I'm I incapable of being loved?

[JustGettingBy]

IMO there's some personal bias in that advice. You have no use for any entertainment that doesn't teach you anything. Not all entertainment does that. Some of it is...dare I say, fun.

 

 

 

I think the difference between the gamers advice and the non-gamers advice is that the gamers are telling OP that he doesn't have to burn all of his Dragonball Z DVDs. Just go out and do other things. All of his activities add up into a greater whole, becoming a multi-faceted person. We're telling him to get more hobbies and activities, not do away with the only known likes that he has.

 

It's like telling someone who stays in the house and watches too much television that he shouldn't ever watch any television again. The gamers aren't saying that. They are telling the guy that he can still watch television, just go out and have other things to do than binge watch TV all day.

 

Pretty much this. None of the OP's activities are bad IN MODERATION. An hour or two a day of anime or video games to 'scratch the itch' is harmless. Yes, the OP needs to learn how to have at least a platonic relationship with women, make a few non-toxic friends, and get some career stuff going. However, once he's gotten himself a complex life, his current interests can be a part of that.

[preraph]

IMO there's some personal bias in that advice. You have no use for any entertainment that doesn't teach you anything. Not all entertainment does that. Some of it is...dare I say, fun.

 

 

 

I think the difference between the gamers advice and the non-gamers advice is that the gamers are telling OP that he doesn't have to burn all of his Dragonball Z DVDs. Just go out and do other things. All of his activities add up into a greater whole, becoming a multi-faceted person. We're telling him to get more hobbies and activities, not do away with the only known likes that he has.

 

It's like telling someone who stays in the house and watches too much television that he shouldn't ever watch any television again. The gamers aren't saying that. They are telling the guy that he can still watch television, just go out and have other things to do than binge watch TV all day.

 

I agree with that to a point, but he needs to break the addiction, because that's what it is right now. I think as long as he even has access, he's not going to be able to do other things. He's said as much. He needs help. He panics at the thought. If someone told me no TV for a week, it would suck because I like to relax that way a couple hours before bed, but I'd pick up a book.

[Revolver]

Is there any evidence video game "addiction" is real

[Snow_Queen]

Being a geek is a lifestyle in a way so I get why the OP doesn't want to give it up. Now, I don't recall him stating how many hours he spends doing his hobbies but if it's not consuming all his time that is fine.

 

As a fellow geek, the best advice I can give you is to seek out your own kind. Yes, you will have to go out and find local clubs or online communities but we're out there. I met some amazing friends this way and finally, one amazing man. You'll probably find a nice woman this way.

 

No matter what, please be comfortable with who you are. In a matter of time this will morph into confidence. Remember, you're not the only gamer/anime fan in the world. There are so many more out there.

[preraph]

Is there any evidence video game "addiction" is real

 

I would say what happened to my sister is evidence enough for me. It happens to people who are already unhappy with themselves and their lives and people who are genetically addictive and presdisposed to addiction.

[Inflikted]

Not to sound harsh, but yes, it is possible to be incapable of being loved (or even seen as "attractive" to another person). I, myself, have similarly "geeky" hobbies, and have never even come close to a date with a girl, and I'm nearing 28.

 

I, personally, have accepted that it's never going to happen for me. Physically, I'm not very attractive. I'm freakishly short, I have the face (and voice) of a 12 year old boy. I'm not particularly smart or intelligent in any way. I work a bottom-of-the-barrel dead end job for very little money. I'm not the least bit interesting, exciting, or funny. I'm incredibly awkward because I'm completely inept to everything involved in socializing with another human being (and not for a lack of practice, or opportunity, either).

 

As lonely and frustrated as I am, I understand why I'm not good enough for someone to want in their life, whether it be as a friend or as something more. I'm simply not good enough for another person.

 

And some people will inevitably try to challenge or discourage that mindset, and that's fine. I'm not personally suggesting that anyone "give up" or anything like that.

 

But at the same time, people have to be realistic and be honest with themselves and with their place in the world. I've come to that conclusion. I fully realize that I'm simply not good enough for another person. It pains me to admit that, it hurts, and some days it eats away at me. But as frustrating and sad as it is to admit, it's something that just "is". It's like trying to stop the sky from being blue or the grass from being green. I am what I am.

