My Break Up Testimony: Breakup = Breakthrough!! + Was I Dumpee or Dumper? {UPDATED}

July 18, 2016

Contacting an ex you broke up with and then reach out to after the fact also gives the mpression that you're wishy-washy and self-doubting and gives the person the impression that what he did was OK since you're willing to open up a line of communication.

You've got this!!

July 18, 2016

LOL! Totally. It's funny how when you start writing stuff out you realize how it doesn't make any sense at all and would undue the hard work of NC.

I feel like the first 3 months are the hardest because things are still fragile and it's easy to forget why you disconnected the person. Stay strong and you'll reach a point where you won't ever look back.

I can't wait for that day! Ugh. I've been focused on getting myself together - personally and professionally - instead of dating. I dont see myself dating for several months tbh. I'm sure he's "dating" quite actively and the thought of that makes me think of the adage that the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else but I'm just not there... plus I'm way to picky.

July 18, 2016

Same here! My ex is dating someone and learning that really affected me more than expected.

I'm taking a break from actively dating to just have fun this summer with activities. I need clarity. I feel like getting involved in organizations and meeting new people will give me a new perspective.

We'll look back on this at some point and laugh - it's crazy how the first few weeks and months after a breakup are such a pain in the ass and an emotional rollercoaster.

July 18, 2016

Same here! My ex is dating someone and learning that really affected me more than expected.

I'm taking a break from actively dating to just have fun this summer with activities. I need clarity. I feel like getting involved in organizations and meeting new people will give me a new perspective.

We'll look back on this at some point and laugh - it's crazy how the first few weeks and months after a breakup are such a pain in the ass and an emotional rollercoaster.

How long have you been broken up? How'd you find out? Block him if its social media and if its friends, tell them no updates please. lol

Even though I have him blocked and deleted him on social media, I would still check it here and there. He's not the type to really post anything, but I decided I need to stop doing that on the off chance i see something plus it just keeps the person in your life to whatever degree. I know I need to block him on social media. That way i cant even go to his page. He even blocked me on instagram probably for the same reason.

July 18, 2016

How long have you been broken up? How'd you find out? Block him if its social media and if its friends, tell them no updates please. lol
Even though I have him blocked and deleted him on social media, I would still check it here and there. He's not the type to really post anything, but I decided I need to stop doing that on the off chance i see something plus it just keeps the person in your life to whatever degree. I know I need to block him on social media. That way i cant even go to his page. He even blocked me on instagram probably for the same reason.

I found out 2-3 weeks ago. We dated off and on for 8 freakin' years! This was my doing - there were things about him that didn't make me feel like I could be exclusively with him. I thought we were good friends enough that he'd be honest and tell me if he ever started dating someone. NOPE! I found out via text. That hurt so much. Still does.

We weren't even connected on FB or any social media until this point... Then after we kinda had our say via text, he sent me a FB friend request... and I was curious enough to accept. He doesn't post anything on it, kind of like me. He only has one photo with his new GF and it's from April.

The most hurtful thing he said (and maybe he didn't think it was hurtful at all): "I really loved you and tried my best to prove myself to you. I'm so sorry. I wish it was you I would be moving on with."

July 18, 2016

We dated off and on for 8 freakin' years! This was my doing - there were things about him that didn't make me feel like I could be exclusively with him. I thought we were good friends enough that he'd be honest and tell me if he ever started dating someone. NOPE! I found out via text. That hurt so much. Still does.

We weren't even connected on FB or any social media until this point... Then after we kinda had our say via text, he sent me a FB friend request... and I was curious enough to accept. He doesn't post anything on it, kind of like me. He only has one photo with his new GF and it's from April.

The most hurtful thing he said (and maybe he didn't think it was hurtful at all): "I really loved you and tried my best to prove myself to you. I'm so sorry. I wish it was you I would be moving on with."

What the hell does that even mean? I wish it was you I was moving on with... from being with you? Confusing. Yes adding you now may be a way to keep you in the loop i suppose. Are you still keeping in touch via text etc. ? Are you having doubts even though you broke it off? If so, maybe you should cut it completely off.

