Why does my break up hurt more now than it did initially?

[Thevesion]

Hello, this is my first time writing on here. It has been 2 months now since my ex bf (26) and I (25) broke up. It was a nasty breakup, but I don't know why I am hurting more now these past few days, than I ever had after I initially broke up with him. Of course I was crushed even then, but not to the level of sadness I have felt this past week.

 

We were together for little over a year. He was my first love and it was my first serious relationship. It was the same for him. We had both been with people before, but were never as invested as we were in eachother. Before he met me, his priorities were different. He went out a lot with his friends and solely looked for flings. He never took those seriously, and had no thoughts of a long-term relationship. However, when he met me, our strong connection made him reevaluate his lifestyle. He felt he was ready to get serious about his future and that I was what pushed him everyday to grow and mature as a man.

 

Now these are things he came to terms with himself. He himself said he wanted to give up his past. I never tried to change him. I loved him for who he was. Perhaps at times I put him on a pedestal, but he had qualities that just made me feel like no one ever had in my entire life. I am an extremely reserved person, and even writing on here took a lot for me. But he was able to help me learn to put down my walls.

 

However, his desire to change his old "lifestyle" didn't last long. Til this day I don't know if it was a fear of commitment or he had just checked out of the relationship.

 

In the last month and a half of the relationship, things started to change. Around this time, he had bought a home and was finishing moving in. I felt as though he was distancing himself a bit from me. Everything seemed fine before, and I mean that. I feel like a lot of people tend to be in denial - but literally we had zero problems at the time and he expressed zero concerns. So I was very taken aback. I gave him space because I understood the stress of moving into a new home. But I started to catch him in little lies and then ultimately a very huge lie.

 

Before this, he wholeheartedly had all my trust. But when I started to see that he was hiding things from me such as his whereabouts, I obviously started to express my doubts to him. He would say he was working on his home, but in reality was out partying with his friends – which I had never discouraged so I felt he was hiding something else. For a month straight, this guy made me feel like I was totally "crazy." He constantly tried to reassure me there was nothing going on and that if I loved him I should trust him. So I tried and for a week or two, we were good until I saw another lie. This is when it got pretty bad. We were fighting every day, he kept denying things, made me feel delusional, and I would cry hysterically every night. If I could go back, I would have been smarter, saved myself more pain, and ended it with the first lie. He told me maybe we needed a bit time apart to cool off and then meet up, but he was so emotionless about it.

 

During that "space" I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I constantly thought of him. I was a complete wreck, and my family seeing me like that made them resent him as well. I couldn't understand why the man I loved was pushing me away so hard for no reasonable explanation. Until one night, I think three days into our break, my gut just told me something wasn't right, and that he would never confess to anything. So I looked for things... and jackpot. I came across a girl's social media who I had suspicions about. And oh were my suspicions correct. There were pictures of her and my ex kissing, holding hands, lovey tweets about him, etc. He had been seeing her for a month behind my back.

 

He had no clue her page existed. He was a lawyer and always very quick-witted so if he knew about it, would have covered his tracks. Looking at it now, I don't think she knew I even existed. I immediately broke up with him. Through text because I didn't even want to see him or speak to him again. He didn't profusely apologize. Perhaps out of embarrassment for making me feel like I was imagining things. I felt so disrespected. I never knew someone could be so callous to a person they once loved. Three weeks after, he texted me. I ignored it. Then two weeks after that, he texted me a really long message saying he loved me and apologizing for what he did and that he would work every single day to improve himself for me. I told him I couldn't take him back, and that it was impossible for him to change in just a month.

 

That was three weeks ago. I know I shouldn't be looking, but I saw the girl has started following him on social media again, so perhaps they are talking. Which makes me feel his apology probably wasn't even sincere.