 

And you are what you are. Now, whether or not you come to the same conclusion of yourself as I have about myself, that's all up to you. But for as much as people say that you have to "work on yourself" and better yourself, you can't ever really stop being you. You might be able to change little things and better your life in certain ways, but you'll still be you, and if that core of yourself is the thing that is incapable of connecting with another human being, than what good does it do to try to "work on yourself"?

[normal person]

But at the same time, people have to be realistic and be honest with themselves and with their place in the world. I've come to that conclusion. I fully realize that I'm simply not good enough for another person. It pains me to admit that, it hurts, and some days it eats away at me. But as frustrating and sad as it is to admit, it's something that just "is". It's like trying to stop the sky from being blue or the grass from being green. I am what I am.

 

A very interesting and insightful post. Some things in life are outside our locus of control, and some aren't. If people want the best shot at things, they need to focus on the things they can control. There's no sense getting hung up on things that are out of your hands. But I personally think issues of willpower and fear are very much controllable, and having dominion over those things will take people further than they can imagine.

[juniorrocha]

I, personally, have accepted that it's never going to happen for me. Physically, I'm not very attractive. I'm freakishly short, I have the face (and voice) of a 12 year old boy. I'm not particularly smart or intelligent in any way. I work a bottom-of-the-barrel dead end job for very little money. I'm not the least bit interesting, exciting, or funny. I'm incredibly awkward because I'm completely inept to everything involved in socializing with another human being (and not for a lack of practice, or opportunity, either).

 

This is the first step to making something not happen. You may not be the most attractive guy in the world, but there's always someone out there for you. Now you choose whether you sit home accepting to be alone or you go outside and let life show you its pleasures.

I always like to share my stories under the same subject so maybe it can motivate someone. So I will do so. Sorry for the wall of text.

 

At age 11, I started to get bullied a lot in school. From that age until 21, I had no friends at all, I didn't date anyone, and I thought I'd always be that way. I can remember very well the days I was left home alone, that I would sit in the corner and spend the entire afternoon crying, wondering why is everyone dating, why is everyone working on their careers, partying, studying, hanging out, and I'm sitting home alone thinking I'm inadequate. Online games became my best friend during that period of my life. I would spend literally the entire day playing something. Sometimes I would wake up 5am to start playing and only go to sleep at 2-3am. I never stepped outside home; only to go to school.

 

At age 19, I had a major breakdown. I was considering suicide as I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like everything was wrong with me. I never went ahead and tried to kill myself, but I had that constant thought in my mind. My mom had suggested before a psychologist for me, but I didn't want to. Then at age 19, I gave in. It was the best thing I did in my entire life.

 

It took some time. About a year and a half of therapy to FINALLY start getting out of my cage. I remember very well that a week before turning 21, I decided I should go to the gym. I was scared, I was afraid people would laugh at me, but I pretended not to care and went for it. This was the second best thing I've ever done in my life. When I started to work out, I also started to feel better about myself. I could finally look in the mirror. Within weeks, I could see a difference. I started to pay attention at things I hadn't before and consequentily improve myself. Going to the gym at first was a way of getting hotter, but then I realized it helped me beyond that: now I could see who I am, pay attention to myself AND feel good about it.

 

Now that I felt good about myself and I found other things in life which I could enjoy, I was ready to make friends, or date. At age 21 I met the first girl, who was my first kiss and sex too; it was online. We didn't get into a serious relationship; she wanted to, but I didn't. I had spent my entire life locked in a cage. I needed to feel free, to date other women, to go outside and explore. That's when I met the second girl, in a party. We didn't click, but we had lots in common and I ended up being her friend; in time, I became friend of her friends too. That was back in 2012. Still to the day, they're my best friends. Now that I managed to make friends, I would hang outside more often too and consequentily meet even more people. On another note, I lost motivation to play games and it's been a long time since I did. Not that it's bad, but it's a waste of time. And life shouldn't be all about wasting time.

 

I just recently broke up with my ex, of 2 years, who made me learn a lot about relationships. Before her, I had met many, many girls. Now I'm going through a heartbreak process, but after being through so much in my life, I consider this nothing. It's hard, but after all I've been through, I'm confident there's nothing in this world I can't overcome.

