know a best friend of his who helped him when he was contemplating ending his life years ago. However, this friend of his is moreso my associate rather than a friend (I have him as a friend on facebook), but we don't communicate at all.

 

Anyways, rather than making any sort of decision right away, I have taken the past few days to make observations and think about whether or not I should even say anything. I will say that I have noticed he has still been active on Badoo and since sending his messages to me, he changed his whatsapp picture to a female with the caption "My boo". So, it's not like he has isolated himself and is nowhere to be found or seen.

 

Never-the-less, despite everything I have said above, I feel that I should say something rather than nothing. I feel the best thing for me to do is to at least send him a message simply telling him that I hope he was not serious about killing himself and suggest that he talk to his best friend if he is feeling suicidal.

 

What do you think?

 

You don't really know what the police will do, so why are you dismissing this option??

When my ex threatened to hang himself off the deck while our son was at school and I was at work, I rang the police- because the last thing I wanted was for our son to find him after school. The police went and paid him a visit, talked to him, and made sure our son was ok as well. The ex was highly embarrassed and growled at me for calling the police, but he hasn't thrown any threats around since that time.

[cae88]

Again, you're hoping to make contact with your ex when there is an appropriate channel that you can use in order to get your point/concern across.

 

There is nothing awkward about sending this friend/associate a message:

 

"Associate, Mr. Cheater has recently contacted me threatening to commit suicide. While I am concerned, I am not able nor is it appropriate for me to address the seriousness of his mental state by contacting him but rather hope that you, as his closest friend and one that has helped him before will be able to reach out to him and assess his situation. Thank you for your help." This way, someone can intervene, if you are really concerned. An email to your ex does nothing. It has zero impact on someone that is in that mindset unless you think your contact is what will save him from himself.

 

I think you're finding excuses and magnifying it. You're more concerned about how it reflects on him as to you contacting his friend rather than you contacting your ex directly. It makes no sense.

 

If you still want to communicate with your ex then do so. You need to somewhat relay the message to him that you care. I don't think anyone here can change your mind.

 

Thank you for following my story and sticking with me throughout the 3 threads I created here.

 

Yes, I do feel as though my contact will make more of an impact or save him from himself as you put it. In the past when he was going through things and I was there for him, he often told me that I am "his life", I kept him going, etc. I know it's not my responsibility to be that person anymore, and I certainly don't want to be his "therapist" or communicate with him on an ongoing basis. The idea of the message was just for me to say 'don't do it, seek help' and perhaps coming from me, he will listen.

 

I do see your point though, that it is really not necessary to break NC and that reaching out to his friend is an indirect means of intervention. I hope he will listen to the friend this time around.

 

Thanks for guiding me on what to say.

[cae88]

It's not your problem if your ex gets upset about you confiding your concerns to his friend.

 

Your ex opened that door by threatening suicide. You dealt with it by telling someone who might care. If he expresses being upset about you telling the mate, simply respond by saying that you did what you thought was best. And that you'd do it again if need be.

 

Thing is, if he's seriously suicidal, telling his friend is the right decision. If he's playing games with you, then telling his friend you are concerned about the suicide comments will embarrass him out of such behaviour. Either way, you've done the right thing for yourself and for him.

 

Yes, it's really not my problem if he gets upset about it. I need to stop being so concerned about what he thinks or perceives. I doubt it has crossed my ex's mind that I would think to contact his friend about his threat, but so be it. It's my decision to make.

[cae88]

You don't really know what the police will do, so why are you dismissing this option??

When my ex threatened to hang himself off the deck while our son was at school and I was at work, I rang the police- because the last thing I wanted was for our son to find him after school. The police went and paid him a visit, talked to him, and made sure our son was ok as well. The ex was highly embarrassed and growled at me for calling the police, but he hasn't thrown any threats around since that time.

 

True. I have never personally made a call to the police about this subject. I'm just going off of what I have heard and read.

 

Will the police pay a visit based off of a suicide concern? I don't know, but I have not heard of that happening.Where I live, the suicide rate is very low and investments in mental-health services are limited.

 

Despite this, I am not dismissing the option

[pteromom]

If I contact his friend, I'll have to put some thought into what I am going to say and how I'm going to say it. My ex and I have been broken up for over a year. Bottom line, contacting his friend will be very out of the blue (maybe a bit awkward) and I don't want to say too much.

 

No you don't.

 

Just say "Hi hope you are doing well. Here is a text I got from Ex-BF's-Name. I thought I should let someone know and I hope he gets the help he needs. (paste text from ex)"

 

Then let it go.

[Zahara]

The idea of the message was just for me to say 'don't do it, seek help' and perhaps coming from me, he will listen.

 

Why do you believe your words now have such value to him when he treated you like crap? What happens if you respond to him and a month from now he text messages you again from another phone with another "do you want me to kill myself" message? You're going to email him again? You already know he does not respect your need for NC. Don't break it.

 

I do see your point though, that it is really not necessary to break NC and that reaching out to his friend is an indirect means of intervention. I hope he will listen to the friend this time around.

 

You need to be focusing on your life. He is gone, he is the past.

[cae88]

I will send his friend a message on facebook

[DreamP]

" Hey. I took a few days to process what you said to me on Wednesday. I don't know if you were serious about killing yourself, but I really hope you were not. You asked me what you should do. Reach out to *best friend name* if you're seriously feeling suicidal. I remember he talked you out of it the very first time you told me you were contemplating suicide after you found out about your diagnosis. I feel that he will be supportive, so please talk to him."

 

If I was your ex and got this message, this is what it says.

 

She read the message.

She really thought about the response which means this message has been on her mind for days.

She is worried.

She responds when I talk about harming myself.

She even remembers the other time I talked about hurting myself.

This is an effective way to get to her. I will continue doing this. And if she stops responding, maybe hurt myself a little bit to show her I mean business

[cae88]

I sent the message to his friend and he responded.

 

He thanked me for the info, said that this is a shocker for him and informed me that he saw and spoke to my ex about 2 weeks ago and though he seemed a little more guarded, he showed no signs of being depressed. He also said he takes it seriously and will definitely speak to him today. Overall he sounded very concerned.

 

So it’s out of my hands now and I feel better. I’m thinking to respond to his friend to simply say “You’re welcome and thanks again. I take it seriously too. I care about him and I want him to be ok.” and leave it at that.

Edited June 28, 2016 by cae88

[jen1447]

I sent the message to his friend and he responded.

 

He thanked me for the info, said that this is a shocker for him and informed me that he saw and spoke to my ex about 2 weeks ago and though he seemed a little more guarded, he showed no signs of being depressed. He also said he takes it seriously and will definitely speak to him today. Overall he sounded very concerned.

 

So it’s out of my hands now and I feel better. I’m thinking to respond to his friend to simply say “You’re welcome and thanks again. I take it seriously too. I care about him and I want him to be ok.” and leave it at that.

 

While I'd like to think that his friend can expertly handle all the nuances of his needs pertaining to you, the reality is likely that at least some of what you pass onto him will get thru to your ex, so that means you should really leave out anything about how much you care. Insensitive as that might sound.

 

Otherwise I think you've handled it well.