Heartbroken12416 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Hey everybody!. So I can use some advice on a situation... Here's what's going on... So about a month and a half ago, I went on a date with this guy. Things were going great for the first 3 or 4 weeks and then things slowly started going downhill. We have slept together, but we have been in contact every day ever since our date. We talk almost all day, he sends me sweet texts, tells me how he misses me, how he can't wait to see me again, etc... We have gotten together quite a bit since we met too. But about 2 weeks ago, things changed....and I'm starting to wonder if he has lost interest. He wouldn't text as much, he stopped the sweet texts, was very blunt and to the point and there was always an "excuse" when we made plans to hang out. Now his line of work is very busy, I do understand that, but there has been now about 4 or 5 occasions as to where we planned getting together and he ended up "not being able to make it". He was either called into work, somebody called off so he had to cover, he was too busy at his job, or he got sick. I ended up sending him a text one day asking if he was still interested in me, and he replied saying he is and that he was sorry and that he'd try to be more responsive. So the next few days were great. He texted a lot, sent me those sweet texts, and we ended up getting together to hang out one night....and things have been pretty good up until today... So we were supposed to get together tonight but he told me he was sick and so we couldn't. I told him I understood and we continued to chat for a few hours until I had to go to work for a couple hours. Things seemed fine... When I got out of work I asked if he had time to call me and he never called and never responded. So I waited for a few hours thinking he was maybe sleeping or whatever. Then I sent him another text asking if he had got my message and if he had time to talk for a few minutes, still no call and no response. I haven't sent him any more texts but the last time we talked was around 11am and I haven't heard anything from him since. I'm not trying to obsess which I know I kind of am, but when people ignore texts that is probably my all time biggest pet peeve!. I don't understand how in about 9 hours you can't text and say ANYTHING to me. Idk maybe that's just me, but I find it respectful to return texts. This isn't the first time he's done this before. But to be honest, I'm starting to feel like either he's lost interest (but he says he hasn't) or he thinks I want more and he doesn't so he's backing off. I just don't know what to do. I've been single for about 3 years now and have run into this A LOT. The disappearing or the slow fade out guy. I've decided to kind of give him space and let him figure out things but I was kinda liking him and it is bothering me not to know what's going on and if I'll ever hear from him again. Does anybody have any advice on what you think I should do or what you think is going on?. And please don't be shy on what to say to me!. If you think I'm over reacting, please tell me!. I just need some opinions on what to do :/
Buddhist Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I would have given up after the four of five dates cancelled. I mean it's not one date cancelled it's a consistent pattern over a period of time. If this were me I'd leave it completely now. If he contacts you okay, if not then you're not wasting anymore time and energy on this. It doesn't really matter how much we like someone, that feelings got to be mutual for it to go anywhere. 2
Author Heartbroken12416 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Thanks so much for your response!. I guess I was trying to be understanding because he does have a high stress busy job, but at the same time as you said, cancelling all those times probably means something else is going on. Oh well :(
Versacehottie Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 For whatever reason you are not a priority to him right now. Assuming you want to make this work OR at least be the one with the decision-making power about that, stop worrying about the reasons why. Just act in accordance with his actions. ie low interest in replying to messages, flakey behavior drops him to low priority on your list. I think if this has repeatedly been happening to you (and if i can read thru the lines of your post), I would say you are acting like a girlfriend when you are not yet one. Thus the guy is feeling the dreaded responsibility and obligation of being in relationship when he has yet to chose to be in one. In his mind dating means one thing (less responsibility, more fun) and in a relationship another. Basically, he should be trying to pin you down, not the other way around. So pull back. If you still talk to him and are in contact with him (due to his efforts; you've done enough at this point), act like your best self and not snippy or snarky. If you feel, or must act, snippy or snarky, then don't continuing to talk to him, is actually letting him know you are "right there" and it's not going to be fun! You need to dial down his importance in your life, show him what he is missing by being awesome but not trying too hard when you guys are in contact and then step back and let him step up. Consider this a resetting phase (if you want it to be; you will learn something from it at the very least since it is a repetitive problem for you; some could make the argument for just dropping him altogether which is a fine decision too). Fill your life with other interests. Good luck 2
smackie9 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Good lord is it not obvious? He's seeing someone else hands down. Ditch this a hole. When it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. The signs were there. Too busy to meet up, lack of response, blunt responses, fading, then sending a sweet text to keep you on the hook. This fails, don't get sucked into this kind of crap from guys. You are not missing out if you kick them to the curb. 3