 

Bottom line: it's a chain. And only you can start that chain. For me it went like: forever alone > psychologist > gym > improving myself > making friends. It took years, but now I see myself as a confident guy, who's attractive, who never treats anyone bad (because I know how it feels to be on the other side), and the most important part: I learned how to love myself. And there's absolutely nothing in this world that can take that away from me.

 

I know it was long, but I hope it's relevant. All I wanted is to make you guys realize that things can get better, that you can be loved, but you have to help yourself and you should start now. You're flesh and bone and you deserve to be loved.

[normal person]

The post above is fantastic. I love reading actual success stories on here rather than people wanting to change but not willing to do anything about it. Congrats on turning your life around.

 

On another note, I lost motivation to play games and it's been a long time since I did. Not that it's bad, but it's a waste of time. And life shouldn't be all about wasting time.

 

I wish more people would adopt this attitude. Video games are just escapist distractions. There's a whole, giant, real world out there for people to explore and experience. I cringe when I think about the time other people are wasting.

 

Bottom line: it's a chain. And only you can start that chain. For me it went like: forever alone > psychologist > gym > improving myself > making friends. It took years, but now I see myself as a confident guy, who's attractive, who never treats anyone bad (because I know how it feels to be on the other side), and the most important part: I learned how to love myself. And there's absolutely nothing in this world that can take that away from me.

 

I know it was long, but I hope it's relevant. All I wanted is to make you guys realize that things can get better, that you can be loved, but you have to help yourself and you should start now. You're flesh and bone and you deserve to be loved.

 

Love this. Best post of the thread, in my opinion.

[Inflikted]

This is the first step to making something not happen. You may not be the most attractive guy in the world, but there's always someone out there for you. Now you choose whether you sit home accepting to be alone or you go outside and let life show you its pleasures.

 

Sorry, but that's not necessarily true. Take me, for example. I've not exactly been hiding away from the world my whole life. I've been around people, I've met and interacted with people, for my entire life. It's not like I've been living in a hole doing absolutely nothing and being 100% isolated from the world.

 

It's completely possible for someone to be so completely and utterly worthless and unappealing at their very core, that nothing else matters.

 

Good for you that you turned your life around. Unfortunately, though, it's not a science. Just because something works for one person or even a group of people, doesn't mean it's going to work for everyone.

 

Me, personally, I've come to see that it literally doesn't matter what I do or don't do. No matter what I do or don't do, noting changes and my life remains exactly the same. Literally every choice I make is 100% meaningless because nothing changes for me either way. And the reason for that is simply because at my very core, I'm a worthless waste of life that doesn't belong. That's not a thing I can "work on" or change. That's simply who I am.

 

Now, of course, the OP may very well be a better and more worthwhile and likable person than I am, and he probably can get results. Apparently, I'm a bit of an anomaly, hence why I'm not actually "suggesting" anything, and instead, am just providing a perspective.

[juniorrocha]

Sorry, but that's not necessarily true. Take me, for example. I've not exactly been hiding away from the world my whole life. I've been around people, I've met and interacted with people, for my entire life. It's not like I've been living in a hole doing absolutely nothing and being 100% isolated from the world.

 

I still had interaction with people. But not enough. I interacted with people when I applied for jobs. I interacted with people when in school/college.

 

I'm not telling you interacting with people is the only way to go. I'm telling you that you can be more than what you think you are. You shoudn't think that you're worthless or that no one will ever want you. Because that's not true. I felt like that for a long time, but I found out I'm a lot more than I thought I was. And to discover that, I had to improve, I had to try new things, I had to take risks, I had to put my face out there.

 

Have you ever done therapy? Do you exercise (any type of exercise)?

 

I'm sorry, but I can't take that as an excuse to give up on your life and to accept you're unloveable. I'll send you a PM because I'd like to help you somehow. If you're not interested, I'll back out, but please don't think about yourself that way.

[Jabron1]

I have alot of pent-up anger (mostly at myself) when it comes towards finding someone who will love me unconditionally.

 

I'm going to have to burst your bubble with some reality. Women love men based on performance. It's the same sort of performance that you will be judged on at work, at school, and in sports (competitive video gaming too ).

 

That is your reality for being born a man, and you'll have to get to grips with it ASAP if you want to get anywhere in life and 'love'.

 

But at the same time, people have to be realistic and be honest with themselves and with their place in the world. I've come to that conclusion. I fully realize that I'm simply not good enough for another person.