July 18, 2016

It won't. I'll either be fed bs, disappointed, or drawn back into the Web. You know, I think it's just my ego at play here. The fact that I don't even know wtf I'm trying to accomplish or what I need to know, says a lot I think. I hate to admit it, but maybe it's simply the fact that he hasn't made this grand gesture or declaration or even an apology, that's lingering. Smh ego

It's good that you recognize he isn't the answer to whatever answers you are looking for. When I broke NC, it was knee jerk reaction. It was based on emotions in the moment. I had a bad day a work, and I was thinking about him all day. I ended up calling him after work, and it made me feel so much worse than I imagined it could have. I could tell he was happy go lucky and moving on. Talking to me was like catching up with an old friend to him, and that hurt more than anything. To realize that he didn't need me in his life. And there I was, an emotional mess over this guy. I never broke NC after that.

I found that I actually had the answers I was looking for. I was in the relationship too, and I knew what went on. There was no confusion. Often me make things out to be more complicated than they were. Through his actions, he had shown me what was up, so there was no need for me to be confused when things ended like they did. Sometimes, when your emotions don't match up with reality, you are seeing what you want to see. You are over emphasizing the good times, and you are minimizing the red flags. You probably won't get any type of apology. I certainly never did, and, honestly, it wouldn't have mattered. What was done was done. No apology could have changed that.

July 18, 2016

It's good that you recognize he isn't the answer to whatever answers you are looking for. When I broke NC, it was knee jerk reaction. It was based on emotions in the moment. I had a bad day a work, and I was thinking about him all day. I ended up calling him after work, and it made me feel so much worse than I imagined it could have. I could tell he was happy go lucky and moving on. Talking to me was like catching up with an old friend to him, and that hurt more than anything. To realize that he didn't need me in his life. And there I was, an emotional mess over this guy. I never broke NC after that.

I found that I actually had the answers I was looking for. I was in the relationship too, and I knew what went on. There was no confusion. Often me make things out to be more complicated than they were. Through his actions, he had shown me what was up, so there was no need for me to be confused when things ended like they did. Sometimes, when your emotions don't match up with reality, you are seeing what you want to see. You are over emphasizing the good times, and you are minimizing the red flags. You probably won't get any type of apology. I certainly never did, and, honestly, it wouldn't have mattered. What was done was done. No apology could have changed that.

I'm sorry that happened to you! Did you ask questions when you called? I think I wouldn't have as well if I heard him happy go lucky.

Your comment about having been in the relationship too and making things more complicated than they are is spot on. I know he was manipulative. I know he had boundary issues and likely cheated during the relationship. I know he only offered lip service. I know he didn't show he cared. I know he could be cold and hurtful when he wanted to. I know he didn't add anything of real value to my life. I know I was an emotional mess while i was with him the last several months. I know he didn't "fight" for us because he knew he could never be what he needed to be for it to work and he couldn't bs around that fact anymore since I wasn't quietly complying and accepting less than without a struggle. And most importantly, I know i cut it off the way i did because i was too caught up in the web to end it in any sort of cordial manner with "closure". I know all these things. What could he possibly tell me - "I'm sorry", "I miss you, I'll change"...? Those are the "best case scnarios" and even they mean nothing because he's said all those things before and after our last break up, yet nothing changed. Things only got worse.

Yeah, it'd be pointless to say the least.

July 18, 2016

I'm sorry that happened to you! Did you ask questions when you called? I think I wouldn't have as well if I heard him happy go lucky.

I can't remember exactly what I asked, but it was something about him possibly changing his mind in the future. Of course, he hedged and said maybe things could work in several years. I remember him specifically saying that because I thought it was so lame. Hearing someone who is ambivalent is the worst because they don't even care enough to hate you. They literally have no emotion regarding you.