 

What I don't understand is why I am still holding on? Why am I holding on to someone who disrespected me so badly? I feel like such an option knowing that he even tried to come back around if she was still in the picture. Thinking of her in his life devastates me. I think of him happy and living life, and I am here still moping around trying to get it together. I have tried to be open to other people, but I am so stuck. I find it very difficult to put down my walls now. I feel like I have become even more guarded than before. I have been focusing on bettering myself and tell myself that I will find someone better who would treat me with the respect I deserve, but I don't know how to let go.

 

A part of me felt that maybe what he said was true and that he regretted his decision and that with some time without me, he would mature and truly realize his mistake. I feel so foolish for ever believing him and always giving him the benefit of the doubt. But I don't see him ever changing now, and I think that is why I have felt so extremely sad and all the wounds have reopened these past few days. I have decided to block him on everything so that the temptation to see what he is up to isn't there anymore.

 

I know that was a lot to read. Just trying to find ways out of this funk. Thanks.

Edited June 23, 2016 by Thevesion

[blu3]

I have been separated with my ex WH for a year and sometimes I still feel lost. We just need more time which is the only medicine for us now. Yes you are right. Should just block all channels that you can possibly access to him. Separated spouse with kid involved like myself is even harder as I can't block his mobile for visitation.

 

One faster way to heal is to focus your attention to other matters, I. E. Work, children, new lover (which is hard to even fall in love to another after infidelity case), hobbies, hangouts with friends, etc.

 

All the best to us all betrayed partners out there.. you are never alone.. speak out and don't keep all to yourself else will really go crazy.. lolz.

[Trinity_84]

Don't feel foolish for trusting. Good people trust, fools are the ones that cheat.

 

It seems to me, from what I read on here or my own personal experience, is that sometimes when one of the people in the relationship starts "feeling" something is off (ie, instinct kicks in), the other party gets defensive and starts gaslighting them. This is a classic technique to fool and consfuse and cowardly avoid doing the right thing.

 

You've just had your first heartbreak, it's completely normal that you still feel this way. It took me over 3 years to fully (and I meant completely) get over my first love.

 

Your ex isn't the person he was at the beginning of your relationship. He was infatuated, perhaps; maybe he did feel something different for you but his immaturity, commitment issues and fear made him fall back into his old ways. I still encounter people like him and I'm in my 30's (it applies to both men and women).

 

He wasn't the right person for you, and the heartbreak is going to sting for a while, but you'll bounce back. Good luck.

 

 

Oh and to answer the thread title question, now your ego is twice as hurt since you know there's another woman involved? Just a thought.

Edited June 23, 2016 by Trinity_84

[SixxChick]

It seems to me, from what I read on here or my own personal experience, is that sometimes when one of the people in the relationship starts "feeling" something is off (ie, instinct kicks in), the other party gets defensive and starts gaslighting them. This is a classic technique to fool and confuse and cowardly avoid doing the right thing.

 

That is exactly what happened in my situation. When I started paying attention to the seemingly infinite amount of red flags, it became confusing to me why I was even in love with this person in the first place. Then, when they turn the tables on you and "gaslight", it makes you feel like you are losing your mind.

 

Kick the pedestal over and concentrate on the bad things that made everything go so wrong. Don't blame yourself, consider it a lesson learned. You may be missing something that wasn't even there.

[teenyfish]

I am so sorry to hear this. I'm in a similar position and it kills. Just know that he will never be able to hurt you again and the worst is over. I tell myself that I deserve so much better (because I do) and that he did me a favor showing me what kind of man he was before our relationship got any more serious. He is a coward and you are a rockstar and you keep your head up. Ignore him, keep your dignity. It's going to hurt for a long time, but at least you can always be proud that you treated your relationship and others with respect and you're a good person - at the end of the day that's the best feeling.

 

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.

[bummer]

Don't feel foolish for trusting. Good people trust, fools are the ones that cheat.

 

This quote is brilliant!

 

I think it hurts right now because maybe you poked your head back into the social media hive to look around and got stung a few times.

 

Block, unfollow, ignore, distract, move on, be happy. Stick to real deal NC and the next two months will be easier I hope.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hello, this is my first time writing on here. It has been 2 months now since my ex bf (26) and I (25) broke up. It was a nasty breakup, but I don't know why I am hurting more now these past few days, than I ever had after I initially broke up with him. Of course I was crushed even then, but not to the level of sadness I have felt this past week.