 

And this is why you fail. You accept failure. That defeatist attitude is the biggest turn off to women. They are repulsed by it on a biological level.

 

Physically, I'm not very attractive. I'm freakishly short, I have the face (and voice) of a 12 year old boy. I'm not particularly smart or intelligent in any way. I work a bottom-of-the-barrel dead end job for very little money. I'm not the least bit interesting, exciting, or funny.

 

The three things that I've noticed in my life that will give a man the most power with women are confidence, charisma, and sexual aggressiveness. All can be worked on.

 

As for looks, just exercise more. It really isn't that hard.

 

The truth is that lots of guys are just quitters, and lack the fire in the balls to go after what they want.

[MGX]

Online games became my best friend during that period of my life. I would spend literally the entire day playing something. Sometimes I would wake up 5am to start playing and only go to sleep at 2-3am. I never stepped outside home; only to go to school.

 

Now that was bad. When video games became your only friend and that's ALL you did.

 

On another note, I lost motivation to play games and it's been a long time since I did. Not that it's bad, but it's a waste of time. And life shouldn't be all about wasting time.

 

Big difference from playing a game of Street Fighter inbetween classes to spending all day in Azeroth.

[Jabron1]

Big difference from playing a game of Street Fighter inbetween classes to spending all day in Azeroth.

 

Exactly. I love a game of Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat. Gaming is a masculine hobby.

 

But I don't use video games as a buffer against getting rejected by women like a lot of guys do. Trying to escape the reality of life.

[MGX]

The three things that I've noticed in my life that will give a man the most power with women are confidence, charisma, and sexual aggressiveness. All can be worked on.

 

As for looks, just exercise more. It really isn't that hard.

 

The truth is that lots of guys are just quitters, and lack the fire in the balls to go after what they want.

 

There are reasons why the guys act the way that they do.

 

I don't think that people are quitters, rather that there's no immediate motivation/gratification. In this age, people want immediate gratification. For example, if one goes to the gym, they want to see quick results or there is some incentive for them to go. If there aren't any quick results or if there is no tangible incentive, the impulse to work out quickly fades and people revert back to their old, comfortable habits.

 

Then you have the rejection factor: all loses and no wins. With such a person, they have the mentality that they don't think they CAN win, because they always lose. They have to be shown that it is possible for them to succeed. That won't be easy because they are battling through the baggage of years of disappointment, depression, sadness, anger and bitterness.

 

These attitudes can be beaten.

[Inflikted]

I still had interaction with people. But not enough. I interacted with people when I applied for jobs. I interacted with people when in school/college.

 

I'm not telling you interacting with people is the only way to go. I'm telling you that you can be more than what you think you are. You shoudn't think that you're worthless or that no one will ever want you. Because that's not true. I felt like that for a long time, but I found out I'm a lot more than I thought I was. And to discover that, I had to improve, I had to try new things, I had to take risks, I had to put my face out there.

 

Have you ever done therapy? Do you exercise (any type of exercise)?

 

Well, again, what works for one person, or even a group of people, isn't going to "work" for someone else. "Working out" and "going to therapy" may be things that work for some people, but they won't work for everyone.

 

Have I tried therapy? Yes. Long ago, I gave it a shot, but I didn't feel it was working for me. As open-minded as I tried to be about the process of it, I just couldn't give any credence to what the therapist said/ suggested, and it all just felt like a big waste of time and money, to me.

 

As far as working out, eh. I've really never had any interest whatsoever in it. I'm not "overweight", nor am I disgustingly "out of shape", or anything like that. There were a couple of times in my life where I did try to get on a slight "health/ exercise" kick, but in both instances, the reason was because I was trying to "impress"/ win the affections of a girl, and it wasn't enough (due, again, to my general lack of anything to truly offer), and once that became apparent to me in both cases, I had no drive to continue with said "health/ exercise" kick.

 

The point is, again, there's no "science" to any of this. You might be able to dig yourself out of your own hole with things like therapy and working out, but someone else, like me, won't necessarily see the same results. Different things "work" and "don't work" for different people. For me, from what I've ascertained thus far, nothing "works".

 

And this is why you fail. You accept failure. That defeatist attitude is the biggest turn off to women. They are repulsed by it on a biological level.

