Why do women keep backing out of dates?

June 22, 2016

I've been doing OLD on and off for 2 years. Lately, I've encountered a strange problem that seems to be getting worse and worse: I keep scheduling dates with girls who back out of it later on. I'd say, if I got 9 numbers, probably 10 of them would back out. Not sure what to make of it. Recently, I chatted with a girl for about a week (she said she was vacationing until a week after I first messaged her and couldn't go on a date until then. I said no problem, and we scheduled the date for a week later. She said she was excited about it. Of course, on the day of the date, she never showed. Generally, it doesn't go that far. I'll get a girl's number, we'll make some more chit chat, I ask for a date, and she'll just suddenly stop talking to me, lol.

I'm very confused. It seems I'm doing well enough to get numbers, but not well enough to actually meet in person. But being just a pen pal isn't my goal. I don't know why this occurs repeatedly. If she isn't interested, fair enough. But why give a guy your number in the first place? Why talk to him for so long and even agree to a date, only to flake?

Is there anything I can do to prevent this from occurring again?

Edited June 22, 2016 by graysonfisher14

June 22, 2016

That is OLD for ya. Flaky people and window shoppers. There's always someone "better" it seems when they click "next".

There is no way to control their dating behaviour. Unfortunately that's just how it is.

June 22, 2016

That is OLD for ya. Flaky people and window shoppers. There's always someone "better" it seems when they click "next".

There is no way to control their dating behaviour. Unfortunately that's just how it is.

Maybe that's why the percent of couples who met online is so low statistically. No one's actually dating, they're just chatting and flaking. It sounds so negative, but I feel like that's what's happening.

Edited June 22, 2016 by graysonfisher14

June 22, 2016

Flaky people are the worst - like what's the point? why waste someone's time if you don't want to meet them.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I'm curious though, what are you suggesting you do on these dates?

Give me an example of some of your suggested date ideas?

June 22, 2016

Something they perceive as better came along...

June 22, 2016

From my experience 90% of people who flake on dates are just not that serious about looking for a relationship it's more of a casual hobby on the side for them. I know for fact all the girls I have been on dates with are pretty serious about finding someone that's why they lock down a day and don't change it.

June 22, 2016

I often scoff at Grass Is Greener Syndrome, but THIS is the true example of it happening. 'Oh, that person looks good.....oh wait! What about this one.....hang on, a new one just messaged, I should try that'.

I guess it comes down to having too much choice.

June 22, 2016

2 years is a long time to date online...you must be worn out...I feel for you hun

How long do you chat with these women until you ask them out?

I say this because you should meet up fairly soon after you get their numbers. Talking and texting for long periods without meeting up can cause things to fizzle out...you cant keep the intrest level up over the phone

When I was OLD I have to admit I've given a fair amount of guys my number....then I lost intrest or something began to turn me off about them so I took off. It was nothing personal...thats just part of OLD

I never ever stood a guy up though

Dont waste another thought on a woman that flakes on you or stands you up. These women just werent right for you. Tbh if a woman actually has the nerve to stand you up...she's an *********...not your loss

What kind of texter are you??? Do you text infrequently? Are your texts short and bland?

I've texted a few guys like this and they lost my intrest quickly...I couldnt get a feel for them so I lost intrest

My bf is one of those short...cool...boring texters. We met online and the first time I gave him my number...I was so overwhelmed with all the messages I was getting...plus he was boring me so I stopped replying. He messaged me again months later and I decided to give him a shot. Glad I did

But generally speaking you do want to hold the woman's intrest until you can meet up

June 23, 2016

I keep scheduling dates with girls who back out of it later on. I'd say, if I got 9 numbers, probably 10 of them would back out.

Two of these women share a phone? Perhaps, don't ask two women who are such close friends that they share a number...

I'm very confused. It seems I'm doing well enough to get numbers, but not well enough to actually meet in person. But being just a pen pal isn't my goal. I don't know why this occurs repeatedly. If she isn't interested, fair enough. But why give a guy your number in the first place? Why talk to him for so long and even agree to a date, only to flake?
Is there anything I can do to prevent this from occurring again?

Getting a number is far from a guarantee of a date. It simply means the person is open to learning more about you to determine IF there's any potential for compatibility there. It's no different than going on a first date, then learning enough to know that you aren't compatible with the person. When that's the case, there's no point continuing. That's the whole purpose of talking to people and dating--finding someone who is compatible and a good fit.