Dis Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I'm sorry hun...sounds like this is tough on you...I understand why Its a pet peeve of mine when people dont text back...hate that! So from what I gathered you're not exclusive with him yet...and its still pretty early on... People are on their best behavior in the early stages of dating....so if he's acting like this now he's either not interested in you or this is how he's always going to act Either option wouldnt make me want to pursue things with him...thats for sure! I think the question you need to ask yourself is not, "Is he still into me?" Its, "Why am I into a guy thats wishy washy and wont get back to me?" I think you deserve better. You said yourself if someone texts you, you text back...so go find a guy that will do the same No need to waste time on a guy that wont give you the time of day Chalk it up to what it is...either he's not into you anymore or he's too inconsiderate to be taken seriously Just one more point I'd like to mention, this is just my opinion....but I've read alot of threads about woman having sex with guys without exclusivity only to find out the guy is a douche IMO its best to hold off on sex until the guy asks you to be exclusive....I think that would save alot of women alot of pain and heartache I personally follow that rule and its worked out just fine for me 1
tinkerbell16 Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Hey everybody!. So I can use some advice on a situation... Here's what's going on... So about a month and a half ago, I went on a date with this guy. Things were going great for the first 3 or 4 weeks and then things slowly started going downhill. We have slept together, but we have been in contact every day ever since our date. We talk almost all day, he sends me sweet texts, tells me how he misses me, how he can't wait to see me again, etc... We have gotten together quite a bit since we met too. But about 2 weeks ago, things changed....and I'm starting to wonder if he has lost interest. He wouldn't text as much, he stopped the sweet texts, was very blunt and to the point and there was always an "excuse" when we made plans to hang out. Now his line of work is very busy, I do understand that, but there has been now about 4 or 5 occasions as to where we planned getting together and he ended up "not being able to make it". He was either called into work, somebody called off so he had to cover, he was too busy at his job, or he got sick. I ended up sending him a text one day asking if he was still interested in me, and he replied saying he is and that he was sorry and that he'd try to be more responsive. So the next few days were great. He texted a lot, sent me those sweet texts, and we ended up getting together to hang out one night....and things have been pretty good up until today... So we were supposed to get together tonight but he told me he was sick and so we couldn't. I told him I understood and we continued to chat for a few hours until I had to go to work for a couple hours. Things seemed fine... When I got out of work I asked if he had time to call me and he never called and never responded. So I waited for a few hours thinking he was maybe sleeping or whatever. Then I sent him another text asking if he had got my message and if he had time to talk for a few minutes, still no call and no response. I haven't sent him any more texts but the last time we talked was around 11am and I haven't heard anything from him since. I'm not trying to obsess which I know I kind of am, but when people ignore texts that is probably my all time biggest pet peeve!. I don't understand how in about 9 hours you can't text and say ANYTHING to me. Idk maybe that's just me, but I find it respectful to return texts. This isn't the first time he's done this before. But to be honest, I'm starting to feel like either he's lost interest (but he says he hasn't) or he thinks I want more and he doesn't so he's backing off. I just don't know what to do. I've been single for about 3 years now and have run into this A LOT. The disappearing or the slow fade out guy. I've decided to kind of give him space and let him figure out things but I was kinda liking him and it is bothering me not to know what's going on and if I'll ever hear from him again. Does anybody have any advice on what you think I should do or what you think is going on?. And please don't be shy on what to say to me!. If you think I'm over reacting, please tell me!. I just need some opinions on what to do :/ Someone else has his attention or he thinks you are wanting more than he does so he is backing off/fading. Either case it's dead end. Sorry you are going through this. Getting to know someone better and their intentions better before having sex moving forward will decrease the odds of this happening again. 1
Author Heartbroken12416 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Thanks to everybody who responded to my thread!. So last night I completely gave up. I deleted all ouf texts and erased his number. To my surprise, he actually texted me this morning. I thought he was done and was completely shocked. Nothing was brought up about him ignoring me. I politely responded to his message but I am very on guard and will continue being on guard until (or if) things become different between us. Im just going to be very subtle and let him kinda come to me now. I dont mind sending a hi text but im not going to text asking him to call or wondering why hes not responding. I will also not be asking him to hang out anymore. I do want to see him but I kinda feel like the ball is in his court now. Ive been the only one asking to hang out for the past few weeks, so now im leaving it up to him. Idk if I was maybe coming off too strong BUT with him texting me this morning I feel that I havent pushed him away just yet. Im just gonna take one day at a time and see where it goes. Maybe nothing will come out of it, but maybe something will. Who knows.... Thanks again for all your help!