 

Well, unfortunately, not everyone has the integrity to be able to "fail" 100% of the time and still remain optimistic. Sure, some people can somehow maintain their optimism and positive attitudes through the worst of times, and that's very commendable, but I'm not one of those people. For me, everything I've done, everything I've tried, every endeavor I've made, every decision I've made, it all brings me right back to the same spot. I never see any positive results or progress, period. For whatever reason, that's just how my life operates.

 

The three things that I've noticed in my life that will give a man the most power with women are confidence, charisma, and sexual aggressiveness. All can be worked on.

 

They can be worked on to an extent, yes, but again, these are all things that you either are or you aren't. Most people have those qualities in varying degrees, and yes, they can be fine tuned, so to speak, but you can't necessarily force yourself to be someone that you're not. I, myself, don't have even an ounce of those three things in me. I wish I did. But at my core, I'm an awkward, inept, and highly introverted person. Nothing is going to truly change that. If I worked out and "got ripped", I'd still be those things. If I tried out a new hobby or activity, I'd still be those things.

 

As for looks, just exercise more. It really isn't that hard.

 

Exercising and working out isn't going to make me taller, nor is it going to change my naturally boyish face. If I were overweight or disgustingly out of shape, yes, obviously exercising would help to make me more physically attractive, but my worst physical qualities are things that can't be changed.

 

The truth is that lots of guys are just quitters, and lack the fire in the balls to go after what they want.

 

While that may not necessarily be incorrect, I think that's a bit of a generalization. Again, there's no "science" to life. If you've had success and progress and good things in your life, I don't know that you can truly understand the plight of someone who's literally not been able to progress or have any kind of results in their life despite their efforts and endeavors.

 

Everybody's path is different. For one person going through hard times, it might be as simple as going to therapy and exercising, and then over time, they see results and make progress and end up having a more satisfying life. But that's not guaranteed to work for the next person. Again, it's not a "science".

 

I, myself, simply don't see a reason to "have the fire" anymore. Imagine playing a game that's rigged with the sole purpose of conning and swindling the player into an unwinnable game. I feel like that's the "game" I've been the player in for my entire life. Am I a "quitter"? Maybe. But I'm just tired of playing that "game" already. It's exhausting, and it's gotten me nowhere, and I just don't see a point to it.

[normal person]

I'm going to have to burst your bubble with some reality. Women love men based on performance.

 

Agree with you here.

 

Exactly. I love a game of Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat. Gaming is a masculine hobby.

 

For a child. I'd assess a lot more masculinity to a guy who actually did Tae Kwon Do to someone sitting on his couch controlling a guy doing Tae Kwon Do on a screen. Lots of things could be considered "masculine hobbies." Driving incredibly fast, jumping off of high things for fun, basically anything else that endangers your own life or others, or wastes your own time at the expense of something better. Simply calling it a masculine hobby does not make it a good idea, or conducive to attracting a woman, which is what OP wants. When a woman is sizing you up in whatever fashion, anytime she hears the word "video games" or "anime" it will not help your case. Time spent on that stuff is time you could've spent doing something that actually might earn you some respect.

 

Girl: Tell me about yourself.

Guy 1: I'm a black belt in karate

Guy 2: I control a black belt in karate on a tv screen while I sit on the couch and eat Cheetos.

 

Who do think a woman is going to be more attracted to?

 

But at my core, I'm an awkward, inept, and highly introverted person. Nothing is going to truly change that. If I worked out and "got ripped", I'd still be those things. If I tried out a new hobby or activity, I'd still be those things.

 

Hobbies, interests, etc, while very important, are often secondary to your career and earning potential. You seem like a pretty insightful, intelligent, articulate person. If you got on the right career path and started making some serious money, a lot of women would be able to overlook the other stuff.

 

The moment I started becoming really successful was when my whole attitude (and subsequently, life) changed and suddenly I felt like a new person. Before I might have felt unsure about a lot of things but once everything came to fruition, I couldn't be more confident because I had the performance results to qualify me. I felt like a man who had earned and achieved something great rather than a boy who was wandering around secretly unsure of himself, without a whole lot to hang his hat on. My hobbies and interests haven't changed since then, I just now consider them distractions and pay much, much less attention to them and prioritize the things that I've found are most efficient in bringing me the things and feelings I want: business and interpersonal relationships.

