Breakups and depression. Trying so hard to understand

[Dawns eyes]

My boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me. I'm making a long story short. But he has a terminally ill child who recently had a long stay in hospital. Immediately following her release, he ended the relationship. He told me he was struggling with depression, needed time to get himself together, didn't want me right now because he can’t be happy with me and then look at his daughter struggling to survive. He feels guilty.

 

It was six weeks of us trying to maitain some kind of relationship. Until I finally needed to do NC as the rejection daily as overwhelming.

 

I am on day 13 NC.

 

He has not reached out.

 

I have not struggled with depression and am having a hard time understanding how he could love and want me one minute and reject and not love me the next.

 

I want him back but am afraid he won't come back.

 

Any insight would be very much appreciated. I want to understand

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm so sorry what horrible situation to be in for both of you. That is really unfair what he did to you, having said that he is clearly going through so much losing his child that he might feel "tapped out" in terms of what he has to give right now. Might be that the relationship just adds another layer of "needs" from him that he is not willing to give right now.

 

Also, the pressure of having to be there for you right now might be too much since he can only give so much and he might be feeling a lot of guilt surrounding that notion.

 

Did you have problems leading up to this break-up? I would give him his space and he will reach out to you once he sorts out what he is feeling. He might think he needs to face his child's passing alone but later realize that it's better to have your support.

 

I'm so sorry what a horrible situation to be in.

Edited June 23, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Dawns eyes]

I'm so sorry what horrible situation to be in for both of you. That is really unfair what he did to you, having said that he is clearly going through so much losing his child that he might feel "tapped out" in terms of what he has to give right now. Might be that the relationship just adds another layer of "needs" from him that he is not willing to give right now.

 

Also, the pressure of having to be there for you right now might be too much since he can only give so much and he might be feeling a lot of guilt surrounding that notion.

 

Did you have problems leading up to this break-up? I would give him his space and he will reach out to you once he sorts out what he is feeling. He might think he needs to face his child's passing alone but later realize that it's better to have your support.

 

I'm so sorry what a horrible situation to be in.

 

Thank you for your post. His daughter is still with us. She was in the hospital for a month and released home. She struggles everyday. I agree that he needs space and needs to sort things out. We had a great relationship that's what is so hard a confusing. I was so blinsided. I always supported his commitment to his two children and never asked to be put first. Just to be a part of his life.

 

He did a complete 180 on me. It's just so hard to understand. He says that his current battle with depression makes him feel nothing. Empty. No emotion. He says he beats himself up everyday for hurting everyone around him. Me included and he just can't do it anymore. He wants to feel better for his daughters sake.

 

Sorry for the ramble. I'm so confused and hurine and no contact sucks

[Sunkissedpatio]

That is very perplexing indeed, especially since you had a really good relationship otherwise. It sounds like he is so overcome by grief for losing his daughter that he has nothing left to give to you so rather than ruin a good thing he is choosing to to walk away and "pick it up again" once he is over losing his daughter. Clearly that could take a while.

 

Everyone deals with trauma differently so it's really hard to judge what he is thinking and going through looking at it from the outside.

 

I suppose all you can do is let him know you are there for him in whatever capacity he sees fit and maybe if he feels no pressure from you he will naturally gravitate towards your support.

 

Really hard to speculate. Again, I have no experience with this just talking from how people deal with grief in general. I feel for you and him.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Dawneyes read this woman's initial post, it reminded me of your situation and I believe it is quite common for couples going through a terminal child's grief or losing a child to split them up emotionally.