TXGuy Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 Different people have different needs for contact. You seem to need a lot of contact. It sounds like you are constantly texting all day every day. That would be exhausting for many men (people). If I read things right, he upset you by going 9 hours without texting you one day he was sick. I think your plan to back off is a good one. You can get a better idea of his comfort level of communication frequency this way. Then you can decide if that is enough for you. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Thanks to everybody who responded to my thread!. So last night I completely gave up. I deleted all ouf texts and erased his number. To my surprise, he actually texted me this morning. I thought he was done and was completely shocked. Nothing was brought up about him ignoring me. I politely responded to his message but I am very on guard and will continue being on guard until (or if) things become different between us. Im just going to be very subtle and let him kinda come to me now. I dont mind sending a hi text but im not going to text asking him to call or wondering why hes not responding. I will also not be asking him to hang out anymore. I do want to see him but I kinda feel like the ball is in his court now. Ive been the only one asking to hang out for the past few weeks, so now im leaving it up to him. Idk if I was maybe coming off too strong BUT with him texting me this morning I feel that I havent pushed him away just yet. Im just gonna take one day at a time and see where it goes. Maybe nothing will come out of it, but maybe something will. Who knows.... Thanks again for all your help! Ok, glad it is going like this>>>>in that he is in touch. You need to incorporate the lesson you may have learned from this into your life going forward. It's a bit reactionary to cut someone off completely like you did when perhaps your expectations were out of line. You need to give/get more matched expectations in the future. Like he gives some, and you give some back and so on and so forth. That will do a better job of keeping things in check for you. I'm just imagining what it might have been like on the other side of your communication: like if you are acting like you are in a relationship he has nothing to chase, nothing to long for. People, both sides, need that, because that's where bonding occurs. In the future, I would not recommend texting a new guy you are dating: *telling him to call you (or asking)--call him yourself (even if you know he might not be able to pick up & then let him return your call) *text him to just say hi (most guys don't see the purpose in these sorts of texts); they may roll with it when they are so unsure of their chances with you BUT once they know they have a chance, a lot of guys don't use texting for chit chat. I'd say it's an accurate generalization that women are much more into conversations and a significant more amount verbose. You are probably going to be disappointed if you put too much stock into meaningful text conversation with any guy. *I think it's a good idea to let the guy set the pace for dates in the beginning and asking for them. It lets you see how interested he is. You can take him to the "edge" practically asking him yourself, but let him take that final step to "ask". First of all, it makes most guys feel good and second you will see how invested they are. In other words, I think you were asking him to do stuff before he'd committed himself mentally to the idea. You were doing all the work at the beginning, which usually doesn't end well. Good plan with how you are going to continue with him: day by day, etc. Just make sure you incorporate what you could change or learn from this about yourself. There's usually a reason why patterns keep reoccurring. I think when people say they may have been coming on too strong, they probably most definitely are! Good luck
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