 

I know a guy who's kind of like the OP: reclusive (though in his 30s), still lives with his dad, has an inconsequential part time job, and has spent most of his adult life holed up in a bedroom watching TV or playing video games or doing God knows what. While people tolerate him, no one respects him because he's never achieved anything in his entire life, hasn't even tried, and has totally accepted that. If he actually put his mind to something and made a contribution to society or the labor force somehow, or took on a responsibility and handled it adequately, maybe his opinions or appeal might be taken more seriously. But for now, it's just noise -- he has no life experience and he can't connect with people because all he can do is talk about superficial things like TV and movies. Everything about him that could be used to make interpersonal connections is nonexistent or depressing. If the guy just saddled up and went back to school, embarked on a new career path, even if he didn't particularly love it, he might have something to be proud of that people could respect him for. That could create some appeal for him that a woman might be attracted to.

 

If you want something, you can learn more. You can study harder. You can exercise more will power. Not everyone's circumstances are the same, but you can do whatever's within your control.

[Jabron1]

For a child. I'd assess a lot more masculinity to a guy who actually did Tae Kwon Do to someone sitting on his couch controlling a guy doing Tae Kwon Do on a screen.

 

I'm a black belt in Judo, and a blue belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I don't need your's, or anyone's approval to play some Playstation to chill out.

 

Simply calling it a masculine hobby does not make it a good idea, or conducive to attracting a woman, which is what OP wants.

 

He doesn't want to become a complete tool now, does he?

 

Not every hobby needs to be approved by women. Quite the opposite - it's good and healthy to have some things that are your own.

 

When a woman is sizing you up in whatever fashion, anytime she hears the word "video games" or "anime" it will not help your case.

 

It's completely fine, as long as you own it unapologetically.

 

Time spent on that stuff is time you could've spent doing something that actually might earn you some respect.

 

Girl: Tell me about yourself.

Guy 1: I'm a black belt in karate

Guy 2: I control a black belt in karate on a tv screen while I sit on the couch and eat Cheetos.

 

Who do think a woman is going to be more attracted to?

 

I am a black belt. And I can play classical guitar, and do a number of other things.

 

You are going from one extreme to the other. Something only has value for you, if women think so. This makes you needy. That is weak.

 

You aren't being your own man.

 

Hobbies, interests, etc, while very important, are often secondary to your career and earning potential. You seem like a pretty insightful, intelligent, articulate person. If you got on the right career path and started making some serious money, a lot of women would be able to overlook the other stuff.

 

Money makes you a good provider - not a good lover. I have been with women that have good providers. I know what I'm talking about.

 

Once again, you are arguing for being a good tool.

 

If you want something, you can learn more. You can study harder. You can exercise more will power. Not everyone's circumstances are the same, but you can do whatever's within your control.

 

I agree.

Edited June 28, 2016 by Jabron1

[Inflikted]

You seem like a pretty insightful, intelligent, articulate person. If you got on the right career path and started making some serious money, a lot of women would be able to overlook the other stuff.

 

Perhaps, but I have no clue what the "right" career path for myself is. I realize that most people won't "love their jobs", and I have no allusions about ending up with a "dream job". However, I feel like there has to be some affinity or desire there for it, because ideally, you at least want to end up with a career that you feel confident in your own abilities in.

 

I had a "passion" that I pursued my education in and hoped to have a career in, but two years removed from finishing school, I've not had even the slightest brush with getting into the industry. As far as I can see, that "dream" of mine is dead.

 

I'm not opposed to the idea of returning to school. However, I'd prefer to have a plan in mind before doing so. Prior to finding my "passion", I spent five years switching majors, being indecisive, and aimlessly taking classes, and I hated it. I'd try things for a semester or two, realize they weren't the right fit for me or lose interest, and that was that.

 

Truth be told, I have no other affinities or inclinations or anything like that. There's no career I can visualize myself doing long term, and doing well at, there's no career I can confidently say that I would be able to do.

 

So, yes, I could return to school, but I've no idea what to do. I don't want to spend another 5+ years aimlessly bouncing around, wasting a bunch of time and money.

[MGX]

For a child. I'd assess a lot more masculinity to a guy who actually did Tae Kwon Do to someone sitting on his couch controlling a guy doing Tae Kwon Do on a screen. Lots of things could be considered "masculine hobbies." Driving incredibly fast, jumping off of high things for fun, basically anything else that endangers your own life or others, or wastes your own time at the expense of something better. Simply calling it a masculine hobby does not make it a good idea, or conducive to attracting a woman, which is what OP wants. When a woman is sizing you up in whatever fashion, anytime she hears the word "video games" or "anime" it will not help your case. Time spent on that stuff is time you could've spent doing something that actually might earn you some respect.