A few questions--

What are you saying on the phone?
What are you doing in the lead up to your dates?
What are you suggesting as date ideas?
How far are you expecting them to travel for the date?

Since it's every encounter, you need to look at the common denominator--you and what you might be doing to throw these women off.

Edited June 23, 2016 by angel.eyes

June 23, 2016

SNAP! I ve been on and of OLD for 10 years now. I ve had people fade to a ghost, people what American`s call "flaking" but I have never been stood up. "Touch wood".

Looking at OLD I believe women back out of dates because they may have had a another offer and they have thought the other person was a better match.

People also find it ti bail as they arent tied to you.

In the old days it wa just local people you knew. On OLD anyone can meed another person anytime they want so you are disposable.

People can change their minds anytime they want these days too easily.

June 23, 2016

Online dating: many travel, but few arrive.

June 23, 2016

From my experience 90% of people who flake on dates are just not that serious about looking for a relationship it's more of a casual hobby on the side for them. I know for fact all the girls I have been on dates with are pretty serious about finding someone that's why they lock down a day and don't change it.

Right, chances are, picture this scenario, picture if you will a single lady getting ready for a night on the town, a girls night out. But before she gets dolled up, she spends an hour online chatting with men on dating sites to get her all revved up for the real life encounters i.e. - a night club.

She turns off the computer, forgets about who whatever those pixels are on the other side.

It's more of an ego boost to them really. Even had a real life woman admit to this.

In the old days it wa just local people you knew. On OLD anyone can meed another person anytime they want so you are disposable

Exactly! Back in the day, women were limited by their geography and made due with who was available.

Now, everyone is spoiled. This can be likened to a little kid have too many choices in toys, get tired of a new toy, and a "better" one comes out.

Like a new toy, dating/people is more commodity driven.

Edited June 23, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

June 23, 2016

Two of these women share a phone? Perhaps, don't ask two women who are such close friends that they share a number...

Getting a number is far from a guarantee of a date. It simply means the person is open to learning more about you to determine IF there's any potential for compatibility there. It's no different than going on a first date, then learning enough to know that you aren't compatible with the person. When that's the case, there's no point continuing. That's the whole purpose of talking to people and dating--finding someone who is compatible and a good fit.

A few questions--

What are you saying on the phone?
What are you doing in the lead up to your dates?
What are you suggesting as date ideas?
How far are you expecting them to travel for the date?

Since it's every encounter, you need to look at the common denominator--you and what you might be doing to throw these women off.

Likely none of the above. I have to go with the majority vote of posters here and go with that these ladies are simply flakes, which is the nature of online dating anyway.

June 23, 2016

Hmm that's a toughie, sorry to hear this is happening to you. Do you actually talk to them on the phone? If you don't, MAYBE an actual physical call will pressure them to commit. That's just me hypothesizing though. Good luck.

June 23, 2016

Ask someone who is close to you how to improve your game or dating strategy.

June 23, 2016

I think it's just the state of online right now.

This yr I can't seem to get anything going online even though i've lost 45lbs & lift.

it's insane.

Actually not true.

When i engage women in messages and grunt at them (3 or 4 word responses to their 2 to 3 word messages) I seem to at least get them to show up on a date.

but as predicted they are the type of women where full length sentences confuse them hence why they agreed to meet with me.

I do way better just going to free concerts when it comes to interest.

Hell, women friends who barely talked to me all of sudden were hitting on me and some have crossed a few boundaries.

Which i'm MORE than fine with.

June 23, 2016

First off - don't worry about others actions, worry about your own. You can not own their actions so don't bother. Own your own.

I use OLD. I take regular breaks from it because it is hard work. Current break is because I am seeing someone. But I was scheduling in another break anyway. What you describe happens to both men and women. A LOT!

The way to get results from OLD is to expect nothing. Also keep your ears and eyes open.

People give off signs when they are going to flake. They are subtle but they are there. There is something in the tone of their voice when you speak to them or the way they text. My advice is to go back and think about that and look for those subtle clues so you know in the future who to worry about and who not to.