 

.

.

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What I don't understand is why I am still holding on? Why am I holding on to someone who disrespected me so badly? I feel like such an option knowing that he even tried to come back around if she was still in the picture. Thinking of her in his life devastates me. I think of him happy and living life, and I am here still moping around trying to get it together. I have tried to be open to other people, but I am so stuck. I find it very difficult to put down my walls now. I feel like I have become even more guarded than before. I have been focusing on bettering myself and tell myself that I will find someone better who would treat me with the respect I deserve, but I don't know how to let go.

 

 

... I think that is why I have felt so extremely sad and all the wounds have reopened these past few days. I have decided to block him on everything so that the temptation to see what he is up to isn't there anymore.

 

 

 

 

Wow, after my just reading the title to your thread, I had an idea as to the answer, and your story matches my earlier thoughts.

 

 

Usually we field stories from partners who are (clinging to terrible people) and who (need to be inspired to break it off for good)... and the trick in those cases is to separate (that individual partner) from your emotional investment IN (that individual partner).

 

That way, when you recognize the scoundrel for what he is, independently of your own feelings and investment, it is much easier to make the break permanent.

 

 

Your situation is different, but does share a parallel with the above.

 

 

YOU very easily recognized that your partner was a lying and cheating bum, and so you made that permanent break almost reflexively (as you always told yourself you would do).

 

But NOW, your upheaval over having been so wronged, is starting to subside a little bit, and your environment is more calm than it was right after the break-up... and suddenly you are more 'free' to recognize and admire your own investment IN him (which IS appropriate and sensible).

 

You are recognizing what a generally-good partner YOU make, and you kinda felt robbed of the chance to (keep playing by your instincts and sharing a great relationship with somebody truly worthy of your company).

 

You have every right to even be "proud" of the sort of partner you are, and of the partner you anticipated being for/to him. And since his general 'image' is the freshest thing in your mind, as you envision a partner, you are thinking considerably about someone with the traits and reactions that he used to have.

 

I think your feelings are quite normal, and that you're ahead of a lot of people, who simply wouldn't have had the personal strength to stand-up for themselves when treated that way (see Hillary Clinton, if you need an example).

[juniorrocha]

I'm glad you didn't change your mind and went back to him when he asked for a second chance. I wasn't that smart, and 5 days after getting back with my ex, she broke up with me once again. Stay away from him.

 

I'm sorry to hear your story, mine was different but similar in terms. My ex use to lie, cheat, often had shady behavior and would blame me for that. She would always make it seem like I'm getting crazy or overreacting, but at the end of the day I wasn't. Now I see it very clear, all the **** she put me through, now I see everything that I accepted thinking I was the wrong one, blaming my inexistent insecurity, when in reality she was doing a bunch of wrong stuff behind my back.

 

She was my first love as well and it's being hard to get over her, but deep inside we always know what's best for us.

 

We're young (I'm same age as you) and we still have so much to live. In fact, we should consider ourselves blessed for going through this now, because then we'll be able to learn and get out of a bad relationship if it ever occurs again, without thinking we are wrong. We're not wrong for loving and being true.

 

I'm sure in a couple years we'll be at a different place, with someone nice by our sides and wondering why did we waste so much time with a bad person.

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm sorry he cheated on you. That makes a person not want to trust again. I think you may miss him because of the happy memories you had with him before he started distancing himself from you. As far as moving on goes, I think it's great you blocked him from all your social media sites! That will really help you from wondering about who he is spending his time with.

I think the only thing that really helps is time. Which is annoying because you want to feel better today!

I think keeping your mind occupied might help. Maybe you can read a book or learn a new craft. I delete emails and organize my email account when I'm upset (random but it helps!). Maybe you can reorganize your apartment or deep clean or something. Just do something that helps make your life easier

 

Hope this helps!