July 18, 2016

I can't remember exactly what I asked, but it was something about him possibly changing his mind in the future. Of course, he hedged and said maybe things could work in several years. I remember him specifically saying that because I thought it was so lame. Hearing someone who is ambivalent is the worst because they don't even care enough to hate you. They literally have no emotion regarding you.

I know. They say indifference, not hate, is the opposite of love.

How full of himself to think he'd even be an option for YOU in several years. So glad you went back NC.

July 19, 2016

Please hang in there and do whatever you can to keep yourself from contacting him. I'm rooting for you. It felt good reading your posts and learning that you showed him!

You've accomplished so much so far in terms of moving on, and I would hate to see you break NC and give him the satisfaction that you are still thinking of him in any shape or form. Your ex sounds like a very petty guy (reminds me of my ex) based on what you wrote about how he's all words/tried to punish you, etc.

A petty guy like that will get a great satisfaction from knowing that you are still thinking about him, and can even delude himself to thinking that you still want him (because he's god's gift to women). If you contact him, he can either make you feel guilty about not responding to his birthday message, or exaggerate how great he is doing/how he's changed (which my ex did). Either way, you will probably end up feeling much worse.

July 30, 2016

I unfriended him on social media 2mos ago and blocked him on my phones. He blocked me on Instagram after I didn't respond to a msg week 2. He whatsapp msgd happy bday earlier this month, i ignored. I have been doing very well not checking his Facebook (we're not friends but most of his posts are public). This Monday noticed he hid his friends list. Then he unblocked me on Instagram (not friends so not sure the point, both our pages are private).

Well I made the mistake of searching a girl he met back in December while we were together through a friend of his and saw he just added her as a friend. Probably this week. We'd had an issue about this girl, he'd lied how he met her and why they were liking double digit number of pics of each other. He had blocked her back then claiming it was nothing. I didn't believe it but let it go. When we had a completely unrelated issue months later, he added her on facebook to irk me then later deleted it when brought it up and pretended it was just a pending request he accepted. He later admitted he did it because he was pissed.

I know. I know. I'm pathetic. But bear with me, do you see any underlying reason he may have hidden his Facebook friend list then unblocked my on ig and simultaneously added her?

I've regressed, guys. I'm here annoyed about what should be a non issue for me. And I'm feeling down on myself too because she's quite pretty, but more so I'm imagining he's moving on yet I haven't met anyone I like. My imagination is running wild. It's almost a competitive feeling. Plus insecurities. Plus being pissed.

Help.

Edited July 30, 2016 by mg101

July 30, 2016

You're not pathetic, but you're not acting in your own best interests.

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

Take care.

July 30, 2016

You're not pathetic, but you're not acting in your own best interests.

*No direct contact.
*No sending or receiving of messages.
*Block any means he might use to contact you.
*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.
*No indirect contact through third parties.
*De-friend or delete him from all social media.
*No monitoring of him on social media.
*No 'little birds' feeding you news.
*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

Take care.

I know. I always love your responses Satu. But I won't lie, it's eating me up. I got to the office at 630am today and just left an hour ago trying to occupy my mind. I hate how I feel right now.

July 30, 2016

You're not pathetic. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're going to stumble, here and there, but the important thing to do is to not stay there. When you get rattled, step back, sit down, breathe deep breaths and focus on why you ended it and try to rationalize and let your brain take over. Don't sit there, run with your emotions, dwell and keep feeding that anxiety. You literally have to snap out of it.

It's not a competition. Reality of a break-up is that people WILL move on, each at a different pace on a different path. Don't compare journeys. You ended it with him for a reason, or for many I'm sure. Journal what and how you felt and what the relationship was actually like. When you feel like you've lost a prize, or feel devalued because he's with a prettier woman -- go back to your truth. It will help you calm your emotions and move you from romanticizing/idealizing to the harsh truth.

July 30, 2016

I know. I know. I'm pathetic. But bear with me, do you see any underlying reason he may have hidden his Facebook friend list then unblocked my on ig and simultaneously added her?