I actually ended up getting really good at this. So much so that I could predict with 99% accuracy when I was going to be stood up or flaked on. Got to the point where if I knew someone was going to flake I would just go off and do something else fun instead. Text conversation between the last one that did it and I went along the lines of;

Him (5 minutes before we were due to meet - 20 minutes after he should have left): Sorry I can't come tonight

Me: Thats OK I am actually on my way to dance lessons right now, good luck.

He has tried to contact me several times since but I ignore him as its just not worth it. He had messed me about before and been an ass so it was all there telling me he was unreliable and not all that interested. The attitude I took is that I am looking for a reliable person who is into me and invested in me. So I saw it as a positive filtering system. Around 70-80% of the guys who flaked that I went on to ignore keep coming back to try and get back in my life... even a year on they still keep trying. Sad really.

By the way the dance lessons are going really well and I am joining a flash mob

So learn to read the cues. Then have value in yourself and go and do fun things that you enjoy instead of sitting around feeling miserable.

June 23, 2016

After reading these boards for quite a long time, I've come to the conclusion that more very often isn't better, in fact the opposite. You can talk to a lot of people but if it's about quantity (which OLD is), it's not only that you aren't moving forward, it can actually set you back because it is so frustrating.

As much as I think we are animals, I really don't think we are designed for treating dating as a sport. You don't learn from past mistakes and adjust, you just keep churning.

I think less dating is more beneficial.

June 23, 2016

From my experience 90% of people who flake on dates are just not that serious about looking for a relationship it's more of a casual hobby on the side for them.

This quote is significantly important. Should be able to put this in neon letter and be at the top of every single thread where guys wonder why OLD is so difficult and in most cases a massive scam.

I believe a significant number of women who have profiles online are NOT actually looking for someone. It is nothing more than a live interactive participatory video/computer game.

Many women get addicted to the attention which results in online attention whoring. Women thrive on attention and getting it online is quite enough for some flakey women. Of course, they have no intention of actually meeting you because once they get their attention fix online, they can happily move on to the next guy should their always fragile egos need another pick-me-up. She will still be logging in, maybe even changing her profile and in many cases she’s married or in a serious relationship.

Those of you… younger especially also need to heed this quote:

The way to get results from OLD is to expect nothing.

Think of it like playing slot machines in Vegas. Stop expecting something magical will result.

On OLD anyone can meet another person anytime they want so you are disposable.
People can change their minds anytime they want these days too easily.

As much as I think we are animals, I really don't think we are designed for treating dating as a sport. You don't learn from past mistakes and adjust, you just keep churning.

Absolutely, most people don’t learn or understand that you must evolve with each failure, because of instead of saying or processing (what did I do wrong with that particular situation) you keep the same marginal pic up, you keep the same jacked up profile, you initially email the same lame opening line, your less than smooth phone manners are repeated, your same outdated style of dress is repeated. The people who keep failing NEVER think THEY are the issue. Women are the ones being chased so they can get away with more because no matter how screwed up or vacant a woman’s profile is some dude will always contact her… unless she looks like a wildebeest.

Goes to final quote:

Since it's every encounter, you need to look at the common denominator--you and what you might be doing to throw these women off.

Yup...

June 23, 2016

Absolutely, most people don’t learn or understand that you must evolve with each failure, because of instead of saying or processing (what did I do wrong with that particular situation) you keep the same marginal pic up, you keep the same jacked up profile, you initially email the same lame opening line, your less than smooth phone manners are repeated, your same outdated style of dress is repeated. The people who keep failing NEVER think THEY are the issue.

It's much easier to blame others than it is to look inward, ask tough questions of yourself, and do the hard work of self-improvement. Unfortunately, then nothing changes. It's the same outcome over and over again.

Many (most?) people I know met their significant other or spouse online. Clearly it works for many, just like any other tool to find dating partners--school, hobbies, friends, family, work, etc. None of these tools will work universally for everyone. Yet, those who struggle the most with other ways of meeting people, expect OLD to be a magic bullet that gets them dates.

For the OP:

You're getting numbers but losing women before the actual date. Either they aren't recognizing that you're incompatible before they share their number because your profile isn't a good representation of you or something about your interactions is turning them off.

June 23, 2016

This quote is significantly important. Should be able to put this in neon letter and be at the top of every single thread where guys wonder why OLD is so difficult and in most cases a massive scam.
I believe a significant number of women who have profiles online are NOT actually looking for someone. It is nothing more than a live interactive participatory video/computer game.

