Just sex or a relationship. What's the best way to tackle this question?

[1Jessie86]

What's the best way to ask someone you're dating if they're in it for just sex or if they can actually picture a relationship down the road? Preferably in a way that doesn't come off as defensive or needy? Also is it appropriate to text a question like this?

 

Appreciate the advice, as always.

[Satu]

Don't have sex with someone until you know they're looking for something more than just sex.

[central]

"What's your goal in dating, at this point?"

 

Of course, even if they say "relationship," they may only think you're suitable for short-term sexual fun. You can tell a LOT more by how they act and how they treat you.

[Shining One]

Keep in mind that answers to this question (if answered truthfully) only apply to the specific moment in which they are asked. For example, I may tell a women I'm looking for a relationship on date two and that I see relationship potential in her. However, by date four, I may just be looking for sex and I only view her as a potential FWB. This doesn't mean I lied on date two, it just means that my thoughts have changed.

[Gloria25]

Look, everyone knows what they are looking for. By date 3 and before sex, you should flat out ask them and don't settle for the "let's see where this goes".

 

Sorry, life isn't like in the movies where you're dating someone and one day you wake up and wanna make them your husband/wife. And, of the people who make decisions on the fly like that, you gotta worry if the marriage would even last.

 

So, majority of people are looking for either:

 

(1) Sex (i.e. FB, FWB, ONS)

 

(2) Companionship (which means they aren't gonna get married, but wanna have the perks of a steady person - like sex, someone to hang with)

 

(3) Marriage (which doesn't mean they're gonna marry you or anyone, but of the people they are dating, they are not just spending time with them, but are evaluating them to see if they are long term potential and if they are, they will propose because they took steps to set themselves up ready for that moment (i.e. got savings, steady job/career, their own home/stuff, etc.)

 

And, if by date 3 that person can't answer your question, then I say forget them...cuz, either they're clueless and/or are trying to pretend they may want more with you so they can squeeze all the "perks" (sex, companionship) out of you while they can.

[Gloria25]

Actions speak louder than words. A lot of guys will say pretty much anything to get laid, but that doesn't mean they will stick around for the long haul. A woman should consider how a man treats her more than what he says. Does he take you out on dates or just hang out at his place? Does he introduce you to his friends and family? Does he seem to put real effort into things with you? Does he really seem to listen to what you say, and sincerely care about you as a person? All questions a lady should ask herself before she hooks up with a guy.

 

I don't believe you can just follow "actions". There has to be a frank and honest convo.

 

My last FWB? We went out on "dates". We had dinner, movies, sleepovers. We cooked, he always offered and did fix things for me. He'd always bring flowers. He did meet some of my family and actually helped us move some furniture one time. We were buying gifts for each other....But, at the end of the day he was clear he didn't want more and upon his divorce, he moved on.

[Redhead14]

What's the best way to ask someone you're dating if they're in it for just sex or if they can actually picture a relationship down the road? Preferably in a way that doesn't come off as defensive or needy? Also is it appropriate to text a question like this?

 

Appreciate the advice, as always.

 

You make a statement about what it is you want for yourself for your future and let them tell you what they want for themselves before you become intimate or very shortly thereafter. If they say they are just wanting casual relationship(s) and you are looking for something long-term then you part company.

 

If you've already been intimate with this person, you are within the boundaries of asking for exclusivity at least for a period of observation and evaluation. Either way, you will find out where they "are".

 

And, no do not use texting for any important/personal conversations -- ever. It doesn't treat the subject matter with the respect it is due.

[preraph]

My advice to find the truth is to always offer the person your best self and see where that leads. If it's right, not many would turn away from love.