I've regressed, guys. I'm here annoyed about what should be a non issue for me. And I'm feeling down on myself too because she's quite pretty, but more so I'm imagining he's moving on yet I haven't met anyone I like. My imagination is running wild. It's almost a competitive feeling. Plus insecurities. Plus being pissed.

Help.

You are not pathetic, and it is REALLY annoying how everyone has to justify themselves because they regress and then reach out with questions for fear that people will tell them "don't worry about it, stop thinking about it" when clearly you can't.

So let's get to your question and stop with the judgyness of why you took a step back...

I'm assuming he broke up with you?

It could be he is thinking about you and missing you but also trying to see if something will happen with this girl. He doesn't want you to know about her because then all your suspicions of back then would be proven right and he would look douchey.

Not sure why you broke up, but I wouldn't put to much stock in his behaviour the fact he is lying about this girl and added her when you felt something was not right about his interest in her back then, should definitely tell you your intuition was right and justified. If he was just a friend of hers and what he was doing back then by adding her was totally innocent he wouldn't hide it from you now.

July 30, 2016

You are not pathetic, and it is REALLY annoying how everyone has to justify themselves because they regress and then reach out with questions for fear that people will tell them "don't worry about it, stop thinking about it" when clearly you can't.

So let's get to your question and stop with the judgyness of why you took a step back...

I'm assuming he broke up with you?

It could be he is thinking about you and missing you but also trying to see if something will happen with this girl. He doesn't want you to know about her because then all your suspicions of back then would be proven right and he would look douchey.

Not sure why you broke up, but I wouldn't put to much stock in his behaviour the fact he is lying about this girl and added her when you felt something was not right about his interest in her back then, should definitely tell you your intuition was right and justified. If he was just a friend of hers and what he was doing back then by adding her was totally innocent he wouldn't hide it from you now.

Thank you.

I broke up with him technically. For the second time. He promised and pleaded he'd be better before and nothing changed. He was selfish. And lazy. And lied, couldn't be trusted. This time, he did his emotional abuse new thing and stone walled me after an argument. After 3 days, I blocked him and the rest is what I described above.

I agree with what you've said. I'm just not sure why he unblocked me on instagram. I'd already deleted him and ignored his video msg there 1.5 months ago. So the timing is odd.

It had gotten so taxing to me feeling so unsure wI think him and the lies plus manipulation at the tail end, I was on the verge of a drinking problem, and I don't even drink like that. Well, tonight I did. I have a headache and feel gross right now.

What possess me off is we ran into the girl while together new years eve. His mutual friend came and said hi but this girl never did and he seemed uncomfortable. Her bf at the time was there too. He claims I gave her the evil eye. I don't think I did. Anyway, this girl is from a culture I'm from and the women usually will not date someone like him. Hard to explain. But I feel like being seen with me actually increased his stock. I feel icky even saying that, but it's the truth. We were mismatched in a lot of ways. I'm thinking I actually improved his chances there that.

You know how you verbalize something aND feel stupid? Yeah that's me right now. But it's how I'm feeling. I'm annoyed. I also know I'm considered attractive but I always tend to doubt myself in these types of scenarios and begin discounting myself. HaRd to explain.

Idk what to exactly do here. I do know if his actions were intentional, he succeeded.

July 30, 2016

You're not pathetic. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're going to stumble, here and there, but the important thing to do is to not stay there. When you get rattled, step back, sit down, breathe deep breaths and focus on why you ended it and try to rationalize and let your brain take over. Don't sit there, run with your emotions, dwell and keep feeding that anxiety. You literally have to snap out of it.

It's not a competition. Reality of a break-up is that people WILL move on, each at a different pace on a different path. Don't compare journeys. You ended it with him for a reason, or for many I'm sure. Journal what and how you felt and what the relationship was actually like. When you feel like you've lost a prize, or feel devalued because he's with a prettier woman -- go back to your truth. It will help you calm your emotions and move you from romanticizing/idealizing to the harsh truth.