Many women get addicted to the attention which results in online attention whoring. Women thrive on attention and getting it online is quite enough for some flakey women. Of course, they have no intention of actually meeting you because once they get their attention fix online, they can happily move on to the next guy should their always fragile egos need another pick-me-up. She will still be logging in, maybe even changing her profile and in many cases she’s married or in a serious relationship.

Those of you… younger especially also need to heed this quote:

Think of it like playing slot machines in Vegas. Stop expecting something magical will result.

Absolutely, most people don’t learn or understand that you must evolve with each failure, because of instead of saying or processing (what did I do wrong with that particular situation) you keep the same marginal pic up, you keep the same jacked up profile, you initially email the same lame opening line, your less than smooth phone manners are repeated, your same outdated style of dress is repeated. The people who keep failing NEVER think THEY are the issue. Women are the ones being chased so they can get away with more because no matter how screwed up or vacant a woman’s profile is some dude will always contact her… unless she looks like a wildebeest.

Goes to final quote:

Yup...

Larry I actually think all of that is a bit harsh.

If I were to get upset about blokes not fancying me then I too could say that they are wasting my time. I don't think so. I just think that some people don't fancy me in that way.

Think about the people you meet in real life - how many of those do you enjoy chatting to but don't want to leap in between the sheets with. Same applies.

I believe that actually most people on OLD ARE looking for that special someone. Problem is that we are all so individual that actually finding that special someone is actually really difficult regardless of whether you look using OLD or going to bars etc... Its pot luck!

Some get lucky - others don't.

I do however agree we need to learn. Learn about a good profile and how to project ourselves on line to get maximum impact but also how to read the signs when someone just isn't our cup of tea and how to take the knocks with out becoming upset and drained by it all.

June 23, 2016

those who struggle the most with other ways of meeting people, expect OLD to be a magic bullet that gets them dates.

Yes, definitely…

I believe that actually most people on OLD ARE looking for that special someone. Problem is that we are all so individual that actually finding that special someone is actually really difficult regardless of whether you look using OLD or going to bars etc... Its pot luck!

Some get lucky - others don't.

Too: just want to clarify I’m not necessarily knocking OLD, I won’t say that OLD has been a “complete failure” although still have not found the “right” person.

I have only been “completely disappointed” with three (3) individuals with whom I have actually met and conversed with to some extent ever via OLD, met wife # 2 via it in 1998!

Most of the reasons why things did not work out with someone was more related to “time” and lifestyles not matching, and these were women who I really liked and wanted to actually pursue a relationship with.

The type of career, outside influences, distance and must mention one caveat, most of the women with whom I liked the most had NEVER been in any sort of long term relationship, most had never been married and if they were married VERY young and expressed that they would never make the mistake of “marriage” again.

Satu had a quote somewhere: “you are not with someone because you really don’t want to be” that precisely describes these women.

The personality traits they exhibited, strong, smart, successful, outspoken, very active, driven, full rich lives, took care of themselves, financially independent… traits I'm attracted to, bottom line did not really know HOW to be in a relationship.

Many of them really liked me, we communicated well, I was attracted to them but most could simply not engage. I’m the type of dude who needs that constant engagement. I don’t need to be chained to my significant other but if I don’t get both mental, social and physical stimulation I quickly check out, so yes some is my fault as well but I give my full attention when I and “going for it.”

Yes, we have to get lucky as you said.

One last tidbit, in the last few weeks for some reason I have been contacted by several women with whom I met but things simply did not work out before.

Was contacted by a woman who I met on a site over 4 years ago. Said she was changing jobs and moving did not think she could dedicated herself to a relationship, apologized.

We met again (I really liked her, cool lady) we met, hit it off (or I thought so) again, sent me a text repeating basically what she said before, only this time needing to help her “grown) kids who are having issues and to spend time with her new grandbaby. WTF!?

Too: precisely why I said what I did. I promise not bitter, but maybe the experiences just wear a dude out.

I mentioned this recently, I am still in communication with 4 women (things did not work out) I’m not pursuing them in any way. They call or text to “see how I’m doing” 3 of the 4 ask me if I want to go with them to some event, I say cool, I enjoy their company.

The other, will call once a week, but text me every single day. We dated over a year ago, decided we were not a fit back in November.

Just throwing that out there, if anyone can help me decipher please feel free.

June 23, 2016

Two of these women share a phone? Perhaps, don't ask two women who are such close friends that they share a number...

