troubleq Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Hi all, I don't know where exactly to start, but really need an objective opinion about my current situation. Anyway, I'll just try to explain it the best way I could. I've known my girlfriend (let's call her Mary) and housemate (let's call him Henry) for almost the same amount of time (since the age of around 12). For a long time three of us were in distant cities, until we all got together in one place because of university which is away from home for all of us. Henry and I were in touch for the past 11 years and we've shared a lot including many areas of interest, so that brought us closer and closer. And 2.5 years ago we decided to rent a place together, then things started becoming a little different. I've found out that Henry is not a very easy person to live together with (who doesn't feel responsible for anything, who doesn't do anything before being told so or by his own etc.). Even though this bothered me, I never allowed it to harm our friendship. Let's turn back to Mary. She is some kind of a long lost friend. We also never lost contact completely throughout the years but we saw each other less often as years passed. About 3 years ago we started seeing each other more often, and I started to have some feelings for her after a couple of months, but thought that I couldn't handle a relationship at that moment, so never attemped for anything. About 6 months after we moved together with Henry, Mary decided to move very close to us. Here, I should add that I've introduced Mary and Henry earlier to each other, so they knew each other when she decided to move close. Anyways, after she moved in, my school work got quite intense and I couldn't hang around with them as much as I used to. As I've observed they got closer and closer each day. And I haven't mentioned to Henry that I had feelings for Mary since I wasn't crazy in love with her or someting (and I wasn't going to ask her out or anything). But, when I was just going to school and doing my own business, one night I've learnt from her that she likes me. After thinking it through, I decided to give it a try. And we've been together for the past year. After a couple of months, I started spending more time with Mary and both I and Mary started feeling that Henry became a little passive aggressive towards us. And around about the same time Mary told me that before we started our relationship, she has learnt that Henry liked her very much. So everything started to make more sense. Despite being in the middle of a awful love triangle, I think everyhing is fine except for the fact that Mary doesn't really like Henry. She seems very irritated by his irresponsible and sometimes childish character. I also got very upset from time to time because of Henry's behavior before I and Mary started a romantic relationship, but as I've told before, I've never made it a big deal. But in these days, I've started becoming more and more annoyed by Henry. And Mary definitely does not want me to live with Henry anymore. One of our mutual friends recently told me that Mary is trying to drive me and Henry apart, Henry also needs attention and help and that Mary wants to have me all by herself and this is not nice. I think that Mary's behavior is quite understandable. This is the summary of all I guess. I am waiting for any response.
O'Malley Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 (edited) It sounds like you were having issues with Henry before Mary was even in the picture. Having a relationship with her just crystallized whatever issues are ongoing between you and him. Your girlfriend isn't responsible for how Henry is treating you (the passive aggressive behavior). You can ask Henry what's going on and see if he's willing to talk about it. Don't make the conversation about Mary and don't let him make it about her either. If you're that unhappy and stressed about your current living situation, then look into finding a new place and moving with minimal drama, but own the responsibility for that decision. Edited June 23, 2016 by O'Malley
smackie9 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Well who is has more priority? Mary or Henry? This is what happens when we become adults...you make adult decisions based on priorities. Change your living arrangements and find a place with Mary, BUT only if you feel there is a future with her...that's if marrying her is a possibility. If not, your days are numbered with her because she is not a priority. As for Henry, he needs to grow up. A simple conversation to just put it out there about his behavior may help smooth things over. Let him know you understand his feelings about it, but he can't spend time punishing everyone around him when he is upset. As for Mary, she needs a conversation too. Yes she is feeling second fiddle as Henry gets away with crap you get that, so you all need to come to some kind of compromise so you can coexist in each others lives.....no more playing games or conspiring to separate. Good communication is your only answer to get this figured out.
kendahke Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I think you may have interrupted Henry's thing by not saying anything the moment Mary came back on the scene about your feelings for her--because you had them, you just didn't want to act on them yet. I also think that Mary really likes Henry, has let him know as much and then she tossed him aside and hurt him when you began talking relationship with her. In my life's experience, when "madame protests too much, methinks", there's a really good reason for it. She's deflecting what she was actually up to when you weren't making time for her in the beginning. That's my thought on it.
Bee4Shine Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Circumstances change and personalities impact one another. Since your relationship with Mary started, it has changed things with Henry. Ultimately, this is what dating and marriage does. It eventually will change your circumstances and Henry will need to find his own place to live. Rarely do things stay the same, more often changes occur and we need to do what is right for our relationship. Hopefully you and Mary can have a conversation about the future and what that looks like. You need to choose how you want to proceed. Expecting status quo in spite of the relational changes is unrealistic.
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