Thanks, doll. You always have a way of putting things.

It's this competitive feeling I hate. Plus the idea that my intuition was right all along. I hate feeling like someone thinks they got one over on me. And now residual feelings if, why didn't he "fight" for me are creeping up. Wtf. Terrible!

July 30, 2016

It's this competitive feeling I hate. Plus the idea that my intuition was right all along. I hate feeling like someone thinks they got one over on me. And now residual feelings if, why didn't he "fight" for me are creeping up. Wtf. Terrible!

So, he's:

1. Selfish

2. Lazy

3. A liar

4. Emotionally abusive

5. "Stonewaller" to which I'll add highly likely to be passive aggressive (read about those traits)

And you're asking if he's playing games? Someone with that kind of mindset? It's pretty apparent I believe.

And you're in competition with him? You desire a man like that to fight for you and validate you? Is it because you don't value yourself very much? His devaluation of you is not a reflection of your worth nor does it define you. It has nothing to do with you but everything to do with how he is wired. You are your own champion, fight for yourself. With all of the above you have unrealistic expectations of him.

I understand you're hurt and possibly conflicted because you still do an have an emotional tie to him, but this is why you need to check into your brain when these irrational emotions surface. You need to counter. Journal. Analyze. It's akin to reprogramming. You don't sit there and cry and mope about it and run with those bad emotions because it keeps you stuck and dwelling. Be proactive and think.

Competition with what? Some pretty girl is going to get what? All of the above?He's not going to become this amazing and loving partner tomorrow because those traits that made you leave are ingrained and it's not going away. So check your reality.

You may keep going up and down but everytime you're down, sit back and analyze and ask yourself what are you actually upset about. Youll come to realize each and every moment when you do this exercise that it's a useless and wasted investment of emotion and energy.

And stop checking social media. Discipline. Focus inward and stop looking elsewhere.

Edited July 30, 2016 by Zahara

July 30, 2016

Wow, Zahara. Those are such realistic, insightful, rational words. They resonate with me, and I hope they resonate with mg101 as well.

July 30, 2016

Zahara, you're right. It's tapping into the rational mind and not emotions that's key. I should go back to Journaling. I'd tried that once and it only made me feel like I was giving him space in my mind but that was when I was actually doing quite well beforehand. At this point it can only help.

I'm very upset with myself for even checking the social media. I knew better. I was being a glutton for punishment perhaps, and sabotaging my great progress.

The competition thing and self esteem points you made are spot on. I really must have a weak esteem to be this affected. I'm embarrassed my it tbh. I shouldn't feel as upset, indignant as I did, and more so I shouldn't have let it make me question my value. He's no prize, you're right. That's why I left as I did. I knew he was untrustworthy. I always felt like he phased out his ex when he met me. Even though he denied it, my intuition always said that. I'm sure this girl was a possible back up plan for him. Like I was with his ex. Yet look how that turned out. Smh

I woke up with a hangover feeling terrible. I've wasted 3 days on this when I had so many personal plans I neglected. I just can't let it go further down this road.

July 30, 2016

mg101, try to be gentler with yourself. You checked his social media, and it hurt you. You know it shouldn't have affected you as much as it did, but it did--and that's okay. Now you can take this as a lesson as to not check again, because it will only hurt you yet again.

Take care of yourself. It's time to nourish yourself. I can understand that journaling feels like giving him space in your mind, but it is not the same kind of space you're giving him when you allow him to denote your worthiness/self-worth.

You don't trust him. Remember that. Journal about that. Allow yourself to feel the pain and then to break through it. With every breakdown comes an opportunity for a breakthrough.

Take care.

July 30, 2016

mg101, try to be gentler with yourself. You checked his social media, and it hurt you. You know it shouldn't have affected you as much as it did, but it did--and that's okay. Now you can take this as a lesson as to not check again, because it will only hurt you yet again.

Take care of yourself. It's time to nourish yourself. I can understand that journaling feels like giving him space in your mind, but it is not the same kind of space you're giving him when you allow him to denote your worthiness/self-worth.