Getting a number is far from a guarantee of a date. It simply means the person is open to learning more about you to determine IF there's any potential for compatibility there. It's no different than going on a first date, then learning enough to know that you aren't compatible with the person.

When that's the case, there's no point continuing. That's the whole purpose of talking to people and dating--finding someone who is compatible and a good fit.

I might disagree with that part. I think it's a lot different. We aren't talking about girls meeting me in person and deciding I'm not right for them or there's no chemistry. That's something completely different. We're talking about girls giving me their number, agreeing to a date (which implies the conversation is going well) and then flaking before we even meet, generally at the last minute. I think my texting game is pretty good. Why would a girl talk to me for an entire week if it wasn't? The last girl actually complimented me for how I approached our texting interaction, saying generally guys come at her with stuff like "What's up, baby!" etc. At the same time, I don't care how good your texting game is, or how good your photos are, it's no substitute for actually meeting in person. Texting isn't the goal. Meeting is the end goal. These girls are going up to that point, but backing out. I personally never break a date once I've committed to it. At the end of the day, I know it's just texting, and that I'll really get to know the girl once I meet her.

June 23, 2016

Flaky people are the worst - like what's the point? why waste someone's time if you don't want to meet them.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I'm curious though, what are you suggesting you do on these dates?
Give me an example of some of your suggested date ideas?

Usually I suggest just meeting for a drink, something low pressure to see how we interact. Other ideas were bowling, or laser tag, or a stroll at the museum. Hard to see a correlation between my date ideas and the no shows, because a lot of times I'll actually ask the girl what she prefers to do. I'll say something like, "How about we meet for drinks at the bar? If you prefer something else, I'm open to suggestions."

June 23, 2016

Yes, definitely…

Too: just want to clarify I’m not necessarily knocking OLD, I won’t say that OLD has been a “complete failure” although still have not found the “right” person.

I have only been “completely disappointed” with three (3) individuals with whom I have actually met and conversed with to some extent ever via OLD, met wife # 2 via it in 1998!

Most of the reasons why things did not work out with someone was more related to “time” and lifestyles not matching, and these were women who I really liked and wanted to actually pursue a relationship with.

The type of career, outside influences, distance and must mention one caveat, most of the women with whom I liked the most had NEVER been in any sort of long term relationship, most had never been married and if they were married VERY young and expressed that they would never make the mistake of “marriage” again.

Satu had a quote somewhere: “you are not with someone because you really don’t want to be” that precisely describes these women.

The personality traits they exhibited, strong, smart, successful, outspoken, very active, driven, full rich lives, took care of themselves, financially independent… traits I'm attracted to, bottom line did not really know HOW to be in a relationship.

Many of them really liked me, we communicated well, I was attracted to them but most could simply not engage. I’m the type of dude who needs that constant engagement. I don’t need to be chained to my significant other but if I don’t get both mental, social and physical stimulation I quickly check out, so yes some is my fault as well but I give my full attention when I and “going for it.”

Yes, we have to get lucky as you said.

One last tidbit, in the last few weeks for some reason I have been contacted by several women with whom I met but things simply did not work out before.
Was contacted by a woman who I met on a site over 4 years ago. Said she was changing jobs and moving did not think she could dedicated herself to a relationship, apologized.
We met again (I really liked her, cool lady) we met, hit it off (or I thought so) again, sent me a text repeating basically what she said before, only this time needing to help her “grown) kids who are having issues and to spend time with her new grandbaby. WTF!?

Too: precisely why I said what I did. I promise not bitter, but maybe the experiences just wear a dude out.

I mentioned this recently, I am still in communication with 4 women (things did not work out) I’m not pursuing them in any way. They call or text to “see how I’m doing” 3 of the 4 ask me if I want to go with them to some event, I say cool, I enjoy their company.

The other, will call once a week, but text me every single day. We dated over a year ago, decided we were not a fit back in November.

Just throwing that out there, if anyone can help me decipher please feel free.

Those 4 sounds like they only reach out to you...when it's convenient to THEM. Quite selfish. "Spend time with the grandbaby."? I mean...really? lol Funny

"Okay, I'm bored with the grandbaby now, let me call this guy because I'm completely bored out of my mind. Maybe give him some cold fish lovin'" lol

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Why do women keep backing out of dates?

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