 

Girl: Tell me about yourself.

Guy 1: I'm a black belt in karate

Guy 2: I control a black belt in karate on a tv screen while I sit on the couch and eat Cheetos.

 

Who do think a woman is going to be more attracted to?

 

That could be said for sitting on the couch and watching television too. After all, what women watch Game of Thrones?

 

Actually, a girl might have more in common with the gamer than the karate champ. Especially if they play cell phone games. I see more adult women playing those games than men at my workplace on break.

 

My ex and I bonded over the nostalgia of playing Mario Kart when we were younger. Another woman I was seeing had fun with me over Wii Sports. Those were some of the activities that we did together, not ALL of the activities.

 

I establish some common ground which makes for some fun and engaging conversation. We'll have stuff to talk about and have some insights from shared experiences to form connections.

 

And this doesn't have to be just video games. It could be music, a television show, your cologne, your car, etc.

[normal person]

I'm a black belt in Judo, and a blue belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I don't need your's, or anyone's approval to play some Playstation to chill out.

 

I never said you did. And I'm not the one OP is trying to garner some respect from -- but my opinions may coincide with people who do. You're taking this personally -- I'm not talking about you. I've said several times in this thread if someone's successful and has respectable qualities, whatever method of escapism they use (be it video games or otherwise) probably won't be too frowned upon. But OP is not in the same boat as you. He's not using them to "chill out" after he does something admirable, they're seemingly all he does.

 

He doesn't want to become a complete tool now, does he?

 

Not every hobby needs to be approved by women. Quite the opposite - it's good and healthy to have some things that are your own.

 

I'm not suggesting he live solely for a woman's approval (but keep in mind the reason he started this thread is because he was wondering if he was doomed to being unloved). I'm suggesting that he do things that will enrich his life beyond escapism. He'll feel better about himself, he'll have a purpose, and he'll be closer to getting the things he wants as dividends.

 

It's completely fine, as long as you own it unapologetically.

 

In some cases, maybe. But I have a hard time seeing that happening if it's the only thing about you of note. It doesn't sound like OP has this level of confidence, though.

 

I am a black belt. And I can play classical guitar, and do a number of other things.

 

And you're not the one with the problem.

 

You are going from one extreme to the other. Something only has value for you, if women think so. This makes you needy. That is weak.

 

You aren't being your own man.

 

You can think what you want, I have a different interpretation. I started my own business because I don't like doing things that will make other people rich, being told what to do, waking up at a certain time, or basically doing anything I don't like. I voice displeasure with things, people, and bulls*** that prevents me from living exactly how I want. The things that have value for me are my business and interpersonal relationships (be they familial, friendly, platonic, sexual, etc). That's what I enjoy in life. I focus on those things because they make me the most fulfilled. If I see something as a distraction or a deterrent from those things that I enjoy, it's noise to me and I remove it, or at least try to remove it. If that makes me "weak," then I'm the happiest, most independent, successful, liberated "weak" man I know. What I think is weak are people who make comfortable, convenient decisions, grow to hate their lives and do nothing about it but complain, grow old, and die miserable. I live my life in direct opposition to that.

 

Money makes you a good provider - not a good lover. I have been with women that have good providers. I know what I'm talking about.

 

Not mutually exclusive, of course. But if you're not either of those things, it'll be an uphill battle.

 

Once again, you are arguing for being a good tool.

 

You can call me whatever you want. I'm more than content living on my own terms, doing the things that make me happy, and not answering to anyone.

 

Truth be told, I have no other affinities or inclinations or anything like that. There's no career I can visualize myself doing long term, and doing well at, there's no career I can confidently say that I would be able to do.

 

So, yes, I could return to school, but I've no idea what to do. I don't want to spend another 5+ years aimlessly bouncing around, wasting a bunch of time and money.

 

It seems for a lot of people these days, liking their career is a bit of luxury. I guess for you personally, it comes down to whether or not you'd be happier with what you're doing currently or happier taking the chance to try and figure out something else.