You don't trust him. Remember that. Journal about that. Allow yourself to feel the pain and then to break through it. With every breakdown comes an opportunity for a breakthrough.

Take care.

Thank you. I'm literally doing that now. My mind is still wandering even as I do it. Rationalizing that maybe he wasn't so bad or maybe it was my faults that made things worse. Guilt is a big issue I've always had. I minimize the other persons fault and magnify mine. He picked up on that in our relationship and really used that to his advantage. For half the time, the focus somehow became how we never progress because of ME...because I'm never happy with him. Never mind that he lied, was lazy in the relationship, and broke trust many times. But I began to believed it and I'd fight to not complain even when I had a reason to. It was so emotionally draining but it did leave me with unwarranted guilt which is how he wormed his way back in last time I broke up with him. But this time it was too much and he knew I was becoming aware of his tactics.

Sorry I rambled. Semi Journaling here I guess.

But thank you very much for your words. I just want to get back to how great I was going at first.

August 2, 2016

So, he's:

1. Selfish
2. Lazy
3. A liar
4. Emotionally abusive
5. "Stonewaller" to which I'll add highly likely to be passive aggressive (read about those traits)

And you're asking if he's playing games? Someone with that kind of mindset? It's pretty apparent I believe.

And you're in competition with him? You desire a man like that to fight for you and validate you? Is it because you don't value yourself very much? His devaluation of you is not a reflection of your worth nor does it define you. It has nothing to do with you but everything to do with how he is wired. You are your own champion, fight for yourself. With all of the above you have unrealistic expectations of him.

I understand you're hurt and possibly conflicted because you still do an have an emotional tie to him, but this is why you need to check into your brain when these irrational emotions surface. You need to counter. Journal. Analyze. It's akin to reprogramming. You don't sit there and cry and mope about it and run with those bad emotions because it keeps you stuck and dwelling. Be proactive and think.

Competition with what? Some pretty girl is going to get what? All of the above?He's not going to become this amazing and loving partner tomorrow because those traits that made you leave are ingrained and it's not going away. So check your reality.

You may keep going up and down but everytime you're down, sit back and analyze and ask yourself what are you actually upset about. Youll come to realize each and every moment when you do this exercise that it's a useless and wasted investment of emotion and energy.

And stop checking social media. Discipline. Focus inward and stop looking elsewhere.

I keep rereading your words. I've had a bad weekend. I even went on her page to see if I saw anything. I see she broke up with her bf. Nothing else. But my imagination is running wild. I'm not even jealous of her or competitive with her. It's him.. I hate that he could possibly get the satisfaction of mistreating me and think he came out on top by snagging someone of my culture who probably thinks he's worth a dime because she saw him with me. It sounds ridiculous I know. I did journal as suggested. Several times. It helped but only in that moment I guess. I even had the fleeting thought of messaging her..that's when I realized, wtf! Stop it.

Any suggestions? I'm thinking I should deactivate my social media for three months period. My curiosity is killing me though. I wish I'd never fallen for his trap. I was doing very well.

August 3, 2016

NC 2months. I literally just unblocked him on whatsapp and RIGHT as I did it i saw he was typing a message. Such crazy timing! I cried reading it because it's the apology I never got and I think I was missing from being able to really move on.

I want to reply thank you but ONLY if it's not going to open the door. How do you interpret it? Do you think there's more to his intentions than clearing his conscience? If so, then I won't reply and I'll re block. Here it is:

MG, I'm SORRY for hurting you. I'm SORRY for taking advantage of how much you loved me. I'm SORRY for letting you fall in love and not doing my part to make you happy. I'm SORRY for being so selfish. I'm SORRY for not saying I'm SORRY. You were right and I know it's too late.

-----

Edit to add: now that the initial shock has passed, parts of it seem...

But I'll wait for thoughts.

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My Break Up Testimony: Breakup = Breakthrough!! + Was I Dumpee or Dumper? {UPDATED}

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