 

I establish some common ground which makes for some fun and engaging conversation. We'll have stuff to talk about and have some insights from shared experiences to form connections.

 

Well, that's cool if that's how you do it. You have a pragmatic, useful way of leveraging video games that the OP doesn't. My personal opinions on it all aside, whatever works for you and makes you happy is great. The problem, and I suspect the reason for this thread, is that not everyone has the same experience.

Edited June 28, 2016 by normal person

[preraph]

Not to sound harsh, but yes, it is possible to be incapable of being loved (or even seen as "attractive" to another person). I, myself, have similarly "geeky" hobbies, and have never even come close to a date with a girl, and I'm nearing 28.

 

I, personally, have accepted that it's never going to happen for me. Physically, I'm not very attractive. I'm freakishly short, I have the face (and voice) of a 12 year old boy. I'm not particularly smart or intelligent in any way. I work a bottom-of-the-barrel dead end job for very little money. I'm not the least bit interesting, exciting, or funny. I'm incredibly awkward because I'm completely inept to everything involved in socializing with another human being (and not for a lack of practice, or opportunity, either).

 

As lonely and frustrated as I am, I understand why I'm not good enough for someone to want in their life, whether it be as a friend or as something more. I'm simply not good enough for another person.

 

And some people will inevitably try to challenge or discourage that mindset, and that's fine. I'm not personally suggesting that anyone "give up" or anything like that.

 

But at the same time, people have to be realistic and be honest with themselves and with their place in the world. I've come to that conclusion. I fully realize that I'm simply not good enough for another person. It pains me to admit that, it hurts, and some days it eats away at me. But as frustrating and sad as it is to admit, it's something that just "is". It's like trying to stop the sky from being blue or the grass from being green. I am what I am.

 

And you are what you are. Now, whether or not you come to the same conclusion of yourself as I have about myself, that's all up to you. But for as much as people say that you have to "work on yourself" and better yourself, you can't ever really stop being you. You might be able to change little things and better your life in certain ways, but you'll still be you, and if that core of yourself is the thing that is incapable of connecting with another human being, than what good does it do to try to "work on yourself"?

 

Inflicted, I will only say that those who do accept themselves and their circumstances for what they are have a slightly better chance of finding love because they're being genuine and self-loving.

[preraph]

There are reasons why the guys act the way that they do.

 

I don't think that people are quitters, rather that there's no immediate motivation/gratification. In this age, people want immediate gratification. For example, if one goes to the gym, they want to see quick results or there is some incentive for them to go. If there aren't any quick results or if there is no tangible incentive, the impulse to work out quickly fades and people revert back to their old, comfortable habits.

 

Then you have the rejection factor: all loses and no wins. With such a person, they have the mentality that they don't think they CAN win, because they always lose. They have to be shown that it is possible for them to succeed. That won't be easy because they are battling through the baggage of years of disappointment, depression, sadness, anger and bitterness.

 

These attitudes can be beaten.

 

The mechanics behind game addictions are with games, it's one win after another. The game is made to be challenging, but in the end, it's made to be winnable by just about any player. They get addicted to the constant winning. Bottom line: It's just too easy and it's an escape.

[Inflikted]

It seems for a lot of people these days, liking their career is a bit of luxury. I guess for you personally, it comes down to whether or not you'd be happier with what you're doing currently or happier taking the chance to try and figure out something else.

 

Well, I do want to be doing something else, something more notable, and something I can take pride in. Unfortunately, I don't know what that would be. I spent 5+ years trying to figure that out, and I only came up with one thing, which ended up being a total bust. It's not for a lack of trying or a lack of introspection or a lack of "exploration", I just... don't really seem to have a "calling".

 

Inflicted, I will only say that those who do accept themselves and their circumstances for what they are have a slightly better chance of finding love because they're being genuine and self-loving.

 

I'm not entirely sure what point you're trying to make. I have accepted who I am, and my circumstances of life, but that's not going to help me "find love" or connect with anyone.

[JustGettingBy]

 

 

 

The three things that I've noticed in my life that will give a man the most power with women are confidence, charisma, and sexual aggressiveness. All can be worked on.

 

 

Although one has to be careful, as these in excess are as bad as not having any of them. An arrogant man who never takes 'no' for an answer and who's only skill is his charm (nothing to back it up) would also be unattractive to most women.